The Drama Summer
We could wait for the wind to blow
Or give me a look so cold...It gives me chills
And ends the summer war
My eyes roll
Around and over and again
Falling down, dizzy with sun stroke
I'll be there
And i'll try to identify, try to look through the gray skies in your eyes...
I'll pick up everything you left behind
Cross your fingers, and pray for winter
I'll be there
Painting the town your favorite color.

Guess i'll call or see you around....yeah
Guess i'll call or see you around.
Guess i'll call or see you around....yeah
Guess i'll call or see you around.

I'll call, or see you around.
I'll call, or see you around.
I'll call, or see you around.
I'll call, or see you around.

...painting the town your favorite color.
-The Starting Line

That's the song that the layout is based on. Grrrr.....this still isn't working....

RockTheSuburbs
Welcome to the new layout, guys. The band featured in the pictures is The Starting Line. The layout was designed by New Found Star. And as usual, I found it on Blogskins.com.

Last time I checked, most of the image is still being hidden by my blog itself....stupid blog*spot ad...I'll try and fix that tonight. If you wouldn't mind leaving me a comment and telling me what you think about RockTheSuburbs, that'd be great.

Oh, and I want to make the blog/sidebar stretch across more of the screen. We'll see how this goes. Plus I'm still supposed to make Alliey comments/imoods; and blogs with all the fixings for Tanis and Jess. Arrrrrg.

I won't even mention work. It makes me mad. *growl*

The plus side? I look at least19 in my new LP clothes. Bought from Zellers, of course. But yah man. I look so sophisticated. If it wasn't for the purple hair, you wouldn't have recognized me.

And I demand visitors at LP this Friday or Thursday, dammit! Oh, and a request from all those girls in my Calgary audience who need dresses for the Winter dances--come buy from me! Please! I'll get the commission and they won't fire me for not selling stuff. And if you need grad dresses, [pointed look towards Andrea and Tanis] make sure you check with me when the time comes.

...and yeah, that's all for now, I suppose.

I don't have a single day off this week, either....

*dies*

Echo
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
So I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go of this pride

I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace
Around the one that I call mine
Time that called for space
Unclear where you drew the line
I don't need to solve this case
And I don't need to look behind

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why

So I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo in my mind

Before this echo can subside
Do I expect to change
The past I hold inside
With all the words I say
Repeating over in my mind
Some things you can't erase
No matter how hard you try
An exit to escape
Is all there is left to find

So I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why

I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind

Before this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you

I need to let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind

Before this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside
-Trapt

*ROAR*
My family's watching LoTR: 2 Towers on the DVD mega-theater downstairs. Those monsters yell pretty loud. Or maybe my dad was just playing with the settings again.

Worked today. I'm so tired. And I have an 8-hour shift tomorrow, as you can see in my schedule in the previous entry. I feel like dying. My mom and I went in early and shopped for clothes for Laura Petites. [it will now be known as "LP" until I don't work there anymore.] We actually found stuff! NICE stuff, too!

And did cash. Again. A collective groan from the crowd, please.

Speaking of crowd, I was a little surprised to see my Sitemeter was over 8,000 hits. I guess that's a good thing.

I'll post lyrics in a bit. Mmmmm, lyrics.

Dilemmas
Shoooot. So this Thursday is payday, right? And I've talked myself into buying Cauterize's CD because I'm addicted. But then I remembered that I wanted the new Dashboard Confessional CD, mostly because I'm addicted to "Hands Down".

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me / So won't you kill me / So I die happy"

Maybe I'll buy both. *glee*

Now for the bad news....I can't go to Paul's tonight, my mom wants me to come home. I have to do laundry and clean my room. I'm so mad! I want to see my bandies!

OK...my work schedule for the next few days....

Today: 1:30-9:15 [Zellers]
Sunday: 10:00-6:15 [Z]
Monday: 5:00-9:15 [Z]
Tuesday: 11:00-4:00 [Laura Petites]
Wednesday: 11:00-3:00 [LP]
Thursday: 11:00-4:00 [LP]
Friday: 11:00-4:00 [LP]
Saturday: 9:30-5:00 [Z]

Oh man.....it's money, at least...and time-and-a-half on Monday. Feel free to come visit me after work at LP.

Again, I'm sorry I can't make it to Paul's tonight. I'll call you guys though.

Today's blog-of-the-day is actually a band website--Cauterize.com. Go! Listen!

Je Deteste Customers
Six times on cash tonight...that's a new record...why the fuck do they only schedule TWO cashiers the weekend before Back-To-School?!?!

Someone please explain it to me.

And why the fuck do the customers think that the khaki pants fall under the "Buy one pair of denim pants and get the second 1/2 off" event? Clearly khaki isn't denim. And techincally, I was supposed to give them another $5 off the purchase because of that Request pants promo we have going on too. But I was feeling spiteful towards this cow of a woman and her equally bitchy daughter. No five-dollar discount for HER! Bwahahahahahaha!

I also forgot soooo much stuff tonight....that 1/2 off deal, for one......and the $5 Request thing, too. Oh well. I'm not paid to do cash, I'm paid for Merchandising, dammit. If they can't schedule enough cashiers, then I had better not get in trouble for not finishing my work because I was on cash. Oh, and I got a 20-cent raise, too. Maybe I shouldn't be bitching, then.

Oh man. I just had to get that all out.

Anyways.....I hate my computer, too, but that's a different story that I've complained about over and over again, and so I won't bore you.

IMPORTANT! message for the bandies: Tara L's blog is http://middleofyesterday.blogspot.com, not the other Tara linked to in my sidebar. Please remove the other Tara from your links, and replace her with the ACTUAL Tara. Tara is also today's blog-of-the-day.

Matt, you're coming to Paul's tomorrow night. I don't care if you're being all emo and stuff, you're coming. I haven't seen you all summer, and this is Shawn's goodbye, and I'll be damned if I have to go to Grandin's band camp to see you. Grrrr.

I'm SO buying that Cauterize CD. "Killing Me" has been stuck in my head all night. I know I already did lyrics, BUUUUUUUUT......

Killing Me
I wonder where you are
Please don't come around tonight
Cause I can't stand to see you and I don't want to fight.
Gimme one more drink and I swear I think I'll be ready
To make the same mistakes again with you.

I finally figured out that you're not coming back and I'm not going anywhere.
You were the one with all the faith how did you let it slip away?
That's right, I'm blaming this all on you and the little things you didn't do.
We both knew that you were stronger, could have fought a little longer.
You didn't hold it tight enough.
You lost your grip and I slipped right through your fingers.

No more sleepless nights alone.
This bed is better without you.
No more waitin' up for calls.
I've got nothin' left to say to you.

Tell me again about those better days.
This silence hurts me more than anything you could say.
Broken knuckles, broken heart.
I fell in love then fell apart.
You tried to run, I tried to hide, still we managed to collide.
Fell so hard, matching scars.
Held you close, felt so far.
Hearts beating out of time.
You're screaming with no reason and no rhyme.

So I will save this last breath for words that I won't scream.
I don't feel like dying, but you're killing me.

Just when the wounds start healing you're there to break me open.
Watch the blood spill.
I'm getting used to this.
I'll clean it in the morning.

I wonder where you are.
Please don't come around tonight
Cause I can't stand to see you and I don't want to fight.
Gimme one more drink and I swear I think I'll be ready
To make the same mistakes again without you.
-Cauterize

Girl's Not Grey
I'll lay me down tonight
Much further down
Swim in the calm tonight
This art does drown

(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has led me to this place
Where I belong, with all erased

All insects sing tonight
The coldest sound
I'd send God's grace tonight
Could it be found?

(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has led me to this place
Where I belong, with all erased

I'll lay me down tonight
Much further down
Watch stars go out tonight
On sinking ground

I'll lay me down, I'll lay me down

(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?
What follows has led me to this place
Where I belong, with all erased

What follows will swallow whole
What follows will swallow whole
-AFI

Friday Five
1. What do you hope to accomplish by the end of the year? Buy my car.

2. Describe the current contents of your stomach. Mini-Wheats!

3. If you were going to the zoo, which animal would you want to see first? Probably the big cats, or the wolves.

4. What item or activity in your life would it pain you the most to give up? Easy. Band.

5. What's the best thing that has happened to you this week? And the worst? Best thing: getting new job. Whooo! Worst thing: finding out that Hot Boy With Eyebrow Ring has long-term girlfriend.

Should Have Done Something But I've Done It Enough
Greetings, guys. I hope you all made it home safely and sobered up in time to do whatever you had to today.

Sarah, happy birthday, and KUDOS on having the best party in recent memory. Unfortunately, I missed the better part of the evening, including Ryan's heartfelt dedication during the band's performance.

I still had a blast while I was there, though! Hot tub, streaking [I have a feeling I'll never hear the end of that...], Boys Of Summer, the Wendy's run, sleeping in Alison's empty house with Ryan stealing all the covers, Dion's football buddies, finally meeting the infamous Meneka, figuring out three hours too late who Matt Stel was, that gross burning German liquor shot, trying to convince Chris P to let me have his Vex, running into JD ["....I don't remember you...."], seeing Ben and wanting to jump him right then and there [yes Sarah I know he's yours...], the resurrection of the New Years Shirt, Josh's wild greeting hug, the keg ["It's all head now!" "Just how you like it..."], "I can't find my panties!", everything.....just having a good time and getting to see everybody.

And I'm sorry I barged out of the room like that and stalked off. I wasn't mad....at you, at least. I was in a good mood last night, overall. But it's like I tried to say--you were drinking and I'm constantly stupid when we hang out. I left because I knew that if I didn't leave, we'd both end up doing something stupid. Things are good the way they are now--I was being stupid, like I always am, so please don't be mad at me. Just realise that I'm a retard and that...yeah...I'm gonna stop talking now...

My sister wants me to write something nice about her. So....I'm going to make typing noises and make her think I'm writing something nice. She doesn't read my blog [yet], thank God, so I'm safe. I wouldn't be surprised if some of her friends do, though. This is a not-so-subtle request for any of Blaire's friends/boyfriends/ex-boyfriends to leave a comment.

Today, I'm going to change my template, I've decided. I haven't settled on one specific one, yet, but I know that the comments will be based around "Blue & Yellow" by The Used.

Check back later--hopefully I can finish the darn thing before I work at 5 tonight. Jeff, dude, call me.

I Found This In My Imood
- blank stare blank heart keep the eyes on the wall on the ceaseless justification for a noncommittal existance its not like i ever tried to explain it to you because its not like i ever wanted to im selfish in my constant need to fool you all and you let yourself be fooled not only by me but by her but why cant you see your all being used? -

Random Lyrics

"Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I won't ever ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you'll never love me

Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?"

-Taking Back Sunday, "Cute Without The 'E'"

Please?
If someone can get me the mp3 file of Cauterize's "Killing Me" that does NOT have any weird "swoosh" noises or beeping tones and is the whole complete song, please send it to me over MSN or something.

I will give you my first born child. Or eternal gratitude, whatever comes first.

*smugness* I can play "Swing, Swing" by The All-American Rejects on bass. Not to brag or anything.

