I Just Can't Give You Anything
I just drank beer with my parents.
Gross, Kokanee beer, no less.
I love being 18.
entry playlist
1. Dire Straits - Romeo & Juliet
1.31.2004
1.30.2004
I Know You Well Enough To Know...
I spent my night thinking about what you said without you even knowing you'd said it.
And I thought myself into a miserable mood.
Like the way my dog looks when you throw her in water, and she finally swims to shore. She won't even shake herself off, she just stands there with her fur matted to her sides. And she just looks miserable. I think if she had opposable thumbs and a gun, she'd shoot herself. And I know how she feels.
I hate inevitability.
I hate knowing that I can't change things.
I hate feeling like this.
entry playlist
1. David Gray - This Years Love
2. Sheryl Crow - Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man
3. Avril Lavigne - I'm With You
I spent my night thinking about what you said without you even knowing you'd said it.
And I thought myself into a miserable mood.
Like the way my dog looks when you throw her in water, and she finally swims to shore. She won't even shake herself off, she just stands there with her fur matted to her sides. And she just looks miserable. I think if she had opposable thumbs and a gun, she'd shoot herself. And I know how she feels.
I hate inevitability.
I hate knowing that I can't change things.
I hate feeling like this.
entry playlist
1. David Gray - This Years Love
2. Sheryl Crow - Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man
3. Avril Lavigne - I'm With You
Cut From The Team
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable
-Taking Back Sunday
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable
-Taking Back Sunday
Rise
Lets call it off
I've had enough of the games
If you could see into me
All my veins are tangled up
Tied in knots
My heart beats slowly now,
It's emptying into the streets
Swirling straight away down the drains back to sea
Oh when is the time
Where you aren’t in my mind
Setting flames ravaging all my dreams
When can I finally wake
To the sunlight shining on my cheeks
And the wind sweeping me away
Far away from every memory
With you face in the frame
That'll be the day
When the sky starts burning,
The earth ain’t moving.
We all become sane
And we rise in the morning
To kiss the scorching sun before it falls.
ohhh
-Saves The Day
Lets call it off
I've had enough of the games
If you could see into me
All my veins are tangled up
Tied in knots
My heart beats slowly now,
It's emptying into the streets
Swirling straight away down the drains back to sea
Oh when is the time
Where you aren’t in my mind
Setting flames ravaging all my dreams
When can I finally wake
To the sunlight shining on my cheeks
And the wind sweeping me away
Far away from every memory
With you face in the frame
That'll be the day
When the sky starts burning,
The earth ain’t moving.
We all become sane
And we rise in the morning
To kiss the scorching sun before it falls.
ohhh
-Saves The Day
Love Survey [from Candy]
The Basics
Are you single / taken? Taken.
If you're single, are you looking? Nooooo.
If you're taken, by who?: Will [I'm such a loser for doing this survey. It just dawned on me.]
How many people have you just gone on dates with but not been officially going out with them? ...2? 3? 5?
How many people have you dated exclusively? Man. Good question. 7 - 12.
How many guys/girls have you kissed? Around...10 - 15 guys, I guess.
How long is your longest relationship? 2 weeks short of a year
How many times have you liked someone but they didn't like you back? 24. No, I just made that up.
How many times has someone liked you that you didn't like back? Not too many, actually...
Are you straight, bisexual, or gay/lesbian? Straight. [Elijah Wood is very, very gay, Blaire.]
Virgin? As far as you people need to know.
If no, how many times / people? see above
If yes, why? I have my reasons.
Are you hot? Not really.
Have you ever been in love? Yeah, it sucks.
Has anyone ever loved you? besides my family/dogs? I guess so...
Have you ever been cheated on? How many times? Yes; once, as far as I know
Have you ever cheated on someone else? No, but I feel guilty because I sort of cheated [if holding hands counts] to get away rfom a homeless person...[I have an overdeveloped guilt complex]
Digging Deeper
What do you look for in a relationship? I look for fun and chemistry. Is what it comes down to.
What do you look for in a boy/girlfriend? I look for...hmm...eyebrow rings? Maybe? But seriously, I look for someone who has a good heart and a good head on their shoulders. I guess I look for someone willing to put up with me.
What DON'T you look for? I don't look for money. Honestly, I don't care, as long as he spends time with me.
Are you looking for commitment in a relationship? Yeeeees....but I don't force it. I prefer my relationships to be like flannel pajama pants.
Would you consider yourself a hopeless romantic? I'm horrible. I'm such a sap.
What are you worried that your lover wouldn't like about you? Oh lord. I'm scared I'm a horrible kisser, or I'm fat/chubby, or I'm not funny, or I'm a loser, or I'm ugly, or I'm weird, or I'm....god, anything. I'm the most insecure person alive.
What makes you afraid to enter a relationship? I'm always afraid, for a lot of reasons, mostly getting hurt. But, fearlessly, I enter anyways.
What do you like to do on a date? Somewhere we can talk and get to know each other. Later on, it's fun to try different things. I've lost it.
How far would you go on the first date? Usually just a good make-out session.
Would you put your significant other before your friends? It depends who needs me more at the time, honestly.
Do you believe in "friends with benefits"? Not anymore. It does NOT work.
Have you ever had a "friends with benefits" relationship? Yes. Fuck.
Would you ever go out with someone you hooked up with while drunk? I tried once or twice...never again.
Are you lucky in love? *dies laughing*
How do you feel about nicknames? As long as nobody outside of the relationship EVER heard them, I'm cool.
Do you have a song you'd like to have sex to? Jimmy Eat World - For Me This Is Heaven or Elliott - Blessed By Your Own Ghost [slow sex songs...I told you I was a hopeless romantic]
Do long distance relationships work? Couldn't tell you.
Personal Deep Questions
Do you beleive in love at first sight? I believe in fate?
Would you ever date someone with a handicap? It depends what kind.
Would you (did you) lose your virginity to someone if you weren't in love? I don't know.
Is it possible to love someone so much that you'd die for them? Yes
Is it possible to love someone so much that you'd kill for them? Well...I guess it's a logical defence....
Is it possible to love someone so much that you'd hurt yourself for them? Sure it is!
If you loved someone, would you go farther then you were comfortable, just because you loved them? Sadly, yeah.
What should sex be like? Sex...should be the best 15 seconds ever. I'm kidding.
Do you beleive a life without love isn't worth living? No.
For the on-and-off couple, how many times of breaking up and getting back together would it take for you to just end it completely? Twice. Fuck. I hate this shit.
Describe what it's like to be in love? You turn into a LOSER. Fuck. Everything revolves around the other person. People stop referring to you as individuals and being to slur your names together. Example: Claudioandchristie.
What non material thing that is not an emotion could bring a couple together? Music. One hundred and fourteen percent MUSIC. Or sex...but is that material? Let's say....tragedy.
How do you know it's love? Honestly? You don't know until it's too late.
God, I'm such a cynic.
The Basics
Are you single / taken? Taken.
If you're single, are you looking? Nooooo.
If you're taken, by who?: Will [I'm such a loser for doing this survey. It just dawned on me.]
How many people have you just gone on dates with but not been officially going out with them? ...2? 3? 5?
How many people have you dated exclusively? Man. Good question. 7 - 12.
How many guys/girls have you kissed? Around...10 - 15 guys, I guess.
How long is your longest relationship? 2 weeks short of a year
How many times have you liked someone but they didn't like you back? 24. No, I just made that up.
How many times has someone liked you that you didn't like back? Not too many, actually...
Are you straight, bisexual, or gay/lesbian? Straight. [Elijah Wood is very, very gay, Blaire.]
Virgin? As far as you people need to know.
If no, how many times / people? see above
If yes, why? I have my reasons.
Are you hot? Not really.
Have you ever been in love? Yeah, it sucks.
Has anyone ever loved you? besides my family/dogs? I guess so...
Have you ever been cheated on? How many times? Yes; once, as far as I know
Have you ever cheated on someone else? No, but I feel guilty because I sort of cheated [if holding hands counts] to get away rfom a homeless person...[I have an overdeveloped guilt complex]
Digging Deeper
What do you look for in a relationship? I look for fun and chemistry. Is what it comes down to.
What do you look for in a boy/girlfriend? I look for...hmm...eyebrow rings? Maybe? But seriously, I look for someone who has a good heart and a good head on their shoulders. I guess I look for someone willing to put up with me.
What DON'T you look for? I don't look for money. Honestly, I don't care, as long as he spends time with me.
Are you looking for commitment in a relationship? Yeeeees....but I don't force it. I prefer my relationships to be like flannel pajama pants.
Would you consider yourself a hopeless romantic? I'm horrible. I'm such a sap.
What are you worried that your lover wouldn't like about you? Oh lord. I'm scared I'm a horrible kisser, or I'm fat/chubby, or I'm not funny, or I'm a loser, or I'm ugly, or I'm weird, or I'm....god, anything. I'm the most insecure person alive.
What makes you afraid to enter a relationship? I'm always afraid, for a lot of reasons, mostly getting hurt. But, fearlessly, I enter anyways.
What do you like to do on a date? Somewhere we can talk and get to know each other. Later on, it's fun to try different things. I've lost it.
How far would you go on the first date? Usually just a good make-out session.
Would you put your significant other before your friends? It depends who needs me more at the time, honestly.
Do you believe in "friends with benefits"? Not anymore. It does NOT work.
Have you ever had a "friends with benefits" relationship? Yes. Fuck.
Would you ever go out with someone you hooked up with while drunk? I tried once or twice...never again.
Are you lucky in love? *dies laughing*
How do you feel about nicknames? As long as nobody outside of the relationship EVER heard them, I'm cool.
Do you have a song you'd like to have sex to? Jimmy Eat World - For Me This Is Heaven or Elliott - Blessed By Your Own Ghost [slow sex songs...I told you I was a hopeless romantic]
Do long distance relationships work? Couldn't tell you.
Personal Deep Questions
Do you beleive in love at first sight? I believe in fate?
Would you ever date someone with a handicap? It depends what kind.
Would you (did you) lose your virginity to someone if you weren't in love? I don't know.
Is it possible to love someone so much that you'd die for them? Yes
Is it possible to love someone so much that you'd kill for them? Well...I guess it's a logical defence....
Is it possible to love someone so much that you'd hurt yourself for them? Sure it is!
If you loved someone, would you go farther then you were comfortable, just because you loved them? Sadly, yeah.
What should sex be like? Sex...should be the best 15 seconds ever. I'm kidding.
Do you beleive a life without love isn't worth living? No.
For the on-and-off couple, how many times of breaking up and getting back together would it take for you to just end it completely? Twice. Fuck. I hate this shit.
Describe what it's like to be in love? You turn into a LOSER. Fuck. Everything revolves around the other person. People stop referring to you as individuals and being to slur your names together. Example: Claudioandchristie.
What non material thing that is not an emotion could bring a couple together? Music. One hundred and fourteen percent MUSIC. Or sex...but is that material? Let's say....tragedy.
How do you know it's love? Honestly? You don't know until it's too late.
God, I'm such a cynic.
"This Is Why I Don't Live, Eat, Work, Or Do ANYTHING Downtown"
How did I score this?
I have an amazing family. With a brother who, really, shouldn't be alive. He beat all the odds.
I have a pretty good job, for when I don't mess things up.
I have amazing friends. Those people who have supported me through everything this year. "Year" meaning, "starting in July".
And I have an incredible boyfriend. He spoils me, he really does.
Not that I'm complaining. *cough*
Life...
Life is good.
I like this.
I listened to "The Light & The Glass" last night when I got home. I don't know why, but it reminds me of...well, a lot of things.
"Caught to last a lifetime...caught between here and the days of it. Carving her name across your arm...with every wish, it's hit or miss her...I told you so. I measure distance in lines, plotting the rest of my life. But you, you, you, you had better things to do...[liar]."
God. I love that song.
But I love Konstantine more. God, if you've never listened to it...you're all doomed when my "Songs for Silent Movies" comes in. *rubs hands together*
I think I may post those lyrics, actually. I'm on a bit of a Something Corporate streak. Which is odd, considering I got "Leaving Through The Window" in January last year [thanks, by the way] and I bought "North" in September or something. Usually when I go on "kicks" I hole myself up in my room with a stack of freshly bought, nobody's-ever-heard-of-em CDs. And after a few hours I start to go feral, so my mom has to sic the dog on me. So when I finally emerge, I'm vicious and mean and decide to spread the joy of my new music to anybody who happens to be within blasting distance.
It's a little embarrasing. I think PG's afraid to drive with me now, because I always seem to have this "GREAT NEW CD!!!!!" in my pocket that he absolutely must listen to, or die. And usually, he ends up liking it, so he goes out and buys the CD, but then ends up being mad, because now I've made him spend money that he really needs to save.
Ohhhh, I'm so mean to him.
CT and I decided that I'm like a Musical Evangelist. I mean, I convert people left and right. God is a DJ, I guess. Or a pop-punk-rocker. Ahem.
Arrrg, I can't believe I have to wait until Saturday to see him.
Renegade....isn't Saturday tomorrow?
Saturday NIGHT! Gawd! Eons away!
I work at Z tonight. Man, I haven't been there in almost a week. Sure hope MF, CB, and DC are working!
But....yeah.
Life is amazing.
How did I score this?
I have an amazing family. With a brother who, really, shouldn't be alive. He beat all the odds.
I have a pretty good job, for when I don't mess things up.
I have amazing friends. Those people who have supported me through everything this year. "Year" meaning, "starting in July".
And I have an incredible boyfriend. He spoils me, he really does.
Not that I'm complaining. *cough*
Life...
Life is good.
I like this.
I listened to "The Light & The Glass" last night when I got home. I don't know why, but it reminds me of...well, a lot of things.
"Caught to last a lifetime...caught between here and the days of it. Carving her name across your arm...with every wish, it's hit or miss her...I told you so. I measure distance in lines, plotting the rest of my life. But you, you, you, you had better things to do...[liar]."
God. I love that song.
But I love Konstantine more. God, if you've never listened to it...you're all doomed when my "Songs for Silent Movies" comes in. *rubs hands together*
I think I may post those lyrics, actually. I'm on a bit of a Something Corporate streak. Which is odd, considering I got "Leaving Through The Window" in January last year [thanks, by the way] and I bought "North" in September or something. Usually when I go on "kicks" I hole myself up in my room with a stack of freshly bought, nobody's-ever-heard-of-em CDs. And after a few hours I start to go feral, so my mom has to sic the dog on me. So when I finally emerge, I'm vicious and mean and decide to spread the joy of my new music to anybody who happens to be within blasting distance.
It's a little embarrasing. I think PG's afraid to drive with me now, because I always seem to have this "GREAT NEW CD!!!!!" in my pocket that he absolutely must listen to, or die. And usually, he ends up liking it, so he goes out and buys the CD, but then ends up being mad, because now I've made him spend money that he really needs to save.
Ohhhh, I'm so mean to him.
CT and I decided that I'm like a Musical Evangelist. I mean, I convert people left and right. God is a DJ, I guess. Or a pop-punk-rocker. Ahem.
Arrrg, I can't believe I have to wait until Saturday to see him.
Renegade....isn't Saturday tomorrow?
Saturday NIGHT! Gawd! Eons away!
I work at Z tonight. Man, I haven't been there in almost a week. Sure hope MF, CB, and DC are working!
But....yeah.
Life is amazing.
1.29.2004
Fall
I close my eyes
Thought I was lost but I was stranded
I go outside
To my surprise the sky had landed
I thought it made more sense
If I could only keep you guessing
I was a fool to think that I should stop you from undressing
Now I'm believing all the words you say
That I can't say back to you
But so you can
So I fall
I don't wanna feel this small
You know I just can't handle this
Handle this at all
And I'll just fall
I'll let my heartbeat drop
I falter as the music stops
And you watch me as I stall
And wonder when I fall
I kiss your neck
I feel you breathing on my shoulder
Still I'm perfect
It must be you cause now it's over
I was so close
That was the most that I have ever been through
Now old cassettes and cigarettes
Will be the ones to save you
How can you ask for me to stay
When all you ever do is go?
Just go....
And so I fall
I don't wanna feel this small
You know I just can't handle this
Handle this at all
And so I fall
I let my heartbeat drop
I falter as the music stops
And you watch me as I stall
And wonder when I...
Go on
You kept me waiting
Go on
And watch me as I fall
I don't wanna feel this small
You know I just can't handle this
Handle this at all
And so I'll fall
I'll let my heartbeat drop
I falter as the music stops
And you watch me as stall
And wonder when I...
-Something Corporate
I close my eyes
Thought I was lost but I was stranded
I go outside
To my surprise the sky had landed
I thought it made more sense
If I could only keep you guessing
I was a fool to think that I should stop you from undressing
Now I'm believing all the words you say
That I can't say back to you
But so you can
So I fall
I don't wanna feel this small
You know I just can't handle this
Handle this at all
And I'll just fall
I'll let my heartbeat drop
I falter as the music stops
And you watch me as I stall
And wonder when I fall
I kiss your neck
I feel you breathing on my shoulder
Still I'm perfect
It must be you cause now it's over
I was so close
That was the most that I have ever been through
Now old cassettes and cigarettes
Will be the ones to save you
How can you ask for me to stay
When all you ever do is go?
Just go....
And so I fall
I don't wanna feel this small
You know I just can't handle this
Handle this at all
And so I fall
I let my heartbeat drop
I falter as the music stops
And you watch me as I stall
And wonder when I...
Go on
You kept me waiting
Go on
And watch me as I fall
I don't wanna feel this small
You know I just can't handle this
Handle this at all
And so I'll fall
I'll let my heartbeat drop
I falter as the music stops
And you watch me as stall
And wonder when I...
-Something Corporate
Go Softly
I forgot to say this before, and I don't know how I could have forgotten.
Thank you.
Thank you to everybody who prayed for my brother these past few days.
Thank you for the Public Blog Entries of Hope.
Thank you, guys...
It means more than you know.
I forgot to say this before, and I don't know how I could have forgotten.
Thank you.
Thank you to everybody who prayed for my brother these past few days.
Thank you for the Public Blog Entries of Hope.
Thank you, guys...
It means more than you know.
I Promise, This'll Put Us All To Shame
Same thing as the last one--bold the ones you've seen.
1. Snatch
2. 25th Hour
3. Godfather I II III
4. Momento
5. Roxanne
6. Shallow Grave
7. Nightmare Before Christmas
8. Jackie Brown
9. Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
10. Formula 51
11. Pulp Fiction
12. To Sir with Love
13. Burnt by The Sun
14. Cabaret Balkan
15. Beautiful Girls
16. La Femme Nakita
17. Edward Scissorhands
18. This Boy's Life
19. Four Weddings & a Funeral
20. About a Boy
21. Goodfellas
22. Casino
23. The Usual Suspects
24. Seven
25. Punch Drunk Love
26. Fargo
27. Bend it Like Beckham
28. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
29. Notting Hill
30. Shakespeare in Love
31. Young Frankenstein
32. Blazing Saddles [I'm ashamed of myself for not seeing this.]
33. The Life of Brian
34. The Joy Luck Club
35. Othello
36. When Father Was Away on Business
37. Mother
38. True Romance
39. Dog Day Afternoon
40. Scarface
41. The Other Sister
42. Domenick & Eugene
43. Broken English
44. Reservoir Dogs
45. Snapper
46. The Onion Field
47. Pretty in Pink
48. The Breakfast Club
49. The Green Mile
50. Philidelphia
51. Antwone Fisher
52. Corina, Corina
53. Goin' Down The Road
54. Sound of Music
55. Madame X
56. Imitation of Life
57. The Replacements
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Fiddler on the Roof
60. The Road to Perdition
61. Dead Man Walking
62. The Player
63. Doctor Zivago
64. Shindler's List
65. The Dirty Dozen
66. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
67. Lolita (the original)
68. Shallow Hal
69. The Fine Young Cannibals
70. Round Midnight
71. American History X
72. The Outsiders
73. Rumblefish
74. Perfect Storm
75. A Bronx Tale
76. Fight Club
77. 12 Angry Men
78. A Patch of Blue
79. Remember the Titans
81. Little Odessa
82. Moonstruck
83. Sixth Sense
84. Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean
85. The Professional
86. The Valley of the Dolls
87. Dead Calm
88. Zelig
89. What's Up, Tiger Lily
90. The Party
91. Wait Until Dark
92. To Kill a Mockingbird [I read the book...]
93. Empire
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl
97. Paris is Burning
98. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
99. Rear Window
100. Irma LaDuce
101. Tribute
102. Harold & Maude
103. Clockwork Orange
104. This is Spinal Tap
105. Hardball
106. Slingblade
107. Pay it Forward
108. As Good as it Gets
I think only Pat will win on this one.
Same thing as the last one--bold the ones you've seen.
1. Snatch
2. 25th Hour
3. Godfather I II III
4. Momento
5. Roxanne
6. Shallow Grave
7. Nightmare Before Christmas
8. Jackie Brown
9. Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
10. Formula 51
11. Pulp Fiction
12. To Sir with Love
13. Burnt by The Sun
14. Cabaret Balkan
15. Beautiful Girls
16. La Femme Nakita
17. Edward Scissorhands
18. This Boy's Life
19. Four Weddings & a Funeral
20. About a Boy
21. Goodfellas
22. Casino
23. The Usual Suspects
24. Seven
25. Punch Drunk Love
26. Fargo
27. Bend it Like Beckham
28. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
29. Notting Hill
30. Shakespeare in Love
31. Young Frankenstein
32. Blazing Saddles [I'm ashamed of myself for not seeing this.]
33. The Life of Brian
34. The Joy Luck Club
35. Othello
36. When Father Was Away on Business
37. Mother
38. True Romance
39. Dog Day Afternoon
40. Scarface
41. The Other Sister
42. Domenick & Eugene
43. Broken English
44. Reservoir Dogs
45. Snapper
46. The Onion Field
47. Pretty in Pink
48. The Breakfast Club
49. The Green Mile
50. Philidelphia
51. Antwone Fisher
52. Corina, Corina
53. Goin' Down The Road
54. Sound of Music
55. Madame X
56. Imitation of Life
57. The Replacements
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Fiddler on the Roof
60. The Road to Perdition
61. Dead Man Walking
62. The Player
63. Doctor Zivago
64. Shindler's List
65. The Dirty Dozen
66. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
67. Lolita (the original)
68. Shallow Hal
69. The Fine Young Cannibals
70. Round Midnight
71. American History X
72. The Outsiders
73. Rumblefish
74. Perfect Storm
75. A Bronx Tale
76. Fight Club
77. 12 Angry Men
78. A Patch of Blue
79. Remember the Titans
81. Little Odessa
82. Moonstruck
83. Sixth Sense
84. Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean
85. The Professional
86. The Valley of the Dolls
87. Dead Calm
88. Zelig
89. What's Up, Tiger Lily
90. The Party
91. Wait Until Dark
92. To Kill a Mockingbird [I read the book...]
93. Empire
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl
97. Paris is Burning
98. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
99. Rear Window
100. Irma LaDuce
101. Tribute
102. Harold & Maude
103. Clockwork Orange
104. This is Spinal Tap
105. Hardball
106. Slingblade
107. Pay it Forward
108. As Good as it Gets
I think only Pat will win on this one.
