Oh You Stupid Blonde
I just reread my own entry. Then went and read his.
I can only imagine how disgustingly sugary-sweet this must be for the rest of you.
But I don't care, because....wow.
Yeah. I just don't care.
So take that and stick it up your ass.
2.29.2004
No One Else
I feel intensly guilty, because I always expect him to save me.
And I think I forget about how there's two people in this relationship, not just me.
I don't deserve him, I know that. I don't deserve this guy who is everything I've been looking for all this time. I have no right to be with him, when he's got so much going for him besides being with me. I still haven't figured out what, if anything, he sees in me. Besides my great ass, if course. Yes, I can accept that I have a nice ass.
Anyways.
I fell asleep on his bed last night during the movie. I woke up because I had a particularily intense leg spasm, and the first thing I saw was the smile on his face. I think I mumbled something about being sorry for nodding off, and possibly drooling on his shirt.
I want to do something really romantic, something to really show him how much he means to me. I've been turning it around in my head alot, and I just can't come up with anything. This, also, makes me frustrated.
My mom's been bitching at me about scholarships; namely, applying for them. I hate this shit.
I just lay there last night, looking at him. So many things I wanted to say, but I keep them locked inside.
Don't know why I don't just take a deep breath and let loose with words. What do I have to lose? Nothing, I know. Which is why I find it so strange that I have such a problem telling him how I feel. Usually I'm just a fountain of verbal diarrhea. I think part of the problem is my words always get mixed up and come out mangled when I get really nervous.
He makes me speechless and stupid. How frustrating is that? The best thing that's ever happened to me, and I can't find the fucking words for it. God, I'm a moron.
Hey, give me a call tonight when you get home...I'll be up for awhile. If you even read this tonight before, like....1 AM.
Head over heels, I guess, is the closest I'm going to come to explaining this tonight.
entry playlist
1. Remy Zero - Shattered
2. Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want
3. Lori Carson - I Want To Believe You
4. Dashboard Confessional - Saints and Sailors
5. Oasis - Wonderwall
6. Matthew Good Band - I, The Throw Away
7. Eric Whitacre - October
I feel intensly guilty, because I always expect him to save me.
And I think I forget about how there's two people in this relationship, not just me.
I don't deserve him, I know that. I don't deserve this guy who is everything I've been looking for all this time. I have no right to be with him, when he's got so much going for him besides being with me. I still haven't figured out what, if anything, he sees in me. Besides my great ass, if course. Yes, I can accept that I have a nice ass.
Anyways.
I fell asleep on his bed last night during the movie. I woke up because I had a particularily intense leg spasm, and the first thing I saw was the smile on his face. I think I mumbled something about being sorry for nodding off, and possibly drooling on his shirt.
I want to do something really romantic, something to really show him how much he means to me. I've been turning it around in my head alot, and I just can't come up with anything. This, also, makes me frustrated.
My mom's been bitching at me about scholarships; namely, applying for them. I hate this shit.
I just lay there last night, looking at him. So many things I wanted to say, but I keep them locked inside.
Don't know why I don't just take a deep breath and let loose with words. What do I have to lose? Nothing, I know. Which is why I find it so strange that I have such a problem telling him how I feel. Usually I'm just a fountain of verbal diarrhea. I think part of the problem is my words always get mixed up and come out mangled when I get really nervous.
He makes me speechless and stupid. How frustrating is that? The best thing that's ever happened to me, and I can't find the fucking words for it. God, I'm a moron.
Hey, give me a call tonight when you get home...I'll be up for awhile. If you even read this tonight before, like....1 AM.
Head over heels, I guess, is the closest I'm going to come to explaining this tonight.
entry playlist
1. Remy Zero - Shattered
2. Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want
3. Lori Carson - I Want To Believe You
4. Dashboard Confessional - Saints and Sailors
5. Oasis - Wonderwall
6. Matthew Good Band - I, The Throw Away
7. Eric Whitacre - October
2.28.2004
And You
Want to scream.
Having this vision of myself in my head right now, standing in the middle of my room and throwing things everywhere. Putting gouges in the walls and tearing my posters off the walls.
And screaming, just screaming at nothing and everything and smashing my TV in with my fists and crying hysterically and breaking the mirror and bleeding from my hands and tearing paper and shattered CD cases and burnt photographs and torn-up mattresses.
I don't know why I feel this way right now. Nothing has happened in the last two hours.
Ug. I just really want to see him.
Just got off the phone with Maureen and Melissa. Told them both that I'm not going out tonight. I just don't feel up to it...and I don't know why.
That scares me, this not knowing why I feel all depressed and moody. I'm so tragic sometimes. Self-imposed misery and all that.
I really hope he calls me tonight after work. I want to see him. Like, really want to see him.
It'sfunny, pathetic, creepy, intriguing, how I constantly need this validation from him. I know I've loosened up around him [a LOT]. That shows. He's made me a better person. That shows too. I know he cares alot about me.
Fuck.
I wish I could talk about this. But a blog with 23,000 hits isn't exactly private, is it? And I don't want to go to my other journals. I just want to sit here and write half-assed cryptic entries because I'm in a mood for whining. Guess that's what I'm doing right now.
What I should be doing, is holing up with some AK3 or RUFiO.
God, why does Box Car have to be so sad?
I think I'll call him. Hopefully he wants to see me tonight.
My words are faded.
entry playlist
1. Armour For Sleep - Dream To Make-Believe
2. Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves At New Jersey
3. Tonic - You Wanted More
4. No Use For A Name - Dumb Reminders
5. Bush- Glycerine
6. Box Car Racer - There Is
7. Elliott - Calm Americans
Want to scream.
Having this vision of myself in my head right now, standing in the middle of my room and throwing things everywhere. Putting gouges in the walls and tearing my posters off the walls.
And screaming, just screaming at nothing and everything and smashing my TV in with my fists and crying hysterically and breaking the mirror and bleeding from my hands and tearing paper and shattered CD cases and burnt photographs and torn-up mattresses.
I don't know why I feel this way right now. Nothing has happened in the last two hours.
Ug. I just really want to see him.
Just got off the phone with Maureen and Melissa. Told them both that I'm not going out tonight. I just don't feel up to it...and I don't know why.
That scares me, this not knowing why I feel all depressed and moody. I'm so tragic sometimes. Self-imposed misery and all that.
I really hope he calls me tonight after work. I want to see him. Like, really want to see him.
It's
Fuck.
I wish I could talk about this. But a blog with 23,000 hits isn't exactly private, is it? And I don't want to go to my other journals. I just want to sit here and write half-assed cryptic entries because I'm in a mood for whining. Guess that's what I'm doing right now.
What I should be doing, is holing up with some AK3 or RUFiO.
God, why does Box Car have to be so sad?
I think I'll call him. Hopefully he wants to see me tonight.
My words are faded.
entry playlist
1. Armour For Sleep - Dream To Make-Believe
2. Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves At New Jersey
3. Tonic - You Wanted More
4. No Use For A Name - Dumb Reminders
5. Bush- Glycerine
6. Box Car Racer - There Is
7. Elliott - Calm Americans
Dartwars!
Updates:
I got the tickets.
I played Dartwars today.
I spent time with Will last night.
I wanted to go to Tequila.
But instead we're going to the Alley.
Which is cool too, I guess.
I got some awesome pictures done.
Applied with an 87.4% average to MRC.
There's pizza downstairs.
I need an hour to myself.
And I want Will to come to the Alley.
But I don't expect him to because he's busy.
Which is cool. Cool as in fine. Temperate.
OK, I'm off for pizza.
entry playlist
1. Dashboard Confessional - Ender Will Save Us All
2. Jewel - Foolish Games
Updates:
I got the tickets.
I played Dartwars today.
I spent time with Will last night.
I wanted to go to Tequila.
But instead we're going to the Alley.
Which is cool too, I guess.
I got some awesome pictures done.
Applied with an 87.4% average to MRC.
There's pizza downstairs.
I need an hour to myself.
And I want Will to come to the Alley.
But I don't expect him to because he's busy.
Which is cool. Cool as in fine. Temperate.
OK, I'm off for pizza.
entry playlist
1. Dashboard Confessional - Ender Will Save Us All
2. Jewel - Foolish Games
2.27.2004
Ice Fog
Fuck.
My plan for tonight is ruined unless the sky clears up...and it gets really warm really fast.
All I need is it to be above 5 degrees.
OK, I'll settle for above 1.
I'm still not sure how I feel about this layout. I have a feeling it's going to take a few weeks for me to actually like it. And why I picked it over the TBS one? Well, I always do layouts like that. Billy Talent, The Starting Line, and even the black/white mess that was Visual Breakdown [the one with all the contrasting triangles]. I wanted something....cleaner.
But I think the problem is my sidebar content, not the layout. I have too much crap on the sidelines. I mean, does anybody actually read that stuff anyway? Nope, I doubt it too.
To me you are the light from a lightbulb that breaks sometimes. And the tender warmth inside is released into my life...
I'm a little melancholy today but I'm not totally sure why.
Good news though:
The ATARIS play at Mac Hall on April 10th!!!!!! Tickets go on sale tomorrow morning at 10 AM, at all Ticketmaster outlets, and it'll set you back 25$ plus service charges. No word yet on who [if anybody] is joining them. The Calgary date was just announced last night, so there's nothing online about it yet.
My mom said we were planning on going on holidays in that week...but I'm buying tickets anyways tomorrow. By "tickets" I mean "for me and Mel, because I owe her money".
Phoom. I'm gonna be so poor. Because it's not just tickets, its merchandise, too. Like Broken Social Scene/The Stills next Saturday. Good lord, I want a hoodie.
I'm looking so forward to spending more time with him tonight. My mom's been complaining how I just mope around the house until he calls.
Yay.
Fuck.
My plan for tonight is ruined unless the sky clears up...and it gets really warm really fast.
All I need is it to be above 5 degrees.
OK, I'll settle for above 1.
I'm still not sure how I feel about this layout. I have a feeling it's going to take a few weeks for me to actually like it. And why I picked it over the TBS one? Well, I always do layouts like that. Billy Talent, The Starting Line, and even the black/white mess that was Visual Breakdown [the one with all the contrasting triangles]. I wanted something....cleaner.
But I think the problem is my sidebar content, not the layout. I have too much crap on the sidelines. I mean, does anybody actually read that stuff anyway? Nope, I doubt it too.
To me you are the light from a lightbulb that breaks sometimes. And the tender warmth inside is released into my life...
I'm a little melancholy today but I'm not totally sure why.
Good news though:
The ATARIS play at Mac Hall on April 10th!!!!!! Tickets go on sale tomorrow morning at 10 AM, at all Ticketmaster outlets, and it'll set you back 25$ plus service charges. No word yet on who [if anybody] is joining them. The Calgary date was just announced last night, so there's nothing online about it yet.
My mom said we were planning on going on holidays in that week...but I'm buying tickets anyways tomorrow. By "tickets" I mean "for me and Mel, because I owe her money".
Phoom. I'm gonna be so poor. Because it's not just tickets, its merchandise, too. Like Broken Social Scene/The Stills next Saturday. Good lord, I want a hoodie.
I'm looking so forward to spending more time with him tonight. My mom's been complaining how I just mope around the house until he calls.
Yay.