For Me This Is Heaven
The first star I see may not be a star.
We can't do a thing but wait.
So let's wait for one more.
The time such clumsy time in deciding if it's time.
I'm careful but not sure how it goes.
You can lose yourself in your courage.

When the time we have now ends.
When the big hand goes round again.
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?

The mindless comfort grows when I'm alone with my 'great' plans.
This is what she says gets her through it:
"If I don't let myself be happy now then when?"
If not now, when?

When the time we have now ends.
When the big hand goes round again.
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?

Close my eyes and believe wherever you are, an angel for me.
-Jimmy Eat World

5 Months Until My Birthday....
Here's an idea for those with credit cards.

Couldn't you see me in this? (size Medium, please!)

Killing Me
I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't think he does, either.

He puts his arms around me and I just stiffen, because I want to ask him, "What are we doing?" We both know better than this. I think. I want it, but I don't.

"How about this....instead of punching me, kiss me instead. That way, it'll hurt less!"
For you, or for me?

The latest episode in my series of failed relationship attempts is still fresh in my memory. Occasionally, it still stings, even. But I've been able to push him out my mind to the point where it seems like a bad dream.

And then all this.

A kiss on the forehead ("Wow, you're short.") shouldn't ignite a whole night of angst. Me teaching him how to give massages is no grounds for all this worrying about if I'm being played again, or if this time it's for real. You know how I hate being messed with and lied to and used.

I just hope that I'm not getting myself into anything stupid again.

And I'm not saying that I'm head over heels for this guy--far from it. I've learned now that selfless devotion is the most painful thing you can possibly do. What I'm saying is that yes, I'm willing to try. And if it doesn't work out, then that's the way it goes.

But I refuse to let myself get fucked over like this again. It has nothing to do with me being a bitch or anti-men or cynical. I'm just looking out for myself. But I want to try.

Because I think, maybe, it might work.

Ka-CHING!
Hot diggity. I got a job!

I'm working at the Laura Petites in Chinook now. They hired me 45 minutes after I handed in my resume.

I gave out 12 resumes yesterday, so I'm pretty happy. And I had Reitmans call me today on my cell, asking if I could come in for an interview tomorrow. Too bad I'm off the market!

$7.50 per hour, plus 1% commission. *glee* Oh....wait....I don't get any of the money. It goes straight into my mom's bank account. Also known as my College Fund, or, [as my dad likes to call it] "Mom & Dad's Hawaii Fund". Har-dee-har-har.

Saw Ryan yesterday at Chinook, we went for lunch. He said he ran into Graham on the escalators, but didn't give him a swift kick in the balls as per my prior requests. So yeah. Lunch at Moxies, then home, then Zellers work.

Sarah's party tonight! Whoooo!!!

I have something else I want to talk about, but I'll do that in a separate entry.

Printy-Printy
My printer sits next to me, labourously spewing out resumes.

Yep, it's Job-Search Day in the Renegade household. I figured that after not one, but two fights with my mom about jobs yesterday, I should just suck it up and do it. I've got....eight?....printed so far. Time to print more.

My printer is a piece of shit, I'll be honest. It matches my ancient computer which likes to selectively limit my MSN access at inopportune moments. And it doesn't like working in the mornings, either. You usually have to reboot the thing four or five times before it'll actually finish running through the "loading up" part of the day.

All I wanted was to print my resume without lines on it...little did I know that it would end with a steak knife and swearing.

First off, my printer [with a half-full cartridge] doesn't even print my resumes first page. It's just scattered black dots on the page. Page 2 comes out just fine, thank you, but noooo....so I try everything, cleaning the print nozzles, realigning the jets, all that jazz. Luckily we have an extra cartridge in the cupboard right behind me.

So I take out the extra cartridge, right? And it's wrapped in this plastic covering thing. No biggie, I'll just use my teeth. Apparently my teeth just don't have the ripping power they had in their youth. This is where the steak knife comes in.

All is well now, except I have to get up every couple of minutes to reload the paper. Be employed by the end of next week, that's my goal.

So yeah. Stampede is still giving me lots of back pain, but I love the guys in my section. They're absolutely hilarious. Purple Monkey Dishwashers about Jimbo and all that. "Stop flirting!" "I'm not saying that!"

20 resumes? Ohhhh yeah. Time to hit Chinook and surrounding area.

Fuckity Fuck
What do you mean, I'm still getting hits from her blog?!

The earth didn't swallow her up like the piece of scummy boyfriend-stealing-whore dirt that she is?

Yeah I sure HOPE they're having problems. You deserve it, hooch. Keep me in mind the next time you're feeling fucking selfish.

This little session of rage brought to you by Sitemeter, telling me when skanky hoebags are still visiting my blog.

Ghost Man On Third
Jinx me something crazy
Thinking if it's three
Then I'm as smooth as the skin
That rolls across the small of your back
It's too bad it's not my style
If you need me
I'm out and on the parkway,
Patient and waiting for headlights,
Dressed in a fashion that's fitting to the
Inconsistencies of my moods

It's times like these where silence means everything
And no one is to know about this
It's times like these, where silence means everything
And no one is to know about this

It's a campaign of distraction and revisionist history
It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
It's a shame I doubt they even care
No one is to know about this
It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
It's a shame I doubt they even care
Don't let me down

But whatever I have getting myself into
Lately has been slicing inches from my waist
It's my fist vs. the bottle
(And thank God you weren't there...)
And that's how bad could this hurt
Or against I won't feel a thing
(And thank God you weren't there...)
I tell you all about it
It's just not working out
(...to watch me hit the bottom)
Not working out

It's a campaign of distraction and revisionist history
It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
It's a shame I doubt they even care
No one is to know about this
It's a shame I don't think that they'll notice
It's a shame I doubt they even care
Don't let me down

This is why we were taught so much better than this
This is why we were taught so much better than this

This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
This is what living like this does
-Taking Back Sunday

Caged
My little "event" the other night, which may/may not have been a product of my imagination, keeps turning around in my head like a gerbil in an exercise wheel.

I'll give you a second to ponder the visual.

Jason stopped by this morning to say goodbye. He leaves for Vancouver tomorrow morning at 5 AM....this is the last time I'll see him until February.

I didn't cry this time, but I cried last night when Shawn and Jason dropped me off. I wrote a huge entry in my Hate Book about it [it wasn't hate-based, oddly enough] that kept me up until 1:30.

But yeah. So. My two best friends are leaving for university. I was looking at Jason today, and I suddenly remembered all those things I thought I had forgotten. Tim Hortons and McDonalds runs in the mornings, rides home, movie nights...all those things that I thought were unimportant and trivial about the past 5 years are suddenly so, so significant to me. I only wish I had had more time to spend with them.

This is growing up, though....people change as time moves forward. Watching him walk away was hard, but it was harder to get out of the car last night. Knowing that that was one of the last times I'd drive with them, listening to Jason's awful Elvis CD, hurt more than I can describe.

And I was supposed to go to Alison's today to practice. Too bad I have to memorize up to "J" in "Awayday" for Stampede tonight. I don't know how to memorise stuff! I've only had this music since Sunday, and I can barely read it! Arrrrrg. I tried to "condition" myself yerterday, get my arms back in shape.

I failed miserably. I still can't keep the horn at the proper 10 degree level for more than a minute. It's HEAVY, ok?! So don't give me crap about me being a weakling. *remembers Shawn's "upper body" voice in the car last night*

I'll stick with it, though. If anything, I'll be scarily buff by December. Or I'll have died from exhaustion. And we haven't even started marching yet! Oh joy! [groan.]

Oh shit. I just remembered that I was supposed to do stuff with Wyten today. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I should probably invest in a daytimer of some sort. Is there anything else that I've forgotten about? Please remind me.

Happy birthday Lesley!

Up From 43% This Time Last Year

50 %

My weblog owns 50 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

Forget December
On Christmas morning
Outside it was pouring
All was hopeless in this home
And no one speaking
No one creeping
To see if she was on the phone
And you were quiet
This routine riot is all but practical to me
And if we see it why can't we be it?
Can we let each other be?

Forget December
It won't be better than I remember it before
And this month only
Would be so lonely
And not so homely anymore

New Years Eve came
But nothing had changed
All the problems just got worse
We sat in silence
The routine science could heal the sickness we reherse
And if I'm talking
My words are mocking
The deaf ears they have fallen on
These words are tainted
With years of jaded
In a sense that's all but gone

Forget December
It won't be better than I remember it before
And this month only
Would be so lonely
And not so homely anymore...
Anymore...anymore...anymore...

Forget December
It won't be better than I remember it before
And this month only
Would be so lonely
And not so homely anymore

Forget December
It won't be better than I remember it before
A silent night won't feel quite right
It's not so silent anymore...
Anymore...anymore...anymore...

On Christmas morning
Outside it was pouring
All was hopeless in this home
-Something Corporate

Racecars
I met this girl the other day
Sitting alone on the Wednesday train
I said, "What's wrong? You look so sad."

She said she's got something inside
That she's not willing to confide
So I said, "Could I give some free advice?"

"Don't worry bout your problems now, baby,
Cause it just don't matter when it comes down to the fact.
Everybody's got problems now, baby,
And life's too short to keep them bottled up inside."

Cause I know
That life is like a racecar speeding down this one way street
That'll go
Any way it feels like heaven down this one way street
Cause I know
Everything will be fine

I met this guy the other day
Sitting alone on the sunday train
Dressed up with nowhere left to go

He said, "If there's one thing that I've learned,
Through all these cigarettes I've burned,
You've got to stop and look around."

He said that hindsight's clearer than a crystal ball
If he had a chance to stop and do it all over again
Cause when you're waiting for the sounds of the gavel
You don't want it to end with a fistful of regrets inside

Cause I know
That life is like a racecar speeding down this one way street
That'll go
Any way it feels like heaven down this one way street
Cause I know
Everything will be fine

Cause I know
That life is like a racecar speeding down this one way street
That'll go
Any way it feels like heaven down this one way street
Cause I know
That life is like a racecar speeding down this one way street
That'll go
Any way it feels like heaven down this one way street
Cause I know
Everything will be fine
-Allister

"Euph Power!"
I will never regret joining Stampede band.

Even though I ache in places that I wasn't aware I could ache, I'm having a blast. I love my section. It's me, Lauren, and 7 guys who are just thrilled to have girls in their section. So thrilled, in fact, that we had a euphonium bar-be-que last night, which was soon crashed by the trumpets.

A little warning to the Grandin bandies who want to be in Stampede: it's like 5,000 times more intense. I love it. Except that I'm not too pleased with this whole bell-front baritone thing, and not being allowed to actually put the horn down until they say so...it's causing me lots of pain.

Although, I can't wait until we get the uniforms. And I want to get a permenant instrument, not just bounce from one horn to another. I'll have to stop at Long & McQuade tomorrow to pick up valve oil and a snake.

Anyways...

So, after the trumpet/euph barbeque, I got Lauren to drive me to Southcenter to meet James, who would then take me back to Jeff's house.

Got back to Jeff's, watched most of Van Wilder, then got my ride home. We argued for the last little bit, and it made me so mad, because all I did was tell him the truth about it.

