Love Hurts
No, not me. For once. Thank god. Even if that little incident from the other day started a diluge of rumours amongst the band kids. Although, I shouldn't be surprised. We band geeks feed off of controversy [we actually aren't all that different from normal people] and, hey, we hadn't had a kerfuffle in awhile. The suspected relationship between S and his grade 10 lacheys [T and AS] failed to materialize, so it was just a matter of time before something else caught the general attention.

Spent most of my evening divided between social homework, this new layout, and counselling others on MSN. I should really start charging for this, y'know.

JG stole my words. Damn him! "Suffocate my name, breathe someone else's identity"....sound familiar? It should, it's from yesterday's entry. Blech. I think he tried to wrangle with me over copyrights, but my MSN froze up. Sorry, JG. Yes, you can use my lyrical genius....just as long as I get a cut of the profits.

Mechanics has finally gotten wonderful. We're actually doing stuff....me and M (the other grade 12 girl in the class) are in a group with "the punk one" and "the blonde one with braces". I don't know their actual names. Our teacher has a peculiar habit of barking at us using only our last names and, if he's feeling nice, a "Mr" or "Miss" in front of it. I am "Miss Renegade". And I fully intend to find out the names of The Punk One [TPO] and The Blonde One With Braces [TBOWB].

Had band again. Not much else has changed. Apparently the new limo arrangement is me, A, AK, and B, plus our dates.

*holds tongue*

Methinks adjustments have to be made. I can stand her [not so much her boyfriend] in small quantities....but I am not riding in a small enclosed space with her to grad. I fully intend to keep my dress as blood-free as possible.

Tee-hee. Vague blonde enthusiasm goes here.

My Immortal--Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

A Snowy Rain
Feeling better. I'm a resiliant little creature.

Thought about snow and rain tonight when I went for a walk. Why I like rain and not snow.

See, with rain . . . . you know the way things look new and reborn after a thunderstorm? Rain washes everything clean, it creates a new beginning. It's spectacular, it's thrilling, it takes your breath away with its ferocity and intensity. Few things can affect me like a thunderstorm. Rain....it comes, it goes, it gets the job done. It cleanses everything, washing away the impurities and marks of failure.

Snow on the other hand . . . . . . it stays around. It snows, and it doesn't seem like a lot....but it just keeps coming. And the next thing you know, you're up to your knees. It gets inside your shoes and makes you cold. Snow can be breathtakingly beautiful....but then it gets dirty or someone walks through it. Perfection never lasts with snow. And once it comes, it stays until something drastic happens. It takes heat, it takes a sudden change to get rid of it. And until then...it just gets dirtier and dirtier, piling up on the sides and becoming grey slush. It's more permenant than rain....and less cleansing.

I pray for the rain in my life. Lately, though....nothing but snowstorms. And my snowshoes have been stolen. Wouldn't life be better if we all got a good cleansing thunderstorm once in awhile?

Slam My Head Against The Wall
WARG!

I knew yesterday was too fantabulous to be true.

Fuck people. And...yeah. Spillage of emotions is probably imminent tonight. Guys, you have been warned.

I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die after lunch today. Well, more after English.....BAH I HATE SOCIETY!!!!!

I want to.....suffocate my name, breathe someone else's identity into me. I want to escape from everything. I want peace of mind, stillness of heart. I want answers.

Just
Just write.
It gets so it's like breathing
Stop in, stop out, stop the flow
Suffocate in the flood of unsaid words
Or die from lack of information
Just . . . . . . breathe

Do all that you can;
Write what you feel--
They can never take that away.
Feelings half-articulated
"But I thought--"
"You were wrong"
Explain away the insecurities
Justify an impure heart
Armour for a pathetic excuse
This suffocating hold

Where am I in this
What part of me died with your eyes
Just
Lay down
Just write

Noise And Kisses
Look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
By sharing these things
I rip my heart out
It's worth my time
Whatever that means...
Hard to see up
My neck feels stiff until I wake up
The orange I choked
And back to my neck
It's worth my time
Whatever that means....so

Share with me
Cause I need it right now
Let me see your insides
Or write me off
Cause I'd rather starve now
If you won't open up

Give it to me
Give me all...whatever you want
It's never been me
To want this much from you
I can see

Share with me
Cause I need it right now
Let me see your insides
Or write me off
Cause I'd rather starve now
If you won't open up
You won't open up

It tears me up
Tears me up, tears me up
Look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
By sharing these things
I rip my heart out
It's worth my time
Whatever that means...
So

Share with me
Cause I need it right now
Let me see your insides
Or write me off
Cause I'd rather starve now
If you won't open up
Won't open up

The Best Day Ever!!!!!!
Excuse me while I dance around gleefully.

Checked my diploma marks today during brass practice. Mr. Reigal was working with the trumpets, and Mike had been hounding me to go check my marks...so I went trudging off to counselling to face my inevitable doom.

God loves me. Remember my near-breakdown over math?

83% BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This brings my mark up from a 64% to a glowing 73%. Cue the mother of all happy dances. I almost hugged the counsellor when she told me. Wheeee!!!!!!

Chem went almost as splendid. 84% on that, bringing my mark up to an 82% from a 79%.

I ran back to the band room. The first person I saw was Matt [not to be confused with Hansen]. I damn near knocked the poor boy over as I jumped on him. "I GOT 83 ON MY MATH DIPLOMA!!!!" "Um, great!" Mike looked kind of crushed when he found out that I got the same mark as he did on the math one. However, he contented himself with his 93 on Chem. Hee-hee. I'm still all wiggly with happiness just thinking about it.

I had an....interesting thing happen today. Class was good, I flirted with "him" through the entire thing. He kept joking that he was going to go hang himself in the drum room after I told him he sucked. I left that class with a warm, distinctly fuzzy feeling. Infatuation does that to you.

It was after school that things got weird. He was playing the piano, so to ruin his song, I sat on the upper end of the keys. He's feigning depression, and ducks into the drum room to hang himself with a string of wire. Lauren looks at me, then looks at his retreating back. "I think you'd better go apologise."

When I open the door, a rubber drum mat flies out and hits my nose. "HEY!!! That hurt!" He picks it up. "No it didn't." "Of course it did. Don't tell me what I feel."

The drum room is pretty big, but he's standing pretty darn close. Then suddenly, he wraps me up in a hug. "Awwww, I'm sorry...did it really hurt?"

And of course I, being the cold and calculating seductress that I am [note the sarcastic tone], spot an opportunity. "Yeah, it did...." I rub my cheek where it hit. He turns to stand in front of me, then cups my face in his hand. "I'm sorry..."

Funny how time slows down like that when you're in a situation. Suddenly I was looking everywhere and nowhere at once. I couldn't meet his eyes, I couldn't hear anything. The room was both intensly bright and growing black. My skin was burning.

I had wanted this, I really did. But I froze. I panicked. My inner dialogue simultaneously consisted of an insistant "Kiss him, you fool!" and a panicky "AUGH!!!!!"....and, foolishly, I reached back behind me and opened the door. I broke the spell of......whatever that was.......and went back to my seat.

