Choke Me
Bend over the sink. Hot tears sting eyes, blur out reality.

Gasp and sob and feel the scream die in the throat.

Why?

Drowning or waving, waving or drowning . . . . . .

Wish you were here.

The vision of you faceup on the floor, my hands around your neck. Pressure.

Press just a little and see the most fantastic shades of purple and blue. My knees pin you down.

Now you know what it feels like.

No regrets. Keep repeating the mantra. No regrets. None. No regrets.

Ragged breaths, narrow chest. Choking on air. Asphyxiate on dawning comprehension.

No regrets. No regrets no regrets noregretsnoregretsnoregrets....

Collapse on the floor.

Don't look back you can never look back.

Never.

Diversions, Anyone?
Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

Yes, I was just that bored.

Twilight
I was stained, with a role, in a day not my own
But as you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown
And I always knew, what was right
I just didn't know that I might
Peel away and choose to see with such a different sight

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight

Never cared never wanted
Never sought to see what flaunted
So on purpose so in my face
Couldn't see beyond my own place
And it was so easy not to behold what I could hold
But you taught me I could change
Whatever came within these shallow days

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen

As the sun shines through it pushes away and pushes ahead
It fills the warmth of blue and leaves a chill instead and
I didn't know that I could be so blind to all that is so real
But as illusion dies I see there is so much to be revealed

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight

I was stained, by a role, in a day not my own
But as you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown
And I always knew, what was right
I just didn't know that I might
Peel away and choose to see with such a different sight

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight...
-Vanessa Carlton

Justify
Mmmm.

I'm feeling a bit resigned tonight. I found Dropout Josh's blog, as a side note. Holy christ, the ignorance of some is overwhelming.

Chelysse tried to add me to her MSN list. One big huge "nay" there.

So I'm officially sick. I suspect it's from getting thrown in the ice-cold lake on Thursday. Or my family infected me, one of the two. It was kind of funny on the train today, I started sneezing and people edged away from me. Blame the little SARS "epidemic". Ignore the fact that I live in Alberta.

Band hoodies came today!!!! Mine's red. And fuzzy. And big. And soft.

Mmmmmmmmmm, comfort......

So, in other news....

COLDPLAY!!!!!!

Pierre got his grubbly little French paws on four very, very good seats. I'm going. I fully intend to kidnap the bassist and turn him into my love slave.......after, of course, I kidnap AJ from Not By Choice. Hi, guys, I'm a wannabe-punk teenybopper.

Took the bus home after band. There's something to be said for having the sun on your face for once. As much as I love seeing my friends every day at school, I still can not wait for summer to come.

"I'll see you again, you'll pretend you're naive / is this what you want, is this what you need?"

Wow. Good words. My winamp is playing all the songs I needed to hear.

So I got 50 hits between 10:15 last night and 8:15 tonight. Hurrah for publicity, especially people I don't know!

I also had someone throw snowballs at my window last night around 10:30 or 10:45. Scared the living daylights out of me...

Lyrics? Bah. I'll post them in a separate entry.

"That....Was Amazing...."
Fack fack fack.

Of course things were too fucking perfect.

So I ended up being the one to butt heads with Jeff after a looooooong period of general unrest in the group. It basically erupted over the aftergrad argument. Nobody could decide what to do, so Jeff walks up and starts complaining about how we can't plan anything fun and yada yada yada. So I told him to stop his bitching and fucking plan something, rather than sit on his ass and complain.

Somehow, it spiralled out of control. I think I lost it when Jeff said something about "you people" [he meant the girls] "polluting" his group.

So I stood up and tried to keep my cool. "Is that how you talk about your friends?"

Then he started yelling some shit about the fighting and then he brought the blog thing into it....dunno how that came in. He started saying stuff about how he should just leave, or something like that, because we're all fucked anyways.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Then go."

Fack. Everytime I open my blonde mouth, I say something wrong and fuck things up.

Eh, Jeff will get over it. He's just upset because someone had the nerve to put him in his place for once. Just like everything else in my much-loved, misguided, soap-opera of a group, this too shall pass.

And Chelysse's STD-ridden legion of grade 10's is out to kill me. Pffft this is me not caring. I got a pretty nasty guestbook comment [which I deleted], and an Enetation from Jeff about me being a blonde cunt, etc.

I've said it before, but in case all you new readers haven't gone back and read the archives....

I don't censor here. This is how I feel. Just like Jeff said something to me a month ago about how he doesn't hold back his honest opinions...same here. I don't like her. I never have. I don't have to like her. I don't have to pretend to like her. Granted, I could just not talk about her, period....or she could get the hell off my blog....but I digress.

You know, it's like....whatever. Nobody ever gets along perfectly all the time. People will fight, but they will also make up. I mean, that Anne thing from last month--by all accounts, that should have been the end of things right there. But no, we made up [because I was a gullible blonde fool...] and moved on.

Things will pass. I expect there to be a few days of uncomfortable vibes, but whatever. This will blow over, like everything eventually does. Let's not bitch about it guys, it's the last seven weeks of school. Let's just be friends for the short time we have left.

Seven weeks? Holy shit.....

And Then....Stuff...Happened
So I finally beat that evil boss woman. I prayed the entire time. I also played some old-school Zelda, for the first time in months.

It hit me today what a stressful month May is going to be:

-This Sunday I have a band competition in Red Deer. On a side note, it's rumoured that our tour to Eastern Canada may be cancelled on account of this god-forsaken SARS issue. It had better fucking NOT be. There will be death for the Catholic School Board. They will have never known such wrath. *anger*

-I've got my AP English exam on the 5th.

-Battle of The Bands tryouts are next week. We only get one song to audition with, so we're planning on getting "My Favourite Mistake" up and using that. The actual competition is on the 24th and 26th....I think....so yeah, in those two weeks we've got a hell of a lot of work to do if we don't want to make fools of ourselves. Plus I don't know if Ryan wants to even do this anymore....hopefully I can use my feminine wiles on [read: beat the hell out of] Jared, get him to drum for us instead.

-GRAD One big fucking shithole there. The bonus now is that Chelysse aka Little Miss Syphillis isn't coming in the limo. Pierre gave her the boot on Friday. I hugged him when I found out. But anyways....yeah, nobody seems to want to plan the aftergrad. Half the people want to go to the Firewater thing, others want a hotel room, others want tp have a house party, some want all of the above, and others are just sitting back and going "shit, I'm not getting involved." I've done my stresser [grad ticket purchasing], I'm spent.

-...there was something else, I'm sure of it.

Oh well, the Tao has been looking good all around. I can definetly handle it. I might need a loooooong massage and one hell of a bubble bath afterwards, but I'm good to go.

Ooooch.
If you've been reading the other blogs, you already know that Sarah had a party on Friday night.

You probably already know that there was alcohol involved. You probably already know that I did some Tao readings for people.

What you don't know is....

Damn Scott and his vodka smoothies. Couldn't even taste the alcohol.

Let's leave it at that. Oh, and Mike kept poking my chest. Not fucking cool. And Mark's friend from Ontario kept grabbing my so-called "lovehandles".

Yeah, good ole Mark was there too. Hurrahs all around. Please note my sarcastic tone of voice.

So, I did readings for Scott, Anne, Sarah, and Claudio, in that order. Needless to say, by the time Claudio's turn came around....well, let's just say I wasn't in the best state of mind. But apparently I made some freaky sense with Anne's reading.

Which is strange, because I honestly have no clue what she was asking about. I don't really know what's going on in her life right now....aside from the cryptic messages in her blog, but those can only tell you so much. So basically, I was going on pure psychic instinct when I did her reading.

Saturday was the mother of all fucking snowstorms.

I almost didn't make it to work on time, it was so bad.

Nobody came in to work, of course. We almost closed early, but nooooooooooooo. Greg [manager] decided that we should close at the usual hour of nine instead of eight. It cost them more to have us all pissing around than we actually made in sales that day.

Came home, played FFX. I got really far--I'm at the point right now where they want you to think you're almost done the game--but of course, you're not...not when you've only played it for about 40 hours. So I fought this one boss twice, died each time. I gave up and went to bed.

I wake up this morning, raring to game.

I died three more times. Now, you have to understand.....it never takes me more than two attempts to kill something. So I was pretty pissed off.

Of course, I eventually beat it. But now I'm on this other boss who keeps evolving into something bigger and nastier every time I think I've killed her. After her third morph, she did one spell and killed my entire party. *cries*

I've given up for now...I decided to come upstairs and blog for a bit. Maybe I'll go play Zelda...haven't done that in a while. Or listen to my CD's.