I went to bed in a decidedly contemplative state. I dreamt that I was back in his car, but the conversation ended differently. I didn't get out of the car, I didn't slam the door on....whatever that was.

I stayed, and finished what I had started. I'm not even sure what I'm talking about, because the dream wasn't all that clear to begin with. I think what I'm trying to say is that...I had a lot of things I needed to tell him that I did. [in the dream, I mean]

It's frustrating, this whole cynical experience. Really, it can't be helped, I suppose. This is the way I am, and that's how I'm going to stay for the forseeable future. A bit depressing, sure, but I've had too much bad luck to believe in anything else except the certainty of failed "love". And yes, it was my fault. I can't give the specifics on it, I can't point out things I said or did to prove the point I'm making. You just have to believe me when I say that it was my fault, every time.

One way or another, I end up destroying it from the inside-out.

I learned something today: even thought the Body Shop body spray may say "flammable" on it, you can't actually light it on fire. I was a little disappointed when I couldn't light the sink on fire with it. Then again, maybe I shouldn't be trying to light my sink/bathroom/flammable liquids on fire.

My mom just called to see if I would be willing to walk Lucy down to the vet for her 5:00 appointment. She's getting bloodwork done today, and then she should be getting her surgery next week. She'll get that weird skin sac removed from her elbow, and the pre-cancerous lumps taken out of her side. It's about $120 for each lump, and she's got 4 or 5 of them....I really, really hope she'll be fine.

Because
I'm so frustrated with myself.

I had told myself that I would actually go through with it this time--this is my last chance, and we both know it.

What's stopping me?

What's holding back my words?

Wake Up
I’m not sober all the time
You bring me down at least you try
Until we see this eye to eye
I don’t want you

I must be running out of luck
Cause you’re just not drunk enough to fuck
And now I’ve had it up to here
I don’t, I don’t want you

It took so long to see
You walked away from me
When I need you
Wake up I’m pounding on the door
I’m not the man I was before
Where the hell are you
When I need you
Wake up I’m pounding on the door
I won’t hurt you anymore
Where the hell are you
When I need you

I’m not angry all the time
You push me down at least you try
Until we see this eye to eye
I don’t want you

It took so long to see
You walked away from me
When I need you
Wake up I’m pounding on the door
I’m not the man I was before
Where the hell are you
When I need you
Wake up I’m pounding on the door
I won’t hurt anymore
Where the hell are you
When I need you

It took so long to see
You walked away from me
When I need you

Wake up I’m pounding on the door
I’m not the man I was before
Where the hell are you
When I need you
Wake up I’m pounding on the door
I won’t hurt you anymore
Where the hell are you
When I need you
-Three Days Grace

Oh, and a side note: "aforementioned" is a word. It means "Mentioned previously". Don't believe me? Check this.

"Do You Like Beer?"
If you answered yes to the above question, then you are fully qualified to be a member of the Euphonium section.

This is turning out to be a grand year.

And I'm probably getting hired at a photography studio in September [hurrah!], so that made my day a lot better.

Not to mention the fact that there are [so far] 3 excellent-looking guys in Stampede. 1 trumpet, 1 alto sax, and one tuba. I know, tuba. But still. Except that he came from Central, so....well....ok....he's still cute.

Anyways. Yeah. I'm in physical agony from today. Stupid bell-front baritones. Curse not having muscle. Arrrrg.

I bought Three Days Grace on the little expedition yesterday, too. They sound a lot like Trapt. But I like it, still. I think I'll leave you with lyrics, as usual.

Remember Me?
I was the one you used to gossip to. And now I'm the one you gossip about.

I laid myself on the line for you so many times. Did you ever think about that?

I was constantly vascillating between being myself and being who you wanted me to be.

I let you cut me down, throw me away. I let you use me, because I thought this is what best friends do. But I was wrong.

I used to be the face you saw in the mirror, before you changed oh-so-much and outgrew me.

Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me? Remember me?

Please?

----------------------------------------

NOTE: this was a creative writing exercise, sorry to the overly sensitive among you who may/may not take offense to this.

"Spoon Attack!"
Yesterday....hmmm.....ok....oh, right! Claudio picked me up, we went to Bishop O'Byrne so I could pick my my sister's schedual, then went to Zellers so I could check my hours and yell at them for the lack of the aforementioned hours. [Is "aforementioned" even a word? Someone please check.] My availability finally got fixed, so instead of having 13 hours per week, I'm up to 20.

Then we went to Edo for lunch....mmmmm teriyaki beef.....and wasabi! Watch out for the avocado, Claudio.

I think we went to the bank after that. Oh yes. And then to Pierre's where we watched some Red VS Blue and I laughed my ass off.

....and then came the mall....we picked up Sarah's present and ran into Kim and Alison while we were looking for Lesley. Went into Spencers and ended up not buying anything [gasp shock and surprise!]. They then drove me to my Aunts house in Deer Run for dinner.

My aunt sent me and my two cousins off to Co-Op to pick up everything that they had forgotten. We pull up to the Co-Op and Colin just looks at me and goes, "Kendall, you're going in."

I got the stuff, paid, went back to Aunt's house. I ended up bumming a ride with Colin to Pauls.

Partied at Pauls, came home.

And now I have to go to Stampede Band. Whoo-hoo!

[Insert Cheery Title Here]
Bah.

I don't know how much longer I can stand living in this house with my mother. Everyone else, I get along fine with, but when it comes to her....I don't get it.

We fought again last night, as had become the usual fare. I come downstairs to watch some TV with her, maybe do some mother-daughter bonding thing, and I'm there for less than 30 seconds when she goes "So it must feel pretty weird, not going back to school, eh?"

I just look at her, hoping she'll read the whole "Can we not talk about this?!" expression on my face.

"I mean, you must feel just lost."

Pause. "Yeah, I guess. Not really."

And then she launches into another tirade about how I had the chance to go to school but didn't, and now all I do is sit around and go out with my friends and stay out late. "You aren't even looking for a job." "Yes I am!" "Well I don't see you trying very hard."

I just sit there in silence, hoping she'll let it go. When she won't, I ask her, "Can we not? Just for one night? Please?" "Ok, well, I won't bring it up, BUT...." and then she repeats everything she just said.

So we have maybe another 30 seconds of relative peace and quiet before some Zellers commercial comes on. "You had tons more hours at this time last year, didn't you?"

I lost it.

"MOM! Could we NOT just have one night wherre you don't harass me about this? It feels like every time I see you, this is all we talk about. I'm getting so sick of it. You nagging me isn't making it any easier on me, alrite?!"

"Well I hardly ever see you except when you come in late at night and you're hardly home for dinner and you're sleeping when I leave for work. When else am I supposed to talk to you?"

I wonder if it ever occurred to her that the reason I'm never home is because I try to avoid her, so I can avoid the constant fighting.

And really, that's all we do anymore. I don't feel like I have a mother, just a nagging presence in the house. My mom used to be like a best friend to me, my last line of defense against all the other shit that went on. Now it seems like she doesn't even love me anymore.

I remember her and my dad saying back in October/November "No matter what decision you make, we'll support you in it."

My dad supports me, I know that. But my mom...well, it's hard to tell if she does or not, with the constant bickering.

I would move out, if I had a roommate. But another part of me recognises the danger in doing that. If I move out, I'll never save the money I need for school. I'm absolutely fucked if I move out.

But I feel like I'm fucked living in this house.

I'm going crazy here. My mom resents me for some warped psychological reason that I can't begin to fathom. She always brings up my marks, compares me to her friends kids, belittles my friends.

I'm so sick of her bullshit. Why can't she see that I'm not her? I don't want to live her life. When she completely cut down the whole Graham thing, asking me over and over if I thought I'd end up marrying him and what was the big deal, I ended up yelling at her, "I'm 17, Mom, not 40. Don't expect me to feel like I am!"

I really want to talked to Aaron and Jeremy. I know that they still live with my Auntie Bonnie, but they also took a year or more off. I want to ask them if they went through this garbage.

I don't understand my mom. And I don't understand anything she does anymore.

Anybody?

Glycerine
Must be your skin that I'm sinking in
Must be for real 'cos now I can feel
And I didn't mind
It's not my kind
It's not my time to wonder why
Everything gone white and everything's grey
Now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
Remember that
I'll never forget where you're at

Don't let the days go by
Glycerine, glycerine

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
Are you at one
Or do you lie
We live in a wheel
Where everyone steals
But when we rise it's like strawberry fields
If I treated you bad
You bruise my face
Couldn't love you more
You got a beautiful taste

Don't let the days go by
Could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
Could have been easier by three
Our old friend fear and you and me
Glycerine, glycerine
Don't let the days go by
Glycerine
Don't let the days go by
Glycerine

I needed us more
When we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
It might just be
Clear simple and plain
That's just fine
That's just one of my names
Don't let the days go by
Could've been easier on you
Glycerine
-Bush

"It's The Dominion Republic!" [or] Double Booking
I love band kids.

Props to Tanis for organising a trip to the fireworks show last night. It wasn't nearly as good as the Argentinian fireworks at La Ronde, but they were still pretty good. Oh God, it was great just to see everybody again. Jason and Shawn....RJ and Tanis....Evan and Trish and Alliey and Jess and Danielle and Hilary and Amanda and Andrea and GOD, everybody!

We ended up at the BP's in Avenida [some of us, at least!] and ate. It's true, what they've told us from the very beginning. You make friends in that band that last a lifetime. Or, friends that just make it seem like you've already lived a lifetime. In the short span of 18 days, you become inseparable. I don't know how to explain it, just that you sit there and look at them all, and you know that they're as happy as you are. There's no testing, no second-guessing, no doubts. You just know that what they say is what they mean, and you don't have to worry about getting fucked over the second you turn your back.

I'm so proud of them. My only regret is that I won't be around to see them over the next few years, that I won't get to see the people they're going to become.

RJ's birthday party is tonight, but I don't think I'll be able to make it. Blaire talked me into taking her to see Freaky Friday tonight. Seeing it with her gets rid of my 10$ debt. Now is not the time for everybody else that I owe money to to leave comments and remind me about my outstanding debt situations.

So.....something else new.....I almost finished the Water Temple today, and I started it this morning. I know that's not much of a news tidbit, but that's all I've got going today so far.

Oh, and I'm planning on dragging Pierre and Claudio downtown tomorrow to the Devonian Gardens. Apparently they've never been. I'll take 'em to Kensington, too.

Everything's Possible, Illegal, and Carcinogenic
Lisa: cool. I want some fireworks.
Kendall: they're cool
Kendall: and fun
Lisa: yup
Lisa: and expensive
Lisa: should make some...
Kendall: its possible
Lisa: everything's possible. And illegal
Kendall: everything causes cancer too
Lisa: oh yeah, that too. Possible, illegal, and carcinogenic
Kendall: hahahha too true

Oh man.

Moving?
If I'm feeling adventurous after university, I might move to Saskatoon and live in Jameson's posh hotel of a house.

Or, I'll actually move to Kelowna. It's something I've wanted to do for a few years.

Maybe Victoria. A gorgeous city.