The Ultimate Movie List
1. Copy the following list into your livejournal.[/blog.]
2. Bold the movies you've seen.
3. Add five more movies that you've seen to the bottom of the list.
4. Pass it on.
1. X-Men
2. The Craft
3. X2
4. Swimfan
5. Fellowship of the Ring
6. Finding Nemo
7. Peter Pan (Disney version)
8. Home Alone
9. Aladdin
10. The Ring
11. 10 Things I Hate About You
12. Not Another Teen Movie
13. Spice World
14. 8 Mile
15. Bambi
16. Pirates of the Caribbean
17. Edward Scissorhands
18. Stepmom
19. My Best Friend's Wedding
20. 101 Dalmatians
21. Scream
22. Scream 2
23. Scream 3
24. Big Daddy
25. Billy Madison
26. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's / Sorcerer's Stone
27. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
28. Heartbreakers
29. Dumb & Dumber
30. Two Week's Notice
31. Scary Movie
32. Look Who's Talking
33. Blade
34. Blade II
35. O
36. Titanic
37. Carrie
38. Carrie 2: The Rage
39. Daddy Day Care
40. Legally Blonde
41. Austin Powers
42. Storm of the Century
43. Oliver and Company
44. The Two Towers
45. Return of the King
46. Mighty Ducks
47. Fast and the Furious
48. 2 Fast, 2 Furious
49. A Walk To Remember
50. XXX
51. Beauty and the Beast
52. I Know What You Did Last Summer
53. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
54. The Sound of Music
55. Mary Poppins
56. Tuck Everlasting
57. The Patriot
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Teaching Mrs Tingle
60. Crossroads
61. Now and Then
62. Pearl Harbor
63. Just Married
64. Cast Away
65. Radio Flyer
66. Final Destination
67. Lady and the Tramp
68. Shallow Hal
69. 40 Days and 40 Nights
70. Bring It On
71. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
72. The Outsiders
73. The Matrix
74. Perfect Storm
75. Cruel Intentions
76. Never Been Kissed
77. Clueless
78. Bruce Almighty
79. Remember the Titans
81. Girl, Interrupted
82. SWAT
83. Sixth Sense
84. Phone Booth
85. The Lion King
86. Urban Legends
87. Nightflier
88. Lion King 2
89. Little Mermaid
90. American Pie
91. Center Stage
92. Scooby Doo
93. Bedazzled
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl
97. American Beauty
98. Romeo & Juliet
99. Lost World
100. Casper
101. Miss Congeniality
102. The Rock
103. Face/Off
104. Moulin Rouge
105. Sleeping Beauty
106. Alien
107. Tombstone
108. Lake Placid
109. The Recruit
110. The Shining
111. Pocahontas
112. Win a Date with Tad Hamilton
113. Koyaanisqatsi
114. Princess Mononoke
115. Braveheart
116. Gone With the Wind
117. She's All That
118. Heavy Metal
119. Remo Williams
120. Fried Green Tomatoes
121. Steel Magnolias
122. Fight Club
123. Star Wars
124. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
125. Small Soldiers
126. Clerks
127. Magnolia
128. Wild Things
129. The Nightmare Before Christmas
130. What Dreams May Come
131. Fierce Creatures
132. Frequency
133. The Others
134. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
135. Along Came A Spider
136. Annie
137. Eyes Wide Shut
138. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
139. Practical Magic
140. Down With Love
141. The Fifth Element
142. Donnie Darko
143. Kiki's Delivery Service
144. Big Fish
145. Chasing Amy
146. Unbearable Lightness of Being
147. Parent Trap
148. Great Expectations
149. Bridges of Madison County
150. I Am Sam
151. Life as a House
152. Prince of Tides
153. Kill Bill Vol. 1
154. Bowling For Columbine
155. Elf
156. Spun
157. Weekend at Bernie's
158. The House of Mirth
159. The Rose
160. Chocolat
161. Requiem for a Dream
162. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
163. The Mask
164. Gia
165. Secretary
166. The Big Lebowski
167. Rushmore
168. Return to Me
169. Muppets Take Manhattan
170. The X-Files: Fight The Future
171. Moonstruck
172. Happy Gilmore
173. Mona Lisa Smile
174. Bad Boys
175. Bad Boys 2
176. The Delta Force
177. A League of Their Own
178. Murder by Death
179. The Hot Chick
180. Shrek
181. Groundhog Day
182. Liar Liar
183. House of Sand & Fog
184. Adventures in Babysitting
185. Monty Python & the Holy Grail
186. Hedwig & the Angry Inch
187. As Good As It Gets
188. Murder By Numbers
189. The Unsaid
190. 12 Monkeys
191. Igby Goes Down
192. The Mummy
193. The New Guy
194. Girl
195. And Starring Pancho Villa As Himself
196. Valentine
197. Wag the Dog
198. Spirited Away
199. Almost Famous
200. Royal Tenenbaums
201. Citizen Kane
202. Lost In Translation
203. Sid and Nancy
204. Empire Records
205. Suspiria
206. Niagara Niagara
207. Sweethearts (w/ Janeane Garofalo)
208. Dead Man Walking
209. My Dog Skip
210. American History X
211. Minority Report
212. Spaceballs
213. The Last of the Mohicans
214. The Mists of Avalon (TV version)
215. The Horseman on the Roof (French version)
216. The Birdcage (with Robin Williams and Nathan Lane)
217. Peter Pan (2003)
218. Frailty
219. Men of Honor
220. Meet the Parents
221. Bend It Like Beckham
222. Speed
223. The Count of Monte Cristo (1934)
224. Highlander
225. Die Hard
226. The Goonies
227. The Last Unicorn
228. Monsters, Inc.
229. Muriel's Wedding
230. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
231. Cold Mountain
232. Battle Royale
233. Tampopo
234. A Face In the Crowd
235. Tigerland
235. Road Trip
236. Better than Chocolate
237. Y tu mama tambien
238. Vertigo
239. Ordinary People
240. Plata Quemada
241. Dil Se
242. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
243. Man with a Movie Camera (1929)
244. Some Like It Hot
245. Andrei Rublev
246. A Matter of Life and Death
247. Metropolis
248. Dawn of the Dead
249. Ed Wood
250. My Beautiful Laundrette
251. The Killer
252. The Princess Bride
253. Gallipoli
254. Black Hawk Down
255. Aliens
256. Breakfast At Tiffany's
257. Pitch Black
258. Casablanca
259. My Fair Lady
260. Monster's Ball
261. Death Becomes Her
262. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
263. What Lies Beneath
264. Boondock Saints
265. Velvet Goldmine
266. Elizabeth
267. Anne of the Thousand Days
268. Doctor Zhivago
269. Chicago
270. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
275. Whale Rider
276. Victor/Victoria
277. Sense and Sensibility
278. Freaky Friday (old version)
279. Love Actually
280. The Philadelphia Story
281. Roman Holiday
282. What a Girl Wants
283. Zoolander
284. Count of Monte Cristo
285. Amelie
286. Dave
287. Brother Bear
288. A Wrinkle In Time
289. Rabbit Proof Fence
290. Bram Stoker's Dracula
291. Benny and Joon
292. October Sky
293. Mulan
294. Singing in the Rain
295. The Ninth Gate
296. Legend of the Blue Dragon
297. Robin Hood: Men in Tights
298. Resident Evil 1
299. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
300. Playing Mona Lisa
301. The Man from Snowy River
302. Lady Hawke
303. Camelot
304. Catch Me if You Can
305. Holes
306. The Matrix: Reloaded
307. Cookie's Fortune
308. Crazy In Alabama
309. From Hell
310. The Ghost And The Darkness
311. La Vita e Bella /Life Is Beautiful
312. Triumph of the Will
313. Escape From Sobibor
314. Enemy at the Gates
315. Shining Through
316. Inventing the Abbotts
317. Bridget Jones's Diary
318. Whatever It Takes
319. Dogma
320. Mallrats
321. Hamlet (Mel Gibson version)
322. Hamlet (Kenneth Branagh version) (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
323. Much Ado About Nothing
325. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
326. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
327. Pump Up The Volume
328. Pi
329. The War At Home
330. The Secret Garden
331. Intermission
332. Dead Man
333. Captain Horatio Hornblower (with Gregory Peck)
334. Gangster No. 1
335. Tonari No Totoro (My Neighbor Totoro)
336. The Fox and the Hound
337. The Animatrix
338. Spiderman
339. The Empire Strikes Back
340. Seabiscuit
341. Philadelphia
342. To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar
343. The Adventures Of Priscilla; Queen Of The Desert
344. The Witches Of Eastwick
345. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
346. How to Deal
347. The Day the Earth Stood Still
348. Little Shop of Horrors
349. Freddy VS. Jason
350. Enemy Mine
351. Billy Elliot
352. Hunchback of Notre Dame
353. Return of the Jedi
354. Saving Private Ryan
355. The Emperor's New Groove
356. Dreamcatcher
357. Con Air
358. The Neverending Story
359. Legend
360. The Abyss
361. Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
362. This is Spinal Tap
363. The Shawshank Redemption
364. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
365. The Seven Year Itch
366. The Incredible Mr. Limpet
367. Six String Samurai
368. Tremors
369. Color of Night
370. Prince of the Sun
371. Reality Bites
372. Sweet November
373. Only You
374. You've Got Mail
375. Frida
376. Tucker: A Man and His Dream
377. Real Genius
378. Time After Time
379. Teen Witch
380. Electric Dreams
381. The Station Agent
382. Stand and Deliver
383. singles
384. Scotland, PA
385. Diner
386. The Rescuers
387. The Rescuers Down Under
388. Lilo & Stitch
389. The Truman Show
390. L.A. Story
391. Eve's Bayou
392. Apocalypse Now
393. Love & Basketball
394. No Small Affair
395. Hard-Boiled
396. The Ten Commandments
397. Mahogany
398. The Italian Job
399. Batman & Robin
400. The Blues Brothers
401. Wings of Honneamise: Royal Space Force
402. To Kill A Mockingbird
403. Full Metal Jacket
404. Superman: The Movie
405. The Last Dragon
406. Interview with a Vampire
407. Lola Rennt (Run Lola Run)
408. Hackers
409. Anti-Trust
410. Ronin
411. Army of Darkness
412. Evil Dead
413. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
414. Tokyo Godfathers
415. Dark City
416. 12 Angry Men
417. Manos the Hands of Fate
418. The Seven Samurai
419. Heathers
420. Forrest Gump
421. A Clockwork Orange
422. Toy Story
423. Hook
424. The Breakfast Club
425. The Silence of the Lambs
426. The Apartment
427. When Harry Met Sallly
428. Stalag 17
429. Destry Rides Again
430. Witness for the Prosecution
431. Flight of Dragons
432. Toy Story 2
433. Macbeth (with Kenneth Branaugh)
434. RAN
435. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
436. Evil Dead 2
437. Die Another Day
438. The World Is No Enough
439. From Russia With Love
440. Punch Drunk Love
I know I cheaped out and used three Bond flicks....but thats all we watch at my house since my dad got the box sets.