My cell phone bill came. I was expecting to pay only $40.....no, it's a whopping $60. I'm screwed. But on the bonus side, my mom said she'd buy my shoes for grad. Yippie!!!

You Owe Me Nothing In Return--Alanis Morissette
I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

The Boys Of Summer
Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not at home

But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don't understand what happened to our love
But babe, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

Out on the road today, I saw a BLACK FLAG sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice Inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
-The Ataris [originally by Don Henly]

Friday Five
1. What was the last TV show you watched? Wow....I have no idea....I haven't watched TV in awhile....let's say....Much Mega Hits.

2. What was the last thing you complained about? How cold the god-damn water was in the fucking lake. Or how bad my psedo-appendix hurt.

3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? Josh--how much I liked his entry...or my sister--"my, you look desheveled in the mornings!"

4. What was the last thing you threw away? The eggshells from breakfast. Yay for scrambled eggs with tex-mex cheese!!!!

5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited? konfusion with a k. My twin. Seriously, guys. I found the page. Her name is Kendall. She was born in 1986 [same as me]. Konstantine was playing when I found the site. Creepy creepy creepy.

My Take
People were looking for my entry. As Alecia put it--if you wanted a long, detailed explanation of it....read my blog.

Good ole Kendall. Always the long-winded one.

So. Wednesday.

My day started at 6:30 AM. I showered, ran around trying to get my stuff together, and tried to convince my mom to give me the video camera for the day. She said no.

Mike picked me up, and as we're getting in the van I go, "Did you remember your swimsuit?" Well, of course he didn't. It's now 7:45....we're supposed to be at Chinook in 15 minutes....we go to Mike's house because we're going to be late as it is. As Mike's getting his stuff together, I go, "Yeah, I wanted to bring the video camera....."

He grabs his. We don't check the batteries. We drive to Chinook, I shoot some preliminary film. Of course, when we meet in the mall, we're missing like 4 people.

"Where's Claudio?"

"He broke his car....took the radiator cap off. Spilled coolant all over the place!"

You don’t ever take off the radiator cap. Especially if you’ve just been driving. Claudio’s just damn lucky he didn’t get boiling coolant [oxymoron alert!] all over himself. We hung around there for a while, waiting for everyone to show up. I found an outlet to charge the camera in. Alecia brought me the all-time best breakfast: Café Mocha and a Vanilla Dip donut from Timmies. Mmmmmm, donuts……

We headed out to Banff—turns out we didn’t really need Claudio’s car, but me/Claudio/Pierre used it anyways. [I know, I owe you all for gas!!!!]

What’d we do?

We parked, and adventured around downtown Banff. Ended up eating in Coyotes restaurant—it was different, I’ll give it that. Although I’m pretty sure that onions are not supposed to be that brilliant shade of magenta, Anne.

I was almost thrown in a river…..twice……we went for candy and ice cream, and basically just hung around.

One of the best parts of the day was when we went to this little rest area so Laz and Claudio could have naps. We basically just sat on the grass in the sun and talked aimlessly. I went for a romp in the woods.

Ended up on the edge of this cliff, with the whole valley spread out before me. I remember now, why I love the mountains so much. I think I tried to explain it to Claudio and Pierre on the way back……don’t think I did it…but yeah.

I love the mountains because of their solidity. They don’t change. Standing on that cliff edge, I just closed my eyes and basked. The wind got all in my hair and the sun was on my face. Do you know what I mean when I say “vertigo”? I got it over and over again. When I opened my eyes to see the world, I couldn’t take it all in at once. Everywhere you looked—mountain forest river sky—something wanted to take the entire scope of my vision. It wasn’t until after I had my little “moment” that I noticed there was a hiker about 50 feet to my left, watching me.

So I ran back to everyone else, and we played with the Oracle Book for a bit.

Pierre ended up driving back to Calgary, as Claudio could barely keep his eyes open. We talked a lot—I told Pierre about how I think I want to be a social worker now. We talked about the year and how different things are. We talked about our friends, how they’re doing. We talked about a lot of things, interspersed with bouts of “Hey, slow down a little, ok?”

We met everyone else at the Petro-Can by COP. After a light dinner of McDonalds, we decided to go to my house and hang out. Needless to say, my Mom was a little frightened by the sight of 11 teenagers showing up at the door.

Watched Lilo & Stitch. My dogs got let out, by popular request. Laz seems to have an uncanny affinity with Maddy. I swear, those two are in it together. Poor Novak, he doesn’t really like dogs…but my dogs kinda decided to make him love them.

For some reason, we ended up watching me play FFX. I’m really sorry, guys, now you know what a heinous loser I am. *hides head in shame*

And then we went adventuring. Went to the Native Reserve, I ended up on the top of Laz’s car. We went to the Subway in Midnapore—Laz and Mike decided to race down James McKevitt doing 140 km/h. Holy Christ—can we never do that again?

We wanted to go adventuring some more, so we went to the gallows by St. Mary’s college. I, being the adventurous one, ended up on top of the roof. Mike suggested we check out these abandoned churches a few blocks away. So we head off—but I stopped to chase a herd of deer. Don’t ask me why, it just seemed like a fun thing to do.

So we go to the churches, but of course we forget—old churches = graveyards. Not. Fucking. Cool.

Anne and I had issues with that place.

So, after that romp, we all go home.

Thursday, we all went to Lake Bonavista. I was all ready to tan my little pasty-white hide, but the weather turned gross. I got thrown in. The water was very, very cold.

We all just hung out some more. Watched Alecia and Laz get in a water fight. Kim came too, it was good to see her again.

Eventually we all went our separate ways—Mike drove me home, and I spent the rest of the day playing Final Fantasy and…well…not much else.

I got these horrible stomach pains around 6:30 last night. Like, not actually stomach, but more in intestines/spaces between said intestines. So I’m lying in bed last night, trying to figure out where this fucking pain’s actually coming from—and it seems to be in my lower right-hand side.

Me, being the medical “expert”, fly to the conclusion that my appendix has burst, my body is slowly filling with poison, and I’ll be dead by morning.

I almost went to wake my mom up to drive me to the hospital so they can save me. But, then I realize that I’d be in a lot more pain if my appendix had truly burst.

And besides, if I were really dying, I’ve had a great last few days. I spent time with all the people I care about, I saw the mountains again, I had the best damn ice cream in the entire world.

I had a great time in Banff, guys. *group hug* Yay for bonding!

And we’ll have to watch the video at the next party.

I fell asleep listening to the rain last night. “Konstanine” is playing. I am one happy Kendall.

Josh said this song reminded him of me.

Over My Head--Treble Charger
I've been having a bad day
Something's rubbing the wrong way
And I need something to show for
And nothing to go for
Cause I think it's over in my head
And I can't describe this feeling
I've climbed from floor to ceiling
Don't have the strength to wake up
Won't have the arms to take up
Everything and nothing
Won't wait cause I'm not bluffing
I never asked for any help
I'm asking now

Think I'll last through the weekend
Stay away from the deep end
Cause I've got nothing to show for
And I know I need more
Circling over my head

I can't describe this feeling
I've climbed from floor to ceiling
Don't have the strength to wake up
Won't have the arms to take up
Everything and nothing
Won't wait cause I'm not bluffing
I never asked for any help
I'm asking now

I don't care where it takes me
If it takes me away
I won't know if it breaks me till tomorrow comes
What have I done today?

I can't describe this feeling
I've climbed from floor to ceiling
Don't have the strength to wake up
Won't have the arms to take up
Everything and nothing
Won't wait cause I'm not bluffing
And I never asked for any help
I'm asking now
I'm asking now

Happy Birthday To My Blog
I knew there was something I needed to blog about today.

It's [cynically] smiling's birthday. It's a whole year old today. *hugs screen*

Wow, I really hate looking back on the early entries....I'm glad I got that bolding obsession out of my system early on. And so I commence my little trip down Memory Lane. [cue mood lighting]

I wouldn't have it any other way. Despite all the hardship I've gotten from this blog [more specifically, the comments made regarding it], I wouldn't change a thing about it. This is the person I am, this is who I'm becoming. It's just a part of my daily routine now--come home and blog. In it's own twisted way, my blog helped me become mroe at ease with myself. Therapy through writing, if you will.

Wow. 12 months of blogging. 4 different templates. 74 lyrics.

Banff tomorrow. Yay! Night everybody.