As a good sign, I took the bus home with him. And we're hanging out tomorrow...

What's this mean? Probably it's just me and my psychotic desires overtaking me again. But I've been talking to people who would know how he feels....signs point to yes? I'm probably just opening myself up again to get smushed. I'm probably imagining emotions and signs again, like I always do. He's probably using me to get closer to a friend. It's happened before, and history repeats itself, right? Mmmmm, I know. All too well, it seems.

I shouldn't be channelling my energy this way. Bad Kendall. Boys = evil. Well, no, not really....damn, I'm not making sense. Keep thinking possible grad dates, hon. He's not one of them, you know it. Focus on what you know you should be doing. Hearts don't know anything, they only feel.

So why can't I stop this knowing that what I feel is right?

[cynically] smiling Volume II
Didn't do a heck of a lot of anything tonight at work, basically just loafed around with Cori and discussed the other workers. She's released her claim on Mark the Lazy Bastard, leaving it wide open for my wily womanly charms. Or lack thereof. Ahem. Moving on.

• Fall--Something Corporate
  
• Before I'm Dead--Kidney Theives
  
• Everything You Want--Vertical Horizon
  
• Fearless--Matthew Good Band
  
• The End With You--Box Car Racer
  
• The Scientist--Coldplay
  
• The Taste Of Ink--The Used
  
• Mexico--Incubus
  
• Sympathy--Goo Goo Dolls
  
• Crashing Down--Sugarcult
  
• On My Own--The Used
  
• Cry--Faith Hill
  
• Empty Space--Lifehouse
  
• When I'm Gone--3 Doors Down
  
• It's Over--Goo Goo Dolls
  
• I Don't Know You Anymore--Savage Garden

I Mourn The Demise Of Skate-Punk-Pop
Damn Grammys. Avril brought home nothing, and her performance of "Sk8r Boi" apparently left a lot to be desired. Well, that can only mean one thing now: if a self described "skate punk" from an Ontario Hickville can't win a Grammy, I should probably just give up my wild dream of taking home every single award in an unprecedented sweep.

Although, it makes you wonder....how in the hell would I manage to win both the male and female categories? Transvestite jokes aside, people. Let's see some creativety. Use the power of facelessness for good, not evil.

Speaking of facelessness, I can't wait until the day when all medical examinations will be done via machine scan. No face-to-face contact, please. Now I remember why I haven't been to a doctor in a good 10 years. Oh, right, it's because I don't like telling complete strangers my physical abnormalities.

For the strange factor today, I may have to undergo Botox treatment. Whee! Viral therapy! Why Botox, you ask? ....well, that's a long story I'm probably never, ever going to share. Not even here.

"It's 12:15 And We're Still Sitting In A Tim Hortons...."
Went out with the guys last night. Original plan: Pool at Chalks.

Didn't feeling like waiting until then, so plan #2: Swimming at the Y near my house. The place isn't open past 9, so that was scrapped. Back to the original plan. Plans all set, great, pick me up at 9-9:30.

Walk downstairs to talk to my mom. "I'm getting picked up soon." "Where're you going?" "To play pool at Chalks on Bannister." "Oh no you're not."

Apparently its a bad neighbourhood and I will no doubt be raped and then pillaged by a gang of burly drug-riddled rapists the second I step out of the car. So I call Claudio.

"We have a problem....my Mom went Nazi, so no pool." We decided on bowling, and I went back to my Final Fantasy. (which, by the way, I've logged 44 hours on, only because I've left it on overnight twice)

I get a call in the middle of a battle. "Uhhh.....Jeff says we'll have to wait two hours for a lane, we might as well go see A Guy Thing at the cheapies."

Pierre and Claudio pick me up around 9:30, and as we drive away.... "Did anyone call Mike?" Damn, that was my job. So we call him, and end up going to his house and picking him up. We make it to the theater with 5 minutes to spare. Jeff and James are there to....so I pitch the idea of screwing the movie and going to Chalks.

So basically, after wasting a shitload of gas, we end up in the place we were supposed to go to in the first place. We had fun, I'm a lot better at pool than I give myself credit for. Team Kendall had a winning streak.

So after a few rounds of pool, we decide to go to Tim Hortons for coffee......

There's something to be said for being the only girl in a group of 5 guys. And add being single on top of that, and you've got a recipe for amusing disaster. Yes, I enjoy being the center of attention, the gummy bear wars notwithstanding. Also, it was great just to hang out with them, not having to compete with anybody else. Just being myself for once, and not worrying about my parents or band or anything else.

*blissful sigh* That was bar none the most fun I've had all week. Right up there with Lazer Quest, last week. That should be our new thing now, pool on Saturdays.

Hope you all had a great weekend, good luck with next week.

I Am Officially Never Having Children
This weekend has been enough to convince me of that fact. We have a family of 5 staying at our house this weekend...3 boys, all under the age of 14.

They seem to enjoy nothing more than running up and down the stairs at 8:30 in the morning, while I am still in a sleep worthy of the undead. Also, They enjoy eating all the ice cream in my house. Yes, Alison, your 12 litres was finally depleted this weekend.

And on Thursday night, they were still pounding up and down the stairs at 12:30 AM. I had to get up at 6:30. *groans* Arrrrrrg small children piss me off.

Luckily, they leave tomorrow night.

I've been invited to a party tonight in Harvest Hills, being held by a pair of twenty-something brothers named Kyle and Sonny. Any takers?

Nothing of importance happened yesterday. I worked with Mark again (tee-hee) and had a good long gossip-session with Steph. We had a trio of veritable hotties come in last night, and I--coincidentially, I swear--was working menswear! Guess where they happened to be?

Walked over to the YMCA near my work last night, I heard people were playing hockey around 7:30. No luck, though.

I refuse to stay home tonight. Even if I don't go to the Harvest Hills party, I want to do something tonight. Call me, maybe coffee or Lazer Quest or movies or something. Anything!!! I can't take anymore of these boys!!!!!!!!

I Don't Know You Anymore

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?
'Cause I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

-Savage Garden

Friday Five
1. What is your most prized material possession? Probably my CD wallet, with all the CDs in it. if I didn't have my music, I don't know what I would do. Or my charm bracelet, I can't decide.

2. What item, that you currently own, have you had the longest? A stuffed animal that someone gave to me when I was a few days old, it's still in my room.

3. Are you a packrat? Unfortunately, yes....if you've ever seen my room, you'd know...but, I try and throw stuff away every few months or so.

4. Do you prefer a spic-and-span clean house? Or is some clutter necessary to avoid the appearance of a museum? My house would be a mess, but a comfortable one. I'd know where everything is underneath the clutter.

5. Do the rooms in your house have a theme? Or is it a mixture of knick-knacks here and there? Ah, generally, no theme. Some rooms are kinda "ocean-y" because it's a lot our stuff from Anguilla, but mostly just knick-knacks. My mom would probably disagree, but then again, I don't know anything about decorating.

Life Is....Unfair.
My cousin went in today for his second round of chemo...the last time he had it, he couldn't get out of bed for three days. Poor kid....we got him a game for his X-Box, so hopefully it helps him feel better.