1. Copy the following list into your livejournal.[/blog.]
2. Bold the movies you've seen.
3. Add five more movies that you've seen to the bottom of the list.
4. Pass it on.
1. X-Men
2. The Craft
3. X2
4. Swimfan
5. Fellowship of the Ring
6. Finding Nemo
7. Peter Pan (Disney version)
8. Home Alone
9. Aladdin
10. The Ring
11. 10 Things I Hate About You
12. Not Another Teen Movie
13. Spice World
14. 8 Mile
15. Bambi
16. Pirates of the Caribbean
17. Edward Scissorhands
18. Stepmom
19. My Best Friend's Wedding
20. 101 Dalmatians
21. Scream
22. Scream 2
23. Scream 3
24. Big Daddy
25. Billy Madison
26. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's / Sorcerer's Stone
27. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
28. Heartbreakers
29. Dumb & Dumber
30. Two Week's Notice
31. Scary Movie
32. Look Who's Talking
33. Blade
34. Blade II
35. O
36. Titanic
37. Carrie
38. Carrie 2: The Rage
39. Daddy Day Care
40. Legally Blonde
41. Austin Powers
42. Storm of the Century
43. Oliver and Company
44. The Two Towers
45. Return of the King
46. Mighty Ducks
47. Fast and the Furious
48. 2 Fast, 2 Furious
49. A Walk To Remember
50. XXX
51. Beauty and the Beast
52. I Know What You Did Last Summer
53. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
54. The Sound of Music
55. Mary Poppins
56. Tuck Everlasting
57. The Patriot
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Teaching Mrs Tingle
60. Crossroads
61. Now and Then
62. Pearl Harbor
63. Just Married
64. Cast Away
65. Radio Flyer
66. Final Destination
67. Lady and the Tramp
68. Shallow Hal
69. 40 Days and 40 Nights
70. Bring It On
71. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
72. The Outsiders
73. The Matrix
74. Perfect Storm
75. Cruel Intentions
76. Never Been Kissed
77. Clueless
78. Bruce Almighty
79. Remember the Titans
81. Girl, Interrupted
82. SWAT
83. Sixth Sense
84. Phone Booth
85. The Lion King
86. Urban Legends
87. Nightflier
88. Lion King 2
89. Little Mermaid
90. American Pie
91. Center Stage
92. Scooby Doo
93. Bedazzled
94. Mrs. Doubtfire
95. Save the Last Dance
96. My Girl
97. American Beauty
98. Romeo & Juliet
99. Lost World
100. Casper
101. Miss Congeniality
102. The Rock
103. Face/Off
104. Moulin Rouge
105. Sleeping Beauty
106. Alien
107. Tombstone
108. Lake Placid
109. The Recruit
110. The Shining
111. Pocahontas
112. Win a Date with Tad Hamilton
113. Koyaanisqatsi
114. Princess Mononoke
115. Braveheart
116. Gone With the Wind
117. She's All That
118. Heavy Metal
119. Remo Williams
120. Fried Green Tomatoes
121. Steel Magnolias
122. Fight Club
123. Star Wars
124. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
125. Small Soldiers
126. Clerks
127. Magnolia
128. Wild Things
129. The Nightmare Before Christmas
130. What Dreams May Come
131. Fierce Creatures
132. Frequency
133. The Others
134. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
135. Along Came A Spider
136. Annie
137. Eyes Wide Shut
138. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
139. Practical Magic
140. Down With Love
141. The Fifth Element
142. Donnie Darko
143. Kiki's Delivery Service
144. Big Fish
145. Chasing Amy
146. Unbearable Lightness of Being
147. Parent Trap
148. Great Expectations
149. Bridges of Madison County
150. I Am Sam
151. Life as a House
152. Prince of Tides
153. Kill Bill Vol. 1
154. Bowling For Columbine
155. Elf
156. Spun
157. Weekend at Bernie's
158. The House of Mirth
159. The Rose
160. Chocolat
161. Requiem for a Dream
162. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
163. The Mask
164. Gia
165. Secretary
166. The Big Lebowski
167. Rushmore
168. Return to Me
169. Muppets Take Manhattan
170. The X-Files: Fight The Future
171. Moonstruck
172. Happy Gilmore
173. Mona Lisa Smile
174. Bad Boys
175. Bad Boys 2
176. The Delta Force
177. A League of Their Own
178. Murder by Death
179. The Hot Chick
180. Shrek
181. Groundhog Day
182. Liar Liar
183. House of Sand & Fog
184. Adventures in Babysitting
185. Monty Python & the Holy Grail
186. Hedwig & the Angry Inch
187. As Good As It Gets
188. Murder By Numbers
189. The Unsaid
190. 12 Monkeys
191. Igby Goes Down
192. The Mummy
193. The New Guy
194. Girl
195. And Starring Pancho Villa As Himself
196. Valentine
197. Wag the Dog
198. Spirited Away
199. Almost Famous
200. Royal Tenenbaums
201. Citizen Kane
202. Lost In Translation
203. Sid and Nancy
204. Empire Records
205. Suspiria
206. Niagara Niagara
207. Sweethearts (w/ Janeane Garofalo)
208. Dead Man Walking
209. My Dog Skip
210. American History X
211. Minority Report
212. Spaceballs
213. The Last of the Mohicans
214. The Mists of Avalon (TV version)
215. The Horseman on the Roof (French version)
216. The Birdcage (with Robin Williams and Nathan Lane)
217. Peter Pan (2003)
218. Frailty
219. Men of Honor
220. Meet the Parents
221. Bend It Like Beckham
222. Speed
223. The Count of Monte Cristo (1934)
224. Highlander
225. Die Hard
226. The Goonies
227. The Last Unicorn
228. Monsters, Inc.
229. Muriel's Wedding
230. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
231. Cold Mountain
232. Battle Royale
233. Tampopo
234. A Face In the Crowd
235. Tigerland
235. Road Trip
236. Better than Chocolate
237. Y tu mama tambien
238. Vertigo
239. Ordinary People
240. Plata Quemada
241. Dil Se
242. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
243. Man with a Movie Camera (1929)
244. Some Like It Hot
245. Andrei Rublev
246. A Matter of Life and Death
247. Metropolis
248. Dawn of the Dead
249. Ed Wood
250. My Beautiful Laundrette
251. The Killer
252. The Princess Bride
253. Gallipoli
254. Black Hawk Down
255. Aliens
256. Breakfast At Tiffany's
257. Pitch Black
258. Casablanca
259. My Fair Lady
260. Monster's Ball
261. Death Becomes Her
262. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
263. What Lies Beneath
264. Boondock Saints
265. Velvet Goldmine
266. Elizabeth
267. Anne of the Thousand Days
268. Doctor Zhivago
269. Chicago
270. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
275. Whale Rider
276. Victor/Victoria
277. Sense and Sensibility
278. Freaky Friday (old version)
279. Love Actually
280. The Philadelphia Story
281. Roman Holiday
282. What a Girl Wants
283. Zoolander
284. Count of Monte Cristo
285. Amelie
286. Dave
287. Brother Bear
288. A Wrinkle In Time
289. Rabbit Proof Fence
290. Bram Stoker's Dracula
291. Benny and Joon
292. October Sky
293. Mulan
294. Singing in the Rain
295. The Ninth Gate
296. Legend of the Blue Dragon
297. Robin Hood: Men in Tights
298. Resident Evil 1
299. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
300. Playing Mona Lisa
301. The Man from Snowy River
302. Lady Hawke
303. Camelot
304. Catch Me if You Can
305. Holes
306. The Matrix: Reloaded
307. Cookie's Fortune
308. Crazy In Alabama
309. From Hell
310. The Ghost And The Darkness
311. La Vita e Bella /Life Is Beautiful
312. Triumph of the Will
313. Escape From Sobibor
314. Enemy at the Gates
315. Shining Through
316. Inventing the Abbotts
317. Bridget Jones's Diary
318. Whatever It Takes
319. Dogma
320. Mallrats
321. Hamlet (Mel Gibson version)
322. Hamlet (Kenneth Branagh version) (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
323. Much Ado About Nothing
325. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
326. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
327. Pump Up The Volume
328. Pi
329. The War At Home
330. The Secret Garden
331. Intermission
332. Dead Man
333. Captain Horatio Hornblower (with Gregory Peck)
334. Gangster No. 1
335. Tonari No Totoro (My Neighbor Totoro)
336. The Fox and the Hound
337. The Animatrix
338. Spiderman
339. The Empire Strikes Back
340. Seabiscuit
341. Philadelphia
342. To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar
343. The Adventures Of Priscilla; Queen Of The Desert
344. The Witches Of Eastwick
345. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
346. How to Deal
347. The Day the Earth Stood Still
348. Little Shop of Horrors
349. Freddy VS. Jason
350. Enemy Mine
351. Billy Elliot
352. Hunchback of Notre Dame
353. Return of the Jedi
354. Saving Private Ryan
355. The Emperor's New Groove
356. Dreamcatcher
357. Con Air
358. The Neverending Story
359. Legend
360. The Abyss
361. Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
362. This is Spinal Tap
363. The Shawshank Redemption
364. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
365. The Seven Year Itch
366. The Incredible Mr. Limpet
367. Six String Samurai
368. Tremors
369. Color of Night
370. Prince of the Sun
371. Reality Bites
372. Sweet November
373. Only You
374. You've Got Mail
375. Frida
376. Tucker: A Man and His Dream
377. Real Genius
378. Time After Time
379. Teen Witch
380. Electric Dreams
381. The Station Agent
382. Stand and Deliver
383. singles
384. Scotland, PA
385. Diner
386. The Rescuers
387. The Rescuers Down Under
388. Lilo & Stitch
389. The Truman Show
390. L.A. Story
391. Eve's Bayou
392. Apocalypse Now
393. Love & Basketball
394. No Small Affair
395. Hard-Boiled
396. The Ten Commandments
397. Mahogany
398. The Italian Job
399. Batman & Robin
400. The Blues Brothers
401. Wings of Honneamise: Royal Space Force
402. To Kill A Mockingbird
403. Full Metal Jacket
404. Superman: The Movie
405. The Last Dragon
406. Interview with a Vampire
407. Lola Rennt (Run Lola Run)
408. Hackers
409. Anti-Trust
410. Ronin
411. Army of Darkness
412. Evil Dead
413. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
414. Tokyo Godfathers
415. Dark City
416. 12 Angry Men
417. Manos the Hands of Fate
418. The Seven Samurai
419. Heathers
420. Forrest Gump
421. A Clockwork Orange
422. Toy Story
423. Hook
424. The Breakfast Club
425. The Silence of the Lambs
426. The Apartment
427. When Harry Met Sallly
428. Stalag 17
429. Destry Rides Again
430. Witness for the Prosecution
431. Flight of Dragons
432. Toy Story 2
433. Macbeth (with Kenneth Branaugh)
434. RAN
435. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
436. Evil Dead 2
437. Die Another Day
438. The World Is No Enough
439. From Russia With Love
440. Punch Drunk Love
I know I cheaped out and used three Bond flicks....but thats all we watch at my house since my dad got the box sets.
2.26.2004
"Damn Baby, You Frustrate Me"
Mmmm. Acoustic John Mayer.
I wasted my time after we got off the phone.
I'm trying to teach my brother theory because he's having problems with his lessons. I decided to start with whole notes, half notes, quarters, and eights. You know, basic theory that he should have been taught in the first place.
And he would only work for 5 minutes.
I think he has a learning disability.
No, I'm not just saying that because I'm mad that he wouldn't soak up my musical nerdiness. Kale's always had problems learning new concepts.
I'm hoping my mom cuts off his lessons and gives them to me instead. Cuz playing the guitar would be a neat skill.
No, I don't. I hope Kale sticks with it. Because I think music is the most freeing thing in the world. I take solace in music. Nothing makes me happier. Well...almost nothing. Let's say music ties.
I have a good plan for tomorrow night. I just hope I can still get up there...
Plans are in the works for Tequila or something on Saturday. Depends if I work the next day. Hey Mel, could you check that out for me? Thanks hon.
I know I said I was giving up chocolate, but I ate the rest of my Rolo ice cream [oh hush, it was only a small bowl] from Will. With chocolate sauce. Lots of it. So starting tomorrow, no more chocolate. Seriously, guys.
Oh, and I applied for MRC today. I was tempted to keep my mom's credit card number and buy that Blogger shirt/hoodie I've been drooling over. Soon enough, blogwhores...
So the overwhelming consensus is the Taking Back Sunday layout, eh? Well, I hate to disappoint...
Maybe I'll get it up and running tomorrow. Again, we'll see.
I'll be going to sleep tonight happy, because I know Will's at least a little bit happy that he got the call from the Humber guy. But it still makes me a little depressed, because its another reminder that he's leaving. That time's running out.
And the problem with this...is that I'm a terminal procrastinator.
But that's leading me down a path of self-examination and thought that I'd rather stay off of tonight if I'm to get any work done on my layout.
Goodnight.
entry playlist
1. John Mayer - Your Body Is A Wonderland (Acoustic)
2. Dashboard Confessional - The Best Deceptions (Acoustic)
3. Hootie & The Blowfish - Let Her Cry (Acoustic)
4. Oasis - Wonderwall (no, not acoustic.)
5. Lori Carson - I Want To Believe You
6. Something Corporate - Konstantine
Mmmm. Acoustic John Mayer.
I wasted my time after we got off the phone.
I'm trying to teach my brother theory because he's having problems with his lessons. I decided to start with whole notes, half notes, quarters, and eights. You know, basic theory that he should have been taught in the first place.
And he would only work for 5 minutes.
I think he has a learning disability.
No, I'm not just saying that because I'm mad that he wouldn't soak up my musical nerdiness. Kale's always had problems learning new concepts.
I'm hoping my mom cuts off his lessons and gives them to me instead. Cuz playing the guitar would be a neat skill.
No, I don't. I hope Kale sticks with it. Because I think music is the most freeing thing in the world. I take solace in music. Nothing makes me happier. Well...almost nothing. Let's say music ties.
I have a good plan for tomorrow night. I just hope I can still get up there...
Plans are in the works for Tequila or something on Saturday. Depends if I work the next day. Hey Mel, could you check that out for me? Thanks hon.
I know I said I was giving up chocolate, but I ate the rest of my Rolo ice cream [oh hush, it was only a small bowl] from Will. With chocolate sauce. Lots of it. So starting tomorrow, no more chocolate. Seriously, guys.
Oh, and I applied for MRC today. I was tempted to keep my mom's credit card number and buy that Blogger shirt/hoodie I've been drooling over. Soon enough, blogwhores...
So the overwhelming consensus is the Taking Back Sunday layout, eh? Well, I hate to disappoint...
Maybe I'll get it up and running tomorrow. Again, we'll see.
I'll be going to sleep tonight happy, because I know Will's at least a little bit happy that he got the call from the Humber guy. But it still makes me a little depressed, because its another reminder that he's leaving. That time's running out.
And the problem with this...is that I'm a terminal procrastinator.
But that's leading me down a path of self-examination and thought that I'd rather stay off of tonight if I'm to get any work done on my layout.