Thanks for the emails, Chris/Lesley.

I should probably start on the whole "getting dressed" portion of the day.

Jenni's Song
Jenni killed her dad with her car
And now she's a millionare
She got beat on mostly for being at home
So mostly she wasn't there
And me I'm waiting to see
What goes around when she comes around
To kill me

Were you dead way before tonight?
Throw it back and stay awhile
I've seen red most of this little life
Throw it back and we'll die a while

We go out and we pass out in our clothes again
Giving it and losing it for the time of our lives
I'm giving it and losing it for the time of my life
You're giving it and losing it for the time of your life

Were you dead way before tonight?
Throw it back and stay awhile
I've seen red most of my little life
Throw it back, we'll die awhile

I know what it means 'you got me'
We're not sick we just need it for the weekends
On Mondays it's gone
I used to think I was invisible beside you'd crumble
You wait for it and you wait for it and it's gone
And you wake up and nobody knows
That I've loved you buried alive

Were you dead way before tonight?
Throw it back and stay awhile
I've seen red most of this little life
Throw it back and we'll die awhile
-Matthew Good Band

Breaking Apart
Well....I'm back...

I know I wasn't missed at all. Apparently everybody took advantage of the situation to spread [horrifically untrue] rumours regarding the state of my virginity. Yep, it's still there. The religious types can now celebrate.

I had really planned to start blogging yesterday, but my computer had other plans for me. Plans that included a full day's game session on Zelda. I love that game, I really do.

Hmmm....got some prank calls on Monday that I just stopped answering, and then Mark called. So we went to Tomb Raider last night and then hung out with Pierre/Claudio before they drove me home.

Jeff, you're right. I'm sorry. Pierre couldn't go to your party because he was in Montreal, dude. Actually last night we were trying to decide what he could get you for your birthday.

"Delete". That's been my way of dealing with people lately. I deleted their blogs, deleted them off of MSN. It took a strange series of dreams last night to make me realise that I couldn't delete them out of my memory.

I wonder if I made as large an impact in their lives as they did in mine.

Probably not.

I still have blogging things to do. Must try and wrangle something with Melissa's template, and I still have Trish's bitch of a layout to set up. ....Wasn't there something else? Oh yeah. Evan's comments.

Blog of the hiatus = Evan!

So I've finally decided on my tattoo. Pierre and Claudio have already agreed that they'll pay for it as a brirthday present. If you're an avid Matthew Good Band fan, or just happen to own the CD "Last of the Ghetto Astronauts"....go look at it. See the big, black, block letters MGB? Yeah. That size. Just above where my ribcage ends, on my lefthand side.

I wanted the whole damn logo, but then I realised that it's pretty fucking big.

I feel like there's so much I should be saying, so many things I had decided to talk about. Of course, me and my faulty memory...I don't remember any of it. Go figure, eh?

Tanis called me yesterday. It was good to hear her voice. Apparently there's some huge fireworks thing tonight that we're all going to go see. And Paul's having a band party this weekend. I'm looking forward to both, but the fireworks just a little bit more.

I shouldn't be feeling so absolutely jaded. I don't even know why I keep having nightmares. I shouldn't be feeling like the world is crushing me. I know it's not boy- or work- or school-related. I sorted all that shit out these past few days.

Baptism by fire, you could say. It forced me to re-examine alot of things...and all I found was what I already knew.

"...Did I weird you out when I did that?"
"Truthfully? Yes. I'm sorry, but I'm just not ready. And I probably won't be for a long time."

I just can't find the words anymore.

Hiatus
I'm taking one. I'll write this entry, and then I'm gone. No MSN, no blogging, no blog checking. I'll still check my email, so you can still get in touch with me that way. Don't expect to see/hear/read anything until at least Tuesday, if not longer.

Anyways. Excerpts from the Hate Book. And thank you, Claudio, for coming to get me last night.

This is the most honest, raw, and personal entry I've written in 6 months. Maybe you'll read it, and maybe you won't.

-----------------------------------------------------

I'm so tired of living in a convoluted little world where sex = love and the things that really matter--things like smiles and laughter and being good in your heart--don't really count for anything.

I'm so tired of putting myself on the line for all to see. I'm so tired of getting my heart trampled in the escaping dash of yet another boy I let get close to me. I'm sick of falling too fast into something I'm not really sure I can handle.

What's the point? Why do I do it? Over and over and over again this happens to me.

"I'm pretty good at telling when people are BSing me."

Well, I'm not. I let him lie to me, I let him paint over the ugly parts and hide the truth from me.

I don't know how to explain it except that it felt . . . right. I was happy. Everyone could tell I was one little ball of Happy Blonde.

But why does it keep happening?

I need to feel needed. I seek justification from boys because I'm too insecure about myself. For some reason I have this distorted notion that I don't have worth unless I am adored and admired by a boy.

If nothing else, he taught me that if it's too good to be true, then it probably is. And to trust my instincts and my Tao cards. Both of them are always right.

I got so close to doing something I'd regret. Never again will I let my heart overrule my head.

This doesn't mean that I'm giving up on relationships, though. I'll just be more careful.

"Make them earn your attention."

Stop blindly trusting people. Stop opening up so freely. Stop giving your body away like that.

Have some respect for yourself. You're worth more than this--you know you are. And you're stronger than anything they can throw at you. You've lived through worse and come out the stronger.

Was he worth the tears?

Maybe. I think I cried more for the person I thought he was, than for the person I actually lost.

He's weak. Weaker than me. Much more so. And I won't waste my time trying to "win" him back. The prize isn't even that great. The trust between us is gone.

So am I mad?

I was. I really, really was. Not anymore, though.

Now, I just feel sorry for him. I hope he can live with the knowledge that he took the cowards way out. Congratulations, you're a wuss. Good job, and good luck with the Psycho Bitch.

As for me?

I'm still the same person I was before all this. I'm just a little tougher, a little more cautios. And now, I have some more scars/memories.

I'm still me.

And that's all I ever had, anyways.

*crack*
My heart just broke.

I knew it.

Never again.

Oh, God....

Please just let me die.

The Blogging Phenomenon: Explained
I've been thinking a lot about blogs, and what makes them so popular. This topic has been on my mind for some time now, but the recent explosion of blogs in my social group almost demands a further exploration of the issue.

I've come to the conclusion that we live in a voyeuristic society. Really, this shouldn't surprise anybody. It's been happening ever since the 1950's when the world grew accustomed to sitting down in front of a plywood box and watching flickering images for hours on end.

Television, since its conception, has always been the primary source of entertainment and information in society. In the late 1990's, however, the television industry began experimenting with a new genre of entertainment: the so-called "reality TV" breed. Reality TV [RTV] gave the public the illusion that any one person can have 15 minutes of fame--sometimes longer, if you were the winner of the series.

But that's all it was--an illusion. If you won the show--but only the first one--you would undoubtably be remembered. Most North Americans will recall that it was Richard Hatch who won the first Survivor. Very few, if any, will be able to name Vecepia Towery as the winner of Suvivor 4. Does the name Brian Heidik ring a bell? He was the winner of Survivor 5--but perhaps he's better known for his porn star status.

The sane among us realise that the chances of getting on--let alone winning!--a RTV show are slim to none. Probably the easiest way to acheive instant stardom is a blog.

That brings me to the blogging phenomenon. Blogger alone has over 1 million users. Then there's Livejournal, Ujournal, Deadjournal, Moveable Type, Greymatter, Diary X, Diaryland, and scores more. Not to mention the people who have their plain old HTML journals, operated off of their own domains.

So what's the big draw? Why do people feel the need to put their private lives and thoughts on the Internet for all to read?

While it's true that there's no real control over who views your blog, the heart of the matter is that people just don't care. Having a blog, knowing that people read it, and getting feedback is a small taste of the celebrity life. An air of anonymity also surrounds the blog world--you can assume a persona, assume a false personality and life. There's no way to trace it back to you, unless you want to be found.

It's a proven fact that writing and journaling is a form of therapy. "Writing it out" is a technique used by renowned psychiatrists in order to get the patient to express their feelings. Most people find it difficult to explain their feelings verbally, but find it relatively easy to write it out.

Society, again, has a hand in the popularity of the electronic journal. Each day, people spend more and more time on the computer. People have a hard time finding the 15 to twenty minutes needed to journal in pen and ink. And electronic outlet is faster, more efficient, and can become more of an eye candy than anything else.

But why do people read other people's blogs? The answer is the same reason why RTV is so popular: We like to watch.

We are a society of "watchers", not "doers". There's a certain guilty pleasure in being able to read someone else's private thoughts and experiences. The other people that I've talked to regarding the pleasure of reading confess that it's addictive.

"It's like you really get to know them. You find out things about them that they wouldn't normally tell you, and you learn how they think."

Blogs express the inner dialogue of a person. People tend to write how they think--right down to diction and speech patterns. If you read long enough, it's easy to become addicted to a certain way of thought or speech. Blogs, and their subjects, cover a wide variety of genres. You have the military analysis blog, the humour blog, the political blog, the personal here's-what-I-did-today blog.

For better or worse, blogs are here to stay. As much trouble as they may cause, they have revolutionized the way people interact, share information, and think.

But can blogs go any further? Only time will tell.

Handle This
You said it once before, you don't do those things you used to anymore.
You say in doubt, we're fading out, forgetting who we used to be.

Cause I will bring you down,
I don't want to miss, I don't think you can handle this.
You've lost what you can't find; it's never what you had in mind.

You take it with a smile; it's so easy when you're always in denial
Just in time but out of line
I can't make all the same mistakes you want me to.

Cause I will bring you down,
I don't want to miss, I don't think you can handle this.
You've lost what you can't find; it's never what you had in mind.

Your giving up you know it's not what you need.
And it's true what you're going through.
Try so hard not listen to everything I never say.

Cause I will bring you down,
I don't want to miss, I don't think you can handle this.
You've lost what you can't find; it's never what you had in mind.
Cause I will bring you down,
I don't want to miss, I don't think you can handle this.
You've lost what you can't find; it's never what you had in mind.

I'm getting over getting used to,
And after all that I put you through now I see I'm not the only one.

I never thought it'd ever come to,
This in fact was never what you wanted from me or how you meant it to be.

I'm getting over getting used to,
And after all that I put you through now I see I'm not the only one.

I never thought it'd ever come to,
This in fact was never what you wanted from me or how you meant it to be.
-Sum 41

I Won!!!
Went to the mall with Graham yesterday so he could pick up some blue hair gel [I know....] and then went back to his house and just chilled for a couple hours.

Came home, wrote some emails, ate dinner with the folks, and talked to my dad about jobs. He's got an opening coming up in September for cable-pulling and general handygal for about a month. At about 9 or 10 bucks an hour. Every day. And the odd Saturday. Sure, it's nice, but I don't actually get any of the money. It all goes to the University Fund and whatnot.

James picked me up around 8:45 and we headed off with the full intention of going bowling at Silver Dollar. Well, we started playing Sex [as usual] and decided to take the "long" way over to the casino.

I'd like to point out a small, fun fact at this point. I WON!!!! I beat James at his own Sex game! Bwahahaha. Anyways. So we got lost and ended up downtown, where we went for a walk and talked.