Went back to the mall today with Dion, met up with Alison, Kim, and John Schmidt. Found out that Dion and John were in my grade 2 class at Bosco...I came to the school in March of grade 2....we all had the teacher with the weird name that none of us could ever pronouce. How weird is that? Small world, huh.

Band tonight, we're playing for the open house...[sarcasm] whoop-dee-freaking-do. And later on I might....drown in self pity? Eh, I don't know. Maybe mope around and be a melancholy teenager. [/sarcasm]

My bus was full of psychos today, I shit you not. OK, so if you think I'm loud, [or Dave]....image that times 10. Thank god my stop is early on.

Cold today, and it's still snowing. I can't wait for warmer weather. I also cannot wait until my neighbourhood is finished being built. I want to see my neighbours, dammit! Find out if there's any semi-decent teenage boys in the nearly vicinity. Probably not, knowing my luck as of late.

No more strange dreams lately, just blissful, blank sleep. Oh, and I got 93% on the Ideologies unit test. Along with an 83% on the in-class Death of A Salesman essay, and two 90%'s on the personal responses from English. *victory dance* Woot woot. Go me. This semester's looking a hell of a lot better than before.

It's Over--Goo Goo Dolls
And I didn't think about
All the ways I hurt you and myself
And I hide
Wouldn't say a thing to you
I keep it to myself and my mind
I can't stand without you
And I won't find the answers when you're gone

But it's over to you
And I can't find the answers when you're gone
And it's over to you
And you can't find the answer where you are

And you know
(And you know)
I need you now
This ain't easy to admit
And no one needs to know
What goes on behind the door in my room
I'm peeking through the walls in my mind
And I can't stand without you
I won't find the answers when you're gone

But it's over to you
And I can't find the answers when you're gone
And it's over to you
And you can't find the answers where you are

I will tear you down
I will tear you down
To get into the world you wanted
I'm kicking through the wall
No one can believe in things that never change

But it's over to you
And I can't find the answers when you're gone
And it's over to you
And you can't find the answers where you are

And it's over to you
And I can't find the answers when you're gone
And I can't find the answers when you're gone
And I can't find the answers when you're gone

Good Morning To You
I'm bored. Leaving for bus in 10. Amusing myself with computer literature. Lyrics!!!

When I'm Gone--3 Doors Down
There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind...

Maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone

Over-Rated
Today. Hmph.

Band, let's not go there, I'l just rant for 15 minutes and then go to bed in a bad mood.

Went to the mall today, as per usual. Dragged Mike and Dion into Fairweather for some quality grad dress shopping.

I found a style that I liked....except that the dress was in yellow, not maroon. The most-liked dress, though, was the low-cut violet one, which probably made me look fat(ter):

Kendall: comes out of the change room pulling up the dress straps, to avoid flashing the entire mall "I don't really like this one."
Dion: seeing dress first "Uh....Mike..."
Mike: eyes widening "Uh......no, no..."
D&M: "Yeah, it's....great..."

Bah. Men and their non-articulation. I'm guessing it looked good, though, judging by the looks on their faces.

Jeff, buddy, what would I do without you? Thanks for your talk today before band, it gave me a lot to think about.

Empty Space--Lifehouse
Too late to hide
And too tired to care
Take what you've learned and forget the rest
Take what you see
Of what's left of me
You know where I've been
And I don't want to go there again
You're beautiful
You're confusing
You're illogical
You're amazing
And I've seen the world
It's overrated
Until you're everything
I have nothing
But an empty space
I've been down
This road before
All that I've found points right back to you
I've watched you move
From down below
Where do I go from here
I guess I'll find out as I go
You're beautiful
You're confusing
You're illogical
You're amazing
And I've seen the world
It's overrated
Until you're everything
I have nothing
But an empty space
You're beautiful
You're confusing
You're illogical
You're amazing
And I've seen the world
It's overrated
Until you're everything
I have nothing
Until you're everything
I have nothing
But an empty space

A Change
OK, so I'm feeling the need to write something other than the pathetic teenage garbage that I tend to spew around this time. How 'bout some random thoughts? Loosely based on a very warped dream I had last night? Whee!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The mists fade away from the last scene. I'm still looking around, half-expecting to see the remaining bits of the horror-movie-type dream.

Instead, next to me....is a part of my past that I wish would move away to Madagascar.

"What're you doing here?"

He stands up and walks around the infinite darkness of the...space? room? universe? "You called me," he answers simply.

"You're lying. Why would I possibly want you here? Get away from me." I stand up and start walking away. Suddenly, in the blink of time and space, the darkness changes into a party scene. I don't recognise the house....it's probably something from my childhood or something twisted like that. And it's not my friends filling the space for the party....it's the former people I knew. Strange as that is. Jason is walking around aimlessly....none of them are really speaking, but there's loud music pounding from a stereo. A lot of other people that I don't know are there, possibly just created from my mind's depths as filler for whatever is about to happen.

He is suddenly beside me, gesturing at the scene. "Do you see?"

"No. Get out of my head." I walk away from him again, but he follows me through the house full of drunken partiers. I spin on my heel, facing him sharply. Even though all I see is his shirt at first, I manage to find his eyes and glare fiercely. "What do you mean, 'Do you see?'?"

"Why do you think we're here? Didn't you think you'd gotten us out of your mind?" He's smiling a knowing smile and shaking his head at my stupidity.

"We're here because I got dumped tonight and I'm looking for an escape from all the crap I went through." I pause, look around me at the party, which seems to be getting wilder. "And you...why the fuck are you still here? Didn't I kick you out? And you're not acting like yourself. What's going on?"

He shakes his head and steps away from me. The party fades to the black, dead space of infinity again. A white couch screams in contrast, appearing from nowhere. "Have a seat?" He gestures towards the couch.

I sit down. Somehow, I end up in his arms. I end up in the last place I wanted to be, even within the twisted corners of my mind.

I'm trying to speak, trying to ask him why we're doing this again...but he just keeps running his hands through my hair. I give up and stare off into the darkness miserably. Finally, he speaks.

"I'm here because this was the only place you ever felt truly accepted. Whatever happened after this moment didn't make sense to you at the time, and you're just beginning to understand now. Those people you saw....you were seeing parts of yourself. Parts of your past. Parts of your future."
"....so where do you fit into all this?"
"I'm part of your past. That's all I'll ever be. And the reason I keep coming back is because you still need this part of your past."
"You don't just represent what you look like, do you."
"No, I'm everything in your life that you failed at."
"Did I really fail you? I mean...."
"No, no you didn't. If anything...we failed each other. And you failed yourself."
"So how do I get you to stop coming like this?"

He shifts on the couch, and starts to braid my hair aimlessly. "...that's up to you. I'm just a figment of your imagination. A......link between your conscious self and unconscious."

It's my turn to shift in his arms. "....so dreams are all I really have."

"Basically. And you're going to keep coming back here."

I sit up. "No, I'm not."

He smiles sadly. "You don't know how else to escape."

I stand up, back away from the couch. "I'm stronger than you. I don't need this, I don't want this anymore."