Goodnight.
entry playlist
1. John Mayer - Your Body Is A Wonderland (Acoustic)
2. Dashboard Confessional - The Best Deceptions (Acoustic)
3. Hootie & The Blowfish - Let Her Cry (Acoustic)
4. Oasis - Wonderwall (no, not acoustic.)
5. Lori Carson - I Want To Believe You
6. Something Corporate - Konstantine
Stay What You Are
You worry too much.
And you think too highly of me. And not high enough of yourself.
But that's fine, because I do exactly the same thing.
I burned another copy of the CD because I fell in love with it all over again. It's too good of a CD to just make one copy of.
Maybe, sometime in June, I'll post the track listing. Because I think by June, I'll be ready to let the rest of you know what this CD means to me.
Anyway. Possible new layouts, one entry below.
Look and vote.
You worry too much.
And you think too highly of me. And not high enough of yourself.
But that's fine, because I do exactly the same thing.
I burned another copy of the CD because I fell in love with it all over again. It's too good of a CD to just make one copy of.
Maybe, sometime in June, I'll post the track listing. Because I think by June, I'll be ready to let the rest of you know what this CD means to me.
Anyway. Possible new layouts, one entry below.
Look and vote.
Sweet Jesus
I'm giving up chocolate for Lent.
Just as soon as I finish this free white chocolate mocha.
Hey, free coffee is free coffee.
And white chocolate isn't really chocolate...
I'm giving up chocolate for Lent.
Just as soon as I finish this free white chocolate mocha.
Hey, free coffee is free coffee.
And white chocolate isn't really chocolate...
Untouchable
So...
I left the house in a fog this morning. Literally, and mentally.
The air smells like the ocean. It's heavy with brine and seashells.
I felt more like I was on the coast this morning than in the middle of the Prairies. I let my breath puff out in white clouds because I liked the way they melted into the fog.
I did a lot of thinking.
I wish I could tell the world, make them understand. I wish everyone else could know how it feels.
I wish I could make him understand. I wish there was no such thing as curfews. I wish I was on my own.
My mom wasn't mad at me last night. I told her that we had to stop for gas. And I got up in time today.
I feel so incapable. Of speaking. Of expressing how I feel. Of having any kind of ability anywhere.
But I'm inexplicably happy. And still exhausted.
I also pulled a muscle in my leg, so it hurts to move. Go figure, eh?
[Maureen: 714-9784. After 5 PM.]
So...
I left the house in a fog this morning. Literally, and mentally.
The air smells like the ocean. It's heavy with brine and seashells.
I felt more like I was on the coast this morning than in the middle of the Prairies. I let my breath puff out in white clouds because I liked the way they melted into the fog.
I did a lot of thinking.
I wish I could tell the world, make them understand. I wish everyone else could know how it feels.
I wish I could make him understand. I wish there was no such thing as curfews. I wish I was on my own.
My mom wasn't mad at me last night. I told her that we had to stop for gas. And I got up in time today.
I feel so incapable. Of speaking. Of expressing how I feel. Of having any kind of ability anywhere.
But I'm inexplicably happy. And still exhausted.
I also pulled a muscle in my leg, so it hurts to move. Go figure, eh?
[Maureen: 714-9784. After 5 PM.]
2.25.2004
Newfound Mass (2000)
If I told you that I
Was thinking of moving east,
Would you save a place for me?
I'll come home
Because it's worse that I expected.
A place in my heart
For my home to the west
Where we'll watch the same sunsets,
And when I doubt...
I'll look east and lock my heart
In a brass box to newfound mass.
I'm breaking off but this is my home.
I'd do anything for you,
Give you the world if I could.
Is that what you want me to do?
These bridges and boundaries are bringing me closer to you.
-Saves The Day
If I told you that I
Was thinking of moving east,
Would you save a place for me?
I'll come home
Because it's worse that I expected.
A place in my heart
For my home to the west
Where we'll watch the same sunsets,
And when I doubt...
I'll look east and lock my heart
In a brass box to newfound mass.
I'm breaking off but this is my home.
I'd do anything for you,
Give you the world if I could.
Is that what you want me to do?
These bridges and boundaries are bringing me closer to you.
-Saves The Day
Crush Me Baby, I'm All Ears
All I need to do to finish my MRC application is double-check my marks. I have to "self report" them...I guess to see if I'm a lying pile o' crap. And how close I am to my actual transcripts.
I know I'm not lying about my 90% in Bio 30, though. I beat the living daylights out of anybody who took that course when I was in Grade 11. And I wasn't wrong about my Math 30 mark, either. I never worked so hard for a 73% in my life.
So...in eight months, I'll be grovelling at the proverbial ankles of Carleton, U of L, UBC, U of T, and Queens.
I'm really attracted to the idea of going to school in a huge city like Vancouver or Toronto. Ottawa, I want to go back to...mostly just because I fell in love with the city over Tour. And I was born there. So I guess I have roots there. Kinda.
Waiting to see. Hoping against hope.
It would be amazing if I can actually pull off the transfer.
Katimavik also came up with the Parentals.
But I want to go to school so bad. I feel like such a hobo, not being in school. I feel like I'm wasting my overdeveloped, nerdy brain. [I'm so modest.] I want to learn. I want to stick my nose in a book.
Yes, I'm well aware that two weeks after I start, I'll be whining and complaining about how much I hate school and how hard it is. Just remind me of this entry.
And I need to throw myself into something, quick. Guitar lessons? Possibly. I'm going to need one hell of a diversion come April. Throwing myself at guys cannot be one of them. Guitar lessons it is. I suck at learning different instruments. And reading treble clef.
It looks like snow in the mountains. I really want to go there.
I really want to do anything.
All I need to do to finish my MRC application is double-check my marks. I have to "self report" them...I guess to see if I'm a lying pile o' crap. And how close I am to my actual transcripts.
I know I'm not lying about my 90% in Bio 30, though. I beat the living daylights out of anybody who took that course when I was in Grade 11. And I wasn't wrong about my Math 30 mark, either. I never worked so hard for a 73% in my life.
So...in eight months, I'll be grovelling at the proverbial ankles of Carleton, U of L, UBC, U of T, and Queens.
I'm really attracted to the idea of going to school in a huge city like Vancouver or Toronto. Ottawa, I want to go back to...mostly just because I fell in love with the city over Tour. And I was born there. So I guess I have roots there. Kinda.
Waiting to see. Hoping against hope.
It would be amazing if I can actually pull off the transfer.
Katimavik also came up with the Parentals.
But I want to go to school so bad. I feel like such a hobo, not being in school. I feel like I'm wasting my overdeveloped, nerdy brain. [I'm so modest.] I want to learn. I want to stick my nose in a book.
Yes, I'm well aware that two weeks after I start, I'll be whining and complaining about how much I hate school and how hard it is. Just remind me of this entry.
And I need to throw myself into something, quick. Guitar lessons? Possibly. I'm going to need one hell of a diversion come April. Throwing myself at guys cannot be one of them. Guitar lessons it is. I suck at learning different instruments. And reading treble clef.
It looks like snow in the mountains. I really want to go there.
I really want to do anything.
Gnh.
Is it only Wednesday?
Ug.
Yuk's last night. Will had a great set, and I finally dragged Claudio and Pierre along. Melissa and Trevor also came. Along with many of the Back Alley crew, namely Megan Duffy, Maureen [what a gal] Friesen, Pete, Adam and....that other guy. I don't know his name, and I feel slightly bad.
God, it's only Wednesday.
Ash Wednesday, no less.
Just a thought: what do the Atkins people give up for Lent? Since, you know, you're not supposed to eat meat during Lent anyway...and Atkins is MEAT MEAT MEAT.
Will's coming to Mass tonight with my family [it's at 7 PM]. He's a C&E [Christmas & Easter] Catholic, so this should be interesting. I'm not saying I'm a church girl [I believe that position has already been filled].
Anyways. Should be interesting regardless.
I haven't been to church since before my 18th, I believe. One could make a joke about how I have a lot of confessing to do. But then One would find Oneself missing Ones reproductive organs.
Speaking of church...The Passion Of The Christ comes out today in theaters. Now, I respect Mel Gibson as a director and actor. But I'll have to see the film for myself before I make any judgement on the picture.
I also want to see Kill Bill 2...I thought it came out at the end of February, but it doesnt come out until APRIL. Fuuuuck.
Good news though...
Well, actually, I'll pretend to be a lot less happy about what I was told last night. Tee hee.
Oh crap, its only Wednesday.
Ghn.
Is it only Wednesday?
Ug.
Yuk's last night. Will had a great set, and I finally dragged Claudio and Pierre along. Melissa and Trevor also came. Along with many of the Back Alley crew, namely Megan Duffy, Maureen [what a gal] Friesen, Pete, Adam and....that other guy. I don't know his name, and I feel slightly bad.
God, it's only Wednesday.
Ash Wednesday, no less.
Just a thought: what do the Atkins people give up for Lent? Since, you know, you're not supposed to eat meat during Lent anyway...and Atkins is MEAT MEAT MEAT.
Will's coming to Mass tonight with my family [it's at 7 PM]. He's a C&E [Christmas & Easter] Catholic, so this should be interesting. I'm not saying I'm a church girl [I believe that position has already been filled].
Anyways. Should be interesting regardless.
I haven't been to church since before my 18th, I believe. One could make a joke about how I have a lot of confessing to do. But then One would find Oneself missing Ones reproductive organs.
Speaking of church...The Passion Of The Christ comes out today in theaters. Now, I respect Mel Gibson as a director and actor. But I'll have to see the film for myself before I make any judgement on the picture.
I also want to see Kill Bill 2...I thought it came out at the end of February, but it doesnt come out until APRIL. Fuuuuck.
Good news though...
Well, actually, I'll pretend to be a lot less happy about what I was told last night. Tee hee.
Oh crap, its only Wednesday.
Ghn.
2.24.2004
"OH MY GOD!!!!"
I feel like running around in circles like a wound-up dog.
Wikka wikka wah, wikka wah wah...
I have no idea what that was.
So I have to give something up for Lent. Blogging?
Naaaaaaah. Same with chocolate and drinking.
I could give up Subway...
But I gave that up last year.
"Hey Renegade, how about you give up being a WHORE! *maniacal laughter*"
Whoo. I'm hyped up.
Must be the post-adrenaline rush from seeing old aquaintences.
Or...that I'm seeing W tonight.
One of the two, you decide.
Spoon!
I feel like running around in circles like a wound-up dog.
Wikka wikka wah, wikka wah wah...
I have no idea what that was.
So I have to give something up for Lent. Blogging?
Naaaaaaah. Same with chocolate and drinking.
I could give up Subway...
But I gave that up last year.
"Hey Renegade, how about you give up being a WHORE! *maniacal laughter*"
Whoo. I'm hyped up.
Must be the post-adrenaline rush from seeing old aquaintences.
Or...that I'm seeing W tonight.
One of the two, you decide.
Spoon!
You Hooked The Stars With Your Eyes
*hums* and then you drive on to me....
DRIIIIIVE....onto me....
Sorry. That song just popped into my head.
I burned the CD! *happy dance* I might just burn myself a copy too, since it's a really good one.
I had my career test yesterday. Wow....
I think everything is cleared up now. My personality test was bang-on. It completely explained who I am and why I do things.
For instance, I'm attracted to anything that could have the word "crusade" attached to it. I'm very "social" [as in...social conscience] oriented. I value justice and fairness. Don't bother arguing with me because I have already thought out all the possible arguments, and know comebacks for them. I sometimes come out with out-of-the-blue large, grandois schemes--except that they're not unprovoked, I think them through very carefully. I focus on the big picture before breaking it down into smaller steps. I want to know ther reason before I just do something.
In other words, I'm a self-righteous know-it-all bitch.
But you all knew that already.
Some other good news came out of this:
My best career choices are...
-journalism
-medical science
-social worker
-high school counsellor
-psychologist
-law
-sociologist
-social teacher
-librarian [this one was off the friggin charts]
And I found out I can do a one-year transfer program from MRC...
My advisor recommended I check out Carlton for university after MRC. So right now, it looks like I'll take my first year for a Bachelor of Arts at MRC, then transfer to [hopefully Carlton or UofL] another university for the last three years. Graduate with a Bachelor of Arts with my major in Psychology, then apply for law school.
I'll probably take a year or two off between my Bachelor and my law school, so I can get more cash to go to law. Then I'll go to law school, and hopefully end up doing Legal Aid. Public defense and all that.
So...what do you guys think?
I can pay for MRC right now.
After August, I'll have enough to cover my first semester of university after MRC.
Plus, my parents basically said they'd support me more if I stayed here a year then went away for school.
So that still means I'll be leaving. And going East.