Survey Survery Survey
what is the geekiest part of your music collection?
My boy band phase....dear lord. I wish I could burn those things, but I'm too attached.
what do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
Pizza, if we have it. Rice cakes, if we don't.
what is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
Armageddon. Every bloody time...
if you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Some scar removal.
do you have a completely irrational fear?
Car accidents. No....moths.
what is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
I play with my cartilage piercings or my necklace or bounce my foot up and down.
do you know anyone famous?
Will wants to be famous....
describe your bed.
Its black and metal...with leopard-print bedding and sex lights. Oooh yes.
spontaneous or plan?
I like having a general plan. But spontaneuity is awesome, too.
do you know how to play poker?
I think so... [strip poker, Melissa!]
what do you carry with you at all times?
my cell phone, and lip balm. And my diskman, if I have room.
what do you miss most about being little?
no worries!
are you happy with your given name?
I didn't used to be, but I am now.
how much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
Enough to buy me an AudioBlog subscription and to pay for my cell phone bill.
what color is your bedroom?
Tan-beige. The same color as the rest of my boring house.
what was the last song you were listening to?
Taking Back Sunday - Head Club
have you ever been in a play?
Yup. Elementary!
have you ever been in love?
yes.
do you talk a lot?
Occasionally.
do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Usually.
do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
Only when they frighten me.
do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
I'm trying to be. No word yet on how that's going.
do you spend more time with your boyfriend or your friends?
I know it should be friends...but lately it's been Will. Let's fix this.
what's one thing you wish you could do but can't?
I wish I could understand every language. It'd be like a super power!
what is your ideal marriage location?
On a beach at sunset.
which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Bass guitar and violin
something you love and hate?
I love and hate Zellers.
what kind of bedding do you use?
I have a comforter snuck under my animal-print bedding...
do you tell your friends about your sex life?
Or lack thereof.
what's the one language you want to learn?
German
what do you order at a bar?
Candied Apple. Or...beer. Canadian. Mmmmm.
have you ever pierced your body parts?
Yes I have.
do you have tattoos?
Not yet!
would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery of any kind if confronted?
Depends what it was...
do you drive stick?
the stick drives me. So....no.
what's one trait you hate in a person?
Knuckle-cracking.
what kind of watch(es) do you wear?
my knock-off Gucci. Mmmm.
most frivolous purchase?
I splurge on CDs alllll the time.
do you consider yourself materialistic?
Just about CDs.
what do you cook the best?
Kraft Dinner.
favorite writing instrument?
Black Uniball pens.
do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
If it's people I'm confident around, I'll stand out. If I'm in a crowd of strangers, I'll blend in. I'm a chameleon.
do you have anything monogrammed?
Nope.
would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Yeah. I know Will's answer to this one, too...gotcha!
what's one car you will never buy?
SUV.
what kind of books do you like to read?
Stephen King
if you won the lottery, what would you do?
shit my pants.
burial or cremation?
burial
how many online journals do you read regularly?
...twelve?
what's one thing you're a sore loser at?
the "Sex" game. or bowling.
if you don't like a person, how do you show it?
i'm exceedingly petty.
do you cry in front of friends?
yeah.
what kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
"dear lord she's a poser."
what's one thing you like to do alone?
be alone.
are you a giver or a taker?
A little from column A, a little from column B.
what have you stolen before?
signs!
favorite communication method?
blogs. No, seriously, though...if I have time, then my cell phone.
how many drinks before you're tipsy?
Two and up.
do you ever have to beg?
for mercy. oooooooo.
have you ever done any illegal drugs?
not to my knowledge.
do you think you're cute?
oh i'm fucking adorable.
do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
you're kidding. BAND.
what's the most painful experience you've ever had?
Lucy coupled with The James Thing Part III; Kale's little episode this week.
what is the geekiest part of your music collection?
My boy band phase....dear lord. I wish I could burn those things, but I'm too attached.
what do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
Pizza, if we have it. Rice cakes, if we don't.
what is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
Armageddon. Every bloody time...
if you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Some scar removal.
do you have a completely irrational fear?
Car accidents. No....moths.
what is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
I play with my cartilage piercings or my necklace or bounce my foot up and down.
do you know anyone famous?
Will wants to be famous....
describe your bed.
Its black and metal...with leopard-print bedding and sex lights. Oooh yes.
spontaneous or plan?
I like having a general plan. But spontaneuity is awesome, too.
do you know how to play poker?
I think so... [strip poker, Melissa!]
what do you carry with you at all times?
my cell phone, and lip balm. And my diskman, if I have room.
what do you miss most about being little?
no worries!
are you happy with your given name?
I didn't used to be, but I am now.
how much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
Enough to buy me an AudioBlog subscription and to pay for my cell phone bill.
what color is your bedroom?
Tan-beige. The same color as the rest of my boring house.
what was the last song you were listening to?
Taking Back Sunday - Head Club
have you ever been in a play?
Yup. Elementary!
have you ever been in love?
yes.
do you talk a lot?
Occasionally.
do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Usually.
do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
Only when they frighten me.
do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
I'm trying to be. No word yet on how that's going.
do you spend more time with your boyfriend or your friends?
I know it should be friends...but lately it's been Will. Let's fix this.
what's one thing you wish you could do but can't?
I wish I could understand every language. It'd be like a super power!
what is your ideal marriage location?
On a beach at sunset.
which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Bass guitar and violin
something you love and hate?
I love and hate Zellers.
what kind of bedding do you use?
I have a comforter snuck under my animal-print bedding...
do you tell your friends about your sex life?
Or lack thereof.
what's the one language you want to learn?
German
what do you order at a bar?
Candied Apple. Or...beer. Canadian. Mmmmm.
have you ever pierced your body parts?
Yes I have.
do you have tattoos?
Not yet!
would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery of any kind if confronted?
Depends what it was...
do you drive stick?
the stick drives me. So....no.
what's one trait you hate in a person?
Knuckle-cracking.
what kind of watch(es) do you wear?
my knock-off Gucci. Mmmm.
most frivolous purchase?
I splurge on CDs alllll the time.
do you consider yourself materialistic?
Just about CDs.
what do you cook the best?
Kraft Dinner.
favorite writing instrument?
Black Uniball pens.
do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
If it's people I'm confident around, I'll stand out. If I'm in a crowd of strangers, I'll blend in. I'm a chameleon.
do you have anything monogrammed?
Nope.
would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Yeah. I know Will's answer to this one, too...gotcha!
what's one car you will never buy?
SUV.
what kind of books do you like to read?
Stephen King
if you won the lottery, what would you do?
shit my pants.
burial or cremation?
burial
how many online journals do you read regularly?
...twelve?
what's one thing you're a sore loser at?
the "Sex" game. or bowling.
if you don't like a person, how do you show it?
i'm exceedingly petty.
do you cry in front of friends?
yeah.
what kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
"dear lord she's a poser."
what's one thing you like to do alone?
be alone.
are you a giver or a taker?
A little from column A, a little from column B.
what have you stolen before?
signs!
favorite communication method?
blogs. No, seriously, though...if I have time, then my cell phone.
how many drinks before you're tipsy?
Two and up.
do you ever have to beg?
for mercy. oooooooo.
have you ever done any illegal drugs?
not to my knowledge.
do you think you're cute?
oh i'm fucking adorable.
do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
you're kidding. BAND.
what's the most painful experience you've ever had?
Lucy coupled with The James Thing Part III; Kale's little episode this week.
Lucky Stars, Healing Hearts
I don't think I ever really believed in miracles until yesterday.
KS2 is fine. He's coming home today. The surgery went great.
I walked into the ICU, pulled back the curtain...
And saw my brother beating the crap out of BS at Guess Who.
It was funny, he barely noticed I was there!
I guess he was still woozy from the drugs/surgery, but he showed me his incision...or the bandage on it, at least. I stuck around and played a few games, then went back outside to where Will was waiting in the car.
My brother looked great. A little pale, but otherwise normal. He's going to be fine.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I will never have another period as hard as Tuesday/Wednesday was for me. I feel so...right.
W is amazing.
I had to get that out.
He brought me pink roses last night. Even though I knew he had got me roses, I was still shocked when I opened the door and saw him standing there, looking cold and a little miserable, holding this giant plastic-wrapped thing. A shitload of plastic for something so small. Insert condom joke here.
But wow.
I was getting really bad last night, before he came over. I started throwing stuff around my room. I cranked MGB because it was the only thing I could stand to listen to. I played "Running For Home" and started crying while I was getting ready.
I was a mess. But seeing him on my doorstep took that all away.
And he let me get myself pleasently buzzed at BP's while we [sort of] watched the hockey game. It took away my giant headache...which returned fully and with a kind of malicious vengeance in the car home from the hospital. But in the meantime, I didn't care, because look who I was spending time with!
We're thinking we might do the Back Alley on Saturday night. I'm hoping so, because I need to have a good time.
Lord knows its the closest I'm going to get to a vacation for a while.
"I have the best boyfriend in the world."
"Really Renegade? What's his name?"
I don't think I ever really believed in miracles until yesterday.
KS2 is fine. He's coming home today. The surgery went great.
I walked into the ICU, pulled back the curtain...
And saw my brother beating the crap out of BS at Guess Who.
It was funny, he barely noticed I was there!
I guess he was still woozy from the drugs/surgery, but he showed me his incision...or the bandage on it, at least. I stuck around and played a few games, then went back outside to where Will was waiting in the car.
My brother looked great. A little pale, but otherwise normal. He's going to be fine.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I will never have another period as hard as Tuesday/Wednesday was for me. I feel so...right.
W is amazing.
I had to get that out.
He brought me pink roses last night. Even though I knew he had got me roses, I was still shocked when I opened the door and saw him standing there, looking cold and a little miserable, holding this giant plastic-wrapped thing. A shitload of plastic for something so small. Insert condom joke here.
But wow.
I was getting really bad last night, before he came over. I started throwing stuff around my room. I cranked MGB because it was the only thing I could stand to listen to. I played "Running For Home" and started crying while I was getting ready.
I was a mess. But seeing him on my doorstep took that all away.
And he let me get myself pleasently buzzed at BP's while we [sort of] watched the hockey game. It took away my giant headache...which returned fully and with a kind of malicious vengeance in the car home from the hospital. But in the meantime, I didn't care, because look who I was spending time with!
We're thinking we might do the Back Alley on Saturday night. I'm hoping so, because I need to have a good time.
Lord knows its the closest I'm going to get to a vacation for a while.
"I have the best boyfriend in the world."
"Really Renegade? What's his name?"
1.28.2004
Ten Seconds
I suppose I should be happy.
I mean, he's going to be fine.
Just some surgery. On his heart. And everything will be a-OK.
Ignore the fact that it turns out...whenever he's had a seizure....his heart stops for ten seconds.
Ten seconds.
Ten seconds of no oxygen to his brain.
The brain dies in 5 seconds without oxygen.
Ten. Seconds.
And this hasn't just happened once.
It's happened at least 4 times.
And the doctors think it happens in his sleep.
He had an attack yesterday at the hospital while they were doing tests. That's why they kept him overnight, to see if his heart does it regularly.
He goes in this morning for the surgery. He's getting fitted with a pacemaker--my twelve-year-old brother, a pacemaker.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere.
We went to this hospital last night to see him. He's in ICU.
Its so hard, seeing him with all the electrodes and the IV and the saline drip in his hand. We brought him pj's and movies and stuff, since he'll be in there until at least Friday. I made up a CD wallet for him. Snuck Blink in there for him, since I know he loves them and Mom doesn't like him listening to them.
We stayed until about 9:30, then said goodnight. I started crying again, so I left his part of the room and punched a wall until my hand hurt.
God, its so hard.
But we are so lucky.
So many things could have gone differently. My brother could be dead, now, died in his sleep or on the ice. We could have put this off until we got back from vacation...and Kale could have had an attack in the Dominican and nobody would have known what to do. He could have died in paradise.
My brother could be dead.
But he's not.
And he won't be.
And that makes me happier than I have been in a long time.
I suppose I should be happy.
I mean, he's going to be fine.
Just some surgery. On his heart. And everything will be a-OK.
Ignore the fact that it turns out...whenever he's had a seizure....his heart stops for ten seconds.
Ten seconds.
Ten seconds of no oxygen to his brain.
The brain dies in 5 seconds without oxygen.
Ten. Seconds.
And this hasn't just happened once.
It's happened at least 4 times.
And the doctors think it happens in his sleep.
He had an attack yesterday at the hospital while they were doing tests. That's why they kept him overnight, to see if his heart does it regularly.
He goes in this morning for the surgery. He's getting fitted with a pacemaker--my twelve-year-old brother, a pacemaker.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere.
We went to this hospital last night to see him. He's in ICU.
Its so hard, seeing him with all the electrodes and the IV and the saline drip in his hand. We brought him pj's and movies and stuff, since he'll be in there until at least Friday. I made up a CD wallet for him. Snuck Blink in there for him, since I know he loves them and Mom doesn't like him listening to them.
We stayed until about 9:30, then said goodnight. I started crying again, so I left his part of the room and punched a wall until my hand hurt.
God, its so hard.
But we are so lucky.
So many things could have gone differently. My brother could be dead, now, died in his sleep or on the ice. We could have put this off until we got back from vacation...and Kale could have had an attack in the Dominican and nobody would have known what to do. He could have died in paradise.
My brother could be dead.
But he's not.
And he won't be.
And that makes me happier than I have been in a long time.
1.27.2004
Can I Be Buried Here Among The Dead?
......
I don't know how to start this entry without being completely irrational.
So I'll just say what I need to say in the hopes that my sanity will remain intact for the duration.
Fuck. Ok.
So Kale [younger brother] has been having weird seizures lately. He went into the hospital today for some blood work and a few tests--nothing big, just some standard procedures. My parents were supposed to bring him home around 12.
Something...
...came up in the tests.
He's staying overnight.
What I've gathered from Blaire is that...a nerve in his heart that connects to his brain...
. . . .
Fuck. I don't know.
Something's wrong with it.
And my parents won't tell us what's really happening. Blaire can't get a straight answer from either of them. But apparently something in my dad's voice gave Blaire the impression that there's more to this than what they're telling.
I'm so scared.
This can't be happening. Please, just let my brother be ok.
I don't think I could take this right now.
I am so scared.
......
I don't know how to start this entry without being completely irrational.
So I'll just say what I need to say in the hopes that my sanity will remain intact for the duration.
Fuck. Ok.
So Kale [younger brother] has been having weird seizures lately. He went into the hospital today for some blood work and a few tests--nothing big, just some standard procedures. My parents were supposed to bring him home around 12.
Something...
...came up in the tests.
He's staying overnight.
What I've gathered from Blaire is that...a nerve in his heart that connects to his brain...
. . . .
Fuck. I don't know.
Something's wrong with it.
And my parents won't tell us what's really happening. Blaire can't get a straight answer from either of them. But apparently something in my dad's voice gave Blaire the impression that there's more to this than what they're telling.
I'm so scared.
This can't be happening. Please, just let my brother be ok.
I don't think I could take this right now.
I am so scared.
Pierre The Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
******************************************
I'm sorry. I had to share that. Jodi gets the best email-jokes.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: nomilk's blog
days until DR: 9
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
******************************************
I'm sorry. I had to share that. Jodi gets the best email-jokes.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: nomilk's blog
days until DR: 9
With Every Wish It's Hit Or Miss Her
Holy crap its cold.
I think I've regained feeling in my thighs....maybe.
I have Coheed and Cambria's "The Light & The Glass" stuck in my head.
Aw fuck its cold. And I have to go out today, too....
Tanning tonight.
Hopefully I can see the boyfriend.
Cuz that would just rock.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: nomilk's blog
days until DR: 9
Holy crap its cold.
I think I've regained feeling in my thighs....maybe.
I have Coheed and Cambria's "The Light & The Glass" stuck in my head.
Aw fuck its cold. And I have to go out today, too....
Tanning tonight.
Hopefully I can see the boyfriend.
Cuz that would just rock.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: nomilk's blog
days until DR: 9
1.26.2004
My Name Is Faithless, And I Don't Care If I Ever Sleep Again
I need to stop asking for things.
I asked for the bone-chilling cold of January, and I'll be damned if I didn't get it.
I asked for responsibility and a chance to prove myself, and I think I just fucked up again.
I asked for a kickass camera, and now I have too many pictures to know what to do with.
I asked for something of value, and now I have no idea how to treat him.
I asked for a perfect subject, but now I'm too frightened to take the picture.
Sometimes prayers are answered. But the answer isn't exactly what you expected it to be.
Life is weird like that. Like, really weird. Like the kind of weird where you . . . . I don't know, I've lost my train of thought.
Damn Will and his calling me on my cell phone.
*insert 10 minute conversation about Blockbuster acronyms and broken cars here*
It's so cool how we can talk about nothing at all in such a long space of time. This whole fledgling relationship is so weird...but a good weird, not like the kind of weird where you know your boyfriend dresses up like a woman and gets drunk on Halloween. I kid, I kid.
But man. I think I started this entry in a kind of depressed, angsty mood. But since he has this peculiar way of making me less obnoxiously sullen, I feel better.
Plus the pop-princess strains of Avril do wonders for my moods.
Am falling in love all over again with my CD collection. Coheed and Cambria? Fuck yes.
I can't believe I didn't buy JEW - Clarity before. Good christ. That's a good "good christ". Mmmm.
Must burn the "Songs For Driving" mix this week.
Did I mention how cool this is? This is cool.
I'm actually in a better mood.
I think I'm going to go watch Finding Nemo.
entry playlist
1. Vertical Horizon - You're A God
2. Something Corporate - Globes And Maps
3. Savage Garden - I Don't Know You Anymore
4. Sum 41 - What We're All About
5. Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Fool
6. Fuel - Bad Day
blog o' the day: tara's blog
days until DR: 10
I need to stop asking for things.
I asked for the bone-chilling cold of January, and I'll be damned if I didn't get it.
I asked for responsibility and a chance to prove myself, and I think I just fucked up again.
I asked for a kickass camera, and now I have too many pictures to know what to do with.
I asked for something of value, and now I have no idea how to treat him.
I asked for a perfect subject, but now I'm too frightened to take the picture.
Sometimes prayers are answered. But the answer isn't exactly what you expected it to be.
Life is weird like that. Like, really weird. Like the kind of weird where you . . . . I don't know, I've lost my train of thought.
Damn Will and his calling me on my cell phone.
*insert 10 minute conversation about Blockbuster acronyms and broken cars here*
It's so cool how we can talk about nothing at all in such a long space of time. This whole fledgling relationship is so weird...but a good weird, not like the kind of weird where you know your boyfriend dresses up like a woman and gets drunk on Halloween. I kid, I kid.
But man. I think I started this entry in a kind of depressed, angsty mood. But since he has this peculiar way of making me less obnoxiously sullen, I feel better.
Plus the pop-princess strains of Avril do wonders for my moods.
Am falling in love all over again with my CD collection. Coheed and Cambria? Fuck yes.
I can't believe I didn't buy JEW - Clarity before. Good christ. That's a good "good christ". Mmmm.
Must burn the "Songs For Driving" mix this week.
Did I mention how cool this is? This is cool.
I'm actually in a better mood.
I think I'm going to go watch Finding Nemo.
entry playlist
1. Vertical Horizon - You're A God
2. Something Corporate - Globes And Maps
3. Savage Garden - I Don't Know You Anymore
4. Sum 41 - What We're All About
5. Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Fool
6. Fuel - Bad Day
blog o' the day: tara's blog
days until DR: 10
Clarity
Five more days until Jodi gets back.
I just hope I don't drown in self-loathing and fear of fucking up by then. If I had known that it's possible to be this scared and not be facing a pack of rabid weasels, I probably wouldn't have accepted this month.
I wish the world would just stop.
I have been doing a lot of wishing lately.
At least I got to see Will today. I took his sushi virginity. Whee! But on a more serious note, I was able to apologise for blurting out the Magic Five on Saturday night. There was a bigger point to that than just "here's what I like in a guy, sorry you don't have any of it." What I was supposed to finish off with was "That's what I wanted, thats what I once got, and man was I disappointed."
That the Magic Five was more of a.....fantasy than anything else. With no bearing in the real world. And I felt like shit after realising that I hadn't explained that to him.
But I think he understands now. And if not, this entry should clear things up.
I didn't want to come back to work. I wanted to just leave with him. I'm hoping he can get out of work tonight...even if his car won't start, so I won't see him anyways. I'll feel better knowing he didn't have to work.
I have also decided that mauling in elevators has become a specialty of mine. A trademark, if you will.
entry playlist
1. Jimmy Eat World - Lucky Denver Mint
2. Jimmy Eat World - Goodbye Sky Harbor [16:11!!!]
blog o' the day: tara's blog
days until DR: 10
Five more days until Jodi gets back.
I just hope I don't drown in self-loathing and fear of fucking up by then. If I had known that it's possible to be this scared and not be facing a pack of rabid weasels, I probably wouldn't have accepted this month.
I wish the world would just stop.
I have been doing a lot of wishing lately.
At least I got to see Will today. I took his sushi virginity. Whee! But on a more serious note, I was able to apologise for blurting out the Magic Five on Saturday night. There was a bigger point to that than just "here's what I like in a guy, sorry you don't have any of it." What I was supposed to finish off with was "That's what I wanted, thats what I once got, and man was I disappointed."
