The more serious my relationship with SP gets, the more retrospective I get.
And think about my old relationships and friendships. Because I guess I'm not a terrific friend in hindsight--I've let a lot of friends just kind of....fall to the wayside.
OK, I'll be the first to admit, I've sabotaged a few of them. Most notably, S and MF. ......alright, and WW. But that was a clear-cut case of "Going A Little Overboard With The Whole 'Revenge' Concept". And it was largely misguided. I hear he's doing well for himself, and I'm happy to hear that. Sincerely, I am. He's worked really hard and if anybody deserves success in what he's doing, it's him.
And then there's the others that I've just kind of let slip through the cracks. MW/T, MS, AM, the LS girls, SR, LC, KM, CW, PG, SS......
I know you can't change the past and I know I've said before that I have no regrets, but I think if I could allow myself to have any, it would be that I didn't try hard enough to keep those friendships alive.
I hung out with PG a few weeks ago, and it just felt.....forced. And I feel so sad about that because we used to be so close. I guess I feel the same way about everybody else in this entry.
So I'm glad, in a way, that I met SP away from Calgary so he didn't know about my sordid past(/present) of bitchy broken relationships. But on the other hand, past actions are the best predictor of future behaviour. (Thanks Dr. Phil)
So....yeah. He's become such an important part of my life and I want to keep him that way, but I really hope that the past doesn't repeat itself.
(It's me, I know.)
6.17.2008
6.14.2008
Today I spent $200 on a haircut and dye job so I could finally feel like a new me.
Now if only I could summon the will power and get my ass in shape and lose all the weight I gained back.
I lost 20 pounds last summer and the compliments I got when I went back to Lethbridge were the best drug you could imagine.
And here I am, nine months later, fat again. It's a cycle, or something.
Now if only I could summon the will power and get my ass in shape and lose all the weight I gained back.
I lost 20 pounds last summer and the compliments I got when I went back to Lethbridge were the best drug you could imagine.
And here I am, nine months later, fat again. It's a cycle, or something.
5.29.2008
Eulogies
Long time, no see, I guess.
It's been quite the year.
I don't know, really, why I stopped in the first place. A combination of moving home and the stress of finding a job and the turmoil with SP and just....not having anything to talk about anymore.
Summer was a blur of working, mostly, and trying to settle with SP. Oh, and the ever-increasing sense of not wanting to go back to school. In the end I ended up back in Lethbridge, living in rez with my 'best friend' S and two new girls, and sort-of dating SP.
The semester sucked, I hated my classes. Living with three other people was too much for me, and I became really introverted again. I realised that I need my own space, and to share it with someone who actually did household chores and chipped in for gas money.
SP and I 'broke up' in the beginning of September and it was awful. We ended up getting back together two weeks later.
Understand, please, that I'd been in love with him all along--even my guy friends (CC mostly) could see it. Not S though, she still hated SP.
So. Felt like I had to choose between the two of them. Then Halloween came, SP was a douche at the party, I went home with CO and made bad choices. Drama drama drama when I told SP. Rightly deserved drama, I admit.
We got back together, and became "official" sometime in December. And we're still together. I guess if you count the first time we hooked up, we've been together over a year. Go me.
Meanwhile, my domestic and academic situations deteriorated quickly. I'd stopped going to classes in favour of work (La Senza--again) and spent most of my nights at SP's. Apparently this means I hated my roommates and thus a silent war of attrition began.
S and I had a huge blowout. Well, several blowouts. I won't go into detail because quite frankly, I don't remember much of what was said because at the time all I could think about was getting out of the House of Tension.
The university basically kicked me out, since my GPA was too low due to me skipping all my classes. Instead of moving back to Calgary--which really didn't feel like a viable option--I found a room in Lethbridge with a lease from January-April.
Moved out of rez on the 22nd, left all my stuff there, and went to Calgary for the holidays. Oh, and the whole "I'm quitting school and doing nothing with my life" thing went over really well with my parents, of course.
I quit La Senza in late January after getting written up for wardrobe violation--I know, wtf?--and one week later, totalled my car.
Wasn't my fault, the other driver turned left on a red light, but I didn't understand what was happening until it was too late, and when I did, hitting the brakes did nothing. Both airbags went off, I had bruises on my legs and hips for four weeks, and my car was written off.
So I was unemployed for most of February, living mostly at SP's place and being a general hermit.
That's something I do feel bad about, not keeping in better touch with my friends. I stopped going out, stopped returning calls and emails, stopped being social. Part of it was not wanting to be put in the awkward situation where I'd have to run into S and the other two roommates, and wanting to spare everybody else the feeling of being "torn" between S and I, even though I would never ask that of them.
Part of it was me just wanting to be alone, to take stock of who I was at that point and what I wanted to do with my future, and mourning Roxy.