It's funny, actually...the Bachelor of Arts with major in Psych was what I had planned all along...I just didn't want to do anything until I knew if it was going to be the right choice.
After those tests, I realised that that's where I truly belong and where I excel. And I love the idea of justice and changing the world.
So...this makes some crazy kind of sense.
Well then. Let the applying begin, eh?
I plan to hole myself up at my house on Thursday and Friday night with my mom's credit card.
Yuk Yuks tonight. I get to see Will! Yay!
*hums* and then you drive on to me....
DRIIIIIVE....onto me....
Sorry. That song just popped into my head.
I burned the CD! *happy dance* I might just burn myself a copy too, since it's a really good one.
I had my career test yesterday. Wow....
I think everything is cleared up now. My personality test was bang-on. It completely explained who I am and why I do things.
For instance, I'm attracted to anything that could have the word "crusade" attached to it. I'm very "social" [as in...social conscience] oriented. I value justice and fairness. Don't bother arguing with me because I have already thought out all the possible arguments, and know comebacks for them. I sometimes come out with out-of-the-blue large, grandois schemes--except that they're not unprovoked, I think them through very carefully. I focus on the big picture before breaking it down into smaller steps. I want to know ther reason before I just do something.
In other words, I'm a self-righteous know-it-all bitch.
But you all knew that already.
Some other good news came out of this:
My best career choices are...
-journalism
-medical science
-social worker
-high school counsellor
-psychologist
-law
-sociologist
-social teacher
-librarian [this one was off the friggin charts]
And I found out I can do a one-year transfer program from MRC...
My advisor recommended I check out Carlton for university after MRC. So right now, it looks like I'll take my first year for a Bachelor of Arts at MRC, then transfer to [hopefully Carlton or UofL] another university for the last three years. Graduate with a Bachelor of Arts with my major in Psychology, then apply for law school.
I'll probably take a year or two off between my Bachelor and my law school, so I can get more cash to go to law. Then I'll go to law school, and hopefully end up doing Legal Aid. Public defense and all that.
So...what do you guys think?
I can pay for MRC right now.
After August, I'll have enough to cover my first semester of university after MRC.
Plus, my parents basically said they'd support me more if I stayed here a year then went away for school.
So that still means I'll be leaving. And going East.
It's funny, actually...the Bachelor of Arts with major in Psych was what I had planned all along...I just didn't want to do anything until I knew if it was going to be the right choice.
After those tests, I realised that that's where I truly belong and where I excel. And I love the idea of justice and changing the world.
So...this makes some crazy kind of sense.
Well then. Let the applying begin, eh?
I plan to hole myself up at my house on Thursday and Friday night with my mom's credit card.
Yuk Yuks tonight. I get to see Will! Yay!
2.23.2004
Goodies!
I love salespeople.
They bring free samples.
And gift certificates.
I feel bad because we already have vendors for all the services they're selling...
But 3 free tanning sessions at a downtown tanning place are 3 free sessions at a downtown tanning place.
And who's really going to turn that down? Not I, said me.
Plus a 30$ gift certificate for flowers when I spend 60$? Yeah, I'll take that. And how.
JL brought cake today. Mmmm, cake.
I have decided I want to buy myself a bamboo plant for my desk. Just a small one. They're uber-easy to care for, too. Just add water every other day. And it's green. So it'll look pretty.
Our office is moving to the 7th floor at the end of April...so goodbye to this view.
*takes a picture to upload*
I love salespeople.
They bring free samples.
And gift certificates.
I feel bad because we already have vendors for all the services they're selling...
But 3 free tanning sessions at a downtown tanning place are 3 free sessions at a downtown tanning place.
And who's really going to turn that down? Not I, said me.
Plus a 30$ gift certificate for flowers when I spend 60$? Yeah, I'll take that. And how.
JL brought cake today. Mmmm, cake.
I have decided I want to buy myself a bamboo plant for my desk. Just a small one. They're uber-easy to care for, too. Just add water every other day. And it's green. So it'll look pretty.
Our office is moving to the 7th floor at the end of April...so goodbye to this view.
*takes a picture to upload*
Synesthesia
Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories
Heartbreak, please let me be enjoying your pain
Someday, I will be...
I'll be the common voice for community
Because I am a man who'll forever be
Where all remaining failed
Please let me understand I'm your pillow
Letters of past so distant and wrinkled
Please let me understand I'm your pillow
Letters of past so distant and wrinkled
(Just say...) Say you will follow me (follow me)
Invite me to your memory
(Just sing...) Sing again for me (for me)
That long forgotten song
Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories
Heartbreak, please let me be enjoying your pain
Someday, I will be...
I'll be that what you want from a failing dream
Because I will, I may at best
Be as low as you feel
Please let me understand I'm your pillow
Letters of past look distant and wrinkled
Please let me understand I'm your pillow
Letters of past look distant and wrinkled
(Just say...) Say you will follow me (follow me)
Invite me to your memory
(Just sing...) Sing again for me (for me)
That long forgotten song
Let me be all the words
Let me be all the words
Let me be all the words
Let me be all the words
Let me feel the words echo in comfort
Let me be all the words that you'd unsay
Let me feel the words echo in comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort
Let me be all the words that you'd unsay, unsay, unsay, unsay
Let me feel the words echo in comfort
Let me be all the words that you'd unsay
Let me feel the words echo in comfort, comfort... comfort
Let me be all the words that you'd unsay, unsay, unsay, unsay
-AFI
Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories
Heartbreak, please let me be enjoying your pain
Someday, I will be...
I'll be the common voice for community
Because I am a man who'll forever be
Where all remaining failed
Please let me understand I'm your pillow
Letters of past so distant and wrinkled
Please let me understand I'm your pillow
Letters of past so distant and wrinkled
(Just say...) Say you will follow me (follow me)
Invite me to your memory
(Just sing...) Sing again for me (for me)
That long forgotten song
Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories
Heartbreak, please let me be enjoying your pain
Someday, I will be...
I'll be that what you want from a failing dream
Because I will, I may at best
Be as low as you feel
Please let me understand I'm your pillow
Letters of past look distant and wrinkled
Please let me understand I'm your pillow
Letters of past look distant and wrinkled
(Just say...) Say you will follow me (follow me)
Invite me to your memory
(Just sing...) Sing again for me (for me)
That long forgotten song
Let me be all the words
Let me be all the words
Let me be all the words
Let me be all the words
Let me feel the words echo in comfort
Let me be all the words that you'd unsay
Let me feel the words echo in comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort
Let me be all the words that you'd unsay, unsay, unsay, unsay
Let me feel the words echo in comfort
Let me be all the words that you'd unsay
Let me feel the words echo in comfort, comfort... comfort
Let me be all the words that you'd unsay, unsay, unsay, unsay
-AFI
A Quickie
Two more days.
I can't wait.
Let the scheming begin.
I think we should go to Banff on Sunday if you don't work. And if I don't work, too. That's always important. And you should talk to Maureen, she has a plan of some sort.
Tequila on Friday night, too. Hopefully I get paid from BS this week.
Two more days.
I can't wait.
Let the scheming begin.
I think we should go to Banff on Sunday if you don't work. And if I don't work, too. That's always important. And you should talk to Maureen, she has a plan of some sort.
Tequila on Friday night, too. Hopefully I get paid from BS this week.
2.22.2004
Iris
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yhea you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
-Goo Goo Dolls
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yhea you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
-Goo Goo Dolls
Flash
An hour to get into the Alley last night.
AN HOUR.
One beer.
Apologizing to Pat.
"Beer!" "Boobs!"
Dance on boxes.
Saving Maureen and Taryn from the lumberjack.
"Fuck off, she's got a boyfriend!" *SHOVE*
Rum and coke and the guy's white shirt.
Jason and Shawn and Paul. Dancing.
Wendy's at 2:30.
"He's 27!!!!"
The coy lesbian act that attracted the Rum & Coke guys.
"Whoa, OH! LIIIIVING ON A PRAAAYER!!!!!"
The New Years Shirt making a fantastic comeback.
"Apparently you don't know him, so you can't talk shit. Or so he says." "Do I look like I care?" Deciding, then, that he is irrefutably insane.
Talking in bed until 6:30 AM.
Waking up to Maureen on the computer.
Hoping I said the right things last night.
Feeling better because I said what I needed to.
Denny's for breakfast.
Long, hot shower. Shaved my legs. Cut my legs to shit.
Supposedly cleaning my room.
I finished Wolves of the Calla.
entry playlist
1. Linkin Park - My December
2. Dashboard Confessional - Drowning
3. Dashboard Confessional - Swiss Army Romance
4. Eve 6 - Inside Out
An hour to get into the Alley last night.
AN HOUR.
One beer.
Apologizing to Pat.
"Beer!" "Boobs!"
Dance on boxes.
Saving Maureen and Taryn from the lumberjack.
"Fuck off, she's got a boyfriend!" *SHOVE*
Rum and coke and the guy's white shirt.
Jason and Shawn and Paul. Dancing.
Wendy's at 2:30.
"He's 27!!!!"
The coy lesbian act that attracted the Rum & Coke guys.
"Whoa, OH! LIIIIVING ON A PRAAAYER!!!!!"
The New Years Shirt making a fantastic comeback.
"Apparently you don't know him, so you can't talk shit. Or so he says." "Do I look like I care?" Deciding, then, that he is irrefutably insane.
Talking in bed until 6:30 AM.
Waking up to Maureen on the computer.
Hoping I said the right things last night.
Feeling better because I said what I needed to.
Denny's for breakfast.
Long, hot shower. Shaved my legs. Cut my legs to shit.
Supposedly cleaning my room.
I finished Wolves of the Calla.
entry playlist
1. Linkin Park - My December
2. Dashboard Confessional - Drowning
3. Dashboard Confessional - Swiss Army Romance
4. Eve 6 - Inside Out
2.20.2004
Speak
Grey sky morning. Infinite horizon.
Waking up happy. Falling asleep exhausted.
These are things I miss, things I want to show you.
I feel frustrated.
This is to be expected. The doctor explained to me that this particular brand of drugs would make me more prone to mood swings. And this is different from normal...?
Maybe I shouldn't have started the therapy so close to admissions deadlines. Like it or not, it's adding stress to my life. But without it, things were looking a lot worse.
I know some of you are confused. But those of you who aren't, those who need to know, don't be worried about me.
I chose this. I made the decision because I knew that this was the next logical step. Without it...well, things would [for lack of a better word] suck for the next little while.
What am I complaining about? I don't know.
I lost my train of thought.
Back Alley tomorrow night. Mardi Gras. Wooo.
I'm burning a CD right now. I'm a little nervous, because it's the kind of CD you'll either fall in love with or hate completely. I think it might take a late-night drive along a highway for it to really sink in. We'll see.
It'll be ready next week.
My period ends soon. Ultimate freedom begins on Wednesday.
I'm anxious.
entry playlist
1. Elliott - Dying Midwestern
2. Elliott - Lie Close
3. Elliott - Calvary Song
blog o' the day: maureen's blog
Grey sky morning. Infinite horizon.
Waking up happy. Falling asleep exhausted.
These are things I miss, things I want to show you.
I feel frustrated.
This is to be expected. The doctor explained to me that this particular brand of drugs would make me more prone to mood swings. And this is different from normal...?
Maybe I shouldn't have started the therapy so close to admissions deadlines. Like it or not, it's adding stress to my life. But without it, things were looking a lot worse.
I know some of you are confused. But those of you who aren't, those who need to know, don't be worried about me.
I chose this. I made the decision because I knew that this was the next logical step. Without it...well, things would [for lack of a better word] suck for the next little while.
What am I complaining about? I don't know.
I lost my train of thought.
Back Alley tomorrow night. Mardi Gras. Wooo.
I'm burning a CD right now. I'm a little nervous, because it's the kind of CD you'll either fall in love with or hate completely. I think it might take a late-night drive along a highway for it to really sink in. We'll see.
It'll be ready next week.
My period ends soon. Ultimate freedom begins on Wednesday.
I'm anxious.
entry playlist
1. Elliott - Dying Midwestern
2. Elliott - Lie Close
3. Elliott - Calvary Song
blog o' the day: maureen's blog
The Ghost Of A Good Thing
I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck, you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it's like you said
"Love is like a role that we play."
But I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say
But you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts
I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it's like you said
"Love is like a role that we play."
But I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say
But you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts
Just bend the pieces 'till they fit
Like they were made for it
But they weren't meant for this
No, they weren't meant for this
Just bend the pieces 'till they fit
Like they were made for it
But they weren't meant for this
Chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away, away, away, away from you again
Chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts
-Dashboard Confessional
I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck, you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it's like you said
"Love is like a role that we play."