We got accosted by homeless people. James gave money to one guy and he talked to us for twenty minutes. I'm dead serious. He stopped us in front of Subway. All I wanted was some fucking Subway!!! But noooo, he talked so long that Subway closed before we could get inside.

After we finally left the homeless guy, we went back to the car and drove home--really fast. While yelling along to The All-American Rejects. Good times.

Went to bed shortly thereafter. Had some weird-ass dreams again. Was awakened by my mother at 9 AM looking for the AC adaptor for the diskman so my brother could take it to work with him. Tried to sleep again, but the melodious tunes of the construction workers prevented any chance of sleep.

Blog of the Day: Fat Slut, aka Jordan Bischoff. Not much content yet, but I decided to plug him after finding him linked from rob/tiny. And yeah, the whole "Fat Slut" thing comes from band. As most of the jokes do.

Spoon.

Friday Five
1. How much time do you spend online each day? Pobably too much, but I'd say a couple hours.
2. What is your browser homepage set to? Google.ca
3. Do you use any instant messaging programs? If so, which one(s)? I used to be on ICQ, but now I use MSN.
4. Where was your first webpage located? Angelfire.com
5. How long have you had your current website? Since April 22, 2002.

Do You Resemble Your Birth Month?
JANUARY:
Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Showing anger easily. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Learns to show emotions.

MARCH:
Attractive personality. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest.

MAY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE:
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems.

AUGUST:
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER:
Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Trustworthy, loyal and honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER:
Loves to chat. Loves those who loves him. Loves to takes things at the center. Attractive and suave. Inner and physical beauty. Does not lie or pretend. Sympathetic. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Soft-spoken, loving and caring Romantic !!! Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER:
Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciates praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER:
Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

Burn
As frightening as the forest fires are, they're giving me an adrenaline rush. The air is thick with ash and the sun isn't even the usual white-hot of August.

It bleeds into the clouds; pink on ashen grey. And it smells like summer campgrounds, like the first fire of the long weekend.

So my sister got to meet Graham today. Imagine my surprise when she gave the thumbs-up for him. After I got home, of course. And my mom...well...my mom doesn't like anybody.

Granted, she's been a huge bitch lately. Today she started going through my closet and telling me which clothes I should throw out. I'm giving a piece of advice to the not-yet-graduated readers of the blog: enjoy your fucking fashion as long as you can.

Be you punk or prep or cutesy-Roxy [my sister has now moved into this phase]....wear your clothes as often as you can. ENJOY that you can wear those clothes and nobody gives two shits. Apparently, as soon as you hit the August after graduation, you have to give your old style up and conform to the suit/tie uniform of the adult world.

Kiss my ass, middle class policies.

Anyways. The sleepover last night was a rip-roaring success. We did the trip to Tim Hortons at 5:30 in the morning, which was enjoyed by all. I ended up having another nap later on today....and passing out on Pierre's couch...but it was still oodles of fun. Thanks for letting me drive, Pierre!

I'm in a good mood now. Strangely enough.

"Suck my dog!"

Survey Says: Part II
1. What time is it? 12:29
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate? *removed*
3. Nickname(s)? Ferngully [the family one], S, Blonde, Kendi, "you!"
4. Number of candles on your last birthday cake? 7...but I'm actually 17. We ran out of candles.
5. Pet(s)? Lucy and Maddie, the mismatched psycho dogs.
6. Hair color? Dirty blonde and pinkish-purple
7. Piercings? Two cartilage, one in each lobe.
8. Eye color? bluish-greenish.
9. How much do you love your job? Tons. I heart Zellers. *dies*
10. Favorite color? Blue!
11. Residence? Calgary/Evergreen
12. Favorite Food(S)? Seafood. Sushi. Rawr.
13. Been to Africa? Not yet.
14. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? Yup. A little painful, actually.
15. Been in a car accident? *runs away and hides*
16. Croutons or Bacon bits? *drool* I'm with MJ on this one....I CHOOSE BOTH
17. Favorite day of the week? I like Saturdays.
18. Favorite word or phrase? I use "Clearly" alot. I'm fond of "SPOOOOOOOON", myself.
19. Favorite flower? Lily/lilac.
20. Favorite restaurant? Moxies!
21. Favorite Drinks? Iced Tea. And Smirnoff. Maybe not.
22. Favorite sports to watch? Hockey
23. Favorite ice cream? Anything Chocolate.
24.Favorite Fast Food Restaurant? Subway! And Edo...
25. What is the color of your bedroom carpet? greenish-brownish-no-colorish.
26. Any tattoos? Soon....*plots for day of the 18th birthday*
27. Before this one, whom did you get your last e-mail from? Strive.To Word Of The Day, and my Calvin/Hobbes comic.
28. Do you sing in the shower? When the mood strikes me!
29. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? West 49. No, Bluenotes. NO! MUSICWORLD OR A&B SOUND!!!!!
30. What do you do most when you are bored? Go online.
31. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Everybody, I'm blogging this baby.
32. Who will respond to this E-mail the quickest? Whoever reads it and is bored.
33. Favorite TV show? CSI. Law & Order.
34. Last person you went out to dinner with? G, I guess.
36. Ford or Chevy? Whatever gets me from point A to B.
37. Time you finished this email? 12:47

Down To This
Another late night post, you say?

I've given up on sleeping. I tried, really, I did.

Ohhh, lordy. Looks like I woke up the entire house. Claudio and Lesley are upstairs now. We're planning on a Tim Hortons run in about an hour. Like I said, you've never lived until you've gone to Tim Hortons at 5 in the morning.

Claudio wants me to mention that he wanted to kill me when I threw the pillow at his head and woke him up. But Pierre's up, too. So we're all being...awake...together...yeah, shutting up.

The only problem with being awake at 4 in the morning is that there's nobody online and nobody has updated their blogs.

Yes, I'm still missing Graham with an almost physical ache. Or that could just be my hunger. Lyric time. Let's see...it's like he's the ray of sunshine, right? Which is why this song reminds me so much of you. Or, it could be that it's 4:20 [haha!] in the morning and I'm totally bagged. Whatever works.

Away From The Sun
It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone do what I've done
I missed life
I missed the colours of the world
Can anyone go where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here?
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I've known

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
-3 Doors Down

Late-Night Blogfest
At Pierre's tonight, for some reason that is still unknown to me.

...

Oh, ok, I lied. It's been my goal for the better part of high school to spend the night at a guy's house and have a co-ed sleepover.

I can see the eyebrows going up right now. Let me explain.

Me, Claudio, Pierre, and Lesley are having a bit of a sleepover. It's fun, I'll admit.

Claudio went to go play some quality Halo. And I've got the "I Need You" mix playing somewhere in the house. "I never met a drink that I didn't like; got a taste of you, threw up all night."

Story of my relationships.

I'm head over heels for him. Completely and utterly helpless. Falling asleep on his chest only made it clearer to me. I don't want to lose him.

It just feels....right. Like nothing can fall apart.

I think part of the reason I'm getting so mad about it is that I haven't cared about anyone like this in almost 2 years. And it scares me, that I'm letting myself get so...involved in so short a time frame. I need to spend time with him again. I won't sleep tonight, I can tell you that much.

Am having a hilarious MSN chat session with Rob, Jason, Paul, and Shawn. Oh, Lordy. I love the bandies.

I lost the ability to burn most of my candles tonight, after my marathon Tao session.

Must...find...ice...cream....must....stay......awake.....

The Pitfalls
The only problem with being a fucking bleeding heart like myself is that I can get altogether insane at times.

Capricorns are supposed to be levelheaded. But fiercely protective. Doesn't sound like me, eh? Oh, a little bit, sure...

Still waiting for Pierre/Claudio/Lesley to come and pick me up.

I don't know if I'll be able to eat for a while. My stomach keeps churning. And I didn't keep dinner down, either.

Don't freak, Kendall. Stay true to yourself.

Those Tao cards are looking pretty fucking tempting right about now.

"I'm trying my hardest."

"I know you are...I can't ask any more than that."

Maybe I'm being a tid bit psycho myself. But I have to be, don't I?

Right?

You Always Come Close
I've still got the pressure.

My mom came home 15 minutes ago and remarked that I looked "a little off". I looked in the mirror as I came out of my room, and even I can see that I look pissed beyond belief.

It's in the eyes, mostly. These boring blues of mine don't leave much to the imagination, do they? No, it's all there. Even when I told him that I'm fine, really, nothing's wrong, and smiled--I guess the smile didn't quite reach my eyes.

Did I want it to? I'm feeling pretty fucking shitty right now, to tell you the truth. Gossip-mongers and loyal [c]S fans, you've got one hell of an entry coming up in the next few days.

Those of you who know me well, the whole "duck-and-cover" thing might be a good idea for awhile. You know how I get when I'm in a pissy mood.

Fuck. I'm so mad. Who does she think she is?! You do not fuck with me like this. You want to fucking go, you come to me. Don't put him through this shit.

And do not make me take this any further. This is your warning, Kelsey.

Your move.

Get It On
I'm writing because I feel like clawing my eyes out from sheer boredom.

What would that be like, anyway? Probably painful, my guess.

There is no blog of the day; they're all shit today for some reason. Except for this guy, who has also become fond of my little blog lately. And he has me on MSN. Wave hello to Nigel.

I wonder what ever happened to Sugarcult. They're a really good band, but for some reason I haven't heard anything from them in a while. They released Start Static in 200...1? 2? and then just disappeared.

Now as for The Used. Claudio knows what I want to do to Quinn. Hot. Very, very, very hot.

I'm still on edge and feeling caged from earlier today. The whole "caged" thing might have something to do with the fact that I haven't left the house all day. Hence the boredom.

Evanescence--a good band, but if I hear "Bring Me To Life" one more time I might scream. I don't know what it is about "My Immortal", it just helps. It's so pretty. You almost forget it's not just the chick in the band, that there's three guys behind her too. I wonder who's playing the piano on this track though. For the longest time, I thought that this would be the final song on the album--it just has that "last song" feel to it. Turns out its track 3 or 4. If you've listened to this song, you might agree that it belongs on the tail end of a "rock" album, not right in the very beginning.

"I've been alone all along".

And I remember my theory, about it all ending in fire and hate. That part of me, that part that remembers, watches silently.

Some things, you never forget.

Unsettled
Somehow, it doesn't matter how good I feel, there's always something to kill me deep down inside.

"I'm too happy for it to bother me."

I'm happy too, but I'm still...well...*points to title*

He'll talk about her and I'll get a distinct pressing feeling in my chest. Like I'm short of breath or I'm drowning. Suffocating in the shadow of a girl I've never even met, never even talked to in my life.

He says I've got nothing to worry about, nothing at all. And yet....sigh.....I don't know.

Sometimes when I kiss him, it feels like someone's standing over my shoulder, watching me. Like instead of the two of us, there's someone else there. It doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes it's just a flash of intuition.

I hate those. Fucking intuition. Telling me things I'd rather not know. Like the fact that my parents are still awake even though it's 1 in the morning and I'm an hour late.