He's starting to fall back into the darkness, his outline becoming liquified. "You say it now. If you really want to leave, you would have done it a long time ago."

ambiguities are all we have . . . . . . the change has to come from within you

Cry?
...I don't know what to say. Things seemed to be going so well, for once...

It was me, wasn't it? It's always me--I see that now. So many parts of me are hard and jagged and hurtful. I just keep falling in on myself, spiralling back into my self-imposed void of hate.

I should explain. Words just bubbled up near the surface on the drive home. Things I need to say. Things I feel. Unshed tears and fresh wounds.

He picked me up around 8. We went back to his place....I gave him his present, I got mine in the car. A Care Bear.....needless to say, it's still in his car. How can I accept that now?

We watched the Simpsons (both episodes)....and then, halfway through Family Guy:

"I need to talk to you about something." The tone of his voice isn't hopeful or encouraging at all. My heart hits my stomach and keeps going. I can already feel myself closing off, putting up the walls in a last-ditch effort to not get hurt. Of course, that never works. Ever.

Five minutes of silence, and all I can feel is his breath on my neck and his arms around me. "Well? You going to tell me?"

More silence. My heart is now somewhere in the vicinity of China.

Finally, he manages to stammer out, "this doesn't feel right for me..." Or something to that effect. I had already stopped listening to anything besides my own heartbeat at this point. The only consant in my life is the sound of my heart beating. Everything will turn out fine in the end as long as my heart beats.

All I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs, "If it doesn't feel right why are you still holding me?" He asked me once or twice if I was ok....I just turned away from him and concentrated on the couch fibres.

Finally I stirred and said, "Take me home."

I think that for those last few seconds, we both just tried to hang on to what it might have been. But everything ends, and once it's gone you can't ever get it back. I didn't say a word after that. Just pulled my coat on and walked outside to the car. Once inside the car, I just curled up against the door and stared out the window.

My neighbour was outside with his dog, gave me a curious look as I got out of the car without saying a word and opened the garage door, crying. I put on the joyous face for my family. Whee! I just came from a good ole gathering at Anne's house!...It feels weird, making yourself smile.

I'm not hurt. I'm strong. There's more to me than whose hand I'm holding. Right? There must be. Life is so much more than who you're with.

Part of me just wants to curl up and die. I'm not upset....I'm just....feeling resigned about the whole relationship thing. I mean, seriously, why do I really bother?

It all just ends in pain anyway. Look around you--the divorce rate is up, people aren't getting married...all you have to do is look at each other to see the pain that confused hearts do to one another. We're all just blindfolded by emotions. Emotions are just chemical reactions. It's all just reactions--feelings are false.

Walls. It was all just writing on the wall. Graffitti on stone, painted-on confessions.

.....that was last night. Worked today, talked to people there about it. Engaged in a half-hearted flirting ritual with Mark. I wasn't all there, though. Part of me was still lying in that bed last Saturday, part of me was still hearing those words over and over and over again in my head. "This doesn't feel right for me anymore.....I'm sorry.....Kendall? Are you okay?" Endlessly repeating, endlessly reminding me.

I'll move on, I always do. The human heart/spirit is an amazing thing. Thank god for my walls.

Cry--Faith Hill
If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent

Yeah.... Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

If your love could be caged, honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me
And you'd hunt those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine

Yeah.... And you'd cry a little
Die just a little
And baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

Give it up baby
I hear you're doin' fine
Nothing's gonna save me
I can see it it your eyes
Some kind of heartache
Darling give it a try
I don't want pity
I just want what is mine

Yeah... Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that your're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

Yeah... Cry just a little for me

Woo ooo, could you cry a little for me

Yeah, yeah

Thank God!
Some of the ladies out there might find this welcome news. Goodbye, Aunt Flo!

*Yawn*
OK. So it's....12:30?! It feels so early.....I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing this morning, as my dad and my brothr came home from hockey. You know how when you first wake up, nothing really registers? The phone was just a sort of muffled buzzing, and the garage door was a pleasent rumble in the distance.

And then my brother pounded up the stairs in full hockey gear. Goodbye, sweet post-slumber bliss.

My Dad's finally come to the realisation that he won't be able to marry me off anytime soon. Right after I woke up this morning, he ordered me to make him breakfast.

Those of you who know me well will no doubt be falling out of your seats laughing at the prospect of me cooking. And yes, the eggs were a disaster. After giving me a thorough yelling lecture about how I have no domestic skills whatsoever, I candidly told him, "Sorry, Dad, guess this means you won't be able to barter me off to another clan for some sheep and goats." Then he told me to vacuum the carpets.

I'm sitting here in a towel. I should probably finish getting dressed, and then start on the carpets.

On My Own--The Used
See all those people on the ground
Wasting time
I try to hold it all inside
But just for tonight
The top of the world
Sitting here wishing
The things I've become
That something is missing
Maybe I...
But what do I know

And now it seems that I have found
Nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
Slow it down, slow it down
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all

On my own
On my own
On my own
On my own
On my own

The Supremo-Ultra Master
Hoooooyeah. Go me.

Tonight was my very first time....ever playing Lazer Quest. I went with Lisa, Jeff, Claudio, Pierre, and about half of Pierre/Claudio's coworkers. I ranked 33rd for the first game, 16th for the second, and 13 in the third.

*dances* I rocked. I seriously cannot believe that it took me 17 years to discover a game that rocks that much. Never again am I ever settling for something half-assed.

I wanna go again and again and again!!!! I want to run around in the dark yelling at Jeff/Claudio to cover my ass, dammit, cuz there's snipers on the top floor!!! I wanna add to the blister on my trigger finger!!!!

As you can see....I had an amazing time tonight.

Turns out James didn't drop off the face of the planet....I'm supposed to see him tomorrow, hopefully that works out. Pleas refer to some entry down there *points to middle of page* for the effect of said James.

thoughtful, musing pause

I'm remembering last Saturday and my wonderful nap in his arms. Can we do that again sometime? Tomorrow, maybe?

Lyrics? Sure, why the hell not.

Crashing Down--Sugarcult
I've got something up my sleeve that I don't want to show you
Cause everytime I bleed I make a fool of me
I've got shakey little fingers, that hold on to your grip
You've got wrapped around my world
So tight that I can't breathe
I'm suffocating

We come crashing down
Everytime we go this far again
We come tumbling down
Everytime we go this far again
Everytime we go

I've got nothing that I hide except for what's inside
I keep it all locked up, in this prison we call love
I'm suffocating

We come crashing down
Everytime we go this far again
We come tumbling down
Everytime we go this far again
Everytime we go

Everytime we go
Everytime we go
Everytime we go
Everytime we go

We come crashing down
Everytime we go this far again
We come tumbling down
Everytime we go this far again

We come crashing down
We come tumbling down
We come crashing down
Everytime we go this far again
Everytime we go

Everytime we go

Bad To Worse To "FUCK"
OK....so today was probably the most anticlimactic I've had in awhile. Remember my last post, the long-winded and nervous ranting about being totally alone?