That the Magic Five was more of a.....fantasy than anything else. With no bearing in the real world. And I felt like shit after realising that I hadn't explained that to him.
But I think he understands now. And if not, this entry should clear things up.
I didn't want to come back to work. I wanted to just leave with him. I'm hoping he can get out of work tonight...even if his car won't start, so I won't see him anyways. I'll feel better knowing he didn't have to work.
I have also decided that mauling in elevators has become a specialty of mine. A trademark, if you will.
entry playlist
1. Jimmy Eat World - Lucky Denver Mint
2. Jimmy Eat World - Goodbye Sky Harbor [16:11!!!]
blog o' the day: tara's blog
days until DR: 10
Nothing that makes sense ever works out.
I'm sorry.
Hopefully by the time you read this, I've explained myself in person.
But in case I haven't....
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Hopefully by the time you read this, I've explained myself in person.
But in case I haven't....
I'm sorry.
1.25.2004
Did You Know I Miss You?
Download "Konstantine" by Something Corporate.
That is all.
Oh, and this:
...................................
You know what?
Never mind.
Download "Konstantine" by Something Corporate.
That is all.
Oh, and this:
...................................
You know what?
Never mind.
Hold Your Breath And Pray For Morning
I wish I loved in California.
I wish I lived in Melbourne.
I wish I was anywhere but here, but most of all I wish I wasn't feeling so alone.
Winter sunsets make me feel severed and cold. I'm dreaming of the Ides of March.
Ice blue white-pink pale yellow bands collapsing in the horizon.
Ever noticed how the snow can seem the color of spring skies?
I've written myself into a corner. I've written myself into a depressed mood for no good reason.
Ryan's party. My first liquor store experience. It took me too long to remember who Chris Rothmyer was. And Brandon Clark. I called him Brendon far too much. Some much-needed "alone" time.
Laz shoved snow down my pants after I pushed him into a snowbank as a pre-emptive strike. He was planning on pelting me with snowballs. Melissa also threw snowballs at me. And Lesley with her bloody water glass.
"I know what it means: you got me. We're not sick, we just need it on the weekends...by Monday it's gone. I used to think I was invisible; beside you I'd crumble. You wait for it, you wait for it, you wait for it and it's gone. And you wake up and nobody knows that I loved you, buried alive."
Getting home at 2:30. Not wanting to go inside.
I wish I wasn't such a chicken around him. I wish I knew when to keep my thoughts to myself. I wish I knew what to say to people, instead of always blurting out the wrong things. I wish there was no such thing as going home, only going further.
I wish I wish I wish . . . . . . . . . .
I put "Something Corporate - Songs For Silent Movies" on order at HMV Friday night. It's costing me 35$, but oh well. I'm getting this:
1. Punk Rock Princess (International Radio Edit)
2. Little
3. Konstatine
4. Walking By
5. Forget December
6. I Want To Save You (Acoustic)
7. Straw Dog (Live In London)
8. Punk Rock Princess (Video)
9. I Woke Up In A Car (Video)
10. Straw Dog (Live In London) (Video)
11. Punk Rock Princess (Live In London)
I'm getting fucking Konstantine on a CD. THIS IS AWESOME.
According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...
Take the test, by Emily.
It's 5 PM. Snow and sky are the same shade of blue...I miss the color green.
I think I'd be happier if I could go back in time to last night.
How many times have I said that lately?
I hate getting drunk with sober people. I start telling stories and then never finish them because I can tell they're getting bored with me.
Good night, good morning...
This time of year it all looks the same.
entry playlist
1. Matthew Good Band - Waiting For The Great Destruction
2. Incubus - Megalomaniac
3. Matthew Good Band - Jenni's Song
4. Matthew Good Band- Life Beyond The Minimum Safe Distance
5. Fuel - Bad Day
6. Matthew Good Band - Apparitions [Acoutic]
7. Matthew Good Band - Prime Time Deliverance
8. Matthew Good Band - Generation X-Wing
blog of the day: shawn's blog
days until DR: 11
I wish I loved in California.
I wish I lived in Melbourne.
I wish I was anywhere but here, but most of all I wish I wasn't feeling so alone.
Winter sunsets make me feel severed and cold. I'm dreaming of the Ides of March.
Ice blue white-pink pale yellow bands collapsing in the horizon.
Ever noticed how the snow can seem the color of spring skies?
I've written myself into a corner. I've written myself into a depressed mood for no good reason.
Ryan's party. My first liquor store experience. It took me too long to remember who Chris Rothmyer was. And Brandon Clark. I called him Brendon far too much. Some much-needed "alone" time.
Laz shoved snow down my pants after I pushed him into a snowbank as a pre-emptive strike. He was planning on pelting me with snowballs. Melissa also threw snowballs at me. And Lesley with her bloody water glass.
"I know what it means: you got me. We're not sick, we just need it on the weekends...by Monday it's gone. I used to think I was invisible; beside you I'd crumble. You wait for it, you wait for it, you wait for it and it's gone. And you wake up and nobody knows that I loved you, buried alive."
Getting home at 2:30. Not wanting to go inside.
I wish I wasn't such a chicken around him. I wish I knew when to keep my thoughts to myself. I wish I knew what to say to people, instead of always blurting out the wrong things. I wish there was no such thing as going home, only going further.
I wish I wish I wish . . . . . . . . . .
I put "Something Corporate - Songs For Silent Movies" on order at HMV Friday night. It's costing me 35$, but oh well. I'm getting this:
1. Punk Rock Princess (International Radio Edit)
2. Little
3. Konstatine
4. Walking By
5. Forget December
6. I Want To Save You (Acoustic)
7. Straw Dog (Live In London)
8. Punk Rock Princess (Video)
9. I Woke Up In A Car (Video)
10. Straw Dog (Live In London) (Video)
11. Punk Rock Princess (Live In London)
I'm getting fucking Konstantine on a CD. THIS IS AWESOME.
According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...
Take the test, by Emily.
It's 5 PM. Snow and sky are the same shade of blue...I miss the color green.
I think I'd be happier if I could go back in time to last night.
How many times have I said that lately?
I hate getting drunk with sober people. I start telling stories and then never finish them because I can tell they're getting bored with me.
Good night, good morning...
This time of year it all looks the same.
entry playlist
1. Matthew Good Band - Waiting For The Great Destruction
2. Incubus - Megalomaniac
3. Matthew Good Band - Jenni's Song
4. Matthew Good Band- Life Beyond The Minimum Safe Distance
5. Fuel - Bad Day
6. Matthew Good Band - Apparitions [Acoutic]
7. Matthew Good Band - Prime Time Deliverance
8. Matthew Good Band - Generation X-Wing
blog of the day: shawn's blog
days until DR: 11
1.24.2004
I Wished For Things That I Don't Need... [All I Wanted]
"And what I chase won't set me free..." [it's all i wanted...]
Hey guys.
Where the hell did I think I was?
So...good news and bad news, and a funny story.
Funny story? Finally went out with Graham last night to BP's. I kind of ended up ditching him to go out with Will around 9ish....but oh well.
The dinner last night was...interesting. It made me realise a lot of things. Mainly how past is past. Once it goes there, it can never come back.
And I'm sitting there, listening to him spout off about how he doesn't really like his girlfriend anymore, he's just going out with her now because he doesn't want to hurt her. I'm sorry, but that just pissed me off. Men are retarded. No--scratch that--boys are retarded. God.
But that's a rant I'll save for another entry, because my time after Graham is what this entry should really be about.
Yup. Very good time. Got home at 2. But it felt like I only spent an hour with him. The fact that it took half an hour to actually get in the car...is awesome.
Because...yeah.
I'll admit, I've been having my own doubts. Like if I'm just something to occupy the time with. Or a "temp". Or any of those things that I usually am to guys [aka being used...] with whom things seem to go well.
I don't know why I'm worried. We figured things out last night, as far as "us" goes. So...I guess I shouldn't be worried. Or scared. Or doing all those things I normally do when I start out. I shouldn't expect too much from him, because then I won't be let down. I'm such a pessimist.
Scratch that. I'm such a nervous, insecure, underconfident ball of teenage angst.
I wish I knew more about how he felt/thought about me. I wish I'd been able to sleep last night instead of being all wound up with thoughts and the feeling of the hickey I wasn't supposed to get. Yes, you heard me. So much for my "no hickies on the neck" rule.
But it's just a small one. So I might get away with it. Here's to hoping.
I'm supposed to go out tonight. Parties and such.
I'm just hoping I get to see him tonight.
*cough*loserloserloserloserloserloserloserloser*cough*
Oh well.
entry playlist
1. Goo Goo Dolls - Sympathy
2. Matchbox Twenty - Bent
3. The Used - A Box Of Sharp Objects
4. Blink 182 - The Rock Show
5. Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life
6. Goldfinger - 99 Red Balloons
7. Dashboard Confessional - Saints And Sailors
8. New Found Glory - All About Her
blog of the day: sarah's blog
days until DR: 12
"And what I chase won't set me free..." [it's all i wanted...]
Hey guys.
Where the hell did I think I was?
So...good news and bad news, and a funny story.
Funny story? Finally went out with Graham last night to BP's. I kind of ended up ditching him to go out with Will around 9ish....but oh well.
The dinner last night was...interesting. It made me realise a lot of things. Mainly how past is past. Once it goes there, it can never come back.
And I'm sitting there, listening to him spout off about how he doesn't really like his girlfriend anymore, he's just going out with her now because he doesn't want to hurt her. I'm sorry, but that just pissed me off. Men are retarded. No--scratch that--boys are retarded. God.
But that's a rant I'll save for another entry, because my time after Graham is what this entry should really be about.
Yup. Very good time. Got home at 2. But it felt like I only spent an hour with him. The fact that it took half an hour to actually get in the car...is awesome.
Because...yeah.
I'll admit, I've been having my own doubts. Like if I'm just something to occupy the time with. Or a "temp". Or any of those things that I usually am to guys [aka being used...] with whom things seem to go well.
I don't know why I'm worried. We figured things out last night, as far as "us" goes. So...I guess I shouldn't be worried. Or scared. Or doing all those things I normally do when I start out. I shouldn't expect too much from him, because then I won't be let down. I'm such a pessimist.
Scratch that. I'm such a nervous, insecure, underconfident ball of teenage angst.
I wish I knew more about how he felt/thought about me. I wish I'd been able to sleep last night instead of being all wound up with thoughts and the feeling of the hickey I wasn't supposed to get. Yes, you heard me. So much for my "no hickies on the neck" rule.
But it's just a small one. So I might get away with it. Here's to hoping.
I'm supposed to go out tonight. Parties and such.
I'm just hoping I get to see him tonight.
*cough*loserloserloserloserloserloserloserloser*cough*
Oh well.
entry playlist
1. Goo Goo Dolls - Sympathy
2. Matchbox Twenty - Bent
3. The Used - A Box Of Sharp Objects
4. Blink 182 - The Rock Show
5. Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life
6. Goldfinger - 99 Red Balloons
7. Dashboard Confessional - Saints And Sailors
8. New Found Glory - All About Her
blog of the day: sarah's blog
days until DR: 12
1.23.2004
Because I'm A Nerd
Here's what you do, you copy and paste the list and then you bold the movies you've seen. [I challenge you all on this!]
1. X-Men
2. The Craft
3. X2
4. Swimfan
5. Fellowship of the Ring
6. Finding Nemo
7. Peter Pan [animated]
8. Home Alone
9. Aladdin
10. The Ring
11. 10 Things I Hate About You
12. Not Another Teen Movie
13. Spiceworld
14. 8 Mile
15. Bambi
16. Pirates of the Carribean
17. Edward Scissorhands
18. Stepmom [i cried...]
19. My Best Friends Wedding
20. 101 Dalmatians
21. Scream
22. Scream 2
23. Scream 3
24. Big Daddy
25. Billy Madison
26. Chamber of Secrets
27. Sorcerer Stone
28. Heartbreakers
29. Dumb & Dumber
30. Cruel Intentions
31. Scary Movie
32. Look Who's Talking
33. Blade
34. Blade II
35. O
36. Titanic
37. Carrie
38. Carrie 2: The Rage
39. Daddy Day Care
40. Legally Blonde
41. Austin Powers
42. Storm of the Century
43. Oliver and Company
44. Two Towers
45. Return of the King
46. Mighty Ducks
47. Fast and the Furious
48. 2Fast, 2 Furious
49. A Walk To Remember
50. xXx
51. Beauty and the Beast
52. I Know What You Did Last Summer
53. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
54. Sound of Music
55. Mary Poppins
56. Tuck Everlasting
57. The Patriot
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Teaching Mrs. Tingle
60. Crossroads
61. Now and Then
62. Pearl Harbor
63. Just Married
64. Cast Away
65. Radio Flyer
66. Final Destination
67. Lady and the Tramp
68. Shallow Hal
69. 40 Days and 40 Nights
70. Bring It On
71. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
72. The Outsiders
73. The Matrix
74. Perfect Storm
75. Austin Powers 2
76. Never Been Kissed
77. Clueless
78. Bruce Almighty
79. Remember the Titans
81. Girl, Interrupted
82. SWAT
83. Sixth Sense
84. PhoneBooth
85. The Lion King
86. Urban Legends
87. Nightflier
88. Lion King 2
89. Little Mermaid
90. American Pie
91. Center Stage
92. Scooby Doo
93. Bedazzled
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl
97. American Beauty
98. Romeo & Juliet
99. Lost World
100. Casper
entry playlist
1. Elliott - Voices
2. Elliott - Speed of Film
3. Elliott - Carving Oswego
4. *whirring sounds of CDs being burned*
blog of the day: kara's blog
days until DR: 13
Here's what you do, you copy and paste the list and then you bold the movies you've seen. [I challenge you all on this!]
1. X-Men
2. The Craft
3. X2
4. Swimfan
5. Fellowship of the Ring
6. Finding Nemo
7. Peter Pan [animated]
8. Home Alone
9. Aladdin
10. The Ring
11. 10 Things I Hate About You
12. Not Another Teen Movie
13. Spiceworld
14. 8 Mile
15. Bambi
16. Pirates of the Carribean
17. Edward Scissorhands
18. Stepmom [i cried...]
19. My Best Friends Wedding
20. 101 Dalmatians
21. Scream
22. Scream 2
23. Scream 3
24. Big Daddy
25. Billy Madison
26. Chamber of Secrets
27. Sorcerer Stone
28. Heartbreakers
29. Dumb & Dumber
30. Cruel Intentions
31. Scary Movie
32. Look Who's Talking
33. Blade
34. Blade II
35. O
36. Titanic
37. Carrie
38. Carrie 2: The Rage
39. Daddy Day Care
40. Legally Blonde
41. Austin Powers
42. Storm of the Century
43. Oliver and Company
44. Two Towers
45. Return of the King
46. Mighty Ducks
47. Fast and the Furious
48. 2Fast, 2 Furious
49. A Walk To Remember
50. xXx
51. Beauty and the Beast
52. I Know What You Did Last Summer
53. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
54. Sound of Music
55. Mary Poppins
56. Tuck Everlasting
57. The Patriot
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Teaching Mrs. Tingle
60. Crossroads
61. Now and Then
62. Pearl Harbor
63. Just Married
64. Cast Away
65. Radio Flyer
66. Final Destination
67. Lady and the Tramp
68. Shallow Hal
69. 40 Days and 40 Nights
70. Bring It On
71. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
72. The Outsiders
73. The Matrix
74. Perfect Storm
75. Austin Powers 2
76. Never Been Kissed
77. Clueless
78. Bruce Almighty
79. Remember the Titans
81. Girl, Interrupted
82. SWAT
83. Sixth Sense
84. PhoneBooth
85. The Lion King
86. Urban Legends
87. Nightflier
88. Lion King 2
89. Little Mermaid
90. American Pie
91. Center Stage
92. Scooby Doo
93. Bedazzled
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl
97. American Beauty
98. Romeo & Juliet
99. Lost World
100. Casper
entry playlist
1. Elliott - Voices
2. Elliott - Speed of Film
3. Elliott - Carving Oswego
4. *whirring sounds of CDs being burned*
blog of the day: kara's blog
days until DR: 13
Apology
Hi honey. I know that you're not very happy with me today and I do apologize for the outburst this morning. You're right - it's not great to start your day being yelled at and that's how yours started.
I hope your day goes better than it began. I wasn't happy about what time you got home last night and I had a lousy sleep. I didn't hear you come in and woke up at about 1 thinking you still weren't home. I do still worry about you even though I know you're 18 and a responsible young woman who endeavours to make good choices (at least that's what I hope!) I am glad you were able to see your friends from work last night and I know it wasn't like 3 or 4 in the morning when you got home. I just like to have you home sometimes. I feel you are too busy sometimes and need some time just to relax.
I love you very much and hope you aren't too angry with me anymore.
Love, Mom
-----------------
....k....
maybe I shouldn't be too mad anymore.
Hi honey. I know that you're not very happy with me today and I do apologize for the outburst this morning. You're right - it's not great to start your day being yelled at and that's how yours started.
I hope your day goes better than it began. I wasn't happy about what time you got home last night and I had a lousy sleep. I didn't hear you come in and woke up at about 1 thinking you still weren't home. I do still worry about you even though I know you're 18 and a responsible young woman who endeavours to make good choices (at least that's what I hope!) I am glad you were able to see your friends from work last night and I know it wasn't like 3 or 4 in the morning when you got home. I just like to have you home sometimes. I feel you are too busy sometimes and need some time just to relax.
I love you very much and hope you aren't too angry with me anymore.
Love, Mom
-----------------
....k....
maybe I shouldn't be too mad anymore.
Alison's Survey
What would you do if:
You could change your name: I wouldn't.
You could travel anywhere for a week: go to Africa
You were kidnapped by two large black men: Outsmart them and escape!
You asked someone how far along they were and they weren't pregnant: Say something like "I meant with the diet."
You could only live for a day: Try to live.
Your house caught fire: grab my CD wallet and get my family out
You went deaf: die.
You had a stalker: be impressed. I want a stalker!
Would you rather..
Be a rapist or a murderer: Murderer
Live 10 years less or have a stub for an arm: 10 years less
Be a liposuctionist or a mechanic: Mechanic!
Die of drowning or dehydration: drowning
Fall in love knowing you will be separated or not fall in love at all: I'd say not at all, but you all know how that would turn out....
Be ugly or fat: define "fat"
Be dead of emotion or sad all the time: sad
Be deaf or mute: definetly mute. I never have anything good to say anyway.
Live on the moon or under the sea: mooooon.
Be too hot all the time or too cold all the time: too hot. i hate being cold.
What's your favorite...and why?
Color?: blue, because...well, i dont know.
Age?: 18 frickin ROCKS. Booze!
USA State?: California. Mmmm, idiots.
Body part?: I like backs...something to do with the muscle sculpture.
Band?: *laughs* Matthew Good Band. Lyrics.
Genre?: Punk and emo-core, because i just do.
Food?: sushi, because i like seafood.
Fruit Flavor?: berries. dont know why.
Store?: music stores, because i love music
Accessory?: Yellowcard hoodie, because ITS YELLOWCARD.
Cartoon Character?: Calvin & Hobbes. have since i was 8.
Person?: James from Subway, aka Al. [this is a me/mel joke...]
Holiday?: Christmas!
Season?: summer
Weather?: thunderstorms
Weekday?: Saturday
Are you...
Racist: nope
Pretty/Handsome: oh im hot. not.
Political: a little
Opinionated: very
Loveable: like a puppy! err....maybe. no, not really.
Friendly: i try to be
Sexy: nope
Trendsetting: not intentionally!
Intelligent: above average
Finish the sentence..
Get your hands off my: CD wallet
I love it when you: let me rant
Remember that time we: stole signs?
Let's go: move to Toronto.
Why don't you just: shut up and get over it?
I told you to stop: asking me that!
I really love your: voice
entry playlist
1. Elliott - Carving Oswego
2. Elliott - Speed of Film
3. Elliott - Lipstick Stigmata
blog of the day: kara's blog
days until DR: 13
What would you do if:
You could change your name: I wouldn't.
You could travel anywhere for a week: go to Africa
You were kidnapped by two large black men: Outsmart them and escape!
You asked someone how far along they were and they weren't pregnant: Say something like "I meant with the diet."
You could only live for a day: Try to live.
Your house caught fire: grab my CD wallet and get my family out
You went deaf: die.
You had a stalker: be impressed. I want a stalker!
Would you rather..
Be a rapist or a murderer: Murderer
Live 10 years less or have a stub for an arm: 10 years less
Be a liposuctionist or a mechanic: Mechanic!
Die of drowning or dehydration: drowning
Fall in love knowing you will be separated or not fall in love at all: I'd say not at all, but you all know how that would turn out....
Be ugly or fat: define "fat"
Be dead of emotion or sad all the time: sad
Be deaf or mute: definetly mute. I never have anything good to say anyway.
Live on the moon or under the sea: mooooon.
Be too hot all the time or too cold all the time: too hot. i hate being cold.
What's your favorite...and why?
Color?: blue, because...well, i dont know.
Age?: 18 frickin ROCKS. Booze!
USA State?: California. Mmmm, idiots.
Body part?: I like backs...something to do with the muscle sculpture.
Band?: *laughs* Matthew Good Band. Lyrics.
Genre?: Punk and emo-core, because i just do.
Food?: sushi, because i like seafood.
Fruit Flavor?: berries. dont know why.
Store?: music stores, because i love music
Accessory?: Yellowcard hoodie, because ITS YELLOWCARD.
Cartoon Character?: Calvin & Hobbes. have since i was 8.
Person?: James from Subway, aka Al. [this is a me/mel joke...]
Holiday?: Christmas!
Season?: summer
Weather?: thunderstorms
Weekday?: Saturday
Are you...
Racist: nope
Pretty/Handsome: oh im hot. not.
Political: a little
Opinionated: very
Loveable: like a puppy! err....maybe. no, not really.
Friendly: i try to be
Sexy: nope
Trendsetting: not intentionally!
Intelligent: above average
Finish the sentence..
Get your hands off my: CD wallet
I love it when you: let me rant
Remember that time we: stole signs?