Or that something's wrong with her [not the girl previously mentioned]. I shouldn't be thinking about her, but I keep getting the feeling that she's unhappy. Something's wrong, and I don't know what it.

Pressure. On the ribcage. Drowning in myself and my own thoughts.

I need more sleep.

Prescription drugs?

Don't fall back into old habits, Kendall. That's the worst thing you could do right now.

For Sale
Buy me!

"You are worth exactly: $2,058,382.00."

HumanForSale.com

Karma
Bonjourrrrrrrrr. [band joke!]

Picked up Pierre from the airport, came back to his house....broke INTO his house....long story....ate ice cream....flexed my HTML goddess muscles and fixed up Pierre/Claudio's blogs.

I really, really, really want to see Graham right now.

Pierre's picking up Lesley in a bit, so....yeah....and stuff. Dunno.

I forgot how much I love Pierre and Claudio. Just laughing in the car on the way back here was one of the best times I've had with my friends this summer. Oh, God, the jokes weren't even that funny....but I launched myself at him when I saw him and nearly knocked him over in my absolute joy that he was home. *hug*

By popular request, today's Blog-Of-The-Day is Independant Feeling Sharing Circle, better known as Shawn's blog. There, ya happy?!

If You Don't, Don't
What's wrong baby, don't they treat you like they should?
Did you take 'em for it?
For every penny that you could?
We once walked out on the beach and once I almost touched your hand.
Oh how I dreamed to finally say such things then only to pretend.

Don't you know I'm thinkin', drivin' 405 past midnight.
You know I miss you.
Don't you know that I miss you?
Ninth and Ash on a Tuesday night.
I would write to you from a museum mile, a toast to you:
Your whisper, your smile.
Up the stairs at the Weatherford, a ghost each place I hide.

If you don't don't know, why would you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know, why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight.
If you don't know, honey, why'd you just say so?
Cuz I need this now more than I ever did.
If you don't well, honey, then you don't.

I left you waiting, (I know I left you waiting) at the least could we be friends?
Should have never started, ain't that the way it always ends?
On my life I'll try today, there's so much I've felt I should say, but.
Even if your heart would listen, doubt I could explain.

If you don't don't know, why'd you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know, why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight.
If you don't know, honey, why'd you just say so?
Cause I need this now more than I ever did did.
If you don't well, honey, then you don't.
If you don't well, honey, then you don't.

So here we are now, a sip of wine a sip of water.
Someday maybe, maybe someday we'll be smarter.
And I'm sorry that I'm such a mess,
I drank all my money could get and,
I took everything you let me have and then I never loved you back.

If you don't don't know, why would you say so?
Would you mean the please if it happens?
If you don't know, why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight?
If you don't know, honey, why'd you just say so?
Cause I need this now yeah need this, need this.
If you don't well, honey, then you don't
And if you don't well, honey, then you don't
If you don't know, honey, honey, then you don't.
-Jimmy Eat World

Can't Sleep
Going to the airport again today. Picking up Pierre, this time.

My surge of hits last night came from an unexpected source.

I'm so, so, sorry. I don't even know you, but from what I've heard, I wish I could. And I didn't mean for you to get hurt--if you knew me at all, I think you might understand this a little better.

Lord knows I wish I could.

So....it's Monday. Well lah-dee-fucking-dah. Fuck. I'm stressed now. And cranky.

I need to get off the computer and breathe.

Linkage
Blog of the day: I rant and I rave.

A random blog from Blogger, this girl happened to catch my eye with her wit and sarcasm, both of which are much more hilarious than this blog. Hopefully I just don't lose all of my audience to her blog, now.

Graham, the CD's bitchin. *hugs the "I Need You" Mix* God, this CD's the shit. Yeah!

Void Total
My life just gets weirder and weirder.

I was taking my lunch break, jabbering away to Claudio on my cell phone, and mentioned something about Graham. I hang up, finish my Wendys....and my cell phone rings. Guess who?

I got visitors at work. Yayness.

So....6,000 hits coming up? Whoo-hoo! I'm thinking about dot-com-ing this baby when I get my credit card in January. Any suggestions for domain names?

Stopped by Jeff's 18th last night, finally. Gave him his $20, said hi, and left.

I think I'm getting used to dating again. It's nice, knowing that I've got someone who wants to actually spend time with me. Doesn't expect anything in return except me just being there. It's intoxicating, it really is. And it's like....yeah. I don't know how to explain it.

"I think I'm falling..."

The sky seems a little more blue lately, the sun a little warmer. I know what they mean when they say "rose-colored glasses" now. The little things that would normally piss me off beyond belief don't even scratch the surface. So I'm supposed to be upset? Nah. It's like, yeah, I'm raging....and then he just grabs my hand and smiles and everything just melts away like July snow and ok, I can handle this.

And there I go again, sounding like a supreme loser. Oh dear me. I wish I knew what they were all thinking about this right now.

I'm getting a new CD today. It's the playlist I posted yesterday. Probably one of my best mixes, actually. *hugs winamp*

I miss the bandies.

Fast Nonsensical Blog
So it's like...ok...

And if I put my hand there, then...

But what if I...?

Did I ever tell you that I have a fear of falling?

Well maybe I'm just being sarcastic .... and maybe I'm just being stupid?

Watch your step before you crash...

...is this making sense to you too?

I've always been quick on the draw...

That's just the way it goes, then.

The "I Need You" Mix
1. Trapt - Made of Glass
2. 3 Doors Down - Away From The Sun
3. Incubus - Stellar
4. Something Corporate - Hurricane
5. Michelle Branch - Tuesday Morning
6. The Used - Noise And Kisses
7. Taking Back Sunday - Cute Without The "E" (Cut From The Team)
8. Good Charlotte - Say Anything
9. Matthew Good Band - Strange Days
10. Matchbook Romance - The Greatest Fall (Of All Time)
11. Less Than Jake - Look What Happened (Last Time)
12. Jimmy Eat World - If You Don't, Don't
13. Good Charlotte - Seasons
14. Alkaline Trio - Crawl
15. The Ataris - Takeoffs And Landings
16. AFI - The Leaving Song
17. Something Corporate - Globes And Maps
18. 3 Doors Down - Here Without You

Hint hint....

It's Like Being 10 Again!
Yesterday evening was actually pretty fun. Lisa picked me up and we went to Southcenter so she could buy some khakis for her new job at Sport Check. I ended up telling off the lady in the GAP, because she's such a fucking moron it was making my head hurt.

She kepy trying to squeeze Lisa into these $70, size 4 pants. Lisa is a size 6. Not a small size 6, either. She fits the size 6 pants perfectly. So finally, I was just like "She's not a size 4, though, she's a size 6."

The woman just turns to me, and with the creepiest tone of voice, says "Everything stretches in this store." Her eyes were all vacant like she was possessed or something. Creepy creepy creepy.

After all that, we kidnapped Carolyn and took her to Dairy Queen. God, it was like being 10 again. Just the three of us. We all ended up going to different high schools, and I rarely see Carolyn, but when we get together it's like nothing has changed.

Graham called while we were at Dairy Queen, so he came by and hung out for a bit. Turns out he kind of knows Carolyn, from the hallways and stuff.

So after talking for a while, I went to Future Shop with Graham so he could pick up some CDs, and then he drove me home. I ended up going to his house later though. Watched "A Guy Thing" and hung out for a bit. Went for a drive, then got home around 12:30.

My Stampede music just came in the mail. I'm still a little unclear about how I'm supposed to learn the music without an instrument. I knew I should have held onto that trombone a little longer.

On a Stampede-related note, band camp is in Vulcan this year. Hurrah! And this time, I'll make sure I'm not saran-wrapped to a table or Bingo-dobbed. Andrea will no doubt remember that incident.

Pat, I love the new blog title.

Lame? No, you're not lame. It's one of the best things about you.

Made Of Glass
I don't know anything at all and I'm somebody else
It could take years to find you, it could years to find myself
And I don't need to hear your answer I just need you to see
That I think it's time to break down these walls that we throw

Am I still breathing have I lost that feeling
Am I made of glass 'cause you see right through me
I don't know who I am and you're the only one who sees that
I can't ask these questions that cannot be answered today
And even if everything goes wrong and we start to fall apart
I will understand where you are, I will understand this by myself
And I don't need to hear your answer I just need you to feel
Like there are no boundaries at all

And how far have we come, too far to throw away the past
Will you be there waiting for me
I have to ask what we are, if I ask today it just won't last
So I'll be here waiting for you

Will we ever feel this good again - Not today

Will we ever feel this real
again - Not today

Will you ever be mine again - Not today

Will we ever feel this real again - Not today
-Trapt

Friday Five
1. What's the last place you traveled to, outside your own home province? Eastern Canada!

2. What's the most bizarre/unusual thing that's ever happened to you while traveling? Oh man...being hit on by hobos was a nice one...

3. If you could take off to anywhere, money and time being no object, where would you go? Europe. I'm gone.

4. Do you prefer traveling by plane, train or car? I like the train. Planes give me the willies. And earaches.

5. What's the next place on your list to visit? Los Angeles next summer, apparently.

Survey Says
0. What time is it? 1:47
1. Name? Kendall the Great
2. Birthday? January 5th, 1986
3. Age? 17
4. Sex? Female
5. Where do you live? Evergreen, aka The Boonies
6. What school do you attend? none, at the moment
7. Siblings? 1 sister [15], 1 brother [11]
8. Zodiac Sign? Capricorn, baby!
9. Righty or Lefty? Righty

*********YOUR LOOKS*********
10. Hair color? Blonde...and pinkish-purple
11. Eye color? Blueish-greenish
12. Height? 5'3
13. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Both, depending on my mood
14. Do you have any piercing? ears, 2 cartilage.
15. Do you wear any rings? nah
16. Do you have a certain fashion you follow? My fashion.

**********JUST LATELY***************
17. How are you today? Great, and yourself?
18. What pants are you wearing right now? Fuzzy sweatpants. Mmmmm.....
19. What shirt are you wearing right now? Black tank top.
20. What does your hair look like at the moment? ponytail
21. What song are you listening to right now? The Used - Buried Myself Alive
22. How is the weather right now? Sunny, little bit of clouds, but nice.
23. Last person you talked to on the phone? Graham.
24. Who are you talking to right now? On the phone? Nobody. Alison's on MSN though.
25. What time is it? 1:51. I'm flying through this.