Jason ended up coming over for a few hours. I made pizza (read: Delissio), he brought KFC and a shitload of PS2 games. We gamed. He went home.

Unable to take the isolation anymore....I call James again.

Whoa, wait, let's back up.

I've been calling him all day, and nobody was home. All day. Not even to answer the phone. Talked to Jeff and Lesley, wanted them to come over. Jeff tried everybody to find James. Even Anne, but Anne hadn't seen him either.

Yes, I'm sounding like a stalker. I'm sorry, my bad.

K, so....called Pierre, tried to come up with something to do. Couldn't. So I went and had that bubble bath I've been wanting for so long.

Candles, Something Corporate...could it get better? Apparently not. It only got worse.

I knock a candle into the tub, giving myself a burn on my hand and instantly creating a nice little puddle of solidified wax on the side of the tub. Oooookay, no biggie. "Globes And Maps" finishes, I drain the tub, get into my pjs, and start wiping at the wax.

No dice. Nothing comes off.

I scrape at it frantically with my fingernails. Oh, sheeeee-it. It's still there. I run to my wallet and grab a nickel. Returning to the tub, I proceed to scrape it off. Sweet, this is working quite nicely. And then....I lose my grip on the nickel.

The damn thing rolls straight down the drain. Down the fucking drain. Of the flat-bottomed tub. I can see it caught in the plug device, but I can't pry it out with my stubby little fingers. Hopefully my parents never, ever need that drain fixed. I'll blame it on the installation guys

Alrite, fine. Vim it is. 10 minutes of scrubbing later...there's barely anything left. Chalk one up to the power of household cleaning products.

That still leaves, however, the wax on the bathroom counter. I blew out a candle, and it splattered. I tried to follow the same routine as the bath deposit--minus the nickel, of course, because now I have zero trust of drains--but the Vim just wasn't working as well. That's when I spy the exacto-knife lying next to the sink.

Now don't ask me why my parents have a knife in the bathroom. All I know is that the damn thing saved my life tonight.

I would call James again before I go to bed...but it's late. I'll probably see him tomorrow. I get off of work at 6. Call my cell phone? Please?

Sympathy--Goo Goo Dolls

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

And I wished for things that I don't need
(All I wanted)
And what I chased won't set me free
(All I wanted)
And I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees

Oh, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And now my head's been filled with doubt

We're taught to lead the life you choose
(All I wanted)
You know your love's run out on you
(All I wanted)
And you can't see when all your dreams aren't coming true

Oh, yeah
It's easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I'm not sure where I belong
And no where's home and no more wrong

And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me

Mmm, yeah
Stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy
Mmm hmmm mmm

My Brain Oozes Boredom
No, seriously, somebody come kidnap me.

My brother's sleeping over at his friends house tonight...my dad's working late...In theory, this is what I have been waiting for all god-damn week.

And now....

Nobody's home. I've called 5 people and all I'm getting are answering machines. Final Fantasy has ceased to amuse me. I am the only person online.

cue the sound of my head being beaten against a wall

I don't care who it is, somebody just come rescue me from this house of boredom.

Where the FUCK is everybody?!

Confounded Uterus!
From the title, I'll let those who know me well figure out what's my major gripe today. Thus, no more will be said about the state of my endometrium.

Valentine's Day. Happy one to everybody!

I awoke to the sound of my mother packing for the Edmonton excursion this morning....my sister has a feis until Sunday, so until then...it's just me, my brother, and my dad. And the dogs, of course. Right now, however, my dad's at work until 10....so I can't go out today or tonight. Which royally sucks, since I really, really want to see James. Damn that boy, he's like a drug.

My dad left me V-Day presents on the counter. Chocolate and a card...so guess what I'm snacking on? Mmmm, nothing better for easing menstrual agonies.

Jason might come over today and game with me for a few hours. He's bored with nothing to do since Kelsey's busy. And I'm under house arrest with my brother, who is currently hogging the playstation and FFX.

I kick ass at that game, I really do. Alecia, yes, I'm scaring you again with my game-speak.

Today? Hmmmm.....I dunno, despite my organs collapsing in on themselves, I'm in a relatively good mood. Must be the chocolate and the mp3s. Actually, I think I'm going to work on [anti] pretty today for once. With me oodles of luck!

James...if you read this today...come kidnap me, I miss you.

Friday Five

1. Explain why you started to journal/blog. I started to blog because I have a borderline obsessive-compulsive desire to write. It started out as a page on my personal site, then I got myself a blogger. I guess I started a blog because...I wanted a place to speak for myself. I wanted a place to explore myself...and I wanted a place that would be a record of who I am, and who I'm becoming.

2. Do people you interact with day to day or family members know about your journal/blog? Why or why not? Yes, they do know...not my family members, though. Thank god. I think my sister's friends have started to read it, actually...But anyways. Yes, people know, and I don't know who they all are.

3. Do you have a theme for your journal/blog? Heartfelt bitchings and introspective ramblings seem to be the theme of late. Also self-imposed teenage melodramatics. Your basic filler.

4. What direction would you like to have your journal/blog go in over the next year? More back towards myself...I'm actually thinking of moving it to somewhere else. A different blog*spot address. But yeah, I'd like it to be more introspective and less bullshit-oriented.

5. Pimp five of your favorite journals/blogs. 1.mind melt. 2.self improvement is masturbation. 3.breed the hate. 4.melissas journal. 5.far from perfect (tony hawk diabetes).

Indecisiveness
I want to change my template. I spent all morning on Blogskins browsing...I actually found one, started to edit it...

And then I stopped.
I love my Shout-Out. If I change my template....adios comments!

I'll be making a new blog and playing around with it as a test for my templates.

Should I change the template?

Mexico
You could see me reaching
So why couldn't you have met me half way?
You could see me bleeding
And you would not put pressure on the wound.

You only think about yourself...
You only think about yourself...
You better bend before I go
on the first train to Mexico.

You could see me breathing
And you still kept your hand over my mouth.
You could feel me seething
But you just turned your nose up in the air.

You only think about yourself...
You only think about yourself...
You better bend before I go
on the first train to Mexico.
-Incubus

I'm bored. Lesley's supposed to come over today to help me bake things...Anne was frightened at the prospect of me cooking ("You burn water!")....but, hey I can bake like there's no tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Beat Me Down
Today was....well, for lack of a better word...long. Another one of those days when nothing seems to work out.

I stuck on the happy face today...played my role as the dumb blonde to cover the new wound on my heart. Signed yearbooks. Talked to people. Made my trip down to Shawnessy so I could buy the supplies for my Valentines Day present, because I am broke.

I don't know what's wrong with Jason lately...if he really lost "all respect" for me this year. Yeah, a lot of you are going to agree with him on that. But anyways.

OK, so he can find the time to write in almost every single page of Michelle's yearbook, but he can't even muster a few kind words to the girl that thought they were best friends? And they keep saying what a failure I am because I'm taking a year off.

Like a lot of things in my life lately, I'm starting to second-guess myself on that decision. Maybe the secret to being strong and being secure is not doubting my decisions. Someone said in the Shout-Outs yesterday that I need someone to make decisions for me. Quite frankly, I highly doubt I'm the only person who questions themselves constantly.