Banff Banff Banff
I'm all psyched for tomorrow's trip. I plan to be a tourist. All day.

Mike, you should pick me up to go to Chinook tomorrow. I'll go in Claudio's car, but since you live in the boonies with me, it makes sense that you pick me up.

Worked last night. Nothing special.

I work today, too. *cries*

Check this out. And make sure you've got the volume turned up.

Jaked On Green Beers--Alkaline Trio
It's been a long time since I've been close to you
It's been a long time since I've been sad.
It's been a while since I've really spent time with you
Wish I could take back the times that I had.
The only thing that you ever really did for me
Was make me oh so miserable.
And the hope that I never see your face again
Is anything but questionable.

I hope this is goodbye.
I hope this is goodbye.

There was a time when I thought you were a friend to me
I think those times I was probably just drunk.
And if they offered a test about being a good friend
I'd put money down that you'd surely flunk.
The only thing that you ever really took from me
Were my records to sell them for dope.
Now all I have left is this heart in my chest
And my happiness helping me cope

I hope this is goodbye [x4]

It's been a long time since I've been close to you.
It's been a long time since I've been sad.
It's been a while since I've really spent time with you.
Wish I could take back the times that I had.
The only thing that you ever really did for me
Was make me oh so miserable.
And the hope that I never see your face again
Is anything but questionable.
There was a time that I thought you were a friend to me
I think those times I was probably just drunk.
And if they offered a test about being a good friend
I'd put money down that you'd surely flunk.
The only thing that you ever really took from me were my records to
Hawk them for dope.
Now all I have left is this heart in my chest,
Your dishonesty helping me cope.

I hope this is goodbye.
I hope this is goodbye....

An Exercise In Writing
It was the "thud" of luggage in the front hallway which caused me to finally raise my head from the drafting papers in front of me. It was a noise out of place in the apartment, a noise incongruent with the city traffic and chatter of the neighbours.

She was standing in the doorway, silhouetted against the flourescent lighting in the hall. Her clothes were disheveled. A thin sheet of sweat shone against her perfectly tanned skin. As if she was unsure of herself, she shifted her weight from side to side. Unconsciously, she chewed on her lower lip for a few seconds as she looked at me, as if trying to decide what to say. The luggage behind her seemed immense and provocatively sudden.

"I'm leaving."

She announces this to me as if she had just annouced that the world was ending in the next forty-two seconds. As if I should get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness.

I look at her for a few seconds, then duck back into my work. Drafts and plans. Blueprints litter the table and spill onto the floor. Buildings make sense to me--their beauty, their unchanging reliability. Lay the foundation right the first time, and the building will weather the worst of storms.

(Her eyes bore into me.)

Unlike relationships.

She's still looking at me. I raise my head once more.

"Did you expect me to say something?"

Huffy: "I expected you to at least care. About me. About us for once, Simon. I expected you to care about something other than your god-damn buildings."

A quick glance at the plan in front of me. The deadline's tomorrow, and it just isn't working out for me. Load placement is all wrong.

"I'm leaving," she says again.

"Then go." I return to my design, to the reliability of physics and architecture. As opposed to the fickleness of women.

"Excuse me?" She's shocked and pissed off, I can tell. Her hands figit with the hemline on her dress, her foot taps an erratic beat on the linolium.

"If you're going, then go. If you wanted to leave, you wouldn't have stopped to talk. You would have left while I was at work, or out of town, or taking a walk. If you really wanted to leave, you wouldn't be standing here. So if you say you're going to go--then go. Don't say something and then never do it."

She's speechless. Her mouth hangs open and her lips move once or twice.

I return to the plans. A support arch right....here.....should fix that problem.

I don't even raise my head as I hear the door slam behind her.

"Where Are We?" "I Thought You Knew!"
Went for some illegal rompage through the native reserve last night with Pierre, Alecia, and Mike. Next time we do it, though, we're bringing flashlights. And we've found a new party spot, too.

After that little adventure we went and got lost in Woodbine. We stopped and played in a playground for about half an hour, and wrote things in the gravel in large letters.

My keen sense of direction failed us, sorta. We almost got lost. Almost.

I'm supposed to be working at 2. My parents aren't home....I have no idea how I'm supposed to get to work.

I tried printing off my 73-page story yesterday. I managed to shrink it down to a meager 33 pages. My printer copped out at page 12. You can read a crude HTML version of it here. Be warned, though, it's a doozy. And it's basically just a huge long paragraph.

My computer's broken. On the 12-GIG harddrive, we had something like 756 MB of space left. The damn thing wouldn't run anything.

I managed to free 2.6GIG in my folders alone. *sniff* I miss all of my hottie pictures......

Lyrics? I listened to these guys last night. Soundtrack of my dreams, if you will.

Make My Day--Not By Choice
Attention is what I
Is what I'm needing from you
Even though you're miles away
It's not that I miss you
I just want to be with you
And everything will be ok

You make my day you make my night
You make everything alright
And when you come around
You always bring me down

Rejection is what I'm
Is what I'm feeling from you
Cuz you left me yesterday
It's not that I'm pissed off
I'm just lonely without you
I can't believe you've gone away

You make my day you make my night
You make everything alright
And when you come around
You always bring me down

You make my day you make my night
You make everything alright
And when you come around
You always bring me down

And Cut
I always get run-down around 8 PM. Granted, I didn't get to sleep until almost 2 last night.

I had a whole bunch of random, intricate thoughts I wanted to write. Mostly about last night. And how Jason and Mike have the uncanny ability to see right through me. No matter what I say, no matter how loudly I protest, they always seem to know exactly what it is I want and need.

So, I drank 4 glasses of beer last night and didn't feel a thing. I'm back on the rebound.

Mike, I'm sorry I called Alana a bitch....it was uncalled for, but so was your calling Alecia a bitch while I was on the phone with her. Disrespect my friends, and I pull out all the stops. But I apologise nonetheless.

Angels Or Devils
This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna come here tonight
This is the last time - I will fall
Into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
But fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down
Come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna give in tonight
Are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

Still I can see the pain in you
And I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

If I was to give in - give it up
- and then
Take a breath - make it deep
Cause it might be the last one you get
Be the last one
That could make us cold
You know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
-Dishwalla

No, I Didn't Die
Hey people. My computer's been broken, and I've been busy. I'm going to Shawn's in like 20 minutes, so we'll make this short.

Thursday: Stayed after school to buy the grad dinner/dance tickets.

I felt like killing people. Lots of people, actually.

The people who were buying tickets surprised me. I didn't know half of those people were in grade 12. And of the rest of them, I didn't know they were even graduating, for Christ's sake.

Anne had 'hot waving sex" with the Hot Framer Boy near my house. Damn her. Alecia and I decided to call him Chad. Well, I decided....Alecia just sorta sat on the other end of the phone and allowed me to ramble for a good 5 minutes.

Thursday night I worked. Went out afterwards for a quick coffee. Yelled at someone. Came home.

Friday I worked. But it was Good Friday, so I got time-and-a-half. That makes up for my $51 paycheck. Kind of. We played Name That Song all day. I won, 19-6. IN YOUR FACE CORI!!!!

Lisa and I went to see Bowling For Columbine last night. I highly recommend it. It's really disturbing....but it really makes you think.

Lisa slept over too. We stopped by her house so she could pick up her stuff, and I went to pay a visit to my old house.

I'll admit it, I cried when I looked through the window and saw that the clock on the stove was still set on the old time. That's when it hit me, you know? Like, it's not "my" house anymore. It's nobody's god-damn house.

Shit. I don't know why I'm still upset. 5 months, you'd think I'd get over it. Fuck.

So this morning Lisa and I went for a walk in Sundance Lake, then I came home. I'm waiting for Jason to get here to pick me up, and then, yeah. Whatever happens, happens. Look for updates tomorrow.

"She Bit Me!"
It's Wednesday.

It's sunny.

I had early dismissal.

I went for Moxies.

I got a ride home.

I'm in a good mood, despite the continuing grad table fiasco. Thank God it's all over tomorrow when I buy the tables.

Something freaky happened today. So I've had this song stuck in my head all yesterday and last night. I was singing it in the shower, humming it while I dried my hair, basically obsessed with this song. It's called "Boys Of Summer" and it's a cover of The Eagles, done by The Ataris, and it's on their new album So Long, Astoria. Now I have never the original version of the song, and I was thinking last night about listening to it sometime.

My mom flips on the radio this morning in the car.

Guess what song is beginning to play.

Freaky, I tell ya.