**********MORE ABOUT YOU!**************
26. What are the last four digits of your phone number? Home: 0799. Cell: 9784
27. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Blue!
28. Have you ever almost died? Yeah
29. Do you like the person that sent you this? Trish is a sexy beast. So are Jason and Andrea.
30. What's the next CD you are going to buy? I'm thinking Three Days Grace, or some quality Incubus.
31. Whats the best advice you were given? "If it feels good, do it."
32. Have you ever won any special awards? Band Student of the Year, bee-yatches. And the BoTB....and more band.....yeah, a bunch of music stuff. And Social 20.
33. Worst sickness you ever had? I had a SARS relapse around March...
34. What's the stupidest thing you have ever done? Probably "streaking" down that street in October.
35. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? I'd be a little taller.
36. Where do you shop the most? HMV/Musicworld.
37. How many kids do you want to have? 0, at this point.
38. Son's name? Mikhail
39. Daughter's name? Lily
40. Will you have pets? How many? Yes!!! Lots!!!
41. What are you most scared of? Car accidents, being raped. And moths.
42. How many TV's do you have in your house? ...7...
43. Do you have your own tv? It's covered in Powerpuff Girl stickers!
44. Do you have your own phone line? Cell phone
45. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Nope. Chadwick started giggling once, and that was the end of that.
46. Have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? nope.
47. Who do you dream about? People.
48. Who do you tell your dreams to? ...sometimes I write them on my journal, sometimes in my Hate Book. Sometimes I don't tell anybody.
49. Who's the loudest friend you have? Dave a freaking MONSTER. Or...yeah, I don't know. They're all loud.
50. Who's the quietest friend? Alison can be really quiet.
51. Is cheerleading a sport? Hells no.
52. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? 267.
53. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Egg.
54. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? hee hee.
55. Do you have a crush? noooooo....
56. Who is your crush? certainly NOT my boyfriend.
57. Did you send this to your friends? Nah, I blogged it instead.
58. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Europe
59. What do you like most on someone of the opposite sex? eyebrow rings. If I was in a sarcastic mood, I'd say whipped cream. Yeesh, what a poorly worded question.
60. Do you find yourself attractive? I'm a sexy bitch, what can I say.
61. Do you find yourself ugly? Yeah, on occasion.
62. Do others find you attractive? I've been told so.

********ON GUYS FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT (for girls only) [really? I couldn't tell!]************
63. Sandals or shoes? Shoes
64. Curly or straight hair? Doesn't matter.
65. Short or tall? Tall
66. Six pack or muscular arms? I'm lucky, I'm getting both!
67. Dark, light, or crazy cool eyes? Light/crazy.
68. Good or bad guys? Fun.
69. Hat or no hat? Doesn't matter.
70. Tan or no tan? Tan, but not fake-n-bake.
71. Dimples or not? ...doesn't matter....
72. Spiked Hair or No Spiked? Blue spiked!
73. Hair Done or Not Done? Doesn't matter.
74. Stubble or neatly shaven? Stubble's ok.
75. What sport should he play? Eh, I'm not picky.
76. Glasses? Only if he needs them
77. Freckles or none? Sure, why not.
78. Shy or outgoing? Fun.
79. Funny or always cool? Funny.
80. Talkative or shy? Isn't this like #78?
81. What kind of body does he have to have? Strong... but not a huge body.

***********THIS OR THAT**********
105. Lights on/off? Dimmed.
106. Sun or rain? Thunderstorm!
107. Mickey D's(McDonalds) or BK(Burger King)? BK
108. Do you like scary or happy movies better? Scary.
109. Backstreet Boys or NSYNC? Which should die first? This is the hardest question on the survey!
110. On the phone or in person? Person.
111. Paper or plastic? Plastic
112. Cake or pie? mmm....caaaaaake......
113. Summer or winter? Summer!!!!
114. Hugs or kisses? Cuddling. "Better than sex!"
115. Chocolate or white milk? Strangely enough....white milk.
116. Root Beer or Dr. pepper? Dr. Pepper.
117. Glass half full or half empty? Half-empty. You can still put more in it that way!
118. Tape or DVD? DVD
119. Cats or Dogs Dogs!!!!
120. Vanilla or Chocolate? Chocolate. A thousand times over, chocolate
121. Diamond or pearl? Diamond
122. Sunset or sunrise? Sunset.
123. Wind or Snow? Wind.

****************YOUR FAVS****************
124. Color? Blue!
127. Candy? Jelly Belly Jelly Beans.
128. Beverages? Iced Tea
129. Ice Cream Flavor? Any. And all.
130. Sport? Band!
131. Animal? Dogs
132. Number? 14, 8, or 7.
133. Radio Station? I hate the radio. Grrrr.
134. Band or singer? *points to sidebar section thats says BANDS*
135. Fav. Actor or Actress? Josh Hartnett, Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, Julia Stiles.
136. Fav. day of the year? Christmas. I love Christmas shopping.
137. Fav. month? July.
138. Store? Bluenotes...Musicworld/HMV....yeah thats about it.
139. Scent? Lilac
140. Teacher? My English teacher was amazing.
141. Board Game? Monopoly. Or the game of LIFE.
142. Saying? "amazing" "dude!" "uber"...I've got a bunch.
143. Favourite TV Show? anything on MuchMusic. I haven't watched TV in a while...oh, Law & Order and CSI.
144. Person you hate most? *holds tongue* Well...it's a tie at this point in time....
145. Person you love most? My dogs, actually. And Lisa. *hug*
146. Favourite movie? Silence of the Lambs, Red Dragon, Lilo & Stitch, Lady & the Tramp.
147. Favourite place to go? Fish Creek. I'm 17 years old and it's still my favourite place in the world.

**************HAVE YOU EVER**************
148. Ever gotten dumped? Haha yeah.
149. Broke the law? Uh-huh.
150. Ran from the cops? Dartwars...
151. Stole something? Several somethings. *points to sign collection*
152. Tried to kill yourself? Yeah
153. Made yourself throw up? Not "made"....
154. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? Basically...
155. Made a boy/girl cry on purpose? Yeah.
156. Kissed your best friend? None of my girl friends.
157. Told someone you love them but don't? I wouldn't dare. It hurts too much.
158. Told a lie to someone you talk to on the net? Oh who hasn't!?
159. Liked a guy/girl from the net and haven't met? No, that's stupid.
160. Have you ever made people give you money? "I'm poor pay for me."
161. Told a ex-boyfriend/girlfriend you want them back but don't? That's stupid. No, really, it is.
162. Have you ever started trouble just because you want to be cool? Oh HELLS no. Anyone who says otherwise gets a kick in the ass, fuckers.
163. Have you ever been in love but don't want to face it? Yeah.
164. Have you ever got beaten up? Hahaha not seriously, just by Jason/Shawn.
165. Have you ever took back your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend after they cheated on you? No, and I wouldn't.
166. Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend? No, but I'd love to see other people answer this question.

**********ON A FINAL NOTE***********
167. Who would you like to see if you could right now? Graham.
168. Do you like filling these out? Hee hee! It passes the time.
169. Do you want your friends to write back? I wanna see this on the blogs, blogwhores!
170. Who is least likely to respond? Lots of people. This sucker's long.
171. What time is it? 2:22 PM.
172. Who would you take back if you could? Nobody. Past is past is past.
173. Would you want to change the past in relationships? ...where the fuck did these questions come from? Nah, everything happens for a reason. It was meant to be that way.
174. How many people will write back? I'm saying 0-5.
175. Why did you fill this out? Three reasons. #1 I'm bored. #2 I wanted to make an entry. #3, to get people to stop emailing me this damn survey!

You Owe Me, French...
At 9 this morning, my cell phone rings. I've always liked my cell phone ring, until it wakes me up.

It's Claudio. "I'm gonna pick you up in an hour, ok?"

"....wha?"

"...To drive Pierre to the airport....."

". . . . . riiiiight...."

I'm dressed in sweatpants and a tank top. Close enough to pyjamas.

Spent yesterday with Graham, as is becoming a continuing habit. Went downtown, and to Shawnessy, and to Fish Creek, and to Moxies, and...that's about it. I got that Used CD/DVD set I wanted, along with Trapt. *prrrrr* I'll be updating the CDcount soon.

So....something new....

I think I almost explained it to him yesterday, about how eventually he'll need to forgive me, even if he doesn't think it right now.

Something I did must have spooked him, because he kept asking if I was ok...but how do you explain it? I'm more than ok. It's just that...well, it's been so long since I even thought about letting someone get that close to me. I've learned that letting people inside like that causes pain. Now, minions, don't go bitching at me about the past months. Anyways.

I'm scared, but in a good way. I guess it's time I let myself be vulnerable. For some crazy reason, I think this is a good thing. I think that maybe, this time, I'm doing something right. But God, am I scared to let him in. There's nothing I hate more than being defenseless and open. Because yes, I know, people are more likely than not to screw me over.

"We're sexy bitches!"

The bandies are having blog issues. Trish, it's most likely an FTP problem. Blogger is schitzo like that. Give it a day or so, and it should be better. Shawn, again, FTP issues. Don't freak.

I couldn't sleep again last night.

Something Crazy
Checked up on a few blogs today.

It's easy to forget that the world still turns sadness while I'm so, so happy.

I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for those starving artists. God, they're everything I wish I could be, and to read about them like that....breaks my heart. But I won't say anything because I don't know what to say. I haven't the faintest idea of what weak words could possibly make them hurt less.

If I knew how to take pain away from my friends, to bring it into me so they wouldn't suffer, I would.

...I feel almost....guity....for being so happy.

Dating. Boyfriend. Couple. Girlfriend.

Those words are almost...alien to me. They fill my mouth and the texture is...weird. Strange. Been so long since I've dared to use them, since they've applied to me.

Is it too good to be true? It must be. There's no way I lucked out like this.

I'm very skeptical, in case you didn't know. I've learned never to take things [or people] at face value, because they end up screwing you over in the end.

Maybe it's time I stopped being so analytical and just....went with it. Instead of over-thinking and analysing and questioning everything people say and do. I'd probably be happier and more comfortable with people if I stopped looking for hidden motives. Maybe it's time I just let it all go.

Or, I could just spend today with him and live in the moment instead. Just be happy that I've found someone who makes me smile, finally.

Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

Being An HTML Goddess Is Hard Work
I will never be replaced as the supremo HTML Goddess. Never ever ever ever ever ever.

Spent the past 2 days doing Shawn's blog. Me, being the overly nice, eager-to-please gal that I am, agreed to make him a full-blown, customized, pimped-out blog.

But, yeah, it's done. Woot woot. And hurrah. And so forth.

Spent another few hours with Graham today. Damn, that boy drives me crazy sometimes. Not that I mind. Eyebrow ring? Prrrrrr. As Candy puts it, "*rape*"

"You can't rape the more-than-willing--I mean....."

Hooooo boy.

No James, my mom doesn't hate you. She's only met you like three times anyways.

Shawn...Squirrel? I thought we agreed never to talk about that again.

No plans for the evening. Call me if you're as bored as I am.

"How do you do it? / Make me feel like I do"

I've got his smell on my skin. Oh Lord, I'm pathetic.

Shit, I got a sunburn on my shoulder, methinks. Oh well. My sister just came back from the States--she looks Native, she's so dark. I don't understand it--she shouldn't be able to get that dark!