Let's go: move to Toronto.
Why don't you just: shut up and get over it?
I told you to stop: asking me that!
I really love your: voice
entry playlist
1. Elliott - Carving Oswego
2. Elliott - Speed of Film
3. Elliott - Lipstick Stigmata
blog of the day: kara's blog
days until DR: 13
Militarized Zone
My house is back to being a war zone.
I went to Moxies after work last night with Donna and Cori [Will came later] for food because we were all starving. I told my mom I wasn't going to be late--apparently our definitions of "late" don't exactly jive.
She called me when I was in the restaurant at about 10:45. "Are you coming home yet?" "We're almost done..."
Driving to Deer Run at 11:15 to pick up Will's cousin from work, my phone rings again. "Why aren't you home?" "I'll be home in a little bit."
"Well we're having a discussion tomorrow, because I am SICK and TIRED of this blah blah blah blah."
Whatever. She hangs up on me--my mom's soooo mature--and I get upset because I hate being yelled at for no good reason. Which, in turn, kills my good mood for the night and makes Will feel like he has to drag me out of my Depression Pit in 15 minutes flat. You don't, by the way. I prefer to wallow in my own misery for a few days. So anyways.
We wait for his cousin to come out and talk for a bit. Decide to go to Banff on Sunday as a substitute for my burning need to fucking escape. Head home, get in at about 11:50. Go to bed.
Get up this morning--I'd like to point out that my mom slept in, but I got up on my own--get ready, whatever.
So I'm eating breakfast, she comes downstairs, and BAM.
"I'm not happy with you this morning, miss. I'm sick and tired of you coming in late. There's other people who have to get up in this house besides you and nobody appreciates getting woken up by you when you come in. Do you want a curfew? You never had one in high school. You're 18 years old, do you want a curfew?"
She was yelling. She must have held her petty little grudge all night. Bitch.
Then she starts in on me about my clothes that I wore today. I just ignore her, until finally I can't take it anymore.
"Would you just leave me alone? God, you're the most petty woman I've ever met. Just close your door when you go to sleep. I get up in the morning no matter what I did the night before. Just leave me alone."
Meanwhile, she's followed me into the mudroom where I'm getting ready to leave.
"What is your problem?" [this is her] "Did you have a bad night?"
And suddenly I just want to kill her, because I can tell by the look on her face that she hopes I had a bad night, that I fought with Will or whatever, or that I got in shit at work or got food poisoning. I can tell that she's hoping something bad happened to me so that she can gloat. That the fact I had a bad night was a direct result of me staying out too late. But I wasn't going to let her have that.
"No, actually, I had a great night." Turn. Slam door. Open garage, head out.
But of course, my mom's too fucking petty to just leave it at that. She closes the garage door on me, locking me in. "YOU GET BACK HERE UNTIL I'M FINISHED WITH YOU!"
"I'm going to be late, Mom, so unless you want to drive me, open the door."
"NO. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT."
Actually, yeah, I do, when you just don't know when to shut up.
Whatever. I let her yell and then told her that if I'm late to work and its her fault, she can find me another job.
She opened the garage door about two feet and I ducked out of there as fast as my inflammed, fucked-up knee would allow me.
So....
Now I don't know if I'm going to be able to do ANYTHING this weekend, even though I don't work Sunday [at all. Whoo!] or Saturday morning. Fuck it. I'm going to Banff. My only regret is that I have work on Monday. Otherwise, I'd totally check into a hotel and spend the night. If for no other reason that to piss off my mom.
I really, really wish I was 24.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: kara's blog
days until DR: 13
My house is back to being a war zone.
I went to Moxies after work last night with Donna and Cori [Will came later] for food because we were all starving. I told my mom I wasn't going to be late--apparently our definitions of "late" don't exactly jive.
She called me when I was in the restaurant at about 10:45. "Are you coming home yet?" "We're almost done..."
Driving to Deer Run at 11:15 to pick up Will's cousin from work, my phone rings again. "Why aren't you home?" "I'll be home in a little bit."
"Well we're having a discussion tomorrow, because I am SICK and TIRED of this blah blah blah blah."
Whatever. She hangs up on me--my mom's soooo mature--and I get upset because I hate being yelled at for no good reason. Which, in turn, kills my good mood for the night and makes Will feel like he has to drag me out of my Depression Pit in 15 minutes flat. You don't, by the way. I prefer to wallow in my own misery for a few days. So anyways.
We wait for his cousin to come out and talk for a bit. Decide to go to Banff on Sunday as a substitute for my burning need to fucking escape. Head home, get in at about 11:50. Go to bed.
Get up this morning--I'd like to point out that my mom slept in, but I got up on my own--get ready, whatever.
So I'm eating breakfast, she comes downstairs, and BAM.
"I'm not happy with you this morning, miss. I'm sick and tired of you coming in late. There's other people who have to get up in this house besides you and nobody appreciates getting woken up by you when you come in. Do you want a curfew? You never had one in high school. You're 18 years old, do you want a curfew?"
She was yelling. She must have held her petty little grudge all night. Bitch.
Then she starts in on me about my clothes that I wore today. I just ignore her, until finally I can't take it anymore.
"Would you just leave me alone? God, you're the most petty woman I've ever met. Just close your door when you go to sleep. I get up in the morning no matter what I did the night before. Just leave me alone."
Meanwhile, she's followed me into the mudroom where I'm getting ready to leave.
"What is your problem?" [this is her] "Did you have a bad night?"
And suddenly I just want to kill her, because I can tell by the look on her face that she hopes I had a bad night, that I fought with Will or whatever, or that I got in shit at work or got food poisoning. I can tell that she's hoping something bad happened to me so that she can gloat. That the fact I had a bad night was a direct result of me staying out too late. But I wasn't going to let her have that.
"No, actually, I had a great night." Turn. Slam door. Open garage, head out.
But of course, my mom's too fucking petty to just leave it at that. She closes the garage door on me, locking me in. "YOU GET BACK HERE UNTIL I'M FINISHED WITH YOU!"
"I'm going to be late, Mom, so unless you want to drive me, open the door."
"NO. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT."
Actually, yeah, I do, when you just don't know when to shut up.
Whatever. I let her yell and then told her that if I'm late to work and its her fault, she can find me another job.
She opened the garage door about two feet and I ducked out of there as fast as my inflammed, fucked-up knee would allow me.
So....
Now I don't know if I'm going to be able to do ANYTHING this weekend, even though I don't work Sunday [at all. Whoo!] or Saturday morning. Fuck it. I'm going to Banff. My only regret is that I have work on Monday. Otherwise, I'd totally check into a hotel and spend the night. If for no other reason that to piss off my mom.
I really, really wish I was 24.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: kara's blog
days until DR: 13
1.22.2004
37 Fucks
Two weeks today. And then I finally get some time off.
"Why do you work so much?"
*pause*
"That's a good question. I guess because I'm greedy."
Renegade speak good english. "If by greedy you mean hot...then you're definetly greedy."
ANYWAYS....
I had an awesome time last night, which is getting a bit repetative, because every time I see him I end up having an awesome time. God, just once I'd like to go on a date that was actually The Worst Date Ever, instead of me just pretending it was. [be careful what you wish for...]
Kidding, kidding. Oh man I'm funny. But you know what's not funny? Jokes about band kids. Not so funny. Tsk tsk. Stopping now.
If you haven't seen Big Fish yet, I highly recommend you go and watch it. I fucking CRIED. I hate crying in front of people...especially about movies. I always cry during movies, but I hate doing it. I'm a creature of strange habits. But now for the real news...
I HAVE HAD THE WORST DAY THUS FAR.
My awesome ride/session home last night made me [foolishly. ha!] think that today would be just as awesome. It was, until about...oh...9:25.
I got here at 8:30.
JL now has no more Advil in the cabinet.
ARRRRRRRRRG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *profuse swearing has been removed*
The color photocopier/scanner broke. Fuck. We need the scanner to scan documents which are supposed to be in France by...oh...1 PM our time...so fuck again.
Wire transfer didn't go through. Fuck #3. Revenue Canada is a bitch. Fuck numero 4. Credit cards have to be paid. Fuck 5. I have a SHITLOAD of PAPER that I have NO IDEA what to do with. I'm drowning in photocopies. I hate stupid people. Fucks 6 thru 24.
I still have to get to the fucking bank. Fuck 25. I have something else highly important to do while I'm out, but I can't remember what it is. Fucks 26 and 27. I have to book 6 flights and two hotel cars. El fuckos 28 - 35, people. Add on the fact that we're out of Advil...and I'm on the rag...and that brings us up to 37 fucks.
And it's not even 1 PM.
I fully intend to call him today while I walk to the bank so I can bitch and complain about how much I hate my life and every other human being on the planet.
Maybe that will make me feel better.
I work at Zellers tonight.
Fuck.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: lesley's blog
days until DR: 14
Two weeks today. And then I finally get some time off.
"Why do you work so much?"
*pause*
"That's a good question. I guess because I'm greedy."
Renegade speak good english. "If by greedy you mean hot...then you're definetly greedy."
ANYWAYS....
I had an awesome time last night, which is getting a bit repetative, because every time I see him I end up having an awesome time. God, just once I'd like to go on a date that was actually The Worst Date Ever, instead of me just pretending it was. [be careful what you wish for...]
Kidding, kidding. Oh man I'm funny. But you know what's not funny? Jokes about band kids. Not so funny. Tsk tsk. Stopping now.
If you haven't seen Big Fish yet, I highly recommend you go and watch it. I fucking CRIED. I hate crying in front of people...especially about movies. I always cry during movies, but I hate doing it. I'm a creature of strange habits. But now for the real news...
I HAVE HAD THE WORST DAY THUS FAR.
My awesome ride/session home last night made me [foolishly. ha!] think that today would be just as awesome. It was, until about...oh...9:25.
I got here at 8:30.
JL now has no more Advil in the cabinet.
ARRRRRRRRRG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *profuse swearing has been removed*
The color photocopier/scanner broke. Fuck. We need the scanner to scan documents which are supposed to be in France by...oh...1 PM our time...so fuck again.
Wire transfer didn't go through. Fuck #3. Revenue Canada is a bitch. Fuck numero 4. Credit cards have to be paid. Fuck 5. I have a SHITLOAD of PAPER that I have NO IDEA what to do with. I'm drowning in photocopies. I hate stupid people. Fucks 6 thru 24.
I still have to get to the fucking bank. Fuck 25. I have something else highly important to do while I'm out, but I can't remember what it is. Fucks 26 and 27. I have to book 6 flights and two hotel cars. El fuckos 28 - 35, people. Add on the fact that we're out of Advil...and I'm on the rag...and that brings us up to 37 fucks.
And it's not even 1 PM.
I fully intend to call him today while I walk to the bank so I can bitch and complain about how much I hate my life and every other human being on the planet.
Maybe that will make me feel better.
I work at Zellers tonight.
Fuck.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: lesley's blog
days until DR: 14
1.21.2004
Breathing
Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close
The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold
And even though you are next to me I still feel so alone
I just can't give you anything for you to call your own
And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight
Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips
I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss
I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now
Things that I was sure of, they have filled me up with doubt
And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight
I can feel you breathing
It's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.
Sinking like a weight
How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run
I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same
The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away
And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight
I can feel you breathing
It's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.
Sinking like a weight
-Yellowcard
Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close
The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold
And even though you are next to me I still feel so alone
I just can't give you anything for you to call your own
And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight
Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips
I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss
I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now
Things that I was sure of, they have filled me up with doubt
And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight
I can feel you breathing
It's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.
Sinking like a weight
How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run
I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same
The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away
And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart's sinking like a weight
I can feel you breathing
It's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.
Sinking like a weight
-Yellowcard
Whoops
Oh, I forgot.
I have another date tonight.
Hence the "stoked" imood.
Because I am stoked.
Yes indeed.
Oh, I forgot.
I have another date tonight.
Hence the "stoked" imood.
Because I am stoked.
Yes indeed.
Way Away Away From Here I'll Be....
Holy.
Mother.
Of.
Christ.
Best concert. Of all time.
I'm speechless. And deaf. And still cold. I took a bath at 1 in the morning because I was FUCKING FRONT ROW FOR YC/EVE and got doused by the hot Event Staff. Multiple times. I was soaked right down past my skivvies. And my pants froze walking to the train. And I left a wet patch on the train seat. Fuck yes.
Picked up a 50$ Yellowcard zip-up hoodie that has some of the lyrics for "View From Heaven" on it...which will, I think, be my next layout. Also bought a 20$ Eve6 tank. I really wanted the baseball shirt that said "tie me to the bedposts"...but they didn't have my size. I would have bought "Underdogs" for 10$, but some WHORES stole my 20$ in the bathroom during Eve6 when I was trying to dry my shit off.
But yeah. What a blast. Yellowcard was fucking amazing. They tore the place apart. Eve 6 was...ok...they put on an alright show, I guess. I stayed in the pit until after they had played "Amphetamines" [they opened with this] and "Here's To The Nights" and "Inside Out". They played some good new songs, too, I guess.
But I was there for Yellowcard. I got some pretty good pics of the show, I'll post them later. Because I FORGET MY BLOODY USB CABLE again.
Let's take stock of my battle wounds:
Knee: one large, purple bruise from Renegade vs. Barricade.
Stomach: one bleeding gash from my belt digging into me in Renegade vs. Barricade.
Head: a few lumps from getting kicked by crowdsurfers.
Feet: very very very sore. Heels were bleeding for some reason.
Back: also very sore. Bruise on shoulder, from crowdsurfers.
I might also catch pnemonia. From the soaked-clothes thing. That would be kind of awesome.
Alright. Off to work.
Oh!!!! Yellowcard's gonna be at Warped this year!!!!!!!
Billy Talent is at the Whisky on February 2nd. Tickets are 10$! So someone 18+ come with me!
entry playlist
1. *sounds of Yellowcard in my head*
Days until DR: 16
Holy.
Mother.
Of.
Christ.
Best concert. Of all time.
I'm speechless. And deaf. And still cold. I took a bath at 1 in the morning because I was FUCKING FRONT ROW FOR YC/EVE and got doused by the hot Event Staff. Multiple times. I was soaked right down past my skivvies. And my pants froze walking to the train. And I left a wet patch on the train seat. Fuck yes.
Picked up a 50$ Yellowcard zip-up hoodie that has some of the lyrics for "View From Heaven" on it...which will, I think, be my next layout. Also bought a 20$ Eve6 tank. I really wanted the baseball shirt that said "tie me to the bedposts"...but they didn't have my size. I would have bought "Underdogs" for 10$, but some WHORES stole my 20$ in the bathroom during Eve6 when I was trying to dry my shit off.
But yeah. What a blast. Yellowcard was fucking amazing. They tore the place apart. Eve 6 was...ok...they put on an alright show, I guess. I stayed in the pit until after they had played "Amphetamines" [they opened with this] and "Here's To The Nights" and "Inside Out". They played some good new songs, too, I guess.
But I was there for Yellowcard. I got some pretty good pics of the show, I'll post them later. Because I FORGET MY BLOODY USB CABLE again.
Let's take stock of my battle wounds:
Knee: one large, purple bruise from Renegade vs. Barricade.
Stomach: one bleeding gash from my belt digging into me in Renegade vs. Barricade.
Head: a few lumps from getting kicked by crowdsurfers.
Feet: very very very sore. Heels were bleeding for some reason.
Back: also very sore. Bruise on shoulder, from crowdsurfers.
I might also catch pnemonia. From the soaked-clothes thing. That would be kind of awesome.
Alright. Off to work.
Oh!!!! Yellowcard's gonna be at Warped this year!!!!!!!
Billy Talent is at the Whisky on February 2nd. Tickets are 10$! So someone 18+ come with me!
entry playlist
1. *sounds of Yellowcard in my head*
Days until DR: 16
1.20.2004
Back Home
Don't know what I was looking for
When I went home, I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say,
"You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here
And I am full of fear,
And empty handed after two long years
Another sunny day in Californ-i-aye
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance to feel it
Back home I always thought I wanted so much more,
Now I'm not too sure
Cause sometimes I miss knowing someone's there for me and feeling free
Free to stand beside the ocean in moonlight
And light myself a smoke beneath the dark Atlantic sky
Another sunny day in Californ-i-aye
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it
Everybody here is living life in fear of falling out of line
Tearing lives apart and breaking lots of hearts just to pass the time
And the eyes get red in the back of your head, this place will make you blind
Put it all behind me and I'll be just fine
Another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky
Sometimes I wish that it would rain here
And wash away the west coast dreaming from my eyes
There's nothing real for them to see here
Another starry night in Californ-i-aye
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it
-Yellowcard
Don't know what I was looking for
When I went home, I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say,
"You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here
And I am full of fear,
And empty handed after two long years
Another sunny day in Californ-i-aye
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance to feel it
Back home I always thought I wanted so much more,
Now I'm not too sure
Cause sometimes I miss knowing someone's there for me and feeling free
Free to stand beside the ocean in moonlight
And light myself a smoke beneath the dark Atlantic sky
Another sunny day in Californ-i-aye
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it
Everybody here is living life in fear of falling out of line
Tearing lives apart and breaking lots of hearts just to pass the time
And the eyes get red in the back of your head, this place will make you blind
Put it all behind me and I'll be just fine
Another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky
Sometimes I wish that it would rain here
And wash away the west coast dreaming from my eyes
There's nothing real for them to see here
Another starry night in Californ-i-aye
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it
-Yellowcard
Will You?
Why am I blogging?
I have 13,00000000 things to do.
And I'm freaking out.
Because I can't do any of them.
And all I really want to do...
...is catch the train and meet you somewhere.
I wish I could go tonight. I wish I'd be there to give you a heart attack. But I'll beat the ever-loving shit out of some scrawny emo kid in the mosh pit for you, instead.
I have funny ways of showing affection.
God, I need to scream right about now. If I have to book one more hotel room . . . .
Why the hell am I blogging?
Angst angst angst angst.
I'm planning on using my Audio Blog free trial tonight when Yellowcard plays Back Home. That's the song I played you, Pierre.
Here's to tonight.
Call me?
entry playlist
1. -none-
days until DR: 17
Why am I blogging?
I have 13,00000000 things to do.
And I'm freaking out.
Because I can't do any of them.
And all I really want to do...
...is catch the train and meet you somewhere.
I wish I could go tonight. I wish I'd be there to give you a heart attack. But I'll beat the ever-loving shit out of some scrawny emo kid in the mosh pit for you, instead.
I have funny ways of showing affection.
God, I need to scream right about now. If I have to book one more hotel room . . . .
Why the hell am I blogging?
Angst angst angst angst.
I'm planning on using my Audio Blog free trial tonight when Yellowcard plays Back Home. That's the song I played you, Pierre.
Here's to tonight.
Call me?
entry playlist
1. -none-
days until DR: 17
Shallow
Am I shallow?
I wondered about that last night.
I'm not as shallow as my sister, Queen of the High School Jock Boyfriends [I mean that in the best way, BS!]. But then again, I was never a cheerleader.
I think I'm shallow. Having this conversation with myself, in itself, is shallow and slightly neurotic.
On the other hand, I'm not really "shallow"....proof? Take a look at my dating fiascos. Need I say more?
I'm a "personality" person....with broad preferences...but I really don't think I'm shallow.
I am, I am not. Yes/no/maybe/stop asking.
God, I'm messed in the head. I crave chocolate.
Eve 6, Yellowcard, and Jersey are tonight. I'm pretty excited--I'm hoping to add a Yellowcard hoodie and Jersey tee to my merchandise collection. I be a music whore to the max. The most awesome thing in the world right now would be to make an entire wardrobe based solely on clothes I bought at concerts. I already have my Simple Plan hoodie. Too bad they don't sell socks or bras with band names on them. Belts, I could manage.
SHM bought a Thrice belt online. "Hey Renegade, you listen to Thrice, right?" "Yeah...." [even the Zellers kids know I'm a music whore.] "Well check THIS out!"
Lifts up his shirt [a foolish expectation of seeing SHM partially naked crossed my mind, I'll admit...] and shows me...A THRICE BELT. YOU BASTARD.
It's going to be a late couple of nights. I'll be out until at least 12:45 tonight, and then tomorrow I'm probably seeing Big Fish. I'm getting dragged there, you know. Against my will. God, I'm sarcastic. And then Thursday night I work. And Friday night, I'm apparently going to party hardy. Saturday night I work until 9, then I think I might be going to a dorm party at Mount Royal--SR's moving into Rez, and the floor's having a party.
Honestly, I'd prefer to just rent a movie on Friday and/or Saturday night and just hang out. With, well, you know. I need a night in.
Mmmm...night in.....
I can drink my Kokanees this weekend, too, if everything goes well. On my night in. I pamper myself with beer and movies and Something Corporate.
I pamper myself with CDs, too.
Picked up Weezer - The Blue Album yesterday because Play was selling it for 4.99. Also bought The Ataris - End is Forever. Lots of angst because I couldn't decide between seven different CDs. Plus I discovered Punk DVDs.....damnation. As if I wasn't tempted enough already, eh?
I'll update the CD count accordingly. So...5 should be added on there.
I have a cramp in my upper thigh/butt area....just a thought.
*sigh*
entry playlist
1. -none-
days until DR: 17
Am I shallow?
I wondered about that last night.
I'm not as shallow as my sister, Queen of the High School Jock Boyfriends [I mean that in the best way, BS!]. But then again, I was never a cheerleader.
I think I'm shallow. Having this conversation with myself, in itself, is shallow and slightly neurotic.
On the other hand, I'm not really "shallow"....proof? Take a look at my dating fiascos. Need I say more?
I'm a "personality" person....with broad preferences...but I really don't think I'm shallow.
I am, I am not. Yes/no/maybe/stop asking.
God, I'm messed in the head. I crave chocolate.
Eve 6, Yellowcard, and Jersey are tonight. I'm pretty excited--I'm hoping to add a Yellowcard hoodie and Jersey tee to my merchandise collection. I be a music whore to the max. The most awesome thing in the world right now would be to make an entire wardrobe based solely on clothes I bought at concerts. I already have my Simple Plan hoodie. Too bad they don't sell socks or bras with band names on them. Belts, I could manage.