Anyways....yeah, not too much to talk about. My mom and dad hated my socialist-themed social essay. Keep in mind that my parents are small-business owners, and stanch capitalists. My essay basically bashed the private sector and cheered on government programs. My dad said we're not vacationing in BC anymore, as I've become "brainwashed" by the political system.

Claudio's leaving for Mexico today--have fun! "Wait! Wait! Ten pesos!!!" Ahh, good times.

So.Yeah. My Final Fantasy X quest is coming along splendidly. I'm in the middle of the desert with Rikku and Co. We're missing Yuna, but we find her in the Al Bhed settlement in about 1/2 an hour.

Only those people who play FFX or have listened to me talk will know what I was talking about.

I *heart* the internet.

*Cries*
I finished my social essay.

5 pages. Double spaced.

I did extra reseach. I have footnotes.

Kill me now.

Because Yes, I Am This Bored.
1. First Name: The
2. Middle Name: Wonderful
3. Last Name: Renegade
4. Nicknames: none
5. City: Calgary
6. Age: 17
7. Guy or Gal: Gal..."as far as we know....."
8. Zodiac Sign: Capricorn! Hoo yeah!
9. Siblings: BS and KS
10. What are they like?: Uh...BS's 14...and KS's a boy.
11. Pet(s): 2 dogs. My babies. Maddie and Lucy.
12. Hair Color: Blonde
13. Eye Color: bluish-greenish-wheteverish
14. Height: 5'3
15. What hand do you write with: right
16. Hair Length: too fucking long
17. Do you bite your nails?: unfortunately.
18. Do you think you are cute?: I'm god-damn sexy.
19. Do others think you're cute?: "comments in 3...2...1.."
20. Shoe size: it varies. 6-7.

RELATIONSHIPS
21. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope
22. If so what is their name?: Mr. Nonexistant
23. Where do you shop the most?: Musicworld/HMV/Zellers [I work there, ok!?]
24. Do you think your fashion is cool?: Sure is. I hope.
25. Do you have any piercing?: 4. Want more.
26. If not, what do you want pierced?: Another set of lobe holes, maybe a cartilage
27. Do you have a tattoo?: not yet!
28. If not do you want one, and what would it be?: After my MGB tattoo dream, I want the letters "MGB" between my shoulder blades. Or that sweetass temporary one I found over the summer.

THE EXTRA STUFF:
29. Do you do drugs?: nope
30. Do you drink: not lately
31. Who are your friends?: people I like
32. What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use?: why does every single survey have this question!? are you going to go and buy me the shampoo? I DIDN'T THINK SO.
33. What sport(s) do you play: BAND CAMP!!!!
34. What are you most scared of?: Car accidents; being raped
35. If you could go anywhere, where would it be?: Anguilla or Italy. Or Germany. Hot damn.
36. How often do you cut your toenails?: My toenails don't grow....
37. What are you listening to right now?: Matthew Good Band--Jenni's Song
38. Who are you talking to right now?: Nobody, my MSN is fucked, up the ass, with a combine.
39. What time is it?: 10.01 PM
40. Do you have your own phone line?: cell phone
41. What's the last four digits of your phone number?: 0799 or 9784
42. What shoes do you wear?: my ruined Vans.
43. What clothes do you sleep in?: pyjamas! Scruffy dog!
44. What kind car do you have?: My dad's got a PT Cruiser [SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP] and we've got the ubiquitous Chrysler Van
45. Who is the last person who called you? C, I think.
46. Where do you want to get married?: I'm not.
47. Who is the hottest guy/girl in your school?: Who the fuck cares?!
48.If you could change anything about yourself what would that be?: I'd be prettier.
49. Who do you really hate?: I despise LS.
50. What are the ugliest names?: Arnold, Wanda, Phillis....damn, I got nothing. Hang on, I'm getting more food.
51. Favourite Colour: Blue. Any shade. Damn my room for being tan.
52. What's your favourite number?: 14
53. Favourite Movie: Lady & The Tramp! Lilo and Stitch!
54. Favorite Candy: 5-cent Husky candy
55. Brand: whatever, i guess
56. TV show: UNDERGRADS!!!!!
57. Food: Sushi, Subway [sniff], Purdy's
58. Fast food restaurant?: Subway, Arbys [damn you Chicken Bacon Swiss], Yogen Fruz
59. Nail polish color: This turquoise stuff I jacked from my sister. Hmmm....
60. Subject in school: English, followed closely by band
62. Scent: Lilac or Lily.
63. Bath or Shower?: Bubble baths!
64. Teacher: Mr. Patrician, that man's fucking hilarious
66. Smoked?: No, but I had a dream about it once...that was fucking weird.
67. Drank?: Didn't we already ask this question?
68. Got drunk?: THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME QUESTION AS # 67 AND #30
69. Bungee Jumped?: Just give me the chance. The ultimate opportunity to conquer my fear of heights.
70. Went movie hopping: zuh?
71. Broke any laws?: it's on my "to-do" list
72. Ran from the cops?: fire trucks. DWars. Nuff said.
74. Made yourself throw up?: no, I can't. it's just not in me
75. Gone skinny dipping?: nope
76. Been In Love?: sure haven't.
77. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: only with my parents

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF, WHEN YOU HEAR These WORDS:
78. Red: white
79. Cow: burger
80. Pig: bacon
81. Rubber: balloon

WHICH IS BETTER:
82. Barfing on your date or date barfing on you?: ew, none
83. Have your Tonsils or your appendix removed?: appendix. Spiffy scar alert.
84. Coolest: MS
85. The weirdest: MJ/P
86. Funniest: KM or JA
87. Smartest: SO me.
88. Happiest: A
90. Sweetest: AM
91. Loudest: Me.
92. Quietest: AM
93. Silliest: KM
94. Best Friends: A, AK, LM...you guys know the drill.
95. who do you go to for advise?: LC, A, T....people, I guess.
96. Who knows all your secrets: whoever reads my fucking blog, apparently. Hi guys! *waves*

HAVE YOU EVER...
104. Eaten an entire pack of KD: yeah....*hangs head in shame*
105. Caused a car accident?: AUGH! No.
106. Seen the ocean: Yeah...it's pretty when the sun sets.
107. Night or Day: "have you ever night or day?" worst. Question. ever. Anyways. Twilight.
108. Chocolate Chip or mint Chip: So obviously mint chip.
109. Ocean or lake: lake. helloooo, ski-doo.
110. Chocolate or vanilla: CHOCOLATE!!!!!
112. Love or lust: lust, it's less painful
113. Silver or gold: Silver
114. Pencil or pen: pen
115. Skirt or jeans: yay pants!!!! skirts/dresses are still Satanic minions!!!
116. Rose or tulip: lilac.

IN THE PAST 48 Hours, HAVE YOU..
117. Cried: dont think so
118. Bought Something: iced cap!
119. Worn a skirt?: last friday, yeah....
120. Gone for a walk: to the bus. to the school. In school. to the station. from the station to fucking WESTERN, at the OTHER END of 17th Ave.
121. Gone for a drive: jason's van today
122. Gone out for dinner?: nope
123. Taken a test?: yup. social, i think....
124. Talked to an ex: sure, several, i think.
125. Missed your ex: hells no.
126. Watched your favourite movie: nope
127. Given someone a present: i dont think so. my shining presence should be enough
128. Missed someone: a little
129. Hugged someone: i think so
130. Kissed someone: haha no.
131. Danced with someone: nope
132. Had a nightmare: nope
133. Fought with your parents?: my dad, on Wednesday night

THE FEELING SIDE:
134. What do you feel about the Ouija board: GIMMIE!!!!!
135. Do u believe in yourself: usually
136. Worst feeling in the world: betrayal
137. Best feeling in the world: lying in bed with the sun streaming in and realising that you don't have to get out of bed.
138. Are you for world peace: who isn't? oh, wait, George Dubya.
139. Are you a health freak: haha. NO
140. Do you have a crush on anyone?: a little
141. Who is your crush: good god, like i'm saying this on my blog. he probably reads it.

ALL QUESTIONS
142. Do you like filling these out?: I'm just that bored!
143. How many people are you sending this to?: hundreds! thousands! the 5 people who read my blog!
144. Who was the person who sent this to you?: it was on MJ's UJournal
145: What do you think of the person that sent this to?: MJ, your journal's very....blue. and you can do an excellent Chewy/Bunny.
146: Who will send it back: i'm hoping to see this on someone else's journal.

Feel You Breathe Me
Mmmmm.....it rained all day. I heart rain.