Most of you probably think I'm losing my fragile grip on reality. I'm starting to agree with you. Most of what I'm going to say tonight is probably the result of too little sleep and too much thinking. You've been warned.

Like the little weekend fiasco...I talked to her about it today, she told me about the feeling she gets when she's with him now, the disintegration of her stomach. A sickness spreading through her.

Me? I just feel...used? Neglected? Abandoned? Closer to...ok, I'm just going to throw out a string of words. Tired. Jaded. Fed up. Betrayed. Lost. Ugly. Take your pick.

I'm not beautiful, not by a long shot. Thanks for the compliment, sis, (you know who you are)....but I'm not.

In no way am I the kind of person that people look at and think "attractive". My personality is...mercurial at best. Hell, if I don't know who I am, how is anybody else supposed to?

I had another one of "those" moments a while ago...I had a really, really revealing conversation with someone. And then I got...spooked for some reason. And PHOOSH the walls go up again. Reinforced steel-concrete. Multiple masks, multiple mirrors, multiple barriers between my inadequate self and the real world. Hello, reality, I'm a frightened 17-year-old band geek. Please, eat me alive. You want my self-confidence? Here ya go! Let's throw in my pretentious opinions for good measure.

The real world's gonna eat me alive. I can see it right now, I'm going to be alone and single for the rest of my life. Don't believe me?

See, there's a cycle that I've come to notice. I get dizzy-high on emotions, the rose-colored glasses, long-winded waxing about the merits of humanity and the rebirth of my faith in people....the whole works. And then--it'll all just come crashing down. Good-bye Happy Kendall, hello Heinous Scorned Bitch.

I really, really don't remember why I even got the idea in my head that people were worth heartfelt bullshit. Not my friends, they're dear to me and without them, I would have been six feet under a long time ago. But...some people. No, not necessarily you, just....the general populace.

When was the last time anyone ever treated someone with the respect they deserve? I know I don't do it as often as I should. Hell, I'm human. I'm a horrible human.

But back to the Cycle Of Destruction. In retrospect, it's not even usually his fault. I take something small, and blow it up immensely until it occupies my mental field of vision like a 747. I can't let it go--it's ironic, that's what I hate most about my mother, and it's the part of her that's inside of me. Anyways...I don't let it go and I pick at it and worry at it and obsess until it gets to the breaking point--where I have to do something or it tears me apart. And usually, I just end the relationship with a swift "adios". I pull myself out of things before I get hurt. I've said this before...I don't like letting people get too close to me. Walls and mirrors and masks are my best defense for my stupid, fragile self. I only let someone get remotely close to me once...and, yeah, well. Much pain there.

A slap in the face, that's what this feels like. Wow, I guess I don't really know anybody at this rate. Much less myself.

I'm starting down that road again, I can see the neon sign "Welcome to Singleville!!! Where Everything Reminds You Of Failure!" mocking me with its harsh, angry, unforgiving glow.

I don't want to travel down that road again. No, thanks, I've stayed in that town too damn long. I'm at a crossroads now...and if there's anything I detest, it's a crossroad. Pick "c" if you're not sure, they always say. Well it's not exactly a multiple-choice test here, folks. More like written response...to be written in Greek.

I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I always make. I want this to work, I want to grasp something that for so long has been out of my reach.

I need a few days to soak in a bubble bath and forget about the outside world.

You know where to find me if you need me.

Mirrors Part II
Had a good, long conversation with Alecia tonight. About Saturday night.

About what really happened when the guys--Jeff, James, Pierre, Mark--went for pizza. What they convinced Pierre to do because he "had nothing left to lose".

Yes, even what he did.

It shouldn't shock and hurt me like this anymore, when I find these things out. I shouldn't feel the familiar lurch of my heart falling out the bottom of my stomach...shouldn't feel the press and choke on my lungs. Shouldn't feel the silent resignation of another shattered mirror.

"You mean you honestly didn't know?"

"I told you, I had no idea."

If I couldn't even see this...and this was a big thing...what else am I not seeing? I used to think that I was perceptive, that people couldn't really fool me.

I don't know anything about anyone at all, do I? Congratulations, you've all fooled me. Chalk up one to blind naivety.

She told me that he's been calling....no, I don't want to talk about that.

It hurts too God damn much to think about it. Fuck.

I played Final Fantasy tonight until I felt ready to actually kill something. Possibly people I know.

I don't know anything anymore . . . .

All I ever wanted was for you to tell me the truth.

Morning....
Spare. Band room. Help me.

My computer is inexplicably broken, so it'll have to be awhile before I post again. Updates as I can make them.

Love you.

Thought I Was Done?
Not even close. Lyrics needed to be posted.

The Taste Of Ink--The Used
Is it worth it can you even hear me
Standing with your spotlight on me
Not enough to feed the hungry
I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now
In this sea of lonely
The taste of ink is getting old
It's four o' clock in the fucking morning
Each day gets more and more like the last day
Still I can see it coming
While I'm standing in the river drowning
This could be my chance to break out
This could be my chance to say goodbye
At last it's finally over
Couldn't take this town much longer
Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free

So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this

And won't you think I'm pretty
When I'm standing top the bright lit city
And I'll take your hand and pick you up
And keep you there too so you can see
As long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there
And we'll drink and dance the night away

As long as you're alive
Here I am
I promise I will take you there

The Monday Evening After
Well. I suppose I should do some expansion on the entry from Saturday.

Saturday night, by the way, seems a million miles away. "Globes And Maps" is playing, just adding to the furthering of my emotions. Let's talk rationally.

I had band Saturday until 5, at which point Jason, James, and Jeff came to pick me and Lesley up. Back to Jason's house for a party....I went in the hot tub, despite the fact that I forgot my suit. I used Jeff's shirt and Lesley's bikini bottoms. And let's not go into anything else that involved the hot tub, shall we?

I had a few sips of other people's drinks...but I was going home at 12:30, and I didn't really feel like drinking, so that was the end of that.

The Tao cards seemed to be a quasi-hit. Melissa was "impreshed" (she was slurring at this point) with it, and a lot of people....didn't like what the cards said. No, Anne, I wasn't telling you to break up with Ryan. I'll show you the diagram sometime next week and explain it again, if you want.

Pierre, especially, seemed upset with the cards. Maybe it's just the way I'm interpreting them. That's probably more true.

I don't know what was wrong with me Saturday night, around 10:00 I just lost all my energy. A few of us were in Jason's bedroom, and I just curled up with James on the bed and fell asleep in his arms. The thing that woke me up was Laz in the hallway yelling something about me...couldn't make out what it was through the cobwebs of blissful sleep. But I got up and made the rounds of people, talking and steadying and taking away drinks and moving things so they wouldn't get broken.

I walked Lesley to Macs Saturday night after she got down about Jeff. We had a good long talk about things...she said she felt better, and she seemed to be much better Sunday at Alison's. I told her that no matter what she needed, I'd be here for her. My phone line's always open. And she's like a little sister to me, strangely enough. Funny how band's done so much for me.