SHM bought a Thrice belt online. "Hey Renegade, you listen to Thrice, right?" "Yeah...." [even the Zellers kids know I'm a music whore.] "Well check THIS out!"
Lifts up his shirt [a foolish expectation of seeing SHM partially naked crossed my mind, I'll admit...] and shows me...A THRICE BELT. YOU BASTARD.
It's going to be a late couple of nights. I'll be out until at least 12:45 tonight, and then tomorrow I'm probably seeing Big Fish. I'm getting dragged there, you know. Against my will. God, I'm sarcastic. And then Thursday night I work. And Friday night, I'm apparently going to party hardy. Saturday night I work until 9, then I think I might be going to a dorm party at Mount Royal--SR's moving into Rez, and the floor's having a party.
Honestly, I'd prefer to just rent a movie on Friday and/or Saturday night and just hang out. With, well, you know. I need a night in.
Mmmm...night in.....
I can drink my Kokanees this weekend, too, if everything goes well. On my night in. I pamper myself with beer and movies and Something Corporate.
I pamper myself with CDs, too.
Picked up Weezer - The Blue Album yesterday because Play was selling it for 4.99. Also bought The Ataris - End is Forever. Lots of angst because I couldn't decide between seven different CDs. Plus I discovered Punk DVDs.....damnation. As if I wasn't tempted enough already, eh?
I'll update the CD count accordingly. So...5 should be added on there.
I have a cramp in my upper thigh/butt area....just a thought.
*sigh*
entry playlist
1. -none-
days until DR: 17
1.19.2004
blank
and all i want
is just to know if . . . . .
it meant as much to you . . . . .
. . . . as it did/does/might to me.
because playing the waiting game hurts more--
than playing the hit hard and move fast game.
"so please, please, i'm running out of sympathy. i never said i'd take this...i never said i'd take this lying down."
"come on, come on, lets just get this over with."
and all i want -- --
is to be on the dance floor again.
and to know.
so.
yeah.
and all i want
is just to know if . . . . .
it meant as much to you . . . . .
. . . . as it did/does/might to me.
because playing the waiting game hurts more--
than playing the hit hard and move fast game.
"so please, please, i'm running out of sympathy. i never said i'd take this...i never said i'd take this lying down."
"come on, come on, lets just get this over with."
and all i want -- --
is to be on the dance floor again.
and to know.
so.
yeah.
1.18.2004
Nothing But Pills And Ashes Under My Skin
Good morning...err...afternoon.
So Saturday has officially become my No-Posting day.
What have I been up to?
Friday: Worked until 9:45, then went to The Bull & Finch to see TM on her birthday. Saw MN and PL and RS too, along with the older brother of my sister's exboyfriend who I used to take the bus with.
Had drinks with PG for a bit while waiting for W to show up. CF and MW came first, then CW. CW left quick because he felt sick, and then W came, and then PG left. Got home around 12:30. End Friday.
Saturday: Got up, went to the tanning place and tanned. Mmmm, warmth. Then went to work from 10:30 until 5. Saw MF and CB and SZ, did a whole lot of nothing....a good shift, overall.
Went home, called PG, went over to his place for a few hours. Called W, made arrangements to pick me up.
Went to the park, I tried to get a picture of PG, but my hands were shaking and moved the camera. Damn!
W picked me up from PG's, we went to my house, he suffered my mom/sister/cousin/dog while I got ready. In 15 minutes! [SF/MS: i wore the pink one] Then off to The Back Alley for a night of debaunchery that will not soon be forgotten.
CF bought me two Canadians in my first 5 minutes. Saw PC, that one guy who always hits on me when drunk, DH, DS, and this P guy who looks vaguely familiar. SK, GM, and DB came later, which was awkward, but we stayed on our separate sides of the table and didn't acknowledge each others presense.
Had a blast. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Got home around 2. I love being 18. Thanks, again, for taking me out and putting up with my quasi-drunk bad dancing. I'm sorry. No, wait, I'm not, because I had a blast. Yes.
Going to stop talking. Good Renegade.
Working today 2 - 6. Give me a call if you want to do anything cheap tonight!
YELLOWCARD ON TUESDAY!!!!!!
entry playlist
1. Elliott - Calm Americans
2. Thursday - Understanding In A Crash
3. No Use For A Name - Soulmate
4. No Use For A Name - Pride
5. No Use For A Name - Coming Too Close
6. Something Corporate - Forget December
7. Sugarcult - Hate Every Beautiful Day
8. Matthew Good Band - Change of Season
blog of the day: pat's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 2
Good morning...err...afternoon.
So Saturday has officially become my No-Posting day.
What have I been up to?
Friday: Worked until 9:45, then went to The Bull & Finch to see TM on her birthday. Saw MN and PL and RS too, along with the older brother of my sister's exboyfriend who I used to take the bus with.
Had drinks with PG for a bit while waiting for W to show up. CF and MW came first, then CW. CW left quick because he felt sick, and then W came, and then PG left. Got home around 12:30. End Friday.
Saturday: Got up, went to the tanning place and tanned. Mmmm, warmth. Then went to work from 10:30 until 5. Saw MF and CB and SZ, did a whole lot of nothing....a good shift, overall.
Went home, called PG, went over to his place for a few hours. Called W, made arrangements to pick me up.
Went to the park, I tried to get a picture of PG, but my hands were shaking and moved the camera. Damn!
W picked me up from PG's, we went to my house, he suffered my mom/sister/cousin/dog while I got ready. In 15 minutes! [SF/MS: i wore the pink one] Then off to The Back Alley for a night of debaunchery that will not soon be forgotten.
CF bought me two Canadians in my first 5 minutes. Saw PC, that one guy who always hits on me when drunk, DH, DS, and this P guy who looks vaguely familiar. SK, GM, and DB came later, which was awkward, but we stayed on our separate sides of the table and didn't acknowledge each others presense.
Had a blast. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Got home around 2. I love being 18. Thanks, again, for taking me out and putting up with my quasi-drunk bad dancing. I'm sorry. No, wait, I'm not, because I had a blast. Yes.
Going to stop talking. Good Renegade.
Working today 2 - 6. Give me a call if you want to do anything cheap tonight!
YELLOWCARD ON TUESDAY!!!!!!
entry playlist
1. Elliott - Calm Americans
2. Thursday - Understanding In A Crash
3. No Use For A Name - Soulmate
4. No Use For A Name - Pride
5. No Use For A Name - Coming Too Close
6. Something Corporate - Forget December
7. Sugarcult - Hate Every Beautiful Day
8. Matthew Good Band - Change of Season
blog of the day: pat's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 2
1.16.2004
January, Answers, And Repetition
January
I took a good walk this morning. I walked from my office [440 - 2nd Ave] to the Chinese Consulate General [1100 8th Ave] to drop off my boss's Chinese visa application.
It was chilly, but not the bone-freezing cold that usually comes with my birth month.
I stood on the corner of 9th Street and 8th Ave, right where the C-Train tracks cut across, and I realized why things seemed off.
It's not January...it was September all over again.
September and its frosty mornings spent waiting for a bus under yellowing leaves. September and its false promises of new beginnings while the year began to fade and die. September and the cold, hard winter that always followed.
I never really liked September. I prefer January and its blizzards and Arctic scenery. I prefer January with its early sunsets and mournful bird-calls. I prefer January because it always brings me good luck in relationships.
But I like July most of all. That's another entry for another day.
Answers
"Rebound"? I don't do those. Rebounds suck, mostly because you never actually care about the relationship. I did rebounds once, which wasn't very cool/fun/respectful/nice at all, so I swore them off. At least I was honest with you about my feelings regarding the recent scandal, give me that much. I could have lied to you and said I never cared about him at all, but what good would that do? I'm honest to a fault when it comes to stuff like that. So...I told you. So...now you know. If you were a rebound I wouldn't be answering my phone. So...there's your answer.
Repetition
I don't know why I threw this in here. Random Renegade-Speak....now!
I am addicted to Coheed and Cambria's "Blood Red Summer". My summer mix CD [which I think I'll burn next week...] is SO having this song on it! It's depressing lyrics, but man it's catchy. "What did I do to deserve....what did I do to deserve...what did I do to deserve...[THIIIIIS! THIIIIIIS!]" And a [dare i say it?] cute little ditty in the middle with very pop-like "Whoa oh! whoa-oh-oh-ohoh-oh!" in a chorus. Yee!
Pretzel craving. Maybe I'll go for food when I get the mail. Mmmm, pretzels.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: cori's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 4
January
I took a good walk this morning. I walked from my office [440 - 2nd Ave] to the Chinese Consulate General [1100 8th Ave] to drop off my boss's Chinese visa application.
It was chilly, but not the bone-freezing cold that usually comes with my birth month.
I stood on the corner of 9th Street and 8th Ave, right where the C-Train tracks cut across, and I realized why things seemed off.
It's not January...it was September all over again.
September and its frosty mornings spent waiting for a bus under yellowing leaves. September and its false promises of new beginnings while the year began to fade and die. September and the cold, hard winter that always followed.
I never really liked September. I prefer January and its blizzards and Arctic scenery. I prefer January with its early sunsets and mournful bird-calls. I prefer January because it always brings me good luck in relationships.
But I like July most of all. That's another entry for another day.
Answers
"Rebound"? I don't do those. Rebounds suck, mostly because you never actually care about the relationship. I did rebounds once, which wasn't very cool/fun/respectful/nice at all, so I swore them off. At least I was honest with you about my feelings regarding the recent scandal, give me that much. I could have lied to you and said I never cared about him at all, but what good would that do? I'm honest to a fault when it comes to stuff like that. So...I told you. So...now you know. If you were a rebound I wouldn't be answering my phone. So...there's your answer.
Repetition
I don't know why I threw this in here. Random Renegade-Speak....now!
I am addicted to Coheed and Cambria's "Blood Red Summer". My summer mix CD [which I think I'll burn next week...] is SO having this song on it! It's depressing lyrics, but man it's catchy. "What did I do to deserve....what did I do to deserve...what did I do to deserve...[THIIIIIS! THIIIIIIS!]" And a [dare i say it?] cute little ditty in the middle with very pop-like "Whoa oh! whoa-oh-oh-ohoh-oh!" in a chorus. Yee!
Pretzel craving. Maybe I'll go for food when I get the mail. Mmmm, pretzels.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: cori's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 4
1.15.2004
Stuck In The Sky
Things I Need To Do
-reorganize CDs in wallet
-cash $2,000 check before I leave
-set up another date [same person]...soon.
-find the time to actually meet up with Graham
-go tanning more often
-fix computer
-go to Outlaws/Ceiles [irish pub on 8th Ave]/Tequila/etc
-go on Photo Spree with Lesley
Things I Want To Do
-lie in bed for 14 hours with music and no disturbances
-bubble bath with candles
-get in the car...and drive.
Clearly, all of this will have to wait. I don't even think I can get through the "Things I Need To Do" list before I leave in February.
Which I can't WAIT for, by the way. Seven whole days of lying immobile on a beach, reading trashy novels and drinking Pina Coladas.
Don't you just hate me right now?
More than usual, I mean.
Mmm...and the coconut-mango smell of my tanning lotion makes it all the better, I tell you. I can't wait.
Did I mention that the Club Med is an open bar? I shit you not.
Now how awesome is that?
*sigh* I wanted to talk about something...but I think I'll move to the other blog to do it.
entry playlist
1. Jimmy Eat World - If You Don't, Don't
2. Trapt - Made Of Glass
3. The Used - Buried Myself Alive
4. Tonic - If You Could Only See
5. Fuel - Hemorrhage (In My Hands)
blog of the day: claudio's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 5
Things I Need To Do
-reorganize CDs in wallet
-cash $2,000 check before I leave
-set up another date [same person]...soon.
-find the time to actually meet up with Graham
-go tanning more often
-fix computer
-go to Outlaws/Ceiles [irish pub on 8th Ave]/Tequila/etc
-go on Photo Spree with Lesley
Things I Want To Do
-lie in bed for 14 hours with music and no disturbances
-bubble bath with candles
-get in the car...and drive.
Clearly, all of this will have to wait. I don't even think I can get through the "Things I Need To Do" list before I leave in February.
Which I can't WAIT for, by the way. Seven whole days of lying immobile on a beach, reading trashy novels and drinking Pina Coladas.
Don't you just hate me right now?
More than usual, I mean.
Mmm...and the coconut-mango smell of my tanning lotion makes it all the better, I tell you. I can't wait.
Did I mention that the Club Med is an open bar? I shit you not.
Now how awesome is that?
*sigh* I wanted to talk about something...but I think I'll move to the other blog to do it.
entry playlist
1. Jimmy Eat World - If You Don't, Don't
2. Trapt - Made Of Glass
3. The Used - Buried Myself Alive
4. Tonic - If You Could Only See
5. Fuel - Hemorrhage (In My Hands)
blog of the day: claudio's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 5
The Light & The Glass
Slowly the pen touched paper in the guidance of the words that you write
Memories roll in of the things you once did
And who you had shared them with somebody thinking of you
Did I bother telling you this with the words that cross teeth and jump lips
A poor choice of words in wanting to tell you anything
But words don't come with ease they're forever my hurt
Would it really matter if you were to count the days left with your hands
Your focus secure and the loves you left well
Smiles staged in photographs here until...
You left the light on
There's a chance I might have tripped girl
You were there to hold on
Ignoring the words of your obnoxious little brother
"Kill or be killed" spilled the words from your mother
I'll lay awake for a while
I'll leave the light on a while
You couldn't last a lifetime caught between here and the days of it
Carving her name across your arm with every wish it's hit or miss her
I told you so I measure distance in lines departing the rest of my life
But you had better things to do...liar
If you get put to sleep, like an old dog you're better off if you get put to sleep
I've been cautious with the words I extend
Allow this year before the world starts to end
Your father's dead he passed in his sleep, and I woke to the sounds of her crying
Pray for us all...my dearest Apollo I'll be burning star 4
-Coheed and Cambria
Slowly the pen touched paper in the guidance of the words that you write
Memories roll in of the things you once did
And who you had shared them with somebody thinking of you
Did I bother telling you this with the words that cross teeth and jump lips
A poor choice of words in wanting to tell you anything
But words don't come with ease they're forever my hurt
Would it really matter if you were to count the days left with your hands
Your focus secure and the loves you left well
Smiles staged in photographs here until...
You left the light on
There's a chance I might have tripped girl
You were there to hold on
Ignoring the words of your obnoxious little brother
"Kill or be killed" spilled the words from your mother
I'll lay awake for a while
I'll leave the light on a while
You couldn't last a lifetime caught between here and the days of it
Carving her name across your arm with every wish it's hit or miss her
I told you so I measure distance in lines departing the rest of my life
But you had better things to do...liar
If you get put to sleep, like an old dog you're better off if you get put to sleep
I've been cautious with the words I extend
Allow this year before the world starts to end
Your father's dead he passed in his sleep, and I woke to the sounds of her crying
Pray for us all...my dearest Apollo I'll be burning star 4
-Coheed and Cambria
Something Like That
Well, guys, I must be ovulating, because I'm craving pretzels.
*sigh* I'm....really wishing I didn't work so much. So I could just take off and go see him for a bit. That'd be cool. That'd actually rock. Yup.
Chris, you're not in trouble because you didn't do anything. I'm a little confused as to why you thought you'd be in trouble. Unless you were just saying it to be coy and/or sarcastic. In which case, never mind.
Claudio--alternator? Shite! That sucks royally.
Aw, shit. I just slopped pasta on my white pants. Bloody hell!
Going tanning again tonight, speaking of white. I'll be done around 8:00, so if anybody wants to do anything....cough cough...you know who you are....give me a call before 7:30.
I think I'll pick up the new Elliott CD "Song In The Air" [or something like that] next week when I get paid. "False Cathedrals" is good, but old. Well, not vintage, but 2000, nonetheless.
CD Review: Coheed and Cambria - In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth:3. Awesome awesome awesome. I'm not going to pretend I found them all on my own--Ryan was playing them in his car on New Years, and I guess they caught my ear. Each song is more than 5 minutes long, and WOW the vocals are amazing along with the guitars and holy fuck those bass lines. Mwah.
If I had to say they sound like a band I already listen to....I'd say a cross between The Used and Matchbook Romance, musically speaking. Same driving force as The Used, but some subtle detailing that brings MBR to mind. Vocal-styling-speaking, the singer's got an edge/intensity that you just can't find in modern punk/hardcore music. The vocals are extremely passionate, able to convey the wide range of emotions that this album puts forth. When interspersed with ragged, quick breaths in the middle of what should be phrases, the vocals become jagged and very, very raw. Not that that's a bad thing--it suits the style of the record, overall. The sort of sound that you would expect from alexisonfire, when the singer of that band isn't screaming. Think the backup vocals on "Pulmonary Archery".
Lyrically, the album is a masterpiece. If C&C brings MBR and The Used to mind musically, lyrically they can only be compared to Thursday. In terms of sheer complexity of lyrics, the band clearly brings to mind Thursday's long, winding, moody entries. While the range of topics is broader than Thursday's sophmore "War All The Time", C&C lacks the insight and introspection that made Thursday a staple of the emo-core scene. However, that doesn't diminish the amazing work that Coheed and Cambria do on the disk--it's intense and thought-provoking without teetering into the categories of political music or emo/harcore.
If you're a fan of Thursday, The Used, Matchbook Romance, or just looking for a decidedly different flavour in your music collection, I recommend you pick this one up. It's Coheed and Cambria's third disk, the follow-up to 2002's "The Second Stage Turbine Blade". The major music retailers haven't really stumbled upon this disk yet--and if they have, it's over 20$--so your best bet is Play in TD Square. Check out the website for the band, www.coheedandcambria.com.
entry playlist
1. Elliott - Speed Of Film
2. Elliott - Drive On Me
3. Elliott - Calvary Song
4. Elliott - Shallow Like Your Breath
5. Elliott - Carving Oswgo
6. Elliott - Lie Close
7. Elliott - Lipstick Stigmata
blog of the day: claudio's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 5
Well, guys, I must be ovulating, because I'm craving pretzels.
*sigh* I'm....really wishing I didn't work so much. So I could just take off and go see him for a bit. That'd be cool. That'd actually rock. Yup.
Chris, you're not in trouble because you didn't do anything. I'm a little confused as to why you thought you'd be in trouble. Unless you were just saying it to be coy and/or sarcastic. In which case, never mind.
Claudio--alternator? Shite! That sucks royally.
Aw, shit. I just slopped pasta on my white pants. Bloody hell!
Going tanning again tonight, speaking of white. I'll be done around 8:00, so if anybody wants to do anything....cough cough...you know who you are....give me a call before 7:30.
I think I'll pick up the new Elliott CD "Song In The Air" [or something like that] next week when I get paid. "False Cathedrals" is good, but old. Well, not vintage, but 2000, nonetheless.
CD Review: Coheed and Cambria - In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth:3. Awesome awesome awesome. I'm not going to pretend I found them all on my own--Ryan was playing them in his car on New Years, and I guess they caught my ear. Each song is more than 5 minutes long, and WOW the vocals are amazing along with the guitars and holy fuck those bass lines. Mwah.
If I had to say they sound like a band I already listen to....I'd say a cross between The Used and Matchbook Romance, musically speaking. Same driving force as The Used, but some subtle detailing that brings MBR to mind. Vocal-styling-speaking, the singer's got an edge/intensity that you just can't find in modern punk/hardcore music. The vocals are extremely passionate, able to convey the wide range of emotions that this album puts forth. When interspersed with ragged, quick breaths in the middle of what should be phrases, the vocals become jagged and very, very raw. Not that that's a bad thing--it suits the style of the record, overall. The sort of sound that you would expect from alexisonfire, when the singer of that band isn't screaming. Think the backup vocals on "Pulmonary Archery".
Lyrically, the album is a masterpiece. If C&C brings MBR and The Used to mind musically, lyrically they can only be compared to Thursday. In terms of sheer complexity of lyrics, the band clearly brings to mind Thursday's long, winding, moody entries. While the range of topics is broader than Thursday's sophmore "War All The Time", C&C lacks the insight and introspection that made Thursday a staple of the emo-core scene. However, that doesn't diminish the amazing work that Coheed and Cambria do on the disk--it's intense and thought-provoking without teetering into the categories of political music or emo/harcore.
If you're a fan of Thursday, The Used, Matchbook Romance, or just looking for a decidedly different flavour in your music collection, I recommend you pick this one up. It's Coheed and Cambria's third disk, the follow-up to 2002's "The Second Stage Turbine Blade". The major music retailers haven't really stumbled upon this disk yet--and if they have, it's over 20$--so your best bet is Play in TD Square. Check out the website for the band, www.coheedandcambria.com.
entry playlist
1. Elliott - Speed Of Film
2. Elliott - Drive On Me
3. Elliott - Calvary Song
4. Elliott - Shallow Like Your Breath
5. Elliott - Carving Oswgo
6. Elliott - Lie Close
7. Elliott - Lipstick Stigmata
blog of the day: claudio's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 5
1.14.2004
Good, Bad, "Oh My God."
Good: I got my camera to work on my home PC aka Behemoth. So, no more illegally uploading files at work. Hurrah! This means, however, that my hard drive is screwed, because this thing takes really nice, really high-quality pictures. Mmmm. Oh, and the new sunset-type photo was taken today around 5:10 from the pedestrian overpass from Anderson station to Southcenter. Pretty colors! Whoo!
Bad: Outlaws may/may not happen on Saturday, depends whether I decide I want to whore it up or go see "guy".
Also Bad: I'm getting suspicious about another situation that has developed in the last week or so...Shame on me for doing this, but I have every right to be cautious. My gut tells me something's wrong, so...probably.
"Oh My God.": My mom's reaction to my "clubbing" shirts. Hot pink and red [not on the same shirt] generally do that to her. Plus, you know, the plunge neck...and ample cleavage....cough....man I love being 18....
I...
Am well on my way to being remarkably content for the next week or so.
Thumbs up!
entry playlist
1. Kidney Theives - Before I'm Dead
2. Coldplay - The Scientist
3. Incubus - Mexico
blog of the day: rob's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 6
Good: I got my camera to work on my home PC aka Behemoth. So, no more illegally uploading files at work. Hurrah! This means, however, that my hard drive is screwed, because this thing takes really nice, really high-quality pictures. Mmmm. Oh, and the new sunset-type photo was taken today around 5:10 from the pedestrian overpass from Anderson station to Southcenter. Pretty colors! Whoo!