Stellar
Meet me in outerspace
We could spend the night, watch the earth come up
I've grown tired of that place, wont you come with me
We could start again
How do you do it, make me feel like I do
How do you do it, its better than I ever knew
Meet me in outerspace
I will hold you close, If your afraid of heights
I need you to see this place, It might be the only way
That I can show you how, it feels to be inside of you
How do you it, make me feel like I do
How do you do it, its better than I ever knew
How do you do it, make me feel like I do
Do oh oh oh oh oh
You are stellar
You are stellar
How do you it, make me feel like I do
How do you do it, its better than I ever knew
How do you do it, make me feel like I do
How do you do it, make me feel like I do, Yeah.
-Incubus

We Go On
In the stillness of the night
There comes a time to understand
To reach out, and touch tomorrow
Take the future in our hands

We can see a new horizon
Built on all that we have done
And our dreams begin another
Thousand circles round the sun

We go on
To the joy and through the tears
We go on
To discover new frontiers
Moving on
With the current of the years

We go on
Moving forward now as one
Moving on
With a spirit born to run
Going on
With each rising sun, to a new day
We go on

We go on

(yes, this entry was for the bandies)
-Disney Millenium Celebration

Better Than Sex...Or Chocolate
You don't know how lucky you are until a friend at work tells you how most girls at the party wanted to rape him.

And you don't know how much it means until you actually hear the words.

There's nothing else I want more than to just be back in the car, talking.

This...everything I'm doing...it was useless. It was pointless. Nothing else compares.

[repetition from previous weeks?]

Let's just say I got what I wanted. And I'm totally content.

I want your camera, I'm bored and need to take pictures of things.

Anyways....

It's thunderstorming right now. *glee* I'm so happy its finally raining.

I think I was trying to write some really, really good entry, but failed miserably. *shrug*

News
New pic up. Yes, that's Graham. And my purple hair.

The hair in question got me some curious looks at work today.

I was also 45 minutes late for my shift. See, I always start work at 5. Never at 4:15. I went upstairs to clock in, and ran into Steph.

"...you were supposed to be here at 4:15..."

Ohhhhh, dear holy God. Luckily, nobody noticed that I was insanely late. Go me and my chameleon-like abilities.

Nothing's new. I don't know why I'm posting.

So I Need You
If you could step
Into my head, tell
Me would you still know me
If you woke up in my bed,
Tell me then would you hold me
Or would you simply let it lie,
Leaving me to wonder why
I can’t get you out of this head
I call mine
And I will say
Oh no I can’t let you go,
My little girl
Because you’re holding up my world,
So I need you
Your imitation of my walk
And the perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million things
That I love about you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
And if I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge,
Tell me would you still follow me
And if I made you mad today,
Tell me would you love me tomorrow?
Please
Or would you say that you don’t care,
And then leave me standing here
Like the fool who is drowning in dispair
And screamin’
Oh no I can’t let you go,
My little girl
Because you’re holding up my world,
So I need you
Your imitation of my walk
And the perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million
Things that I love about you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
I’m on my own
I’m on my own
I’m on my own
Oh no I can’t let you go,
My little girl
Because you’re holding up my world,
So I need you
Your imitation of my walk
And the perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million things
That I love about you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
-3 Doors Down

Hurrah!
Last night was amazing.

Stopped by Wynten's 18th birthday party around 8:30. It was.....nice, seeing everybody again. Like Jeff and Josh and Dave and Laz and Chris and Mark and god knows who else. God, I missed those guys.

Left with Graham around 10:30, because it was degenerating into the drunken Rap-Dance-fest. We ended up in Fish Creek again, where we found yet another black, small, furry thing. I think it was a porcupine. Maybe.

After we got cold, we went back up to the car and talked until.....well, 1:45, basically.

I got home around 2. That's the latest I've ever been out....and with a guy my parents don't even know, to boot.

Finally told my mom about the reason I've been so depressed lately. I don't think she really understood most of what I was telling her, partly because it happened so long ago, and partly because she doesn't like seeing me that full of burning revenge. Also party because I didn't tell her I was dating the guy in the first place.

"If it had been longer than a month, I would have told you."
*evil Mom stare*
"...or, I could just tell you right away, next time."
"That's more like it."

Woke up today at 12:30. Go sleeping in.

Now....working at 5...no idea what I'm doing until then. Probably walking my dogs.

Well, That Went Well...
So last night was the infamous Rock-Star Band Party.

Of course, I was the only one who dressed up. Trish has her blog all prettified now, thanks to me.

I left around 10 to go meet Graham and hang out for a bit.

Ok, does anybody know what kind of animal is small, black, furry, smaller than a beaver but not a cat, and likes to lurk on the pathways at 11:30 at night in Fish Creek? Cuz I'd really like to know.

Making dinner as I write this. Man, I have weird tastes....

Anyways. Good times last night, both during and after the Band Party. "My spoon is broken...."

Worked today. Shitty, as always. I hate that job. Talked to Jeremy (H[ot]S[tock]B[oy]) about my magenta hair for a bit on my break. "Why'd you dye it?" "Why not?"

Saw Ryan and Melissa as they came in to visit. Hurrah!

Sitting on my ass....fuck, what to do tonight? *growls*

Ohhhhh, I enjoy myself way to much.

*ka-phloomp*

House Of Smoke & Mirrors
There's the house
There's the doorway
Been locked out
The lights are out anyway
And loosely reconditioned
To be just so refined
A last grasp at the life worth living
In these standard shoes and what's left of my lines
You can see right through me

Hey
I've been thinking
Why don't we get out of here tonight?
Get in the car and just start driving
Fuck them if they can't take a joke
Right?

I've fallen asleep again
And when I wake up you won't be here
Don't you think I don't know why?
I've been asleep for years

You can see right through me
-Matthew Good

Another, more detailed entry will follow around 7 PM.

*growl*
Jameson, I am hurt and appalled that you "loathe" Zellers.

I'm sorry the idiots at...whatever store you were at...were such idiots.

In other news, I look pretty fucking rocked-out.

My mom is a little nervous. And my dogs won't come near me.

Must be the hair. *shrug*

Party party party party party....

Curses...
Shoot. My Stampede section leader just called and invited me to a night of heavy drinking with the Euphonium and Trumpet sections.

Unfortunately, I'm already going to Pat's "rock star" birthday party. You have to dress like a rock star.

And damn, my hair gives me the advantage. Ha ha.

Two band parties in one night?! Weird...

Anyways. Worked today. Was bored.

The dye is starting to get reddish tinges in it. So...I'm hoping.

Oh man I need another job.

My mom and I were talking today about Jason, Mike, and Shawn leaving for university at the end of the month. I confessed that I'm pretty torn up about it. I mean, those three are like brothers to me. Whenever I fucked up [which happened a lot], they were there for me. They told me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. And they stuck by me.

Even after I went and did all of that other stuff and cut the majority of my friends out of my life, those three were there for me. God, I'm going to miss them.

I wish there was something I could do, something I could say, that would show them how I feel. Some kind of knock-your-socks-off present for them to take to university. Must look into this more.

I'm pimping up Trish's blog later tonight. I'm also getting Shawn a blog. Let the madness begin.

Here Is Gone
You and I got something
But it's all and then it's nothing to me
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

I have no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

And I don't need the fallout of all the past
That's here between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

And I want to get free talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

And I want to get free talk to me
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone
-Goo Goo Dolls

Playing With Fire [or] Purple Nerple
Hmm. Where to start.

Went to Sarah's this afternoon, got my hair dyed.

I went in thinking I'd be getting some kick-ass red.

I now have a totally new appreciation for the color purple--err....sorry, Sarah--Magenta.

Yep, magenta....you guys have to see it to believe it. It truly is a work of art.

Saw Ryan ("That's a shitty surprise.") and Kim and Alison too. *love*

Came home, frightened parents/neighbours/Graham with new magenta locks, was informed that I was being treated to Pirates Of The Carribean. Went to said movie with mother/father/brother/brother's-friend-who-lives-here-is-now-brother.

Best movie EVER!!! I can see why all the bandies (including Alliey) were obsessed with it for awhile. Damn, I love Orlando Bloom. Drool-worthy, to say the least.

Only one month of summer left....hoooooboy here we go.

So I'm doing it again. I can see Ryan's not too impressed with my apparent lack of thinking on the subject, he made that pretty clear the other day. And he's right, about me not knowing enough to do anything.

It's just that sometimes...

I don't know...

I...I push people away. Yeah, this comes a no real surprise to long-time readers/haters. But to some people it does.

Like, I try so hard to get so close, but I only end up fucking it all over. [descriptive, whiny paragraph alert]

Me with my misplaced words and inconvenient timing. My half-spoken truths and poorly conceived plans. Thinly veiled emotions. I want you I need you but I don't even know who I am. Or what I want. But I want you. Who is "you"? Ask me no questions I'll tell you no lies. Even though I want to tell you, God knows I want to tell you. But I just can't find the words...you know? You ask me to tell you, suggest who you think it is, but I can't tell you the truth. I just can't force out the words. What good would it do me? You're not interested, I can tell. But God, I wish you were.

You just can't compete with someone you've never met.

Anyways.

I keep getting weird looks from cars. I was walking my dogs, Post-Dye-Job, and I counted 13 slow-turn-look-speed-away's. In 10 minutes.

Go weird-colored hair...

Whooooooooooo
Most random title ever.

Just woke up. Don't know why, but I'm in a fantastic mood. Possibly because today is Hair-Dying Day!

....That is, if my mother lets me...ha. We'll see.

Stayed up and listened to my Taking Back Sunday [TBS] CD last night.

Holy shit. If there was ever an album that has "THIS IS KENDALL'S ENTIRE THOUGHT PROCESS" written all over it, this is it. It's an expensive CD...and I bought the last one in Musicworld...but still. If you can pick it up, I suggest that you do it.

I really, really need to stop going to Musicworld. And HMV, for that matter. I keep seeing new CDs by artists that I'm semi-in-love with, and I want them. I also discovered a 24$ CD/DVD dealy from The Used, which includes live versions of my favourite songs, the performances, and 6 or 7 new songs.

I want I want I want I want.

TBS Quotes
"So desperatly obvious. So obviously desperate."
"The finest lines divides a night well spent fom a waste of time."
"I could be your best bet, let along your worst ex."
"You know very well I can't keep my hands to myself."
"This is all wrong and it shows and it shows and it's showing."
"Let's never talk about this again because I didn't want it to mean that much to me anyway."
"I want to hate you so bad, but I can't stop this anymore than you can."
"I won't ever ask if you don't ever tell me."

"She'll destroy us all before she's through and find a way to blame somebody else."

"I love (love, loathe, repeat) the way you'd roll excuses off the tip of your tongue as I'd slowly fall apart."
"This won't mean a thing come tomorrow and that's exactly how I'll make it seem."
"So please, please, please, I'm running out of sympathy...I never said I'd take this lying down..."
"You always come close but you never come easy."
"It's times like these where silence means everything."
"It's a shame I doubt they'd notice I doubt they even care."
"No one is to know about this. Don't let me down."
"This is what living like this does...thank God you weren't there to watch me hit bottom."

"Literate and stylish, kissable and quiet, that's what girl's dreams are made of."
"You have it or you don't."
"Those words at best were worse than teenage poetry. Fragmented ideas and too many pronouns."
"You know, of the million things you 'had to say' you'd think sorry just might have found its way in there somehow."
"I never meant it to be like this."
"But you know what comes next, so do I. You're begging for a way to gracefully bow out and say goodnight."
"I can't say I blame you, but I wish I could."

"I'm sick of writing every song about you."