Alecia didn't go on Saturday...I heard something about a fight in front of Claudio's house on Friday night with Pierre...word has it, tears were shed. I haven't talked to either of them yet about it...and I doubt I will.

It's so strange seeing everybody else intoxicated when you're sober. I kinda like it....this is the beginning of Sober Kendall. Alison, you'll have company now!

But anyways. Yeah, Anne was exceedingly giggly....and huggy...Warren, for the 5 seconds I saw him, was dripping wet in his boxers and looking to hug me goodbye. Scott stood there for five minutes telling empty air what a whore I am. I'll admit, that was one of the most amusing things of the night. I'm standing right there and ignoring him. Hee hee.

Let's see....my CD's did the music for most of the night. After Ryan stubbornly insisted on Sugarcult, I let it play for about 20 minutes, and then switched it to play the other CD's. Josh was thrilled. "Your music kicks ass over that R&B crap!"

I came home 15 minutes before curfew, for two reasons:
1. The party was getting loud and the parents were looking exceedingly pissed.
2. I was absolutely bagged from the whole day. I needed to sleep.

I fell asleep remembering the night...and my wonderful nap in his arms. Mmmmm, yay for feeling warm and protected.

Woke up. Went to church. Came home. Gamed it up--I got the memory card for my PS2 and thus have been making up for the lost time on Final Fantasy X. Go me and my souped-up Tidus.

Went to Alison's for band practice. Kristy's become our second guitarist...we got AFI's Days Of The Phoenix up to an amazing level. When we get together with Ryan next, it should sound absolutely spiffing. Now if only my vocals weren't the opposite of superb.

Alison went upstairs for a bit, then came downstairs with flowers and a box of chocolates. She tosses the chocolate at me and says "These are from James, he says what's up." She hands the flowers to Lesley and says "These are from Jeff, he says I love you."

Lesley and I look at each other, then take off upstairs. We run outside, and guess who's standing on the front walk?

God, I don't deserve anything that I get sometimes.

Came home. Ate dinner. Played FFX again.

Blogged.

Monday: Had mechanics. And....I suppose stuff happened...nothing that I can really remember, though. Jason brought my Tao cards to school, turns out I left them at his house by accident. Whoops.

I gave Sarah a reading in the food court after school...didn't go as well as they had been going lately. I need a rest. My psychic abilities are drained.

I looked for James's Valentine's Day present today....I found part of it, but it's a decidedly cheap part. When he called my cell phone later on, I demanded a list of what he wanted.

J: "Something homemade."
K: "Seriously?"

Yes, the wheels are turning. I have a plan of nearly unparalleled proportions. And I need to take a trip to a craft store.

People And Their Alcohol
I'm at Jason's house...James apparently went for pizza. With Jeff and Mark (yes, that Mark). I've done like 5 readings tonight for people...I'm tired out. They're all running around drunk. And my CD's are funding the musical entertainment for the evening. Ryan stubbornly insisted on Sugarcult...and only Sugarcult.

I'm going back. I'm sober, and they need someone to look after them.

What Else?
Might go over to Claudio's tonight. With James.

Alecia keeps warning me vaguely about things...she said that going tonight "may not be such a good idea" and that if anything happens she'll "have to say I told you so". If somethings wrong, or if I'm about to face some kind of doom, I'd like to know, thanks. It was hard enough for me to not tell Pierre about impending doom....dammit, I hate this. Excuse me while I go beat myself.

Mechanics was fine today. I got 97% on a "safety test". We watched a movie. I got my coveralls and safety glasses.

Morgan, my locker-mate, has given me full permission to decorate the locker. Whee!

Social...I had a nap. So I slept through the Hitler movie.

English. We finished reading Death Of A Salesman. It's sad, I can see parts of myself in Willy Loman. But, I can see parts of everybody else there, too.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Wow...ok....something interesting...actually, I'm hungry. That's it, I'm getting something to eat!

Friday Five
1. What did you have for breakfast this morning? If you didn't have breakfast, why not?: I had...Mini Wheats, and pretzles, later on.

2. What's your favorite cereal?: Froot Loops! Yay!

3. How often do you eat out? Do you want that to change?: I go out for fast food too often...yeah, it should change. I'd have more money if I just stayed home.

4. What do you plan on having for dinner tonight? Got a recipe for that?: Hmmm....I'm thinking scrambled eggs! Or soup! Both involve microwaves.

5. What's your favorite restaurant? Why?: I love....Moxies!!! Bah, there's probably more restaurants that I love...anything with sushi or seafood is a good bet.

Something?
God. Nothing to talk about tonight, it's kind of sad.

I did a Tao card reading with James over the phone....things looked good, from what I could tell. I'll bring it all on Saturday to the party. Then maybe you'll all know what I'm nattering on all the time about.

I had no concentration today when I got home around 5. Sectional after school. I kept playing my part wrong, which doesn't make sense because, hey, I'm a section leader...I should know my gosh-darned parts by now. My mind just wasn't....there, you know? I was somewhere else.

Even a bus-ride-long conversation with James on my cell phone didn't shake the cobwebs from my mind. I need my Friday. And my weekend.

Actually, what I'm living for is next weekend.

Generally, my family goes away to Edmonton for 3-5 days...leaving me in the house. Now, before you get all excited....no parties. Of any sort. Absolutely not. Nuh-uh.

Anyways. Yeah, so my grand plan, while I have the house to myself, is to pour myself an immense bath in my parents bathtub (it's huge--like a mini hot-tub). Use the litre of bubble bath that I bought a month ago. Bath bombs. Bath beads. My sister's portable stereo playing assorted CDs somewhere away from the water. Possibly jellybeans somewhere nearby...

Oh, God, I can't wait. All I have to do is survive seven more days...I can do that, right? Survive?

Hell, I've been doing it for 17 years and a bit, I can manage another measly seven days.

Pierre's acting like he's on the verge of a philosophical nature. He gave me a strongly-worded lecture about tolerance and how I should "forget all the hatred and have fun for the last bit that we'll be together". [excerpted from the MSN conversation] Good advice. However, Brenna's still....Brenna. Ahem.

I'm working on my Asuka picture in my other window. Damn, so much erasing.... *rubs temples* I should call it a night.

Maybe I'll call the new layout "Hearts In Atlantis". Alecia, you know where that's coming from.

His Mom Was Scary!
Yeah. A typical Wednesday. What with the band practice from 6:30 until 9 and all.

James came and got me from the mall after the ladies left. We went back to his house so I could do some work on his blog template. I met his Mom....

God, I'm such an obvious kiss-ass. She comes in, looks me up and down, and says:
Mom: "I don't think I've met you before."

Me: nervous laugh "No, I don't believe you have." *awkward pause* thinks to self: "Dammit, Kendall, say something impressive and normal!" *sticks out hand* "I'm Kendall!"

Mom: looking surprised and un-nerved "I'm Cathy."

That went.....well.....

We'll see if she actually likes me. She cared enough to ask me about band as we were leaving so James could drive me back to school.