And it was dripping wet all day. I love the smell of wet earth and damp concrete. Hurrah for rain.

The grad tables gave me a good-sized headache today after lunch. I wanted to strangle some people--but by the end of Thursday, I should be $2300 richer.

Damn Kayla. First she goes with Josh, then she decides to go with Jason, then she breaks up with Jason, now she's back to Josh. If she changes one more time, I'll wring her neck.

Must....do...social....essay. Lyrics first, though.

So Long, Astoria
It was the first snow of the season
I can almost see you breathin
In the middle of that empty street

Sometimes I still see myself
In that lonesome bedroom
Playin my guitar
And singing songs of hope
For a better future

Life is
Only
As good as the memories we make
And I'm taking back what belongs to me

Polaroids of classrooms unattended
These relics of remembrence
Are just like shipwrecks
Only they're gone faster
Than the smell after it rains

Last night while everyone was sleepin
I tripped through my old neighborhood
And resurrected memories from ashes

We said that we would never
We were really just like them
Does rebellion ever make a difference

Life is
Only
As good as the memories we make
And I'm taking back what belongs to me
These relics of remembrence
Are just like shipwrecks
Only they're gone faster
Than the smell after it rains

So long Astoria
I found a map to buried treasure
And even if we come home empty handed
We'll still have our stories
Of battle scars, pirate ships and wounded hearts,
Broken bones, and all the best of friendships

And when this hourglass
Has filtered out
It's final grain of sand
I raise my glass to the memories we had
This is my wish
This is my wish
I'm takin back
I'm takin them all back

Sweet Ass!
Spare right now. Band computer.

I should quit jazz. It's Monday, god-dammit. I should be just getting out of the shower about now. Not sitting in the band room, where I've been since 7:30.

On a good note, I jacked Traffic Supply's demo CD. Jared let me listen to one of the tracks as O Canada was playing, then I begged it off of him. This is amazing. Matt's vocals are pretty good, too. These guys are definetly going somewhere, in my opinion. But then again, what do I know about talent?

Laz threw a good-sized wrench in my grad table plans. The table with him and Alecia and other Jeff and Kristy was totally full-and now his mom's coming. Yay for that--but now I have to rearrange everything. It'll give me something to do, at least.

Played with my cards last night. It was kind of scary, what they did. The card I drew while just thinking about the weekend was Conflict. The card it changed into was The Attraction of Opposites. Freaky, I tell you.

I still have half an hour to go....yeah, so, I'm insanely bored. Maybe I'll go and sleep. Mmmm, sleep.

She Speaks!
It's been an interesting weekend. I'll explain that entry from yesterday a little later on.

Worked today. The other woman who was supposed to work with me called in sick, so I was the only one in fashion. I killed my back as a culmination of band camp yesterday, too. But yeah, so Mark [Lazy Bastard] got a new car. It's a '93 Honda something-or-other. It's also a "manly purple", to quote Mark. We went driving on our breaks--me, Mark, and Sheldon. Poor Mark. The car's a standard, and he only learned how to drive standard 24 hours ago. It made for some interesting moments on the drive.

Hung out here last night, didn't do much of anything. I was supposed to go to Jason's [not Fung] house for Pierre's 18th birthday party, but I was just too damn tired from the 7 hours of marching yesterday at camp. Plus my 4 hours of restless sleep on Friday night did anything but energize me for a raging party.

Like I said, I had band yesterday from 9-5. I was supposed to work from 11-6. There is obviously a conflict here. So me and Jeff are sitting in the parking lot of the school staring at my cell phone, trying to decide if he's going to call in sick for me or not. Finally I gave in and called myself, made up some story about how I had a fever and just couldn't make it in, and how sorry I was. The rest of the day was splendid. We marched. All day. And bitched at each other because everyone was talking and wouldn't shut up.

God, I hate that. I'm all for having fun at band and all, but when it's time to block the fucking show, I wish we would just do it and stop pissing around. Having Jason constantly bitch at me when I try and get people to be quiet doesn't help, either. I swear, for a guy who thinks himself so fucking high and mighty, he bitches just as much as the people he hates. We were sitting in Wendy's for lunch, and out of nowhere, he starts talking about Jeff and how much he hates him and all this shit. I mean it doesn't even make sense why Jason hates him so much, and he can't give a reason for it either. I challenge him to explain it and he's like, "Because he's so stupid, blah blah blah, he won't get anywhere in life, seriously:" and then launches into a half-assed rumour of something he heard that Jeff did.

OK, if you hate someone, you're more than welcome to it. Knock yourself out, I say. But unless you have an actual reason, don't go throwing your fucking baseless opinion around. If you can't back it up, just shut your mouth and stew over it by yourself.

Shawn said something funny the other day. Jason went on one of his tirades about hating people for no reason, and I actually stuck up for the person he was complaining about. Then Jason starts on me for sticking up for whoever it was. So Shawn goes, "You know Kendall, she sticks up for everyone." Damn straight. I'm sick of people bashing other people when they have no reason for it. Anyways. Somehow my band camp story spiralled into a rant.

So yeah. Friday.

I wore a dress. It was the annual Kendall Wears A Dress Day. Literally, a yearly event. Anne and I totally called Laz's reaction. We're coming up to the doors and we count down. "Comments in 3....2....1..."....we open the door, and the look in his face was fucking priceless. Friday after school I had band for 2 hours, but I left early so I could catch the train. I went downtown, got off at Victoria Park station, and headed off down 17th Avenue looking for Western Canada High School. Ryan wasn't really clear on where the damn place was, so I ended up walking all the way to the end--Western is pretty far down there--before I found the school. One of Ryan's bands was playing, and Anne promised me some hot bass-player-y goodness. I wasn't disappointed. Well, I was....the guy had a girlfriend. But the lead singer is single--his name's Jesse. Hot damn.

We head back to Southcenter so Claudio could pick up his car and drive me home. We talked on the way home about that night's party, and decided that he was going to pick me up. So he comes to get me around 8:30, and we head over to Mark's house. Yes, that Mark. From New Years.

Jeff had promised us a grand old shindig. We got a vagina-fest--Grade 10 girls all over the god-damn place. Drunk off of 2 beers, no less. Smoking up in the basement [my virgin eyes, PIERRE] and puking all over the place. And you know it's bad when Melissa and I decide to put the kiddies to bed. We basically cleaned up part of the kitchen and tried to get all the kids into something resembling a bed. No such luck.

I went on a walk with Mark around 11:30. We basically sat on a bench in Fish Creek and talked about what each of us had been up to for the past four months. Only one awkward moment--when he asked me the question I'd been dreading. "So what happened after we went to the movie? I mean, I called you, and you were doing homework..." I stammered some half-assed excuse and then changed the subject.

We came back to the house between 12:45 and 1. Melissa, Mike, Sarah, Claudio, and all the other cool people had left. For people over the age of 17, it was me, Mark, Jeff, and that Josh kid. Jeff was downstairs in bed, so I went and sat with him for awhile and made sure he was driving me to band the next morning. We talked about stuff until almost 2 AM. I got a back rub, whoo-hoo.

Mark came in to check on Jeff about that time, so I went out to the TV area and hung out with him for a bit. Watched some more Jackass and then decided to hit the hay around 2:30. Jeff was getting up at 7:30 the next morning, and he was going to wake me up.

I said goodnight to Mark, then curled up on the couch with a blanket. Mark went into his room with some girl. I fell asleep soon after.

Woke up the next morning to Jeff telling me to get up. I showered, stuck my hair up, got dressed, then went upstairs to find the grade 10's all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. And hungry, apparently. There was nothing to eat in the house, so Jeff and I decided to stop at McDonalds and get food, while seeing Pierre at the same time. I had to wait until Jeff had showered before we could go anywhere, so I amused myself by doing some card readings for myself. God damn things don't make sense at 8 AM.

Went to McDonalds, saw Pierre, went to band.

That's basically my weekend.

Oh, and that "Everything She Didn't Tell Me" entry? An exercise in creative writing. The only true part of the entry is the non-italisized part at the end. That was my conversation with the girl Mark was with. The italics are my attempt at guessing what she might have said, if she were someone I knew better. I think it's one of my better works, considering that I sort of whipped it up at the last minute. Hurrah.

I should probably go do my social homework....