Having a car was such a huge part of my self-identity. Especially that car. The car I'd wanted since I was 15. So many things happened in that car...my first road trip to Montana with my roommates (last week of September); my lazy summer days of driving with the windows down and the wind in my hair; breaking up with Jordan outside the Chinook theater and staring at the Toyota symbol on the steering wheel, willing myself not to cry until he was out of the car; driving around Lethbridge and discovering the city by myself; Christmas shopping, the feeling of putting all the presents in the trunk and feeling so pleased and grown up, doing the kind of shopping that requires a vehicle; make out sessions in the backseat; driving people back from the bar and just laughing along with them and feeling that I did belong; getting stuck in the snow THREE TIMES this winter and each time relying on the pity of strangers to rescue me; the feeling of packing my life away into the backseat and trunk and feeling a strange sense of relief each time I left somewhere to go somewhere I hoped would be better.
It just represented such a degree of freedom, and once it was gone, it just...sucked. SP was there for me every step of the way, driving me to my job interviews and subsequent shifts at Convergys, being a customer service rep over the phone for ComCast. I hated it, by the way, and will never do call center work again.
In April my parents lent me the PT Cruiser that my dad had used for work since 2000. They'd bought it from the company, and since both my siblings were learning to drive, they figured it would work out.
At the end of April, I interviewed at a financial company in Calgary for reception/admin, was offered the position, and accepted it. I knew I couldn't stay in Lethbridge forever, that eventually I'd have to move back to the city, and after all, SP was graduating.
The past 5 months with him have been indescribable. I have a hard time remembering the last time I connected with someone on such an intimate level--we just seem to fit together, from the way we hold hands to the way we fall asleep curled into each other to the way we smile at one another. Being in love is such a trite thing to describe and write down, as if writing cheapens is.
But I hope you know what I'm getting at here.
And now?
I'm back in my parents house, trying to figure out my next step. SP and I would like to get a place together, but I'm also thinking of going back to MRC in the fall to either finish my BA in Psych or try something altogether different. Things are just up in the air. Being back here definitely wasn't my first choice, and not falling asleep with SP every night is still alien to me.
But here I am. And I guess I'm back, now, maybe for good.
It's been so long and I don't even know who I have left. But if you are here, reading, and you've been here before, let me know if you want.
I've missed this, I think. It's like picking up an instrument after years of not practicing, hoping that you can somehow still play a scale.
Just takes getting used to, I guess.
It's been quite the year.
I don't know, really, why I stopped in the first place. A combination of moving home and the stress of finding a job and the turmoil with SP and just....not having anything to talk about anymore.
Summer was a blur of working, mostly, and trying to settle with SP. Oh, and the ever-increasing sense of not wanting to go back to school. In the end I ended up back in Lethbridge, living in rez with my 'best friend' S and two new girls, and sort-of dating SP.
The semester sucked, I hated my classes. Living with three other people was too much for me, and I became really introverted again. I realised that I need my own space, and to share it with someone who actually did household chores and chipped in for gas money.
SP and I 'broke up' in the beginning of September and it was awful. We ended up getting back together two weeks later.
Understand, please, that I'd been in love with him all along--even my guy friends (CC mostly) could see it. Not S though, she still hated SP.
So. Felt like I had to choose between the two of them. Then Halloween came, SP was a douche at the party, I went home with CO and made bad choices. Drama drama drama when I told SP. Rightly deserved drama, I admit.
We got back together, and became "official" sometime in December. And we're still together. I guess if you count the first time we hooked up, we've been together over a year. Go me.
Meanwhile, my domestic and academic situations deteriorated quickly. I'd stopped going to classes in favour of work (La Senza--again) and spent most of my nights at SP's. Apparently this means I hated my roommates and thus a silent war of attrition began.
S and I had a huge blowout. Well, several blowouts. I won't go into detail because quite frankly, I don't remember much of what was said because at the time all I could think about was getting out of the House of Tension.
The university basically kicked me out, since my GPA was too low due to me skipping all my classes. Instead of moving back to Calgary--which really didn't feel like a viable option--I found a room in Lethbridge with a lease from January-April.
Moved out of rez on the 22nd, left all my stuff there, and went to Calgary for the holidays. Oh, and the whole "I'm quitting school and doing nothing with my life" thing went over really well with my parents, of course.
I quit La Senza in late January after getting written up for wardrobe violation--I know, wtf?--and one week later, totalled my car.
Wasn't my fault, the other driver turned left on a red light, but I didn't understand what was happening until it was too late, and when I did, hitting the brakes did nothing. Both airbags went off, I had bruises on my legs and hips for four weeks, and my car was written off.
So I was unemployed for most of February, living mostly at SP's place and being a general hermit.
That's something I do feel bad about, not keeping in better touch with my friends. I stopped going out, stopped returning calls and emails, stopped being social. Part of it was not wanting to be put in the awkward situation where I'd have to run into S and the other two roommates, and wanting to spare everybody else the feeling of being "torn" between S and I, even though I would never ask that of them.
Part of it was me just wanting to be alone, to take stock of who I was at that point and what I wanted to do with my future, and mourning Roxy.