But I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say
But you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts
I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it's like you said
"Love is like a role that we play."
But I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say
But you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts
Just bend the pieces 'till they fit
Like they were made for it
But they weren't meant for this
No, they weren't meant for this
Just bend the pieces 'till they fit
Like they were made for it
But they weren't meant for this
Chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away, away, away, away from you again
Chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts
-Dashboard Confessional
Friday Five
When was the last time you....
1. ...went to the doctor? Tuesday.
2. ...went to the dentist? ....I don't remember.
3. ...filled your gas tank? I don't drive.
4. ...got enough sleep? Yesterday - I slept most of the day!
5. ...backed up your computer? *dies laughing* We don't.
When was the last time you....
1. ...went to the doctor? Tuesday.
2. ...went to the dentist? ....I don't remember.
3. ...filled your gas tank? I don't drive.
4. ...got enough sleep? Yesterday - I slept most of the day!
5. ...backed up your computer? *dies laughing* We don't.
2.19.2004
A Comparison
Y'know what sucks ass?
Being sick and on your period.
Y'know what rocks ass?
Having your boyfriend show up with a litre of Rolo ice cream, a Colin Ferrel movie, two Playstation games, and a Stephen King book.
And giving you a backrub.
Yup. That rocks ass.
Y'know what sucks ass?
Being sick and on your period.
Y'know what rocks ass?
Having your boyfriend show up with a litre of Rolo ice cream, a Colin Ferrel movie, two Playstation games, and a Stephen King book.
And giving you a backrub.
Yup. That rocks ass.
The Fire In Your Heart Is Out
I love 90's music. Oasis, specifically.
I think I'm going to patch things up with Pat with beer on Saturday. I'll do my best.
I'm sick, by the way. I stayed home from work today. Fuck. I'm ragging, too, [as you should know if you've been reading for a few days] and that means I'm in one hell of a mood.
Will came over last night and hung out. We were planning on watching View To A Kill, but ended up watching SWAT instead. I know, I know, shame on me. And I love James Bond movies, too. And I was all cranky and sick, so I just wanted to be cuddled and pampered.
He left me his South Park and Family Guy for a bit. *happy dance* I don't think I'm going to leave my bed again today. Except, you know, to go to the bathroom and refill my snack food. All those normal things people leave bed for.
Y'know what word is really annoying? "Kawaii!!!!" Ug. I don't know why I just thought of that.
I have no good updates. Except that I had ice cream for breakfast. And now I think I want popcorn.
When I get sick, I usually don't eat. When I rag, I eat all the wrong things. Plus I'm getting weird cravings this time. Like popcorn and seasoning salt...mmmmm.
Oh, and I'm a little pissed because I haven't been using my camera too much lately. I haven't taken any pictures since Saturday morning. So..."pic of the day" needs to actually start happening. And I promise it will. I will change the picture once per day. And it will be a good picture, not just me posting a crappy old picture. Indeed.
Starting tomorrow, because I don't feel like going to get my camera and USB cable.
And it's my dad's birthday today. He's turning 45. My mom is 49. An interesting tidbit.
I think Pierre and Claudio should come over for cake and ice cream.
That is, if I don't eat all the ice cream...
entry playlist
1. Oasis - Wonderwall
2. Matthew Good Band - Suburbia
3. Blink 182 - Everytime I Look For You
I love 90's music. Oasis, specifically.
I think I'm going to patch things up with Pat with beer on Saturday. I'll do my best.
I'm sick, by the way. I stayed home from work today. Fuck. I'm ragging, too, [as you should know if you've been reading for a few days] and that means I'm in one hell of a mood.
Will came over last night and hung out. We were planning on watching View To A Kill, but ended up watching SWAT instead. I know, I know, shame on me. And I love James Bond movies, too. And I was all cranky and sick, so I just wanted to be cuddled and pampered.
He left me his South Park and Family Guy for a bit. *happy dance* I don't think I'm going to leave my bed again today. Except, you know, to go to the bathroom and refill my snack food. All those normal things people leave bed for.
Y'know what word is really annoying? "Kawaii!!!!" Ug. I don't know why I just thought of that.
I have no good updates. Except that I had ice cream for breakfast. And now I think I want popcorn.
When I get sick, I usually don't eat. When I rag, I eat all the wrong things. Plus I'm getting weird cravings this time. Like popcorn and seasoning salt...mmmmm.
Oh, and I'm a little pissed because I haven't been using my camera too much lately. I haven't taken any pictures since Saturday morning. So..."pic of the day" needs to actually start happening. And I promise it will. I will change the picture once per day. And it will be a good picture, not just me posting a crappy old picture. Indeed.
Starting tomorrow, because I don't feel like going to get my camera and USB cable.
And it's my dad's birthday today. He's turning 45. My mom is 49. An interesting tidbit.
I think Pierre and Claudio should come over for cake and ice cream.
That is, if I don't eat all the ice cream...
entry playlist
1. Oasis - Wonderwall
2. Matthew Good Band - Suburbia
3. Blink 182 - Everytime I Look For You
2.18.2004
For Mel!
I am 58% Emo
Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.
Take the Emo Test at fuali.com
I am 27% Punk Rock
Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.
Take the Punk Rock Test at fuali.com
I am 58% Emo
Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.
Take the Emo Test at fuali.com
I am 27% Punk Rock
Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.
Take the Punk Rock Test at fuali.com
Firefly
I said I'd walk you home after our third round
Of pouring whiskey down the barrel of our guts
And I grabbed hold of your hand.
We're up and we're out and we're yelling through the streets
And I'm out of my fucking mind
And I know you're next to me but I must confess what's in my head.
Keep pumping now, legs to beat the ground, and our hearts to beat the band.
The sky's on fire again.
Run down this alleyway.
Lightning bolts again and we become fireflies just flashing at the air.
Rattle garbage cans.
Prepare to be ravaged by our lust burning mad, the fire that we've become.
And I know you're under me but I must confess what's in my head:
To me you are the light from a light bulb that breaks sometimes
And the tender warmth inside is released into my life
And it smothers me in flames that lick and scorch my face.
As the smoke reaches the sky know I'm burning tonight.
Know I'm burning tonight.
Know I'm burning tonight.
Know I'm burning tonight.
Know I'll burn for you tonight.
-Saves The Day
I said I'd walk you home after our third round
Of pouring whiskey down the barrel of our guts
And I grabbed hold of your hand.
We're up and we're out and we're yelling through the streets
And I'm out of my fucking mind
And I know you're next to me but I must confess what's in my head.
Keep pumping now, legs to beat the ground, and our hearts to beat the band.
The sky's on fire again.
Run down this alleyway.
Lightning bolts again and we become fireflies just flashing at the air.
Rattle garbage cans.
Prepare to be ravaged by our lust burning mad, the fire that we've become.
And I know you're under me but I must confess what's in my head:
To me you are the light from a light bulb that breaks sometimes
And the tender warmth inside is released into my life
And it smothers me in flames that lick and scorch my face.
As the smoke reaches the sky know I'm burning tonight.
Know I'm burning tonight.
Know I'm burning tonight.
Know I'm burning tonight.
Know I'll burn for you tonight.
-Saves The Day
Crimson
A slightly macabre tidbit:
The few days before I get my period, I always dream of blood. Rivers and oceans of it.
Or something as simple as me raising my hand [in my dream] and have a small rivulet of blood drip off one finger.
And I'll get nosebleeds for two days before, in my sleep.
Anyone else?
A slightly macabre tidbit:
The few days before I get my period, I always dream of blood. Rivers and oceans of it.
Or something as simple as me raising my hand [in my dream] and have a small rivulet of blood drip off one finger.
And I'll get nosebleeds for two days before, in my sleep.
Anyone else?
Don't Waste Your Time On Me, You're Already The Voice Inside My Head
Another lonely, sleepless night.
I want so much, but I'm willing to risk so little.
Hard to believe that 20$ just bought me the equivalent of freedom.
I want to stay out all night, soon. The kind where you don't drink anything except maybe hot chocolate. But you find a spot on the ridge and watch the sun come up.
I dreamed about Lucy last night. The image, I think, that will always be cemented in my mind of her is her running across a field in winter. There was always something about the way she contrasted against the low-hanging, iron sky. The way the white, unbroken snow flew up around her when she plowed through the drifts. How her red collar stood out like a bloom of fresh blood against the monochromatic world.
I miss her every day.
Happy 18th birthday, Rachael. Sorry I wasn't there last night. But by the time Yuk Yuk's finished, I just felt bagged. I guess I missed Jason's kareoke debut.
Ug...I feel so bloated and cranky.
And god, do the mountains look pretty.
Another lonely, sleepless night.
I want so much, but I'm willing to risk so little.
Hard to believe that 20$ just bought me the equivalent of freedom.
I want to stay out all night, soon. The kind where you don't drink anything except maybe hot chocolate. But you find a spot on the ridge and watch the sun come up.
I dreamed about Lucy last night. The image, I think, that will always be cemented in my mind of her is her running across a field in winter. There was always something about the way she contrasted against the low-hanging, iron sky. The way the white, unbroken snow flew up around her when she plowed through the drifts. How her red collar stood out like a bloom of fresh blood against the monochromatic world.
I miss her every day.
Happy 18th birthday, Rachael. Sorry I wasn't there last night. But by the time Yuk Yuk's finished, I just felt bagged. I guess I missed Jason's kareoke debut.
Ug...I feel so bloated and cranky.
And god, do the mountains look pretty.
2.17.2004
FYI
Some people are so ignorant and petty.
So your exgirlfriend lost her relationship. Big fucking deal.
Doesn't mean you have to go slander her. Grow right the fuck up.
Keep in mind, you're the one who locked her in your car and sped around and scared the living shit out of her.
Yup, that sounds well-adjusted to me.
Some people are so ignorant and petty.
So your exgirlfriend lost her relationship. Big fucking deal.
Doesn't mean you have to go slander her. Grow right the fuck up.
Keep in mind, you're the one who locked her in your car and sped around and scared the living shit out of her.
Yup, that sounds well-adjusted to me.
Getting Over Getting Used [To?]
There are very few things in life that can be depended upon.
Good books end.
Good friends fade out of touch.
Good weather changes.
Good music grows stale. Along with good food and good wine.
Good prices adjust for inflation.
Good jobs "restructurize".
Good luck flips for bad.
It's karma, it's ka, it's like a wind.
Everything changes. That is, perhaps, the only thing that can be depended upon. Change.
I am in a philosophical mood. Probably because my fucking PERIOD started today. *hate hate hate hate* Being on the rag makes me both irritable and contemplative--a toxic mix. I crave pretzels and chocolate, but need to save the 20$ I borrowed from Jen for my appointment this afternoon. Fuck.
I would probably be a lot more convincing as a philosopher if I didn't swear quite as much.
Speaking of futures, I'm finding out what I'm best suited for next Monday. This woman, Linda Beetle [or Beatle, I don't know which one] does these career tests...my mom's been bugging me to take on FOREVER, so Monday night I finally get it done.
I'm fully expecting the results to come back as follows:
NAME: The Renegade
AGE: 18
DISCERNABLE INTERESTS: N/A
DISCERNABLE TALENTS: N/A
RECOMMENDED CAREER PATH: Throwing self off of bridge into shallow creek/in front of train and/or speeding bus; doctor-assisted suicide.
ALTERNATE CAREER PATH: Give up. Now.
My, I'm surly when I'm mentruating.
There are very few things in life that can be depended upon.
Good books end.
Good friends fade out of touch.
Good weather changes.
Good music grows stale. Along with good food and good wine.
Good prices adjust for inflation.
Good jobs "restructurize".
Good luck flips for bad.
It's karma, it's ka, it's like a wind.
Everything changes. That is, perhaps, the only thing that can be depended upon. Change.
I am in a philosophical mood. Probably because my fucking PERIOD started today. *hate hate hate hate* Being on the rag makes me both irritable and contemplative--a toxic mix. I crave pretzels and chocolate, but need to save the 20$ I borrowed from Jen for my appointment this afternoon. Fuck.
I would probably be a lot more convincing as a philosopher if I didn't swear quite as much.
Speaking of futures, I'm finding out what I'm best suited for next Monday. This woman, Linda Beetle [or Beatle, I don't know which one] does these career tests...my mom's been bugging me to take on FOREVER, so Monday night I finally get it done.