Mechanics was fun. Morgan and I are the only two half-way intelligent people in that class. But then again, it's a grade 10 class....let's not expect too much. My textbook is a good 2.5 inches thick...Alecia's going to pitch a fit when she sees it. It takes up half our locker my itself. I think it's developing a gravitational pull of its own (like me, some of you will contest) due to its immense mass.

Lyrics? Sure, why the hell not.

The Scientist--Coldplay
Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Ooooohhhhhhh [x4]

Silent Conversations
"Do you love me?"
"I thought I did."
"Past is past, right?"
"The Past never dies."

"Don't hate me . . . "
"Why can't you feel?"
"I feel, I just don't feel . . . much."
"Don't you even care?"
"I do care. It just wasn't anybody I loved."

"Love hurts."
"Love doesn't exist."
"Do you love me?"
"I don't know what love is anymore."

"Remember?"
"Memories are faded and weak."
"But you can't just . . . forget."
"Forgetting hurts less than the memories."

"It's better if we don't see each other anymore."
"If you loved her at all, don't call."
"Let go before it's too late."
"You're wasting your time, hanging on to something that didn't really happen."

"Do you love me?"
"I don't think I know how."

Tears For Angels
I should be in calculus right now....but I'm not. I've had it with that class. Factoring my ass. No more. I'm going to take something useful....like mechanics.

No, I'm serious. Mechanics. Now there's something I can use in the real world.

Anyways. On a more sombre note.

I stopped by the chapel today at the end of lunch....they were holding a memorial service for the avalance victims. Most of the people were grade 10's who went to Bonaventure with Ben Albert and Scott Broshko...and I remember those kids. It's been three years, and god-dammit, I remember Scott playing his trumpet at the Christmas concert. I remember Ben terrorizing my science class because my teacher was his homeroom.

There was a lot of crying...a lot of hugging....and I wrote my thoughts out on the sheets of paper at the front.

"Sam, our prayers are with you. Our hearts go out to you and your family."

"To the Broshko family....your son's memory will never die. It's been three years, and I can still remember his infectious smile..."

Weak words. Nothing that could possibly fix anything. Seven bright, young, happy kids are dead. Nobody has the answers to the questions of the parents. Why them?

I guess it's such as shock to everybody because they were so young....when all those people died in the other avalance a few weeks ago, people...well, its not that they didn't care....just, it wasn't as upsetting. They were all adults, all capable of makign their own choices.

But these were young, healthy, vibrant teenagers. They still had years and years ahead of them...god, it hurts my heart just to think about what they all could have been.

Never forget. Jeff Trickett, Daniel Arato, Michael Shaw, Scott Broshko, Marissa Staddon, Alex Patillo, and Ben Albert....

Sure, Right, Fine, Whatever
I hate school. School hates me. It's a fair trade.

My mom told me I'm not allowed to drop Calculus.....well, this should be oodles of fun, in that case. I can do it. I'm pro-star. Go me and my mad math skillz.

I'm gonna die.

So it seems that the new topic of discussion amongst the loyal readers is the possession of my virginity. YES, I still have it. Yay for refraining from pre-marital sex! But, alas, a big huge nay for the mere suggestion that I lost my virginity to unsavoury characters.....yeah, I think we all know who/what I'm talking about.

Oh man. Something interesting to talk about?

Hmmm.....I have a fan base....one girl from Quebec added me to her MSN list and told me that she reads my blog a lot...let's see..........yeah, wow, my life really is boring...

Dartwars starts on the 14th. If your interested, gimmie a shout and I'll sign you up. Lisa and I hung out today...went to Toys R Us for a peek at the latest dartgun merchandise. It ended with a swordfight using the Lord Of The Rings swords in the same aisle as the dartguns. She bought me refill darts, earrings, and a big-ass jawbreaker for my birthday. On that note, Alison also bought me my birthday present today, too! A gorgeous journal (which I'm going to use for my Tao Oracle readings), a bouncy ball, Pez, and a lightbulb....which is purple, with blue goopy silicon things coming off of it.

My mom, predictably, forbade the insertion of said lightbulb into normal light fixture. I'm now planning on buying a bedside lamp for the sole purpose of using this amazing lightbulb.

And....yeah? God, OK, I'm just rambling again. I'll sign off before I say anything more idiotic than my usual standard.

I have plenty of self-respect. Shows how much you really know about me. Jerk-ass.

Being Your Walls
People misinterpret everything. Let's clear it up, shall we?

Things I still have: My virginity (in all aspects); my underwear; self-respect.

Things I no longer have: Reason; rational thoughts; the ability to lie to Alecia; my heart.

Hopefully that helps.

Fallen

14 souls lost
Half by fire;
Half by ice
Both enclosed in loving airborne arms
None feeling the sting of stolen innocence
So far above;
So close to touching safe ground
We fall to our knees in front of the screen
Cry to a God who doesn't listen to silent hearts:
Stolen; too soon we pass, too soon we're let go
So much for protection
So much for dreams.

Sam Albert's brother was one of the seven Strathcona Tweedsmuir students killed in the avalance on Feb. 1st. Hopefully your prayers go out to her family, and the families of the other six.

Pray also for the families of the seven astronauts killed onboard Columbia.

Echo
Last night was fun...I left my house at 9:10 with the full intent of going to Ryan's for a movie night...I didn't make it there until 11:30.

Ahem.

I had fun....a lot of fun....and don't worry, I'm not going to tell anybody what you almost did....*laughs* OK, I'm done.

Thinking about what I almost did last night....and then thought about what I was doing a year-and-a-half ago.

I'm doing it again....bad Kendall. Didn't we have this discussion a year ago? Keep your heart in your chest and it can't get broken.

Damn it. I should listen to that little voice.

Although, that little voice is what stopped me from screwing up last night. God bless it.

I miss you even more.

In The Morning
Everything looks better in the morning.

And the dreams from last night helped a lot....I miss you, I had fun last night. I want to see you again as soon as possible. Please?

Talking to Shawn in the other window. We're repeating the same conversation that we always have whenever Duncan decides to open his stupid mouth.
"What's their problem?"
"I don't even know that sometimes."

Some help he is....although, that's not really fair to say about Shawn. He's stuck by me a lot lately. I don't think I give him enough credit. Thank you, Shawn.

I should go get ready for work. We'll see how the day goes.

It Shouldn't
It shouldn't hurt.

My stomach shouldn't twist into knots like this. My walls shouldn't crumble and I shouldn't feel this sick.

I shouldn't be closing up, closing off...my hands shouldn't be shaking.

I shouldn't be on the verge of breaking apart.

Not after so long. You'd think I could roll with it, avoid any pain. You'd think I had enough fucking strength in me to withstand whatever those assholes dish out.

They're worthless, they're scum. They exist on the lowest plane of human intelligence. Evil, petty, and cruel don't even begin to describe them.

In all honesty, I don't even remember why they hate me so much....besides the whole fat bitch thing.

And you're right, ok?

I'm a fat bitch.

There, I said it. Are you happy now?

Do you get your kicks by taking other people apart? Well con-fucking-gratulations. This is one girl that you've finally torn apart.

Fuck you. And especially you, you homosexual son of a bitch. I can't believe I ever dated you.