Having a car was such a huge part of my self-identity. Especially that car. The car I'd wanted since I was 15. So many things happened in that car...my first road trip to Montana with my roommates (last week of September); my lazy summer days of driving with the windows down and the wind in my hair; breaking up with Jordan outside the Chinook theater and staring at the Toyota symbol on the steering wheel, willing myself not to cry until he was out of the car; driving around Lethbridge and discovering the city by myself; Christmas shopping, the feeling of putting all the presents in the trunk and feeling so pleased and grown up, doing the kind of shopping that requires a vehicle; make out sessions in the backseat; driving people back from the bar and just laughing along with them and feeling that I did belong; getting stuck in the snow THREE TIMES this winter and each time relying on the pity of strangers to rescue me; the feeling of packing my life away into the backseat and trunk and feeling a strange sense of relief each time I left somewhere to go somewhere I hoped would be better.
It just represented such a degree of freedom, and once it was gone, it just...sucked. SP was there for me every step of the way, driving me to my job interviews and subsequent shifts at Convergys, being a customer service rep over the phone for ComCast. I hated it, by the way, and will never do call center work again.
In April my parents lent me the PT Cruiser that my dad had used for work since 2000. They'd bought it from the company, and since both my siblings were learning to drive, they figured it would work out.
At the end of April, I interviewed at a financial company in Calgary for reception/admin, was offered the position, and accepted it. I knew I couldn't stay in Lethbridge forever, that eventually I'd have to move back to the city, and after all, SP was graduating.
The past 5 months with him have been indescribable. I have a hard time remembering the last time I connected with someone on such an intimate level--we just seem to fit together, from the way we hold hands to the way we fall asleep curled into each other to the way we smile at one another. Being in love is such a trite thing to describe and write down, as if writing cheapens is.
But I hope you know what I'm getting at here.
And now?
I'm back in my parents house, trying to figure out my next step. SP and I would like to get a place together, but I'm also thinking of going back to MRC in the fall to either finish my BA in Psych or try something altogether different. Things are just up in the air. Being back here definitely wasn't my first choice, and not falling asleep with SP every night is still alien to me.
But here I am. And I guess I'm back, now, maybe for good.
It's been so long and I don't even know who I have left. But if you are here, reading, and you've been here before, let me know if you want.
I've missed this, I think. It's like picking up an instrument after years of not practicing, hoping that you can somehow still play a scale.
Just takes getting used to, I guess.
4.26.2007
It's my second-last day here. I'm spending it cleaning and studying and resisting the urge to look at my phone every few minutes for a text message that isn't coming.
My hands are dry from the cleaning chemicals, my entire life is in boxes, and I'm survivng on take-out.
But you know what? This year was worth it. 100%.
My hands are dry from the cleaning chemicals, my entire life is in boxes, and I'm survivng on take-out.
But you know what? This year was worth it. 100%.
4.18.2007
I'm a pirate! Yarrrrrr.
So I went into HMV today, just to wander and see what new music there was. And I noticed something.
All the CDs that I had an interest in buying, I'd already downloaded for free.
I dunno, it's weird...you don't think it's that huge of a deal, a song here, an album there, but it turns out I've downloaded probably 300$ worth of albums/songs/TV in the past two weeks.
GOD I LOVE THE INTERNET.
All the CDs that I had an interest in buying, I'd already downloaded for free.
I dunno, it's weird...you don't think it's that huge of a deal, a song here, an album there, but it turns out I've downloaded probably 300$ worth of albums/songs/TV in the past two weeks.
GOD I LOVE THE INTERNET.
4.17.2007
I have nothing of importance to blog about.
But this is basically letting you know that I'm still alive, and still wanting to strangle SP.
So basically, everything's on an even keel.
But this is basically letting you know that I'm still alive, and still wanting to strangle SP.
So basically, everything's on an even keel.
4.11.2007
Yes, she does.
Another late night for me, stuff due this week and I feel like I'm up to my eyeballs. I missed my appointment today because I'm still stuck in last week. I'm anxious about Thursday because I have expectations, like any normal person. Not expectations exactly, not really. Just...things that I would like to have happen. Or be said. I don't know. Maybe I should figure out what I want before I go spouting off half-cocked.
[Hurr hurr]
Music. Consumes my soul. I'm at 7670 right now, but that's because I haven't added anything else that's sitting on my desktop right now. Once I do, it'll be over 8000.
Yikes.
Present! Acoustic!
Brand New - The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows (Acoustic)
Another late night for me, stuff due this week and I feel like I'm up to my eyeballs. I missed my appointment today because I'm still stuck in last week. I'm anxious about Thursday because I have expectations, like any normal person. Not expectations exactly, not really. Just...things that I would like to have happen. Or be said. I don't know. Maybe I should figure out what I want before I go spouting off half-cocked.
[Hurr hurr]
Music. Consumes my soul. I'm at 7670 right now, but that's because I haven't added anything else that's sitting on my desktop right now. Once I do, it'll be over 8000.
Yikes.
Present! Acoustic!
Brand New - The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows (Acoustic)