I'm fully expecting the results to come back as follows:
NAME: The Renegade
AGE: 18
DISCERNABLE INTERESTS: N/A
DISCERNABLE TALENTS: N/A
RECOMMENDED CAREER PATH: Throwing self off of bridge into shallow creek/in front of train and/or speeding bus; doctor-assisted suicide.
ALTERNATE CAREER PATH: Give up. Now.
My, I'm surly when I'm mentruating.
Tuesday Morning After
Allo, allo.
What a weekend. I'll give you the abbreviated version.
Friday night: Went to Pat's party and got uber drunk. Apparently Pat's mad at me and Will, I'm assuming because we made out in his parents bed. But a good time, nonetheless. Went to sleep at like....7:30. AM. On a couch.
Saturday: Spent the day with Will, which is always awesome. We just drove around, went to my house, went to his house, ate pizza, watched movies, the picked up my sister and her two drunk friends from a party at 11.
Sunday: Worked. Then went to Shawn's. Then went to see 50 First Dates with the bandies. Then Will picked me up. Then he drove me home. Sunday was boring.
Monday: Worked again. Saw Mel and Cori and Donna. Jen gave me the answer to my pressing problem. Along with 20 bucks to pay for the pressing solution. Don't call me between 5:30 and 7:00 today. Came home. Holed up in room and read Wolves of the Calla for a few minutes. Talked to Melissa, made plans to have her come to the Alley on Saturday night. Talked to Will, because that's what I always do. Then I watched CSI/read during commercial breaks. And then I went to bed.
All in all, a good weekend. Lots of Will time, which is always nice. I have a feeling I need to beat some self-confidence into him again, though, because he sounds like he's feeling down. So, I'll make him feel better. *nods* It's what I do...I think.
Oh man. That book is so good. Stephen King is....like....my god. Wow.
I can't wait for tomorrow night. Or Saturday.
Ranchmens tonight for Rachael's birthday. Hoping to bum a ride with Paul. If not...I'll...well, sit at home, I guess. Unless someone else wants to go out...
OK. To work I go.
Allo, allo.
What a weekend. I'll give you the abbreviated version.
Friday night: Went to Pat's party and got uber drunk. Apparently Pat's mad at me and Will, I'm assuming because we made out in his parents bed. But a good time, nonetheless. Went to sleep at like....7:30. AM. On a couch.
Saturday: Spent the day with Will, which is always awesome. We just drove around, went to my house, went to his house, ate pizza, watched movies, the picked up my sister and her two drunk friends from a party at 11.
Sunday: Worked. Then went to Shawn's. Then went to see 50 First Dates with the bandies. Then Will picked me up. Then he drove me home. Sunday was boring.
Monday: Worked again. Saw Mel and Cori and Donna. Jen gave me the answer to my pressing problem. Along with 20 bucks to pay for the pressing solution. Don't call me between 5:30 and 7:00 today. Came home. Holed up in room and read Wolves of the Calla for a few minutes. Talked to Melissa, made plans to have her come to the Alley on Saturday night. Talked to Will, because that's what I always do. Then I watched CSI/read during commercial breaks. And then I went to bed.
All in all, a good weekend. Lots of Will time, which is always nice. I have a feeling I need to beat some self-confidence into him again, though, because he sounds like he's feeling down. So, I'll make him feel better. *nods* It's what I do...I think.
Oh man. That book is so good. Stephen King is....like....my god. Wow.
I can't wait for tomorrow night. Or Saturday.
Ranchmens tonight for Rachael's birthday. Hoping to bum a ride with Paul. If not...I'll...well, sit at home, I guess. Unless someone else wants to go out...
OK. To work I go.
2.16.2004
"Love & Sex"
"I've been thinking about those two things a lot, lately. Not just because I'm in a relationship. I'm eighteen, for God's sake. Thinking about things like that just happens."
"Chalk it up to hormones or whatever, but I've been turning it all over in my mind. Are they mutually exclusive acts? Are they tandem? Does one require the other?"
"It's like a math problem. A equals B and B equals C but C does not equal A and all that. And I hate math."
"Some people will tell you that it's something that doesn't require thought--that the act itself, the feeling itself...are human elements. Primal, if you will. And thinking about them just messes things up. The purity of it all can only be retained if devoid of all intellect."
"But that can't be all there is to it. There has to be more to it. The two things have to go hand-in-hand."
"I need to know. I need to know that those two things can exist together. I need that validation."
"But having that validation will make it all the harder."
"I don't care."
"I still need to know."
"I've been thinking about those two things a lot, lately. Not just because I'm in a relationship. I'm eighteen, for God's sake. Thinking about things like that just happens."
"Chalk it up to hormones or whatever, but I've been turning it all over in my mind. Are they mutually exclusive acts? Are they tandem? Does one require the other?"
"It's like a math problem. A equals B and B equals C but C does not equal A and all that. And I hate math."
"Some people will tell you that it's something that doesn't require thought--that the act itself, the feeling itself...are human elements. Primal, if you will. And thinking about them just messes things up. The purity of it all can only be retained if devoid of all intellect."
"But that can't be all there is to it. There has to be more to it. The two things have to go hand-in-hand."
"I need to know. I need to know that those two things can exist together. I need that validation."
"But having that validation will make it all the harder."
"I don't care."
"I still need to know."
2.14.2004
DRUNK! [This Post Edited For Typos]
I...am drunk.
This....is awesome
The keyboard clicks too much. But it helps me keep track of what I'm saying.
Haha. Beat this drunk post, Shawn!
Will has gone off to find my Yellowcard hoodie. I, being drunk, have stayed here because I'm SLOSHED.
Aweeesome.........
Except he's making the Jesus and the snowboarder jokes....I have a feeling I won't get my hoodie back soon enough.
And you know what I figured out?
I'm a sex kitten.
And I'm drunk.
The two go hand-in-hand. Not that I'm complaining, because this is awesome.
Night, all. I'll let you know how the rest of the night goes....
Happy Valentines Day, by the way.
At least this year I'm getting some ass....
Sorry, no. I didn't mean it that way. Tee hee.
I...am drunk.
This....is awesome
The keyboard clicks too much. But it helps me keep track of what I'm saying.
Haha. Beat this drunk post, Shawn!
Will has gone off to find my Yellowcard hoodie. I, being drunk, have stayed here because I'm SLOSHED.
Aweeesome.........
Except he's making the Jesus and the snowboarder jokes....I have a feeling I won't get my hoodie back soon enough.
And you know what I figured out?
I'm a sex kitten.
And I'm drunk.
The two go hand-in-hand. Not that I'm complaining, because this is awesome.
Night, all. I'll let you know how the rest of the night goes....
Happy Valentines Day, by the way.
At least this year I'm getting some ass....
Sorry, no. I didn't mean it that way. Tee hee.
2.13.2004
Back Beat...
The word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out. I'm sure, you've heard it all before, but you never really had a doubt. I don't believe that everybody feels the way I do about you, now...
Fuck. What's that song!?!?!?? I've got it stuck in my head now.
About an hour until W picks me up to go to PC's. *grins*
K = very very very very very excited. Wondering if I can sneak my mickey of Captain Morgan's out of the house tonight. Even though they know I have it. Apparently I'm supposed to return it to the cousins who gave it to me. We'll see.
I also saw JF today!!!!
Man. I missed him.
And we're [bandies] all getting together at Ranchmens on Tuesday for RS's party. And AM's something tomorrow night, but I forget where it is...
entry playlist
1. Hootie & The Blowfish - Let Her Cry
2. Matthew Good Band - Failing th Rorschach Test
3. Taking Back Sunday - There's No "I" In Team
The word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out. I'm sure, you've heard it all before, but you never really had a doubt. I don't believe that everybody feels the way I do about you, now...
Fuck. What's that song!?!?!?? I've got it stuck in my head now.
About an hour until W picks me up to go to PC's. *grins*
K = very very very very very excited. Wondering if I can sneak my mickey of Captain Morgan's out of the house tonight. Even though they know I have it. Apparently I'm supposed to return it to the cousins who gave it to me. We'll see.
I also saw JF today!!!!
Man. I missed him.
And we're [bandies] all getting together at Ranchmens on Tuesday for RS's party. And AM's something tomorrow night, but I forget where it is...
entry playlist
1. Hootie & The Blowfish - Let Her Cry
2. Matthew Good Band - Failing th Rorschach Test
3. Taking Back Sunday - There's No "I" In Team
Letters To No One
God. I hate how you always make me feel so stupid.
Tongue-tied and flame-faced.
I hate how you do this to me. Because you shouldn't.
You have nothing to offer me. I don't even remember if you're Scott or Shawn or Josh. I don't even know what color your eyes are. Your face next to those flowers makes me sick to my stomach.
I have no feelings for you.
But you make me nervous.
When I have no reason to be.
Except that in the back of my mind I am always counting down the days.
entry playlist
1. Open Hand - Time to Talk
2. Cauterize - Still Breathing
God. I hate how you always make me feel so stupid.
Tongue-tied and flame-faced.
I hate how you do this to me. Because you shouldn't.
You have nothing to offer me. I don't even remember if you're Scott or Shawn or Josh. I don't even know what color your eyes are. Your face next to those flowers makes me sick to my stomach.
I have no feelings for you.
But you make me nervous.
When I have no reason to be.
Except that in the back of my mind I am always counting down the days.
entry playlist
1. Open Hand - Time to Talk
2. Cauterize - Still Breathing
Friday Five
1. Are you superstitious? A little bit, yeah.
2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition? The whole black cat thing....never really got that. I also don't step on cracks
3. Believer or not, what's your favorite superstition? I'd have to say....probably the one with ladders.
4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual? I believe in luck, and my lucky number would probably have to be 14. Clothing: well, it depends what kind of "luck" you mean....Ritual? No, not really.
5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not? Yes, because I find that a lot of traits people possess are closely linked to their zodiac sign. As in, there's too many similarities for it to be just coincidence. Or...not. Shrug.
------------
Am going to the airport today to meet Jason with Paul. I'm leaving work around 1:15. Call me if you need me!
Oh, and Pat's party is tonight. Am duly excited about this.
Also, I got a ride home last night just because he was feeling nice.
Is he not amazing? Yes, I think he is.
1. Are you superstitious? A little bit, yeah.
2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition? The whole black cat thing....never really got that. I also don't step on cracks
3. Believer or not, what's your favorite superstition? I'd have to say....probably the one with ladders.
4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual? I believe in luck, and my lucky number would probably have to be 14. Clothing: well, it depends what kind of "luck" you mean....Ritual? No, not really.
5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not? Yes, because I find that a lot of traits people possess are closely linked to their zodiac sign. As in, there's too many similarities for it to be just coincidence. Or...not. Shrug.
------------
Am going to the airport today to meet Jason with Paul. I'm leaving work around 1:15. Call me if you need me!
Oh, and Pat's party is tonight. Am duly excited about this.
Also, I got a ride home last night just because he was feeling nice.
Is he not amazing? Yes, I think he is.
2.12.2004
Oooh!
I'm going to the airport tomorrow to pick up Jason with Paul, hopefully. That is, is Paul calls me...
*bounces*
entry playlist
1. Jimmy Eat World - Just Watch The Fireworks
I'm going to the airport tomorrow to pick up Jason with Paul, hopefully. That is, is Paul calls me...
*bounces*
entry playlist
1. Jimmy Eat World - Just Watch The Fireworks
Stand Off
i must confess
that i kept the light on
in an effort
to keep darkness away from
my empty room this lonely bed
and all you see of me is sex
bow your head and pray for a forgotten
dream, the quiet secret parts of
you
leave the door open love
i'll fall asleep
eventually
and i should have told you
where i hid my heart
so that you
could have hunted for it
instead of desecrating
these wounded public exhibitionists
and this open disregard of me
i could
have kept your name
a secret to myself
i think i should
leave the light on
tomorrow
there's a chance that
my overlooked shortcomings
could still be noticed and be my downfall
but as long as
i fall
i'll let nothing catch me
i must confess
that i kept the light on
in an effort
to keep darkness away from
my empty room this lonely bed
and all you see of me is sex
bow your head and pray for a forgotten
dream, the quiet secret parts of
you
leave the door open love
i'll fall asleep
eventually
and i should have told you
where i hid my heart
so that you
could have hunted for it
instead of desecrating
these wounded public exhibitionists
and this open disregard of me
i could
have kept your name
a secret to myself
i think i should
leave the light on
tomorrow
there's a chance that
my overlooked shortcomings
could still be noticed and be my downfall
but as long as
i fall
i'll let nothing catch me
"I Gave Up Because I Was Tired Of Failing"
Went to band last night.