Ignite
I burn with the heat of unspoken words
You twist and turn and bathe in
The inferno of my breaking heart
We search back and forth for flint and timber
And dance our prayer to the invisible gods
Dance around the dying campfire of our love
The brushfire in my heart
Is drowned by the tears in your voice
Flames in your eyes, smouldered
Coals beneath my skin
The unlit match, the gasoline
The gunpowder line between you and me
I'm ready I'm waiting I'm aching to burn
Strike the match with your touch
Watch me explode with all that I feel
-12/15/02

Everything She Didn't Tell Me
" I still can't believe what I did last night. And it all came rushing back to me when I woke up in the morning. Standing in the shower and letting the water scald my back until it was red, I thought about it. About how all my lies just pile up on me. So many lies...for what? Those few minutes of pretend satisfaction? The imagined approval of someone who hardly cares about you?
I'm not happy--but I'm not sad, either. I feel . . . . . . confused. Like I don't know whether to fall in love or hate myself. I feel torn between my irrational wants and my down-to-earth life. My god-damn reality. The structure, the certainty of everything I do. The predicability of who I am and how I act. I stopped because it's expected of me, not because I didn't want to. I stopped because all it would ruin is the facade I present to the world. How they see me, how they think about me. And yet...some things never stop, and some things never even start.
Did it mean anything? Of course it didn't. It was a return to the past, a return to an older version of me. It's true when they say, you can never escape the past. But somtimes, you just don't want to. You hang on to what used to be, a polished memory of an illusion happiness. It's sometimes the only thing keeping you going, when the tables are turned and the twilight falls. You look back and remember how good it felt, being needed. And you need to be needed. I need you--and you believe it because it's the only thing you have to hold on to anymore. It validates you. Makes you feel important.
What I did isn't all that bad, contexually speaking. It's not like I gave any major part of myself away--only little pieces. Nothing more than what I've given everyone else in my life. Everybody's got a part of my heart. Some people took more than I wanted. Some didn't take near enough. And others just latch on to you and....leech, I guess. Get inside your thoughts, inside your mind. They make themselves a part of you, whether you want them or not. God damn it all. God damn those words that can be said in the space of the sound of someone's heartbeat. Curse those unspoken thoughts that cry out on the river and beg to be loved. I hate how I'm so easily manipulated by people--"You're beautiful." "I've stopped believing people when they say that."
It's not like anything life-changing happened. If it wasn't last night, it would have been another night, another piece of my past. It would have been a different face, a different set of cheap practiced words, a different half-assed reason. Things would have looked different, but the result would have been the same regardless of who needed me. You know what I mean. You use, too. We just have different ways of going about it. Ulterior motives remain the same, the method is what sets us apart. The two sides of the coin--heads for solid, tails for broken. Story of my life. It just depends which side you land on.
And I'm upset because there's nobody I can really explain it all to. I mean, there's you....but I can't talk to anyone about it. The one person I almost told is the one person I can never relate to. And the words died in my throat time and time again as I tried to force it out past my lips. As I tried to tell about the path I've set out on.
What frightened me was the feeling when I woke up. The apathy of it all. In an instant flash, I could see cheap hotels and stale cigarette smoke. And this same feeling--this same feeling of boredom and restlessness. A weariness seeped into my soul. Is this all there is? Or is that all there ever was? Solid solid solid, solid solid broken. Story of my life. In code, for a change. Utter and complete apathy. After being awash with the heavy feeling of perfection, the clarity and disillusionment of my thoughts was startling. Is this all there is? "

"What happened when you went to bed last night?

"Nothing."

Now For Today
I'm a genius. A fucking bona-fide genius. Why didn't I think of this before? Give me two seconds to pat myself on the back in a self-congradulatory interlude.

*ahem*

So it occurred to me today....we're all buying tickets for the dinner/dance together. There's about 20-30 people in total who want to sit in the same area....but they're all bringing guests. I diagrammed it out, and it's about 8 or 9 tables. Of 8 people each.

So that's like an extra 20 people in line on the first day of ticket sales. It's gonna take forever--and I realised that if I didn't try and sort of plan out the tables, nobody would, and then we'd all be standing in line bickering with each other and then there would be fighting because nobody would be totally happy.

I diagrammed it all out. I only need confirmation from Scott and Stacie about their seating arrangements--and a few people from Laz's group that I missed today--and then it's all finished. I'm talking to Alecia about it and then it hits me--if we've already planned where everyone's sitting, what's the point of having all those people in line with money?

OK, here's the genius. I'll buy the tickets. I mean, I have to buy them for Alison and Claudio, seeing as how they're both going away for Easter, those bastards. The plan, as sketchy as it is thus far [it got better talking to Anne on the train], goes like this: give me the money for grad tickets by Thursday at noon and I'll buy the tickets. I'll have the seating plan, and all the money, it'll be the easiest thing ever.

I'll need the money in an envelope, with your first and last name on the front. And the number of tickets that you're buying. Instead of everyone having to stand in line for hours on Thursday afternoon, it'll just be me. So you can all go home early and relax on your Easter break. Bastards. Just jokes.

I wrote down all the money people will owe me next week--$2700 in all, roughly.

By pure chance, I booked a flight to Finland today. Har-har-har.

Forget Finland, it's too cold. Anne suggested Mexico.

OK, So I Lied
[This section was meant to be posted last night. Pretend it's last night at about 10]

Band tonight. It's the first Wednesday in a while that I've walked away from feeling happy.

Couldn't be because things are looking shiny and happy in a certain department, could it? Never.

Don't know why, but things are feeling good. Which obviously means that there's a huge change coming. It's like an earthquake of psychic sorts. Yeah. I'm a loser. Anyways. There's only so long in my life that I can go happy before I endure a few days/weeks/months of misery. Bring on the teenage angst! Hurrah!

I haven't had a bad day in about a week. This is sweet. Aside from uterus-related angst, I'm a happy gal. However, judging by the state of other people's journals, I seem to be deflecting my "Bad-Day" vibes onto other people. .....sorry about that, guys.

Went to the mall after school to check my bank account balance. It's low.

I ran into Jordan/Rob/"Tiny" in the food court. We sat around and played the "Would You?" game. Basically, you sit there and ask the question "would you?" when a person of the opposite sex walks by. The extended version of the question is, obviously, "Would you do them?" Let's just say that I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long time.

[ditzy blonde banter ahead]

There was this really, really cute guy who was totally checking me out. He was there by himself, and kept catching my eye while I was trying to play the "Would You?" game. So he comes and sits down a table away and turns his chair so he can see me.

And what's the clincher, the give-away sign that he was actually checking me out? As he was leaving [ten minutes later], I was watching him leave. Checking out the rear view, if you will. Then, he turns around and looks me right in the eye.

And smiles.

Hot damn, I've still got it.

[/banter]

I do believe that Lesley and Jeff are going to grad together. This makes me an Estatic Kendall, because now Lesley's in the limo. So I'll actually have a girl that I know, besides Jeff's sister............and Pierre's girlfriend.....Alecia basically said how I feel about this subject, so I'm not going into it.

Bed? Probably should, I've got early band tomorrow again. Wind ensemble. Go me.

Any Other Way--Theory Of A Deadman
You've tried to open your mouth but only shit would come out
I always wondered where you got it from
You haven't heard a damn word I've said,
You never believed in anything I did
I don't care what you're doing, do what you want to,
Look where it got you

You can't help yourself
I know you'll never change
You say you don't need anyone
And wouldn't have it any other way

Just try to open your eyes and try my life on for size
I always wondered who you're hiding from
You haven't heard a damn word I've said,
You never believed in anything I did
I don't care who you're doing, do who you want to,
Look what it got you

Well you can't help yourself
I know you'll never change
You say you don't need anyone
And wouldn't have it any other way

Oh you made a big mistake, and won't admit it
You say you don't need anyone
Oh you made a big mistake, so don't forget it
I know you'll never change
And wouldn't have it any other way

You can't help yourself
I know you'll never change
You say you don't need anyone
You say you don't need anyone
You say you don't need anyone

You've tried to open your mind and leave your last life behind
I always wondered what you're running from

Oh you made a big mistake, and won't admit it
You say you don't need anyone
Oh you made a big mistake, so don't forget it
I know you'll never change
And wouldn't have it any other way
You say you don't need anyone, anyway
You say you don't need anyone
And wouldn't have it any other way
You say you don't need anyone, anyway
You say you don't need anyone
And wouldn't have it any other way

Flow
Watching daylight fade into the west. The sun bleeds pink and yellow floats past it into the clouds.

Night steals across the sky behind. Feel shock at the sudden switch from robins egg to deep navy. Hair rises in teasing wind, ribbons of gold in the dying evening. The dark sky rises up and seems to envelop the feeble light.