Bad: Outlaws may/may not happen on Saturday, depends whether I decide I want to whore it up or go see "guy".
Also Bad: I'm getting suspicious about another situation that has developed in the last week or so...Shame on me for doing this, but I have every right to be cautious. My gut tells me something's wrong, so...probably.
"Oh My God.": My mom's reaction to my "clubbing" shirts. Hot pink and red [not on the same shirt] generally do that to her. Plus, you know, the plunge neck...and ample cleavage....cough....man I love being 18....
I...
Am well on my way to being remarkably content for the next week or so.
Thumbs up!
entry playlist
1. Kidney Theives - Before I'm Dead
2. Coldplay - The Scientist
3. Incubus - Mexico
blog of the day: rob's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 6
Lie Close
You won't move so I won't follow this used and makeshift path. Born to serve, born seductive to regulate our surges. You will lie close. You will lie covered. I won't stare and I won't stall you as you turn to make your stand among the walking apparitions that fade among the living. You will lie close. You will lie covered. I will force aside the common revelation that we'll formalize this constant evolution. Here were stand striped and starving as a stopped and tailored man. We buy our lives and learn to spend it with swift and held hands. We're the answer that came before the goal (refrain). We're no answer at all. You and I were made for each other, like heroes fall we will fall, you and I have made the mistake to hear the call hear our call. I'm a dreamer and you're a taker. Sin for the soul and savor the labor. Why are the kids and the cowards all in line?
-Elliott
You won't move so I won't follow this used and makeshift path. Born to serve, born seductive to regulate our surges. You will lie close. You will lie covered. I won't stare and I won't stall you as you turn to make your stand among the walking apparitions that fade among the living. You will lie close. You will lie covered. I will force aside the common revelation that we'll formalize this constant evolution. Here were stand striped and starving as a stopped and tailored man. We buy our lives and learn to spend it with swift and held hands. We're the answer that came before the goal (refrain). We're no answer at all. You and I were made for each other, like heroes fall we will fall, you and I have made the mistake to hear the call hear our call. I'm a dreamer and you're a taker. Sin for the soul and savor the labor. Why are the kids and the cowards all in line?
-Elliott
Come On And Use Me
Well....that went better than I thought it would.....
So I went on a date last night, for the first time in a loooooong time. After I went tanning, of course, so I smelled like mango tanning lotion. Yummy.
Met at Dixons, ordered Caeser [yes, I drank. shame on me.], began talking. Melissa/Sarah/Trevor came A LOT earlier than I expected them to, but it was cool [i hope!] nonetheless.
Dixon's was uneventful, except with Melissa knocking over the table and all. Damn drunk.
Headed over to Joker's around 10 to meet up with Matt, James and Truck. Drank a wee bit of my shitty Rum & Coke, then had a Paralyzer instead. Left around 11, drove around some more, went to Tim Hortons, talked more, got home around 11:50...went inside ten minutes later....
Got up for work late, was early to the bus stop [go figure]. Came to work...found A PILE of shit to do. Like holy crap.
This, however, is awesome, because now I won't be bored.
Went over to TD today to get a new debit card, since I lost mine last night. Wasn't as painful as I imagined--I was expecting them to ask for DNA samples and a full cavity search--so I got my card without any issues. Went to Play top celebrate with...what else? CDs!!!
Elliott - False Cathedrals and Coheed and Cambria - In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth:3. Is there anything more satisfying than new, good music? I think not. And did you know that new CDs have a smell to them? It's true...strange, but true.
Going shopping tonight with Sarah and Melissa for a club shirt, apparently. We'll see what they get me into. Call me after 5 if you need me [you know who you are....].
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: rob's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 6
Well....that went better than I thought it would.....
So I went on a date last night, for the first time in a loooooong time. After I went tanning, of course, so I smelled like mango tanning lotion. Yummy.
Met at Dixons, ordered Caeser [yes, I drank. shame on me.], began talking. Melissa/Sarah/Trevor came A LOT earlier than I expected them to, but it was cool [i hope!] nonetheless.
Dixon's was uneventful, except with Melissa knocking over the table and all. Damn drunk.
Headed over to Joker's around 10 to meet up with Matt, James and Truck. Drank a wee bit of my shitty Rum & Coke, then had a Paralyzer instead. Left around 11, drove around some more, went to Tim Hortons, talked more, got home around 11:50...went inside ten minutes later....
Got up for work late, was early to the bus stop [go figure]. Came to work...found A PILE of shit to do. Like holy crap.
This, however, is awesome, because now I won't be bored.
Went over to TD today to get a new debit card, since I lost mine last night. Wasn't as painful as I imagined--I was expecting them to ask for DNA samples and a full cavity search--so I got my card without any issues. Went to Play top celebrate with...what else? CDs!!!
Elliott - False Cathedrals and Coheed and Cambria - In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth:3. Is there anything more satisfying than new, good music? I think not. And did you know that new CDs have a smell to them? It's true...strange, but true.
Going shopping tonight with Sarah and Melissa for a club shirt, apparently. We'll see what they get me into. Call me after 5 if you need me [you know who you are....].
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: rob's blog
days until Eve 6/etc: 6
1.13.2004
La La La Not Listening!
I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!
One hour.
Holy fuck I'm gonna puke. Just right now.
Oh......shit.....
What was I thinking!?
I don't know how to date!!!
FUCK!!!!!!
I'm crazy. That's the only logical response. I've finally lost it.
Wish me luck, I guess.
entry playlist
1. Vanessa Carlton - Twilight
2. Trapt - Made Of Glass
I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!
One hour.
Holy fuck I'm gonna puke. Just right now.
Oh......shit.....
What was I thinking!?
I don't know how to date!!!
FUCK!!!!!!
I'm crazy. That's the only logical response. I've finally lost it.
Wish me luck, I guess.
entry playlist
1. Vanessa Carlton - Twilight
2. Trapt - Made Of Glass
Drama Queen
I will fuck this up.
I will land flat on my face.
I will never amount to anything more than being just another name crossed off on the "To Do" list.
I want to scream, cry, die, rage, break, be violent.
I will never.
Ever.
Be able to tell you what I need to.
This is what you've taught me:
I can't be anything to anybody. I can't make anybody want me.
I will fuck it up and get fucked over all for the sake of a cheap thrill.
This is what I've learned from you:
Don't even try.
I fail anyways. I fall. I fuck[up]. Sometimes they all seem the same.
And who is to blame? Not the boy who turned this girl to stone. Never.
It's me, me, me. Always has been. Always will be. I can't change this about me.
Fatalist masochist.
I hope you never feel unwanted. I hope you never feel like I do now.
But I hope you get yours, in the end.
This is what you've taught me:
Get in, get fucked, get out.
A good plan if you ignore the fact that I don't want that anymore. I want surreality.
I want everything you never were to me. But I don't want you. I want all the things you never thought to say/do/remember.
Breathe.
I will fuck this up.
I will land flat on my face.
I will never amount to anything more than being just another name crossed off on the "To Do" list.
I want to scream, cry, die, rage, break, be violent.
I will never.
Ever.
Be able to tell you what I need to.
This is what you've taught me:
I can't be anything to anybody. I can't make anybody want me.
I will fuck it up and get fucked over all for the sake of a cheap thrill.
This is what I've learned from you:
Don't even try.
I fail anyways. I fall. I fuck[up]. Sometimes they all seem the same.
And who is to blame? Not the boy who turned this girl to stone. Never.
It's me, me, me. Always has been. Always will be. I can't change this about me.
Fatalist masochist.
I hope you never feel unwanted. I hope you never feel like I do now.
But I hope you get yours, in the end.
This is what you've taught me:
Get in, get fucked, get out.
A good plan if you ignore the fact that I don't want that anymore. I want surreality.
I want everything you never were to me. But I don't want you. I want all the things you never thought to say/do/remember.
Breathe.
Ahem.
So apparently Cauterize isn't going to be at the concert next week. According to MF, the other night, at work, anyway. I have yet to check this rumor myself. However, I saw a handbill tacked to a board on 4th Ave yesterday advertising the concert and Eve 6, Yellowcard, and Jersey were the only bands advertised.
And as unfair as it seems [Yellowcard has been putting out major records since 1999 or 2000], Cauterize is more likely to be advertised than YC. So....damn.....I really wanted to hear "Killing Me" live.
Drunk natives on train this morning. God.....smelled soooooooo bad.....vodka and puke and shit, basically. Yech.
I have to go tanning tonight. It's to make a "base tan" before I go to the DR in February, so I won't burn to a crisp the first day I'm there. My mom booked us appointments at the Fabutan in Deer Run/Valley/ShantyTown because my cousin's girlfriend works there. Stephanie, I think her name is.
Afterwards, I'm supposed to go to Dixon's....
.....yeah. Dixon's. Woot. Fuck, I'm nervous already.
I know what I'm going to end up doing--I'll be super-nervous, so I'll drink more to calm me down. But he won't be drinking [because he's driving]...so it'll be me getting tanked and stupid while he sits there. Awesome. And the more I drink, the stupider and more retarded and downright embarrasing I become.
Solution[s]?
1. Don't go. This isn't really an option, because I want to go, if for no other reason than to actually go to Dixon's. But, of course, I have other reasons for going....namely the company I'm supposed to keep there.
2. Don't drink. This, too, isn't really an option, because I always drink. Which leads us to.....
3. Don't get drunk. Yes, I think I can handle this one. A few beers. Appetizers. Maybe a Ceaser or two....or four...no, definetly no more than two. And no shots. Definetly no shots. Shots + Renegade = Bad.
OK, so it's decided.
I'm a little stress ball right now.
Awesome.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: cristina's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 7
So apparently Cauterize isn't going to be at the concert next week. According to MF, the other night, at work, anyway. I have yet to check this rumor myself. However, I saw a handbill tacked to a board on 4th Ave yesterday advertising the concert and Eve 6, Yellowcard, and Jersey were the only bands advertised.
And as unfair as it seems [Yellowcard has been putting out major records since 1999 or 2000], Cauterize is more likely to be advertised than YC. So....damn.....I really wanted to hear "Killing Me" live.
Drunk natives on train this morning. God.....smelled soooooooo bad.....vodka and puke and shit, basically. Yech.
I have to go tanning tonight. It's to make a "base tan" before I go to the DR in February, so I won't burn to a crisp the first day I'm there. My mom booked us appointments at the Fabutan in Deer Run/Valley/ShantyTown because my cousin's girlfriend works there. Stephanie, I think her name is.
Afterwards, I'm supposed to go to Dixon's....
.....yeah. Dixon's. Woot. Fuck, I'm nervous already.
I know what I'm going to end up doing--I'll be super-nervous, so I'll drink more to calm me down. But he won't be drinking [because he's driving]...so it'll be me getting tanked and stupid while he sits there. Awesome. And the more I drink, the stupider and more retarded and downright embarrasing I become.
Solution[s]?
1. Don't go. This isn't really an option, because I want to go, if for no other reason than to actually go to Dixon's. But, of course, I have other reasons for going....namely the company I'm supposed to keep there.
2. Don't drink. This, too, isn't really an option, because I always drink. Which leads us to.....
3. Don't get drunk. Yes, I think I can handle this one. A few beers. Appetizers. Maybe a Ceaser or two....or four...no, definetly no more than two. And no shots. Definetly no shots. Shots + Renegade = Bad.
OK, so it's decided.
I'm a little stress ball right now.
Awesome.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog of the day: cristina's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 7
1.12.2004
You Need To Read This...Soon
You are a beautiful person, inside and out.
Whatever happened, happened....that is how life is. But you're strong, you'll make it through. I know this because I know you.
Things...change. Unfortunately. But change can be freeing, like shedding an old skin. I know it's hard.
But there's people who love you [like me, for example.] and will always be there for you. No matter how hard it gets, no matter how much you feel like giving up...don't. Please, for me, if nothing else. I wish there was something I could do to fix things for you, but there isn't.
All I can do is be here for you, until you need me. Have faith, or at least try to...I'll have faith here for you, too.
You're going places. Of course you are. You have more talent, brains, ambition in that little head of yours than you give yourself credit for.
You ARE a good person. You ARE smart. You WILL pass the final. You DO know where things are [believe me, it takes time.]. You are NOT an idiot. You CAN be a mom. You WILL be happy. You WILL go places. I will TRY and give you prozak.
You love who you love, and you can't help that.
I'm worried about you. I should have known something was wrong, I should have called the minute I knew something was wrong.
I wish there was something else I could do for you.
I love you, don't ever forget that.
entry playlist
1. Something Corporate - I Won't Make You
2. Something Corporate - Only Ashes
3. Something Corporate - Ruthless
4. Something Corporate - Space
5. Something Corporate - Miss America
blog of the day: trish's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 8
You are a beautiful person, inside and out.
Whatever happened, happened....that is how life is. But you're strong, you'll make it through. I know this because I know you.
Things...change. Unfortunately. But change can be freeing, like shedding an old skin. I know it's hard.
But there's people who love you [like me, for example.] and will always be there for you. No matter how hard it gets, no matter how much you feel like giving up...don't. Please, for me, if nothing else. I wish there was something I could do to fix things for you, but there isn't.
All I can do is be here for you, until you need me. Have faith, or at least try to...I'll have faith here for you, too.
You're going places. Of course you are. You have more talent, brains, ambition in that little head of yours than you give yourself credit for.
You ARE a good person. You ARE smart. You WILL pass the final. You DO know where things are [believe me, it takes time.]. You are NOT an idiot. You CAN be a mom. You WILL be happy. You WILL go places. I will TRY and give you prozak.
You love who you love, and you can't help that.
I'm worried about you. I should have known something was wrong, I should have called the minute I knew something was wrong.
I wish there was something else I could do for you.
I love you, don't ever forget that.
entry playlist
1. Something Corporate - I Won't Make You
2. Something Corporate - Only Ashes
3. Something Corporate - Ruthless
4. Something Corporate - Space
5. Something Corporate - Miss America
blog of the day: trish's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 8
Miss America
Another lonely night in Amsterdam
The stars are coming out in waves
I miss my Miss America from Park Hotel
But I'm too stoned to call it a day
When everything you wanted
Seems to hide behind your eyes
And I'm locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbye
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till you can feel it
Another lonely night in Amsterdam
And water's moving through the sound
The blood is boiling in my veins
And the food I can't keep down
And I don't care if you don't love me
And I don't care if you don't change
I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you
And the myth that you would stay
And I'll be home before the morning comes,
You won't have to be alone
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You don't have to see me this way,
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down, I will write this down
Oh love, I'm tangled up again
Oh love, when does this twisting end?
When does this twisting end?
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You won't have to see me this way
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down for you,
So you can read it
-Something Corpoate
That....would be the song that this new layout is based around. God, I love Something Corporate. Check out my designer [link @ lower right sidebar]! She's awesome.
This is good. This is very, very good. Borderline fantastic.
When does this twisting end? I get the feeling I'm playing with fire. Burn, baby, burn.
The next few weeks should be...well....interesting. Here's to hoping.
entry playlist
1. Something Corporate - Miss America
2. Something Corporate - The Runaway
blog of the day: trish's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 8
Another lonely night in Amsterdam
The stars are coming out in waves
I miss my Miss America from Park Hotel
But I'm too stoned to call it a day
When everything you wanted
Seems to hide behind your eyes
And I'm locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbye
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till you can feel it
Another lonely night in Amsterdam
And water's moving through the sound
The blood is boiling in my veins
And the food I can't keep down
And I don't care if you don't love me
And I don't care if you don't change
I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you
And the myth that you would stay
And I'll be home before the morning comes,
You won't have to be alone
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You don't have to see me this way,
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down, I will write this down
Oh love, I'm tangled up again
Oh love, when does this twisting end?
When does this twisting end?
I will write this down for you
So you can read it
I will hold my breath for you
Till I can't feel it
You won't have to see me this way
Cause this way I'm okay
I will write this down for you,
So you can read it
-Something Corpoate
That....would be the song that this new layout is based around. God, I love Something Corporate. Check out my designer [link @ lower right sidebar]! She's awesome.
This is good. This is very, very good. Borderline fantastic.
When does this twisting end? I get the feeling I'm playing with fire. Burn, baby, burn.
The next few weeks should be...well....interesting. Here's to hoping.
entry playlist
1. Something Corporate - Miss America
2. Something Corporate - The Runaway
blog of the day: trish's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 8
1.11.2004
Is This Normal?
Most of my family has left now, after spending the obligatory 1.5 hours celebrating the birthday of the Black Sheep. Meaning, me.
A question: Is it normal to feel out-of-place in your own family?
[emo entry alert. close now.]
I have never really belonged anywhere my entire life. Even in band, I didn't really belong. But that's an issue I've hashed and rehashed countless times. If you really want to go into that in more detail, feel free to browse the archives.
For the past 12 years, every single family gathering, every single major holiday, I spend it alone, in a corner, reading a book. I'd rather do that than sit there silently and pretend to have to enjoy myself. I'm stuck in the middle--too old to hang out with the kids, too young to sit at the "adult table". The only reason I go, now, is because my mom freaks out if I mention how I don't belong. She came from a family of 6 kids, so its really important to her. Me?
I could care less. I mean, I look up to my cousin Aaron most of all. His fiancee, Tanya, is an amazing person that I cannot wait to have in the family...but....god, I don't know where I'm going with this entry.
I just feel like I'm wasting my time trying to make them all happy. I'm the reject--
Punk music. Spikes. Rubber bracelets. Poster-fied room with pierced boys in makeup. Multiple piercings. Wants to get tattoo. Wants to be a social worker. Didn't go to university. Band nerd. Ex band nerd. Boyfriends. No boyfriends. Strange sense of humor. Boring. Purple hair at one point. Doesn't care too much about clothes. Video game wannabe. Antisocial.
God, I should just shut up now.
Do you see why I don't fit in? GOD I just want to go back in time to last night. Or something. Anything.
Billy Talent has bored me. It's time that [c]S got a decidedly.....different feel to it.
You'll see in a few hours.
entry playlist
1. Coldplay - The Scientist
2. Taking Back Sunday - Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team)
3. Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)
blog of the day: graham's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 9
Most of my family has left now, after spending the obligatory 1.5 hours celebrating the birthday of the Black Sheep. Meaning, me.
A question: Is it normal to feel out-of-place in your own family?
[emo entry alert. close now.]
I have never really belonged anywhere my entire life. Even in band, I didn't really belong. But that's an issue I've hashed and rehashed countless times. If you really want to go into that in more detail, feel free to browse the archives.
For the past 12 years, every single family gathering, every single major holiday, I spend it alone, in a corner, reading a book. I'd rather do that than sit there silently and pretend to have to enjoy myself. I'm stuck in the middle--too old to hang out with the kids, too young to sit at the "adult table". The only reason I go, now, is because my mom freaks out if I mention how I don't belong. She came from a family of 6 kids, so its really important to her. Me?
I could care less. I mean, I look up to my cousin Aaron most of all. His fiancee, Tanya, is an amazing person that I cannot wait to have in the family...but....god, I don't know where I'm going with this entry.
I just feel like I'm wasting my time trying to make them all happy. I'm the reject--
Punk music. Spikes. Rubber bracelets. Poster-fied room with pierced boys in makeup. Multiple piercings. Wants to get tattoo. Wants to be a social worker. Didn't go to university. Band nerd. Ex band nerd. Boyfriends. No boyfriends. Strange sense of humor. Boring. Purple hair at one point. Doesn't care too much about clothes. Video game wannabe. Antisocial.
God, I should just shut up now.
Do you see why I don't fit in? GOD I just want to go back in time to last night. Or something. Anything.
Billy Talent has bored me. It's time that [c]S got a decidedly.....different feel to it.
You'll see in a few hours.
entry playlist
1. Coldplay - The Scientist
2. Taking Back Sunday - Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team)
3. Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)
blog of the day: graham's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 9
I Saw Your Face Before It Changed
So...I guess that deserves a further explanation...
....or not. I think this one I'm going to keep to myself. Or, you know, keep to those poor people I called last night at 12:05 in an excited giddy fit to tell. And Claudio today, on my break, of course.
Yes. To myself. Ahem.
Well then. What to talk about?
Family is here. Must go....socialize. Bah. They're here to see me, so I guess I have to.
I hope...
I hope I get the call.
Fuck.
Never mind.
entry playlist
1. Matthew Good Band - Running For Home
2. Incubus - Megalomaniac
blog of the day: graham's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 9
So...I guess that deserves a further explanation...
....or not. I think this one I'm going to keep to myself. Or, you know, keep to those poor people I called last night at 12:05 in an excited giddy fit to tell. And Claudio today, on my break, of course.
Yes. To myself. Ahem.
Well then. What to talk about?
Family is here. Must go....socialize. Bah. They're here to see me, so I guess I have to.
I hope...
I hope I get the call.
Fuck.
Never mind.
entry playlist
1. Matthew Good Band - Running For Home
2. Incubus - Megalomaniac
blog of the day: graham's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 9
You Know Who This Is For?
Wow.
Just....wow.
I was reduced to incoherant mumbles.
That's a good thing, in case you didn't know.
Wow.
entry playlist
1. -none-
Wow.
Just....wow.
I was reduced to incoherant mumbles.
That's a good thing, in case you didn't know.
Wow.
entry playlist
1. -none-
1.09.2004
Songs for Silent Heartbeats
"I can't hide that I've relied on you, like yellow does on blue. And you're my good feeling. I'm kneeling inside her room, she paints me blue. You are my reason for breathing. Inside her room she paints me blue again. Atlanta started raining on me, and teenage love was underground; tonight I break the surface. Atlanta started raining on me, and no young girl was claiming me and naming me and destiny gets nervous..."
I wonder...
"If you love me, then love me."
Last night was weird. "You're one in a million, did I ever tell you that?" "No, but I think you just did."
And another: "Why would I be upset? I'm marrying you. I'm playing Something Corporate and I'm getting excited. Our kids have to be named #1, #2, #3, etc." "No." "Can we have dogs then?"
Further still: "Happy Birthday." "Where did that come from?" "I never forget birthdays."