The space where the clash happens is impossible to convey.

Dark and light and black and white and night and day and new and old and ebony and gold and life and death and now and then and here and there and you and I and us and them and savage and passive and vivacious and lethargic and eager and reluctant and rebirth and decay and peace and war and future and past and reason and emotions and strength and weakness and and and and and and and......

Realise that it's all just a cycle of death and rebirth. The day has to die before night can come again. Remember that some things are better said with the lights out. The dark side of light. The light side of night. Everything has a reason, everything has a season, everything goes back to the start. Past can't be escaped and future is never certain. Born live die repeat. Sing the chorus as the guitar strums in time to a ceaseless rhythm within.

Scream cry love lie born die climb fall win fail exist disappear hate fear anger lust emotions emotions emotions emotions it was all just emotions it was all just writing on the wall it was all just experiences it was all just misguided perceptions.

See life in the night clouds. See reflections in the iron wall of water droplets. See the progression of day to night as the progression of time eternal. It cycles. It repeats. Day night day night day night day night day night day night day night day night day night day night day night until time fades to a halt. The cycle continues even after the smallness of humanity is long forgotten. Day to night and back again. He to she and back again. Elation to heartache and back again. Repeat.

Ache for summer days. Twilight seemed pregnant with possibilities, night seemed endless. The cover of darkness is a perfect insulator. Miss him. Miss antics. Realise that he's part of life now, part of the night memories. Part of the summer experience. Part of everything inside.

Wonder if the right choices are being made. Things could be so different if the other option is taken. Can't go back, though. No chance of repair. Live with it, love it. Accept it as what it is. Face value. Don't resist the urge to deal with it.

Find what brings peace. Find what calms the ceaseless flutter of the ribcage prisoner. Find what silences the inner screaming. Find what makes the eyes close and the worries lift and the lips curve upwards in smile. Find the release from mental chains, find what dreams are already saying. Find what is happiness.

Realize the night is fast approaching. Life is in the twilight and death is in the dawn. Live for the moments, the sunsets, that steal breath. Find the object of seeking in the quietest moments.

"Life is only as good as the memories we make". Think and walk in time to the bass and remember all the memories. It's not the events. It's not the reason. It's the other lost souls sharing the same moment.

That's what makes it all worthwhile.

Kiss Me In Your Living Room
Weird dreams last night. Weird weird weird.

Seeing former love interests show up with flowers and a limo is kind of hard for Dreaming Kendall to resist. Dammit.

This is probably the last entry until sometime on Friday. I've got band on Wednesday night, and work on Thursday night. Any spare time in between will be spent on Final Fantasy.

Hee hee. I'm wearing a facial mask right now. Avocado and oatmeal, if you must know....I jacked it from my sister's stash. I must look a fright. I'm sitting here in my pants and bra, my hair's not even brushed, and my face is green and stiff.

I've used this mask before though, it's worth it.

I should probably wash it all off and get ready before my ride gets here. The only reason I'm getting a ride with Laz today is because I slept in and missed my bus.

Plus I skipped jazz band. Shhhhhhh.

One More Sad Song--The All-American Rejects
One boy, one girl, two hearts, their world
Time goes by, secrets rise
One more, sad song, tears shed, she's gone
She'd take it back, if she only could

All the perfect words they seem so wrong,
She's gone
You wish that you could learn to see,
The door is closed and yo wish you could be

Alone with you, alone with me
What can I do, I can not breathe
My heart is torn, for all to see
Alone with you, alone with me.

Best friend, worst thing, she's been, cheating
Friend deceives, she leaves
Last date. she cries, whispers, goodbye
She walks once more, out that door

Please stay, don't go away
The hardest thing is letting go of you
Stay, don't go away
The hardest thing is letting go of you
what can I do?

Alone with you, alone with me, what can I do
I can not see, alone with, alone with...

The Inescapable Us
The day I met you
Decay will let you
Learn to bend
We are better butterflies
Meek we get the end

It makes me sick
It makes me laugh when I shouldn't
Kill what I came to keep alive
Your turn to spill

Now that's fate
Looking our way
Sparkling
Spot hasn't caught on

That's fate
Stealing away
Your sparkling
Spot hasn't caught on
Hasn't caught on

The day we met up
It's hard to get up
And live it down

We are smaller maybe
Than what we can't get around

It makes me sick
It makes me laugh when I look at you
Clap while it's kicking us around

And what it spills and what it spills
And what it spills is
Fate
Looking our way
Sparkling
Spot hasn't caught on

That's fate
Stealing away
Your sparkling
Spot hasn't caught on
Hasn't caught on
-Matthew Good Band

"We're Going For Food!" "And Tampons!"
Today wasn't the best of days.

It was a Monday, for starters. And the day started with band at 7:30. I've figured out this new piece, it's actually got a rhythm to it when you listen for it. It's not just random notes scattered over the page!

TA was fine. LC and I were running around telling anyone who would listen, "We wrote a song!!!! We wrote a song!!!!"

English....I remembered, as I walked into class, that I had 2 essays due. I had done neither of them. She didn't notice.

Lunch...A and I were heading down to the caf, and MJ/crew are leaving to go for food. And, I convinced them later, a tampon run.

There's something wrong with either my absorbancy level or my uterus. I went through 3 tampons before lunch. It's obscene. And all I had left was one uncomfortable cardboard one. So, after we went to Wendy's, AM and KM accompanied me to Co-Op so I could buy said tampons.

Yay for plastic applicators, folks. And Super Absorbancy levels.

My dad just snuck up behind me and read that part, then scared the bejeesus out of me. I got a mini-lecture about talking about mentruation on the Internet, because "that stuff's gross".

But father dearest, my public demands it!....sorta!....not at all!....moving on....

I was late to Mechanics because of said Tampon Run. We finished off the wheel [or brake...] bearings today. I got the grease shit all over my hands, so my hands literally smell like animal shit. I kid you not. That stuff is probably made from ostrich guano or something.

Because he ran us right up until the bell, I was late to Social, too. And then I got in trouble because I haven't done this Communism essay that I missed when I was sick....in March...so he ommitted it. And now I have an 83%. Whoo-hoo! And an 87% in English!

*dances*

I *heart* Matthew Good Band. I figured out I only need to buy one more album in order to own their full discography.

That album, my dear fans, is called Lo-Fi B-Sides. It's got 3 songs on it. And one of them is a Depeche Mode cover. It's rare. And I have to get it before I die.

Speaking of die....I'm gonna go catch up in Final Fantasy for a while. *tear* My mom say's I handled the whole deleting episdoe better than she thought I would. Considering I almost beat the shit out of my brother when he killed my first Zelda game...I thought I reacted quite calmly. I didn't even take a swing at him, just yelled for 30 seconds.

Atta girl, Renegade.

Leave Your Condolances
Ouch.

Just when I thought I had outsmarted Mother Nature and got to skip a month....

Yeah. Hello, Aunt Flo. Goodbye, cramp-free uterus.

Oooooooooooch.

*wanders off in search of Midol*

Houston, We May Have A Problem....
Damn template shit.

So I was trying a while back to get my commenting system implemented. Well, I found a reputable British-based system...and here we go.

The features available with this system?

*starts to tick things off on fingers* Fully customizable templates, pop-up window option available, forum code [smilies/conversations], remembers the name, email, and homepage for visitors....and here's the real kickers: I can edit and delete posts and ban IP addresses. Something Shout-Outs cannot do. Hurrah!!!

Takeoffs and Landings
On this coldest of January nights
We drive out past the runway and watch the planes go flying by
The runway lights are the deepest blue like the colors of your eyes
So close them tight and kiss me one last time

If you could go anywhere right now
Where would you go?
And would you miss me when you get there?
No place that I would rather be
Please don't let me go falling from the sky
The "fasten seatbelt" sign just needs to go out
If only you could be right here by my side
Home wouldn't seem so far from here

Passport, customs, carry on, remember
To shut off all of your electronic devices
Fell asleep on Tuesday woke up Monday afternoon
I slept right through your International Date Line

If you could go anywhere right now
Where would you go?
And would you miss me when you get there?
No place that I would rather be
Please don't let me go falling from the sky
The "fasten seatbelt" sign just needs to go out
If only you could be right here by my side
Home wouldn't seem so far from here

Please don't let me go falling from the sky
The "fasten seatbelt" sign just needs to go out
If only you could be right here by my side
Home wouldn't seem so far from here
-The Ataris

Gets You Thinking
Alrite. Updates in my life. Let's start with Friday. By the way, no Friday Five this week. Go here to get your own.