Last night...was weird..."You're too hard on yourself." "I'm just honest." "You see it as honesty, but you're really better than that." And a list of my supposed shining qualities.
"Do you still have my number? We should go for coffee sometime." "And skating." "Skating? I don't have skates." "Its ok, you can wear my old ones, your feet are small enough." "Ok...but I can't skate." "It's fine, and we'll go for coffee afterwards."
God. None of it means anything, really. "You're my friend. Even though I was horrible to you in the past, you're still my friend." All it means is that "he" is back in my life, and the other one is...well...he's always like this anyways.
And I thought I had cut things off with him completely. "Yeah, I still read your blog. Sorry about your dog and JG, by the way." Renegade, you tool. Don't you know that you will never completely cut anybody of your life?
People are like spiders. We weave webs with other people, and they with others, and other with others, and so on. And we're so surprised when we cut our ties with people, that they're still in the webs of everyone else we know.
Of course he wasn't gone. Of course I'd invite him for coffee. It's ka. [a bit of SK trivia for you guys.] When it comes, it comes, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. As much as I said I was done with him, told both of us that it was OVER, never AGAIN...here I am, making tentative plans to catch up. He has a girlfriend, of one month who sounds cute as can be.
I am a creature of habit, no?
Predict my next move. Come on, you've [no, not YOU] been reading long enough to know what I'm going to fuck up next. I wrote that story about you, you, you. You're the only one I saw when I wrote that. But I wrote the other one about the boy who's always been just out of my reach, and he's no closer now that he was the first time I met him, three years ago. Time flies by and changes so much but changes so little at the same time.
Listen to me. I sound senile.
"Let's get drunk, you can drive us to the harbour. Wish upon a star, but do you know what stars are? Balls of fire burning up a black space, falling from the landscapes, exploding in the face of God. Let's get crazy, talk about our big plans. Places that you're going, places that I haven't been. Build my walls up, concrete castles, keep this kingdom free of hassle. I resolve, echo in the emptiness: all I want but you can't change this loneliness. Look at what you've found, I'm falling down. Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone, tell me that you're alone, tell me on the telephone. Feel your heart it breaks within your chest now, try to get some rest now, sleep's not coming easy for a while, child."
All of this...was all your fault...
I stayed wrecked and jealous for this?
None of this was for you.
entry playlist
1. Something Corporate - She Paints Me Blue
2. Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
3. Matchbook Romance - If All Else Fails
4. MxPx - Quit Your Life
5. Something Corporate - Globes & Maps
6. Open Hand - Time To Talk
7. The Starting Line - Playing Fvourites
8. The Starting Line - A Good Night's Sleep
9. Cauterize - Killing Me
10. Something Corporate - Down
11. Taking Back Sunday - Cute Without the 'E' [Cut From The Team]
blog of the day: will's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 11
"I can't hide that I've relied on you, like yellow does on blue. And you're my good feeling. I'm kneeling inside her room, she paints me blue. You are my reason for breathing. Inside her room she paints me blue again. Atlanta started raining on me, and teenage love was underground; tonight I break the surface. Atlanta started raining on me, and no young girl was claiming me and naming me and destiny gets nervous..."
I wonder...
"If you love me, then love me."
Last night was weird. "You're one in a million, did I ever tell you that?" "No, but I think you just did."
And another: "Why would I be upset? I'm marrying you. I'm playing Something Corporate and I'm getting excited. Our kids have to be named #1, #2, #3, etc." "No." "Can we have dogs then?"
Further still: "Happy Birthday." "Where did that come from?" "I never forget birthdays."
Last night...was weird..."You're too hard on yourself." "I'm just honest." "You see it as honesty, but you're really better than that." And a list of my supposed shining qualities.
"Do you still have my number? We should go for coffee sometime." "And skating." "Skating? I don't have skates." "Its ok, you can wear my old ones, your feet are small enough." "Ok...but I can't skate." "It's fine, and we'll go for coffee afterwards."
God. None of it means anything, really. "You're my friend. Even though I was horrible to you in the past, you're still my friend." All it means is that "he" is back in my life, and the other one is...well...he's always like this anyways.
And I thought I had cut things off with him completely. "Yeah, I still read your blog. Sorry about your dog and JG, by the way." Renegade, you tool. Don't you know that you will never completely cut anybody of your life?
People are like spiders. We weave webs with other people, and they with others, and other with others, and so on. And we're so surprised when we cut our ties with people, that they're still in the webs of everyone else we know.
Of course he wasn't gone. Of course I'd invite him for coffee. It's ka. [a bit of SK trivia for you guys.] When it comes, it comes, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. As much as I said I was done with him, told both of us that it was OVER, never AGAIN...here I am, making tentative plans to catch up. He has a girlfriend, of one month who sounds cute as can be.
I am a creature of habit, no?
Predict my next move. Come on, you've [no, not YOU] been reading long enough to know what I'm going to fuck up next. I wrote that story about you, you, you. You're the only one I saw when I wrote that. But I wrote the other one about the boy who's always been just out of my reach, and he's no closer now that he was the first time I met him, three years ago. Time flies by and changes so much but changes so little at the same time.
Listen to me. I sound senile.
"Let's get drunk, you can drive us to the harbour. Wish upon a star, but do you know what stars are? Balls of fire burning up a black space, falling from the landscapes, exploding in the face of God. Let's get crazy, talk about our big plans. Places that you're going, places that I haven't been. Build my walls up, concrete castles, keep this kingdom free of hassle. I resolve, echo in the emptiness: all I want but you can't change this loneliness. Look at what you've found, I'm falling down. Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone, tell me that you're alone, tell me on the telephone. Feel your heart it breaks within your chest now, try to get some rest now, sleep's not coming easy for a while, child."
All of this...was all your fault...
I stayed wrecked and jealous for this?
None of this was for you.
entry playlist
1. Something Corporate - She Paints Me Blue
2. Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
3. Matchbook Romance - If All Else Fails
4. MxPx - Quit Your Life
5. Something Corporate - Globes & Maps
6. Open Hand - Time To Talk
7. The Starting Line - Playing Fvourites
8. The Starting Line - A Good Night's Sleep
9. Cauterize - Killing Me
10. Something Corporate - Down
11. Taking Back Sunday - Cute Without the 'E' [Cut From The Team]
blog of the day: will's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 11
1.08.2004
Concrete And Liquid: Revisited
Maybe you would remember when I wrote the poem called "Concrete." And what about the second part I did the next day, "And Liquid"?
I fell in love. You know, for the record. In case you cared.
Feeling...well...restless. When I said "love" I didn't actually mean it. I meant wild free-fall lust. Me and my animal instincts, and all that. Wasted words, words I wasted on you.
Like I was talking and you never heard a word I said. I never heard a word you said to me, you know. All I could pay attention to was your eyes. I guess I heard everything you said to me, but none of it registered until later. But while your lips were moving and your eyes were flickering away, all I could hear was white noise.
Life's like that, sometimes.
White noise, I mean. All this background stuff that you just tune out. If you actually listened for it, you'd go crazy. So much noise in the back of your mind, it's impossible to sort out the important words from the ones that are just wasted.
You ever think about escape?
Like leaving. Climbing into the car, throwing in a mixed CD, and pointing the car in a direction anywhere but North, because North means more Calgary, North means more cold, North means Being Trapped. But you'd point the car towards the mountains or towards the plains or towards the border and away you'd go.
A few days in one direction, you'd see the Pacific in moonlight and feel the haunting ocean breezes. A few more days in another direction, you'd be walking in downtown Toronto or standing in the Atlantic as the sun comes up. A few weeks in yet another direction, you'd be digging your toes into Mexican or Florida or Californian sand.
I want to leave. I'd leave with anybody--but one person in particular. I'd go for a week; I'd go for a month; I'd never come back. I'd stay away as long as you would want to stay with me. As long as our money for gas, food, and cheap hotels lasted. Even if it meant giving up a month of Calgary life for a month of uncertainty, instability and almost certain sexual/social misconduct. None of those wonderful little perks of life I wouldn't mind experiencing for a while.
So let's get in the car and drive. Windows down, hair blowing in the wind. The highway eaten up by the wheels of the car, the stereo blasting the music that we'll never quite agree on. It'd be summer when I left, I know that much. When winter sets in, I settle down and hibernate from my wild, unfulfilled dreams of rebellion and Teenage Movie Road Trips Leading To Self Discovery. But when this time of year starts to come--when I realise that I have 12 long months stretching ahead of me and nothing of meaning to fill them with--I feel the tug from my heart.
Leave it says leave and go away as long as you have to because you're only young once you only get so many second chances and who knows where you could end up who you could meet what you could see and all the things you could experience but you'll never know for sure unless you get the guts to leave and take a chance because life is all about risk-taking so why don't you do what you know you need to do and just LEAVE.
And yet, unless I actually bring it up and talk to you about it, we'll stay here. All of us, trapped in our misery and wanting to leave but being too cowardly and tied down to do something about it. Like caged birds we'll suffer quietly, not saying a word about it because it would throw things out of balance, kill the things about Suburbia that make it the desirable/hateful little thing that it is.
Maybe you know I'm talking to you, and maybe you don't.
I almost ruined those things I just wrote with an explanation, a rationalization for a purely impulsive bout of writing. I almost told a lie about how I didn't mean any of it and how it was just an adolescent fantasy about escape, stemming from a time in my life when I feel I cannot control anything. Therefore, I nearly said, I concoct escapist fantasies in order to create the illusion that I have the ability to run away from my problems whenever the hell I choose.
Because, you know, running is what I do best. Accelerated Lucy's cancer by running her. Accelerated the deterioration of my last few months there by running away from the problems instead of facing them. I ran away from relationships, I ran away from challenges, I ran away from decisions.
And now, I'm running away from--
entry playlist
1. Staind - Epiphany
2. Goo Goo Dolls - Black Balloon
3. Elliott - Calm Americans
4. Jimmy Eat World - Calm Americans
5. Linkin Park - My December
6. Dashboard Confessional - A Plain Morning
7. Jimmy Eat World - The Most Beautiful Things
8. Thursday - Paris In Flames
9. Box Car Racer - I Feel So
blog of the day: josh's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 12
Maybe you would remember when I wrote the poem called "Concrete." And what about the second part I did the next day, "And Liquid"?
I fell in love. You know, for the record. In case you cared.
Feeling...well...restless. When I said "love" I didn't actually mean it. I meant wild free-fall lust. Me and my animal instincts, and all that. Wasted words, words I wasted on you.
Like I was talking and you never heard a word I said. I never heard a word you said to me, you know. All I could pay attention to was your eyes. I guess I heard everything you said to me, but none of it registered until later. But while your lips were moving and your eyes were flickering away, all I could hear was white noise.
Life's like that, sometimes.
White noise, I mean. All this background stuff that you just tune out. If you actually listened for it, you'd go crazy. So much noise in the back of your mind, it's impossible to sort out the important words from the ones that are just wasted.
You ever think about escape?
Like leaving. Climbing into the car, throwing in a mixed CD, and pointing the car in a direction anywhere but North, because North means more Calgary, North means more cold, North means Being Trapped. But you'd point the car towards the mountains or towards the plains or towards the border and away you'd go.
A few days in one direction, you'd see the Pacific in moonlight and feel the haunting ocean breezes. A few more days in another direction, you'd be walking in downtown Toronto or standing in the Atlantic as the sun comes up. A few weeks in yet another direction, you'd be digging your toes into Mexican or Florida or Californian sand.
I want to leave. I'd leave with anybody--but one person in particular. I'd go for a week; I'd go for a month; I'd never come back. I'd stay away as long as you would want to stay with me. As long as our money for gas, food, and cheap hotels lasted. Even if it meant giving up a month of Calgary life for a month of uncertainty, instability and almost certain sexual/social misconduct. None of those wonderful little perks of life I wouldn't mind experiencing for a while.
So let's get in the car and drive. Windows down, hair blowing in the wind. The highway eaten up by the wheels of the car, the stereo blasting the music that we'll never quite agree on. It'd be summer when I left, I know that much. When winter sets in, I settle down and hibernate from my wild, unfulfilled dreams of rebellion and Teenage Movie Road Trips Leading To Self Discovery. But when this time of year starts to come--when I realise that I have 12 long months stretching ahead of me and nothing of meaning to fill them with--I feel the tug from my heart.
Leave it says leave and go away as long as you have to because you're only young once you only get so many second chances and who knows where you could end up who you could meet what you could see and all the things you could experience but you'll never know for sure unless you get the guts to leave and take a chance because life is all about risk-taking so why don't you do what you know you need to do and just LEAVE.
And yet, unless I actually bring it up and talk to you about it, we'll stay here. All of us, trapped in our misery and wanting to leave but being too cowardly and tied down to do something about it. Like caged birds we'll suffer quietly, not saying a word about it because it would throw things out of balance, kill the things about Suburbia that make it the desirable/hateful little thing that it is.
Maybe you know I'm talking to you, and maybe you don't.
I almost ruined those things I just wrote with an explanation, a rationalization for a purely impulsive bout of writing. I almost told a lie about how I didn't mean any of it and how it was just an adolescent fantasy about escape, stemming from a time in my life when I feel I cannot control anything. Therefore, I nearly said, I concoct escapist fantasies in order to create the illusion that I have the ability to run away from my problems whenever the hell I choose.
Because, you know, running is what I do best. Accelerated Lucy's cancer by running her. Accelerated the deterioration of my last few months there by running away from the problems instead of facing them. I ran away from relationships, I ran away from challenges, I ran away from decisions.
And now, I'm running away from--
entry playlist
1. Staind - Epiphany
2. Goo Goo Dolls - Black Balloon
3. Elliott - Calm Americans
4. Jimmy Eat World - Calm Americans
5. Linkin Park - My December
6. Dashboard Confessional - A Plain Morning
7. Jimmy Eat World - The Most Beautiful Things
8. Thursday - Paris In Flames
9. Box Car Racer - I Feel So
blog of the day: josh's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 12
Pat's Survey
1) Using band names that you like, spell out your name:
K - Kidney Theives
E - Elliott
N - New Found Glory
D - Dashboard Confessional
A - Alkaline Trio
L - Lillix
L - Lavigne, Avril
R - Rufio
A - AFI
E - Evanescence
S - Something Corporate
C - Cauterize
H - Hot Hot Heat
I - Irish Car Bomb
L - Less Thank Jake
L - Linkin Park
E - Eve 6
2) Have you ever had a song written about you? - Not that I know of
3) What song makes you cry? Matthew Good Band - Running For Home or AFI - MorningStar
4) What song makes you happy? The Starting Line - Saddest Girl Song
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? music
PT. II
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'3"ish
HAIR COLOR: blondish
SKIN COLOR: flesh
EYE COLOR: bluish-greenish
PIERCINGS: 4 [soon to be 5...]
TATTOOS: soon enough
r i g h t n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: tan
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Dashboard Confessional - Morning Calls
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: water
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: chinook-ey
HOW ARE YOU?: Hungry, actually.
d o y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: not usually
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: several
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: ever since i turned 18 and discovered bars....nope.
LIKE TO DRIVE?: sure do!
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: I'm a fan of Arrested Development, myself.
CONDITIONER: Something that did wonders to my hair once...I think it was Tanis's conditioner on tour.
BOOK: Ender's Game or anything by Stephen King
MAGAZINE: I don't do magazines anymore
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Iced Tea
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Candied Apples or shots. Whee!
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: have fun/concerts/party
BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: Matthew Good Band. This answer never changes.
h a v e y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: never got caught for it.
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: yeah
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: snuck IN my house...
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: i wish! streaking, yes. skinny dipping, no.
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: nah
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: its on my to-do list
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: yeah
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: who hasnt?!
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: yeah
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: yeah in elementary
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: ew no way i dont want snot stains....yeah of course I have.
l o v e
BOYFRIEND: nope
GIRLFRIEND: ive got tons....platonic, of course.
SEXUALITY: straight
CHILDREN: none
CURRENT CRUSH: oh please. he probably reads this.
BEEN IN LOVE?: yup
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: yup
BEEN HURT?: no, never...
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: not saying things.
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: yeah, and we only went out a week.
r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: two!
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Dashboard Confessional - A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: Ice blue or Bubblegum
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Music, shopping, and being with my friends.
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: Maddie
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: *checks CD wallet* I'm going to order Something Corporate - Songs for Silent Movies...and then I'm buying....Rufio or Elliott.
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: those bastards who got me drunk on Monday night. Cheers.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: stuff!
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: ....last night, thinking about Lucy
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: for me? Personally? Wow...Jason's BD email, probably.
THING YOU PURCHASED: Subway for me and Stock Boy Ryan
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: A smidge of Much Vibe
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: Kill Bill with Lisa at the Cheapies
y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
ABORTION: pro Choice
TEENAGE SMOKING: At 10$ a pack, no effing way.
SPICE GIRLS: I own the movie and the CDs.
DREAMS: are too bloody weird.
entry playlist
1. Dashboard Confessional - So Beautiful
2. Dashboard Confessional - Am I Missing
3. Dashboard Confessional - Morning Calls
4. Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
5. Dashboard Confessional - Rapid Hope Loss
6. Dashboard Confessional - Bend And Not Break
blog of the day: josh's blog
days until EVE 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 12
1) Using band names that you like, spell out your name:
K - Kidney Theives
E - Elliott
N - New Found Glory
D - Dashboard Confessional
A - Alkaline Trio
L - Lillix
L - Lavigne, Avril
R - Rufio
A - AFI
E - Evanescence
S - Something Corporate
C - Cauterize
H - Hot Hot Heat
I - Irish Car Bomb
L - Less Thank Jake
L - Linkin Park
E - Eve 6
2) Have you ever had a song written about you? - Not that I know of
3) What song makes you cry? Matthew Good Band - Running For Home or AFI - MorningStar
4) What song makes you happy? The Starting Line - Saddest Girl Song
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? music
PT. II
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'3"ish
HAIR COLOR: blondish
SKIN COLOR: flesh
EYE COLOR: bluish-greenish
PIERCINGS: 4 [soon to be 5...]
TATTOOS: soon enough
r i g h t n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: tan
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: Dashboard Confessional - Morning Calls
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: water
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: chinook-ey
HOW ARE YOU?: Hungry, actually.
d o y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: not usually
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: several
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: ever since i turned 18 and discovered bars....nope.
LIKE TO DRIVE?: sure do!
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: I'm a fan of Arrested Development, myself.
CONDITIONER: Something that did wonders to my hair once...I think it was Tanis's conditioner on tour.
BOOK: Ender's Game or anything by Stephen King
MAGAZINE: I don't do magazines anymore
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Iced Tea
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Candied Apples or shots. Whee!
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: have fun/concerts/party
BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: Matthew Good Band. This answer never changes.
h a v e y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: never got caught for it.
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: yeah
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: snuck IN my house...
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: i wish! streaking, yes. skinny dipping, no.
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: nah
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: its on my to-do list
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: yeah
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: who hasnt?!
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: yeah
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: yeah in elementary
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: ew no way i dont want snot stains....yeah of course I have.
l o v e
BOYFRIEND: nope
GIRLFRIEND: ive got tons....platonic, of course.
SEXUALITY: straight
CHILDREN: none
CURRENT CRUSH: oh please. he probably reads this.
BEEN IN LOVE?: yup
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: yup
BEEN HURT?: no, never...
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: not saying things.
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: yeah, and we only went out a week.
r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: two!
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Dashboard Confessional - A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: Ice blue or Bubblegum
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Music, shopping, and being with my friends.
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: Maddie
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: *checks CD wallet* I'm going to order Something Corporate - Songs for Silent Movies...and then I'm buying....Rufio or Elliott.
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: those bastards who got me drunk on Monday night. Cheers.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: stuff!
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: ....last night, thinking about Lucy
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: for me? Personally? Wow...Jason's BD email, probably.
THING YOU PURCHASED: Subway for me and Stock Boy Ryan
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: A smidge of Much Vibe
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: Kill Bill with Lisa at the Cheapies
y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
ABORTION: pro Choice
TEENAGE SMOKING: At 10$ a pack, no effing way.
SPICE GIRLS: I own the movie and the CDs.
DREAMS: are too bloody weird.
entry playlist
1. Dashboard Confessional - So Beautiful
2. Dashboard Confessional - Am I Missing
3. Dashboard Confessional - Morning Calls
4. Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
5. Dashboard Confessional - Rapid Hope Loss
6. Dashboard Confessional - Bend And Not Break
blog of the day: josh's blog
days until EVE 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 12
New Year Quiz
Part 1 - At any point in 2003, did you . . .
1. Go to a party? And how.
2. Try something new? Yup
3. Have something changed your life? Several things
4. Kiss someone? Several someones
5. Tell your family and friends you love them? Of course!
6. Buy something extravagant? My DVD player?
7. Do something nice for you? I spoil myself.
8. For something terribly wrong? Probably.
9. Move? In 2002....
10. Go to a concert? If you count my band trip...like 20.
Part 2 - Best of the Year . . .
1. Party: Sarah's or Melissa's or NEW YEARS 2003 WHOOO!
2. Show: I didn't watch TV
3. CD: Taking Back Sunday - Tell All Your Friends
4. Movie: LOTR 3
5. Song: Cauterize - Killing Me
6. Experience: TOUR. And...well...Sept-Dec.
7. Concert: Simple Plan
8. Month: October
9. Day: July 1st
Part 3 - Worst of the Year . . . .
1. Party: I'm going to go with the Feb. party on this one.
2. Experience: Lucy's cancer coupled with The James Thing: Part III
3. Month: March
4. Day: November 23rd.
Part 4 - Hopes for 2004 . . . .
1. Predict something that you think will happen in 2004? I'll pierce something
2. What do you hope changes about your country? Less conservatives
3. What do you hope for yourself? Peace.
4. What do you hope for your family? Happiness and good health
5. What do you hope for your best friend? I hope Lisa is happy, and for more zany adventures with the Brenchly crew
6. What do you hope for the rest of your friends? Only the best.
7. Do you think any amazing medical Advances will be made?: Probably not.
8. What is your biggest wish for 2004? *remembers Nov. 30*
Five things that 2003 taught me . . .
1. Do what you have to.
2. Be yourself.
3. You can't control everything.
4. Enjoy it while it lasts.
5. Breathe.
Five personally significant events of 2003:
1. Tour
2. Banff trip
3. New jobs
4. August.
5. December.
Five things I want to do in 2004:
1. Figure out the school thing
2. Kiss someone and have it mean more.
3. Travel somewhere
4. Drive more
5. Earn $10,000 after taxes.
Five people who I'd like to know better in 2004:
1. Josh
2. Will
3. Melanie
4. Christie [Claudio's GF]
5. Cori
entry playlist
1. Dashboard Confessional - Ghost of A Good Thing
2. Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
3. Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
4. Dashboard Confessional - Several Ways To Die Trying
blog of the day: josh's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 12
Part 1 - At any point in 2003, did you . . .
1. Go to a party? And how.
2. Try something new? Yup
3. Have something changed your life? Several things
4. Kiss someone? Several someones
5. Tell your family and friends you love them? Of course!
6. Buy something extravagant? My DVD player?
7. Do something nice for you? I spoil myself.
8. For something terribly wrong? Probably.
9. Move? In 2002....
10. Go to a concert? If you count my band trip...like 20.
Part 2 - Best of the Year . . .
1. Party: Sarah's or Melissa's or NEW YEARS 2003 WHOOO!
2. Show: I didn't watch TV
3. CD: Taking Back Sunday - Tell All Your Friends
4. Movie: LOTR 3
5. Song: Cauterize - Killing Me
6. Experience: TOUR. And...well...Sept-Dec.
7. Concert: Simple Plan
8. Month: October
9. Day: July 1st
Part 3 - Worst of the Year . . . .
1. Party: I'm going to go with the Feb. party on this one.
2. Experience: Lucy's cancer coupled with The James Thing: Part III
3. Month: March
4. Day: November 23rd.
Part 4 - Hopes for 2004 . . . .
1. Predict something that you think will happen in 2004? I'll pierce something
2. What do you hope changes about your country? Less conservatives
3. What do you hope for yourself? Peace.
4. What do you hope for your family? Happiness and good health
5. What do you hope for your best friend? I hope Lisa is happy, and for more zany adventures with the Brenchly crew
6. What do you hope for the rest of your friends? Only the best.
7. Do you think any amazing medical Advances will be made?: Probably not.
8. What is your biggest wish for 2004? *remembers Nov. 30*
Five things that 2003 taught me . . .
1. Do what you have to.
2. Be yourself.
3. You can't control everything.
4. Enjoy it while it lasts.
5. Breathe.
Five personally significant events of 2003:
1. Tour
2. Banff trip
3. New jobs
4. August.
5. December.
Five things I want to do in 2004:
1. Figure out the school thing
2. Kiss someone and have it mean more.
3. Travel somewhere
4. Drive more
5. Earn $10,000 after taxes.
Five people who I'd like to know better in 2004:
1. Josh
2. Will
3. Melanie
4. Christie [Claudio's GF]
5. Cori
entry playlist
1. Dashboard Confessional - Ghost of A Good Thing
2. Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
3. Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
4. Dashboard Confessional - Several Ways To Die Trying
blog of the day: josh's blog
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 12
1.07.2004
Do Me A Favor
I want to win a blog award. All I need are nominations, guys. Cmon.
Click here and vote for me in the following categories:
-Best Canadian Blog
-Best Tagline of a Weblog [the tagline is: "[c]S rocks the cock"]
-Most Humorous Weblog
I know I stand a snowball's chance in Hell of winning, but if you all vote for me a few [read: 12] times, I think I'd have a good shot.
Merci, and thank you.
entry playlist
1. Taking Back Sunday - Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team)
2. Finch - Letters To You
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 13
I want to win a blog award. All I need are nominations, guys. Cmon.
Click here and vote for me in the following categories:
-Best Canadian Blog
-Best Tagline of a Weblog [the tagline is: "[c]S rocks the cock"]
-Most Humorous Weblog
I know I stand a snowball's chance in Hell of winning, but if you all vote for me a few [read: 12] times, I think I'd have a good shot.
Merci, and thank you.
entry playlist
1. Taking Back Sunday - Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team)
2. Finch - Letters To You
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 13
I Can Feel You Breathing, And It's Keeping Me Awake
My new camera is a joy to have. So many new settings....picture formats for different light environments....30 second video...
I played with it last night in bed. Got some good low-light shots. Am rediscovering how much I love black/white composition.
Lesley/Pierre...you know who I would love to get composition of in bed? Of course you do. I only blabbed about it for 20 minutes on the phone last night.
Sigh.
Thinking about going to Outlaws on Thursday [tomorrow] night with Pierre and possibly Claudio. Any takers? Of course there should be. Who wouldn't want to go out?!
I mean come on, you're 18/19/20, it's time you PARTIED, dammit!
Can you tell I'm new at this whole "maturity" thing? Yes, indeedy.
entry playlist
1. -none-
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 13
My new camera is a joy to have. So many new settings....picture formats for different light environments....30 second video...
I played with it last night in bed. Got some good low-light shots. Am rediscovering how much I love black/white composition.
Lesley/Pierre...you know who I would love to get composition of in bed? Of course you do. I only blabbed about it for 20 minutes on the phone last night.
Sigh.
Thinking about going to Outlaws on Thursday [tomorrow] night with Pierre and possibly Claudio. Any takers? Of course there should be. Who wouldn't want to go out?!
I mean come on, you're 18/19/20, it's time you PARTIED, dammit!
Can you tell I'm new at this whole "maturity" thing? Yes, indeedy.
entry playlist
1. -none-
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard/Jersey: 13
1.06.2004
"Drinking Isn't Funny....It's Delicious!"
Today's title brought to you by Ellen Degeneres. I woke up to this piece of advice.
Soooooo much fun.
Sooooooooo much booze:
-Caeser [with parents]
-"house shot" [tasted like root beer]
-Muff Dive ["Melissa loves the rim job!"] [Melissa]
-Electric Popsicle [Shawn]
-Gin & Jacks [Sheila/Jason]
-Gladiator [...Mark? I think?]
-White China [Cori]
-Candy Apple [Lisa]
-Blowjob ["Just suck it back!"] [Trevor]
-Something with flames.... [Jeff]
-Cement Mixer [Pierre]
-Prairie Fire/Flames/Tastes Like Burning [Claudio]
-Grasshopper beer [Claudio]
-Cori bought me something with two glasses
-They tried to make me do Tequila. I declined. [Mike]
-Will bought me coffee at 3 AM in Tim Hortons.
So we started at Jokers, where I consumed all of the above alcohol in a short period of time. There was pretty much nobody there, so we had the place to ourselves. Mmmm, drunk pool. I think one of the other guys there bought me a shot. Maybe. It's all kind of blurry. Our tab came to over $100.
Decided on Chalks at midnight. Drove. Pulled over so I could puke. Drove more.
Played drunk pool. Started drinking water. Puked again in bathroom. Watched drunk pool. Decided to go to Denny's at 1:30 [or was it 2?]. Will [I honestly did not recognize you with the hair] drove me, which I appreciated after my....err...intoxicated slurring speech at Chalks. "So I have this bet with a Stock Boy...."
Denny's was fun, I got to eat free because I told the waiter in my drunken way "I'm 18! Wheee!" I sobered up pretty good after food, I think.
Will and I went to the Tim Hortons down by my house because I didn't feel like going home. Ran into Keegan at 3 AM, quick talk. Sat inside with three cops and talking for awhile. Good conversation, for me being drunk and retarded.
Got home at 3:33 AM. Snuck up to bed. Woke up at 8 AM, tried to sleep, but it didn't work. Here I am.
I have to go to work later on. Faaaack.
But my parents bought me a digital camera!!! And my sister made me a gorgeous scrapbook. I cried. I'm too sentimental.
I was soooo drunk.
Heh.
Happy Birthday to me!
entry playlist
1. Counting Crows - Daylight Fading
2. Less Than Jake - Look What Happened (Last Time)
3. Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life
4. Goldfinger - Going Home
5. Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
6. Goldfinger - More Today Than Yesterday
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard: 14
Today's title brought to you by Ellen Degeneres. I woke up to this piece of advice.
Soooooo much fun.
Sooooooooo much booze:
-Caeser [with parents]
-"house shot" [tasted like root beer]
-Muff Dive ["Melissa loves the rim job!"] [Melissa]
-Electric Popsicle [Shawn]
-Gin & Jacks [Sheila/Jason]
-Gladiator [...Mark? I think?]
-White China [Cori]
-Candy Apple [Lisa]
-Blowjob ["Just suck it back!"] [Trevor]
-Something with flames.... [Jeff]
-Cement Mixer [Pierre]
-Prairie Fire/Flames/Tastes Like Burning [Claudio]
-Grasshopper beer [Claudio]
-Cori bought me something with two glasses
-They tried to make me do Tequila. I declined. [Mike]
-Will bought me coffee at 3 AM in Tim Hortons.
So we started at Jokers, where I consumed all of the above alcohol in a short period of time. There was pretty much nobody there, so we had the place to ourselves. Mmmm, drunk pool. I think one of the other guys there bought me a shot. Maybe. It's all kind of blurry. Our tab came to over $100.
Decided on Chalks at midnight. Drove. Pulled over so I could puke. Drove more.
Played drunk pool. Started drinking water. Puked again in bathroom. Watched drunk pool. Decided to go to Denny's at 1:30 [or was it 2?]. Will [I honestly did not recognize you with the hair] drove me, which I appreciated after my....err...intoxicated slurring speech at Chalks. "So I have this bet with a Stock Boy...."
Denny's was fun, I got to eat free because I told the waiter in my drunken way "I'm 18! Wheee!" I sobered up pretty good after food, I think.
Will and I went to the Tim Hortons down by my house because I didn't feel like going home. Ran into Keegan at 3 AM, quick talk. Sat inside with three cops and talking for awhile. Good conversation, for me being drunk and retarded.
Got home at 3:33 AM. Snuck up to bed. Woke up at 8 AM, tried to sleep, but it didn't work. Here I am.
I have to go to work later on. Faaaack.
But my parents bought me a digital camera!!! And my sister made me a gorgeous scrapbook. I cried. I'm too sentimental.
I was soooo drunk.
Heh.
Happy Birthday to me!
entry playlist
1. Counting Crows - Daylight Fading
2. Less Than Jake - Look What Happened (Last Time)
3. Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life
4. Goldfinger - Going Home
5. Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
6. Goldfinger - More Today Than Yesterday
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard: 14
1.05.2004
Happy Birthday To Me!
18.
Wow.
I've come a long way, guys. Or have I?
It was a pivotal year, I think we can all agree. A lot of lessons learned, a lot of things changed. For the best, in the end, I am starting to see.
Anyways.
8:30 at Joker's in Avenida. You're all invited--yes, Will, this means you, too. 714-9784 if you need directions/confirmation. Bring a few bucks to drink with, if you wish. No drinking/driving or I'll have your head.
Excited am I? Very much so. I get to go for sushi with my parents soon.
Jodi left today....I have a bunch of stuff but can't do it until later.
Amen to procrastination. *bliss*
Lesley, got the message. I love you.
entry playlist
1. Finch - Letters To You
2. Strung Out - Velvet Alley
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard: 15
18.
Wow.
I've come a long way, guys. Or have I?
It was a pivotal year, I think we can all agree. A lot of lessons learned, a lot of things changed. For the best, in the end, I am starting to see.
Anyways.
8:30 at Joker's in Avenida. You're all invited--yes, Will, this means you, too. 714-9784 if you need directions/confirmation. Bring a few bucks to drink with, if you wish. No drinking/driving or I'll have your head.
Excited am I? Very much so. I get to go for sushi with my parents soon.
Jodi left today....I have a bunch of stuff but can't do it until later.
Amen to procrastination. *bliss*
Lesley, got the message. I love you.
entry playlist
1. Finch - Letters To You
2. Strung Out - Velvet Alley
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard: 15
1.04.2004
The Last Beautiful Girl
T-minus 4 hours until I turn 18.....
Mel and Sheila bought me a "Punk Rawk" video for said holiday. Alison gave me the three leftover bottles of Kokanee from New Years. I think I'm getting a digital camera. Whoooo.
I have lost my appetite completely. It's...weird.
My mom just yelled at me because I shut up about my knee and its eternal hurting for a while. "Is it better?" "Well, no Mom, because its TENDONITIS and it DOESN'T GO AWAY." Now she wants me to go back to physio.
What the fuck. It doesn't make a bloody difference anyways. I go, I bike, I wall-squat, I get iced, I get muscle stimulants [electrodes...fun!], I get ultrasound, I go home. I hurt just as much the next day. See? POINTLESS.
What have I been up to?
Aside from having countless heated arguments with Selfish Bitch, Bleeding Heart, and Sanity & Conscience [see December 1st 2003 for full details], I did some social-type events. Friday I went to Alison's for a practice...yay for new songs! Went for Moxies and then to Cori's for Pirates on Friday night after my 3 hour shift at Z. Saturday I worked and then went bowling with the Brenchly crew, where Pierre showed us all up. Damn you.
Sunday--today--I worked. Counted down the hours until The Birthday. Came home, ate dinner, read for a bit. Attempting to catch up with blogs/emails/website requests. Am chatting. Also bored.
I don't feel 18 yet.....
Oh. My. God.
My parents want to come to Joker's....no dear god NO, they CANNOT be there. They can stay until 9-ish---like I told them---and then they can leave. I am NOT having my parents there with all my friends! They don't like my friends!
Anyways.
I should fix my layout.
entry playlist
1. No Use For A Name - Lies Can't Pretend
2. New Found Glory - Head On Collision
3. Doves - There Goes The Fear
4. Less Than Jake - All My Best Friends Are Metalheads
5. Matthew Good Band - Failing The Rorchach Test
6. Swollen Members ft. Nelly Furtado - Breath
7. Matthew Good Band - Native Son
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard: 16
T-minus 4 hours until I turn 18.....
Mel and Sheila bought me a "Punk Rawk" video for said holiday. Alison gave me the three leftover bottles of Kokanee from New Years. I think I'm getting a digital camera. Whoooo.
I have lost my appetite completely. It's...weird.
My mom just yelled at me because I shut up about my knee and its eternal hurting for a while. "Is it better?" "Well, no Mom, because its TENDONITIS and it DOESN'T GO AWAY." Now she wants me to go back to physio.
What the fuck. It doesn't make a bloody difference anyways. I go, I bike, I wall-squat, I get iced, I get muscle stimulants [electrodes...fun!], I get ultrasound, I go home. I hurt just as much the next day. See? POINTLESS.
What have I been up to?
Aside from having countless heated arguments with Selfish Bitch, Bleeding Heart, and Sanity & Conscience [see December 1st 2003 for full details], I did some social-type events. Friday I went to Alison's for a practice...yay for new songs! Went for Moxies and then to Cori's for Pirates on Friday night after my 3 hour shift at Z. Saturday I worked and then went bowling with the Brenchly crew, where Pierre showed us all up. Damn you.
Sunday--today--I worked. Counted down the hours until The Birthday. Came home, ate dinner, read for a bit. Attempting to catch up with blogs/emails/website requests. Am chatting. Also bored.
I don't feel 18 yet.....
Oh. My. God.
My parents want to come to Joker's....no dear god NO, they CANNOT be there. They can stay until 9-ish---like I told them---and then they can leave. I am NOT having my parents there with all my friends! They don't like my friends!
Anyways.
I should fix my layout.
entry playlist
1. No Use For A Name - Lies Can't Pretend
2. New Found Glory - Head On Collision
3. Doves - There Goes The Fear
4. Less Than Jake - All My Best Friends Are Metalheads
5. Matthew Good Band - Failing The Rorchach Test
6. Swollen Members ft. Nelly Furtado - Breath
7. Matthew Good Band - Native Son
days until Eve 6/Cauterize/Yellowcard: 16
1.02.2004
Friday Mourning
My brother is "jamming" on his guitar.....badly. Ouch my ears. Plus, he hasn't tuned it yet. Ouch.
Saw Kill Bill with Lisa last night, great movie, awesome fight scenes, etc.
Got home at 1:45. My night-owl tendencies are flaring up again.
Went to Timmy's after we dropped her sister at home. Got hot chocolate [me] and ice caps [her]. Talked about New Years, etc. Nick and some other guys I recognized came in from Dixons. Lisa and I kept talking.
Shawn's worried about me. I don't blame him. Ahh, the way things work. It's....disturbing. No. Reassuring. No. Fuck. I don't know.
I'm drowning you out. Little by little.
Feeling better today, my stomache ache that passed for a hangover went away.
I'll have to do a big huge "2003 in review" entry sometime in the near future. Maybe on my birthday.
8:30 PM at JOKER'S in AVENIDA on MONDAY January 5th.
There. I said it. Now none of you have any excuse not to go. Except not being 18.
"I've been waiting on the sidelines / All this time, all this time / And I've got a grenade / With our names scratched on the side / Well that's just love / And you know that love's not enough."
entry playlist
1. No Use For A Name - On The Outside
2. Avril Lavigne - Too Much To Ask
3. Blink 182 - Please Take Me Home
4. Dashboard Confessional - Drowning
5. Matthew Good Band - The Rat Who Would Be King
days until my birthday: 3
My brother is "jamming" on his guitar.....badly. Ouch my ears. Plus, he hasn't tuned it yet. Ouch.
Saw Kill Bill with Lisa last night, great movie, awesome fight scenes, etc.
Got home at 1:45. My night-owl tendencies are flaring up again.
Went to Timmy's after we dropped her sister at home. Got hot chocolate [me] and ice caps [her]. Talked about New Years, etc. Nick and some other guys I recognized came in from Dixons. Lisa and I kept talking.
Shawn's worried about me. I don't blame him. Ahh, the way things work. It's....disturbing. No. Reassuring. No. Fuck. I don't know.
I'm drowning you out. Little by little.
Feeling better today, my stomache ache that passed for a hangover went away.
I'll have to do a big huge "2003 in review" entry sometime in the near future. Maybe on my birthday.
8:30 PM at JOKER'S in AVENIDA on MONDAY January 5th.
There. I said it. Now none of you have any excuse not to go. Except not being 18.
"I've been waiting on the sidelines / All this time, all this time / And I've got a grenade / With our names scratched on the side / Well that's just love / And you know that love's not enough."
entry playlist
1. No Use For A Name - On The Outside
2. Avril Lavigne - Too Much To Ask
3. Blink 182 - Please Take Me Home
4. Dashboard Confessional - Drowning
5. Matthew Good Band - The Rat Who Would Be King
days until my birthday: 3
1.01.2004
Happy New Year
Well...let's see...
Full disclosure? Or no disclosure? Do you guys really care what I did after 12:00 AM, January 1st, 2004?
I think not. Little disclosure it is.
I think my New Year's can be summed up in the following:
"New Years Eve was as boring as heaven,
I watched flies fuck on Channel 11.
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink;
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink.
And there's no ring on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry"
Yep, that about covers it. Renegade gets drunk, gets no actual kiss at midnight [I got cheek from Ms and Sf], corners HIM in a bathroom and proceeds to have a psychotic episode worthy of committal.
I get violent when I'm drunk. This is news to me. Apparently not to him.
I drew blood, I hit him, I pushed him, I basically went schizo, I fucked up.
There was no excuse for what I did, and I'm sorry. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish. Somewhere in the back of my intoxicated little mind was a valid reason for what I did.....or what I thought I was doing.
All I've done now is make 15 people see me as the Psycho Bitch. All I've done is ruin what shaky little friendship I might have been able to salvage with you. Fuck.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
MS sent me back to SF's at 4 AM. I insisted on walking by myself. My original plan was just to leave and then walk around Bonavista until dawn. Curl up in a bus shelter and hope I didn't freeze to death--although at that point, some little part of me was hoping for the worst. As bad as that sounds.
But really, all of that happened after 12:00 AM. Nothing between then and when I woke up at SF's house this morning really mattered anyway. Ignore the fact that I made a fool of myself in front of THREE eligible bachelors. Or that [at least] 15 pretty cool people think I'm a fucking schizo. Or, you know, the fact that I AM a fucking schizo.
Fuck fuck fuck FUCKING HELL.
I can't call and apologize. There's nothing I can say. Nothing I can do except hide for the next 365 days and hope that next time I see him [if there IS a next time...] I won't try to go all Warrior Princess on him.
Urg.
Happy New Years, everybody.
entry playlist
1. -none-
days until my birthday: 4
Well...let's see...
Full disclosure? Or no disclosure? Do you guys really care what I did after 12:00 AM, January 1st, 2004?
I think not. Little disclosure it is.
I think my New Year's can be summed up in the following:
"New Years Eve was as boring as heaven,
I watched flies fuck on Channel 11.
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink;
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink.
And there's no ring on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry"
Yep, that about covers it. Renegade gets drunk, gets no actual kiss at midnight [I got cheek from Ms and Sf], corners HIM in a bathroom and proceeds to have a psychotic episode worthy of committal.
I get violent when I'm drunk. This is news to me. Apparently not to him.
I drew blood, I hit him, I pushed him, I basically went schizo, I fucked up.
There was no excuse for what I did, and I'm sorry. I don't know what I was trying to accomplish. Somewhere in the back of my intoxicated little mind was a valid reason for what I did.....or what I thought I was doing.
All I've done now is make 15 people see me as the Psycho Bitch. All I've done is ruin what shaky little friendship I might have been able to salvage with you. Fuck.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
MS sent me back to SF's at 4 AM. I insisted on walking by myself. My original plan was just to leave and then walk around Bonavista until dawn. Curl up in a bus shelter and hope I didn't freeze to death--although at that point, some little part of me was hoping for the worst. As bad as that sounds.
But really, all of that happened after 12:00 AM. Nothing between then and when I woke up at SF's house this morning really mattered anyway. Ignore the fact that I made a fool of myself in front of THREE eligible bachelors. Or that [at least] 15 pretty cool people think I'm a fucking schizo. Or, you know, the fact that I AM a fucking schizo.
Fuck fuck fuck FUCKING HELL.
I can't call and apologize. There's nothing I can say. Nothing I can do except hide for the next 365 days and hope that next time I see him [if there IS a next time...] I won't try to go all Warrior Princess on him.
Urg.
Happy New Years, everybody.
entry playlist
1. -none-
days until my birthday: 4