Friday: Worked until 9. I actually talked to Mark and Shawn and Dustin for once. We wasted a good half hour just pissing around in Sporting Goods and shooting some hoops. There's more than one new stock boy. The one working on Friday was nothing compared to Hot Stock Boy II. But, still.

So Jeff picked me up from work afterwards, but he was a little late getting there, on account he picked up this Josh kid. Josh used to go to Grandin, but dropped out last year...so anyways, we were heading over to Chris Friesan's house for his 18th birthday party.

We lasted 10 mintes before Claudio called my cell and gave us an out. Then we went to Jeffs. The guys were planning on doing a Jackass re-enactment, but the fact that it was a little chilly [read: freezing] outside deterred them. I spent most of the evening curled up in Jeff's quilt and watching Night At The Roxbury. So that's one movie I finally saw--the last time we were watching it at Jeff's, I fell asleep because I'd been at band camp all day and was bone-tired.

Claudio drove me home around 1AM. We had a good discussion in the car on the way back. We drove by the golf course where Matt Hansen lives and I just sort of blurted out the story of that party in grade 10 where we all just sorta ran around the golf course in the dead of night. He laughed and then got kind of quiet.

"I remember the first time we saw you at the train station", he says.
"Oh?"
"Yeah, we were like 'Holy shit that girl's hot'...and then we saw you standing with your boyfriend at the time and we were like 'Aw, SHIT she has a boyfriend!'"
I had to laugh. It's a funny story. Well, it's funny to me, because I don't consider myself the kind of girl who invokes that response from guys. In fact, if you listen to what I'm usually told by Jason/Shawn/Mike/the general male population, my physical attractiveness hangs somewhere in the vicinity of Hideous. Men. What do they know? But anyways.

Saturday: woke up late. Actually, it was Alecia calling me which woke me up so early--11:30ish. I got ready--eventually--and headed over to Alison's for practice. Lucky for me, Alison and Lesley had already picked out the beginnings of a song. So they start playing this different rift/duet-thing...and I get a flash of !!!!!. I dug through the piles of lyrics and pulled out something I wrote a few weeks ago.

It fit. It worked. We actually have a melody/chorus/bridge.

We have a fucking song!!!

Alecia picked me up from Alison's so we could go babysitting. The kids were rambunctious, but the cutest little devils you eve did see. The little boy, Liam, insisted that he draw a picture of me. So I had to sit very still while he "drew" me.

After Alecia and I got the kids to bed, we talked a lot about things. I did a reading for her with my ubiquitous cards. Things came out good, believe it or not.

So I sat there, and I realised that it had been a long time since I've done any kind of a reading for myself. Alecia, washing dishes at the sink, says matter-of-factly, "Maybe it's just because you're actually happy for once." That's eerily true.

Of course, I found something to ask about. And it wasn't a positive answer. The cards basically told me "no". So when we got home later, I asked another question about the guy I've been hung up on. My main card was "retreat". I have to let go, despite everything else that I was feeling. And it makes sense to me. Maybe that's all I needed--a push in the right direction.

I thought about a lot of things last night. Like how moving my blog didn't really solve the original problem of Matt/Bryce/Duncan reading it. Oh, no, they're still pretending they couldn't care less about me and yet continuing to read religiously. I realised something, too.

In some twisted way, their harassment actually helped me. All that Fat Bitch garbage forced me to become stronger, to stop caring about what other people thought. You know why?

Because I know that they're wrong. I know I'm not fat. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but I think I'm decent. I'm happy with who I am. I don't care about the opinion of three pathetic children who are so insecure that they have to go and persecute someone. Electronically, to boot. Too chicken-shit to do anything to me in person, they have to resort to faceless abuse. What kind of person sets out to destroy another human being? Have you no decency?

I don't care anymore.

I'm happy.

Burn This CD!
My latest creation....yes, the title is jacked from a Matthew Good Band EP. Good luck finding these songs, they're all hidden tracks on my CDs. The best of the best.

loseranthemsbsidesandrarities

• Pennywise--Piano Solo
  
• Vertical Horizon--Fast Car (Tracy Chapman Live Cover)
  
• The Used--Choke Me
  
• Something Corporate--Konstantine
  
• Sheryl Crow--Wild Horses
  
• No Use For A Name--Not My Savious (Live)
  
• Matthew Good Band--Waiting For The Great Destruction
  
• Matthew Good Band--Second Sun
  
• Matthew Good Band--Omissions Of The Omen
  
• Matthew Good Band--Enjoy The Silence (Depeche Mode cover)
  
• Matthew Good Band--Apparitions (Acoustic version)
  
• Jimmy Eat World--She's Perfect
  
• Jimmy Eat World--Softer
  
• Jimmy Eat World--For Me This Is Heaven
  
• DJ Sammy--Heaven (slow version)
  
• Dave Matthews Band--Crash Into Me (Live version)
  
• Dark-Eyed Junco--With You
  
• AFI--This Time Imperfect

Shake, Slide, And "HOLY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!"
So I almost died Wednesday.

Alison and I went to A&B Sound after school so I could use my gift cards from my aunt [I bought MGB--Raygun--reeeeeeally early album!!! and The Ataris--So Long Astoria] in a blissful spending spree.

It's been snowing the past four days in Calgary, and the roads are really slippery.

Alison's driving her beast of a Bronco...so we're coming onto Macleod Trail North from the Bannister Road onramp. She's not speeding or anything, no weird-ass braking...and suddenly...

The truck starts to fishtail. Just a little bit, and Alison seems like she's got it all under control. But for some reason, the little fishtail turns into a wild skid. We're talking 45 degrees or more. As we start to veer towards the guardrail, I get this mental flash of going through the guardrail onto the parking lot below. The truck swings back around once more--

And we come to a stop facing southbound. On the northbound side of the road.

I don't know how they managed, but nobody hit us. Everyone hit their brakes--the closest car was probably 20 feet from the front of the Bronco.

I'm flipping out at this point--I've been screaming and swearing and generally panicking. Also, keep in mind my fear of car accidents and dying in them.

Alison, true to form, just sort of laughs nervously and turns the Bronco around. And off we go merrily down Macleod.

I was shaking for the next half hour. I nearly had a panic attack when I retold the ordeal to my mom on the way home. But I'm alive.

And I remembered my freaky dream from the other night. I was in the car with Claudio, and we were coming up to the intersection of 162nd Av and Macleod [again, i know...] and it was snowing [this dream happened before the snowfall]. We went to stop at the lights....and slid into the intersection.

I'm screaming at Claudio in absolute terror--and then I look over and see him asleep at the wheel.

Then we got hit. T-boned, if you will.

And then what happened Wednesday.....*shudder* Weird guys, weird.

So anyways. Not much to talk about, I think the James-vs-Kendall dealy has been officially beaten to death. He got the boot from the public blog--I'm gonna go in later and delete all his entries. And all the links to his blog are being removed, I'm not even going to bother reading it anymore. He can go suck Matt Hansen's infant-sized cock, for all I care. Fat bitch my ass. Oh, sorry, Matt and James, did you take offense to that? Should I spell it out in crayon for you?

Go. Fuck. Yourselves.

End rant.

So I figured out I have no desire to find a boyfriend. I mean, I look at guys, and I don't wonder "What would it be like to date him?". I look at a guy and say to myself, "What would it be like to make out with him, then never call him again?"

Damn Mark from New Years. He got me addicted to one night stands.

And I have a "list" going so far. Alecia knows what I'm talking about. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

Yesterday was normal. Nothing happened. At all.

Had an interesting conversation with Matt and Chris which started out as me chastising Matt for not giving me a Girl Guide cookie when he promised, dammit; then ended with them asking me if a kiss from one of them would make it better.

That was, to say the least, perplexing.

And....yeah, I need more money. After my buying presents yesterday, I've got something like 15$ to my name. For the next two weeks. I gotta talk to my supervisor at work, this is getting ridiculous.

We've planned a day for the Banff road trip. April 23rd, guys. Mark your calendars if you're on the to-come list.

I've gleaned from conversations among the guys that they're planning on doing a re-enactment of Jackass this weekend. Fine, I say, but pick me up from work first so I can film it. And then we can go sign-stealing. I found a Kendall Road last year, down by Future Shop and Liquidation world. I gotta get down there with a hacksaw and a screwdriver.

Announcement
Happy birthday Lisa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This concludes the announcement.

And James is still a sack of shit.