I don't really miss it all that much. But it was good to visit.
I brought Will and introduced him to the strange world/customs of band. And I'd like to add, the show looks FAN-fucking-TASTIC.
Good to see Tanis and Lesley and Josh and Evan and Mike [Elliott] and Strider and Alliey and Lauren and Hilary and...boy...EVERYBODY. Oh, and Matt too, even if he does think I'm a huge wuss. *shakes fist in anger*
Went to Will's later on. His heater is broken because [he thinks] he has a busted fuse. And we [should] all know how much I hate being cold...
What did me in was when I confessed I had a craving for Family Guy and South Park.
The night took a definite upturn after I said that.
Lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky. I am...
[dare I say it?]
....satisfied.
But that's not for you to know why.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: shawn's blog
Went to band last night.
I don't really miss it all that much. But it was good to visit.
I brought Will and introduced him to the strange world/customs of band. And I'd like to add, the show looks FAN-fucking-TASTIC.
Good to see Tanis and Lesley and Josh and Evan and Mike [Elliott] and Strider and Alliey and Lauren and Hilary and...boy...EVERYBODY. Oh, and Matt too, even if he does think I'm a huge wuss. *shakes fist in anger*
Went to Will's later on. His heater is broken because [he thinks] he has a busted fuse. And we [should] all know how much I hate being cold...
What did me in was when I confessed I had a craving for Family Guy and South Park.
The night took a definite upturn after I said that.
Lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky. I am...
[dare I say it?]
....satisfied.
But that's not for you to know why.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: shawn's blog
2.11.2004
Bend And Not Break
My apologies.
I don't expect anybody to ever actually pay attention to my vast and largely overdramatic ramblings.
Please don't think that any of you have to try and make me feel better.
I have developed a rather effective, albeit unhealthy, technique of bottling the highly upsetting issues deep inside myself.
Truth be told, it probably isn't the best thing in the world for me...
...I think my computer is going to explode. Honest to God. I was converting a Word file to PDF format and...yeah, I was scared. I haven't heard it make noises like that in a long time.
Took the train with Mel this morning. Met Claudio and Tim at Anderson station, so I had train buddies the whole way to work!
Going to Grandin tonight because I need an ego boost. And if I get just one run-and-knock-her-over hug, it will make my entire...long period of time....better.
This constant pain in my ankle worries me, though. Like...seriously. What the hell is that about.
So I'm signed up for wireless new bulletins from CBC News. And I got my messages today (one for national news, one for local) and found out that the Leutenient-Governor's residence is to be...*gasp* demolished!
Now I got pretty worried, until I remembered that the LG is not the Governor-General. So that gorgeous palace-like place we did that show near in Ottawa is not the thing that's getting torn down.
I also found out that a Red Deer teen died in a fight. Yeeks.
I will forever associate the scent of lillies with...you know what? I'm not going to say that here.
Those of you who know where to look will find it.
entry playlist
1. *sounds of Default/Dashboard Confessional/Starting Line in my head*
2. *...and Sarah McLachlin's "Fallen"*
blog o' the day: claudio's blog
days until Pat's party:2
My apologies.
I don't expect anybody to ever actually pay attention to my vast and largely overdramatic ramblings.
Please don't think that any of you have to try and make me feel better.
I have developed a rather effective, albeit unhealthy, technique of bottling the highly upsetting issues deep inside myself.
Truth be told, it probably isn't the best thing in the world for me...
...I think my computer is going to explode. Honest to God. I was converting a Word file to PDF format and...yeah, I was scared. I haven't heard it make noises like that in a long time.
Took the train with Mel this morning. Met Claudio and Tim at Anderson station, so I had train buddies the whole way to work!
Going to Grandin tonight because I need an ego boost. And if I get just one run-and-knock-her-over hug, it will make my entire...long period of time....better.
This constant pain in my ankle worries me, though. Like...seriously. What the hell is that about.
So I'm signed up for wireless new bulletins from CBC News. And I got my messages today (one for national news, one for local) and found out that the Leutenient-Governor's residence is to be...*gasp* demolished!
Now I got pretty worried, until I remembered that the LG is not the Governor-General. So that gorgeous palace-like place we did that show near in Ottawa is not the thing that's getting torn down.
I also found out that a Red Deer teen died in a fight. Yeeks.
I will forever associate the scent of lillies with...you know what? I'm not going to say that here.
Those of you who know where to look will find it.
entry playlist
1. *sounds of Default/Dashboard Confessional/Starting Line in my head*
2. *...and Sarah McLachlin's "Fallen"*
blog o' the day: claudio's blog
days until Pat's party:2
A Goodnight's Sleep
A better slumber
Was in your arms
Spent tangled up in you
A sudden mourning
Crashed in the room
With an uninvited sudden change in you
What can I say
Where's that girl from last night
Who slept on that side
And looks just like you do
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away a silent pain, screaming out my name
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake that you don't wake up as broken as I am
For the lack of better
Words to say
All I said was "Goodnight"
Once again
In self defense I won't sleep a wink
To prevent dreaming of you
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away a silent pain, screaming out my name
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you don't wake up as broken as I am
Sleep in your own bed
Tonight
I know someday you will wake up as lonely as I am
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away a silent pain, screaming out my name
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you don't wake up as broken as I am
Sleep in your own bed tonight
I know that some day you will wake up as lonely as I am
Cause fate works both ways
Cause fate works both ways
Cause fate works both ways
Sleep in your own bed
-The Starting Line
A better slumber
Was in your arms
Spent tangled up in you
A sudden mourning
Crashed in the room
With an uninvited sudden change in you
What can I say
Where's that girl from last night
Who slept on that side
And looks just like you do
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away a silent pain, screaming out my name
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake that you don't wake up as broken as I am
For the lack of better
Words to say
All I said was "Goodnight"
Once again
In self defense I won't sleep a wink
To prevent dreaming of you
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away a silent pain, screaming out my name
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you don't wake up as broken as I am
Sleep in your own bed
Tonight
I know someday you will wake up as lonely as I am
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away a silent pain, screaming out my name
You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you don't wake up as broken as I am
Sleep in your own bed tonight
I know that some day you will wake up as lonely as I am
Cause fate works both ways
Cause fate works both ways
Cause fate works both ways
Sleep in your own bed
-The Starting Line
2.10.2004
This Entry Makes No Sense To Anyone Except Me
Share with me, because I need it right now, let me see your insides...or write me off, because I'd rather starve now if you won't open up.
I paced around the house today for a good hour. I don't know why.
I am restless. I want something. I want to go do something.
But see, that's the problem with me.
I'm all talk, no action. I say so many things and then never actually do them, because I don't have the guts.
I thought I could leave, that I could have this one simple solution to the looming heartache in the all-too-near future. But I realised that I can't leave, because I have too many ties here in Calgary.
I feel caged. I feel tied down.
I feel trapped.
But I'd be too scared to leave. So...I'm stuck. In the same mould I've always been in. And I really dislike when I get like this...with my extravagent words and hollow, empty euphemisms of freedom and escape.
Because it's bullshit.
Absolute bullshit.
And everybody knows it, too. I can't leave town, I can't start school again.
I can't write. I can't sing. I can't photograph.
I'm upset all the time. I fake everything I do.
I'm wasting space. I'm wasting time.
I hate myself, but I hate changing who I am even more. It's useless. I'm useless.
I want to cry, but I don't cry about petty things like self-loathing anymore.
Ever since Lucy died...I've felt this way.
I thought it was getting better, lately, but a few train rides home and a talk with my sister have brought things back into focus. And I realise how truly useless I am.
Fuck.
I'm thinking of disbanding the blog.
All I ever do anymore is whine and complain about how shitty my life is. Nobody cares.
....
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!??!?
I'm not making anything better by moping around. "Oh poor me, my dog died and my shitty boyfriend dumped me all in the same two weeks, let's mope about it for THREE FUCKING MONTHS even when I have an amazing guy right in front of me and a high-paying job most kids my age can only masturbate about."
I need to stop bitching.
But I really needed to write that down. Because I feel bad doing it verbally to someone, especially since W is the most likely person to get the brunt of my psychotic episodes for the next little bit. At least, when you read my blog, you can just "x" out of it if you want. I don't have an "x" button....unless it's a "xxx" button.
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
"The first rule of war is: You can always beat the Italians.
The second rule is: ....unless you're French."
I miss JF so much. I know he's coming home in three days [same with SS!] but I miss him so much right now.
I need a good, strong, lets-beat-Renegade-up-cuz-she's-retarded hug.
I miss him so much.
Missing hurts.
entry playlist
1. The Used - Noise and Kisses
2. Matthew Good Band - Running For Home
3. Avril Lavigne - Naked
4. Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me
5. Armour For Sleep - Being Your Walls
6. Robert W. Smith - The Ascension
7. Armour For Sleep - Slip Like Space
8. Jewel - Foolish Games
9. Coldplay - The Scientist
10. Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
blog o' the day: rachael's blog
days until PC's party: 3
Share with me, because I need it right now, let me see your insides...or write me off, because I'd rather starve now if you won't open up.
I paced around the house today for a good hour. I don't know why.
I am restless. I want something. I want to go do something.
But see, that's the problem with me.
I'm all talk, no action. I say so many things and then never actually do them, because I don't have the guts.
I thought I could leave, that I could have this one simple solution to the looming heartache in the all-too-near future. But I realised that I can't leave, because I have too many ties here in Calgary.
I feel caged. I feel tied down.
I feel trapped.
But I'd be too scared to leave. So...I'm stuck. In the same mould I've always been in. And I really dislike when I get like this...with my extravagent words and hollow, empty euphemisms of freedom and escape.
Because it's bullshit.
Absolute bullshit.
And everybody knows it, too. I can't leave town, I can't start school again.
I can't write. I can't sing. I can't photograph.
I'm upset all the time. I fake everything I do.
I'm wasting space. I'm wasting time.
I hate myself, but I hate changing who I am even more. It's useless. I'm useless.
I want to cry, but I don't cry about petty things like self-loathing anymore.
Ever since Lucy died...I've felt this way.
I thought it was getting better, lately, but a few train rides home and a talk with my sister have brought things back into focus. And I realise how truly useless I am.
Fuck.
I'm thinking of disbanding the blog.
All I ever do anymore is whine and complain about how shitty my life is. Nobody cares.
....
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!??!?
I'm not making anything better by moping around. "Oh poor me, my dog died and my shitty boyfriend dumped me all in the same two weeks, let's mope about it for THREE FUCKING MONTHS even when I have an amazing guy right in front of me and a high-paying job most kids my age can only masturbate about."
I need to stop bitching.
But I really needed to write that down. Because I feel bad doing it verbally to someone, especially since W is the most likely person to get the brunt of my psychotic episodes for the next little bit. At least, when you read my blog, you can just "x" out of it if you want. I don't have an "x" button....unless it's a "xxx" button.
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
"The first rule of war is: You can always beat the Italians.
The second rule is: ....unless you're French."
I miss JF so much. I know he's coming home in three days [same with SS!] but I miss him so much right now.
I need a good, strong, lets-beat-Renegade-up-cuz-she's-retarded hug.
I miss him so much.
Missing hurts.
entry playlist
1. The Used - Noise and Kisses
2. Matthew Good Band - Running For Home
3. Avril Lavigne - Naked
4. Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me
5. Armour For Sleep - Being Your Walls
6. Robert W. Smith - The Ascension
7. Armour For Sleep - Slip Like Space
8. Jewel - Foolish Games
9. Coldplay - The Scientist
10. Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
blog o' the day: rachael's blog
days until PC's party: 3
Rough Draft
Like a Saturday night I'll be gone
Like a Saturday night I'll be gone
Before you knew that I was there
So you wrote it down
I'm supposed to care
Even though it's never there
Sorry if I'm not prepared
Is it hard to see the things you substitute
For me and all my thoughts of you
It's eating me alive to leave you
Maybe it's childish and maybe it's wrong
But so is your blank stare in lieu of this song
Maybe it's childish and maybe it's wrong
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
I'm breathing in your skin tonight
Quiet is my loudest cry
Wouldn't wanna wake the eyes that make me melt inside
And if it's healthier to leave you be
May your sickness come and set me free
Kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me
I'm finding my own words, my own little stage
My own epic drama, my own scripted page
I'll send you the rough draft, I'll seal it with tears
Maybe you'll read it and I'll reappear
From the start it was shaky and the characters rash,
A nice setting for heartache where emotions come last
All I have deep inside, to overcome this desire
Are friendly intentions and fair-weather smiles
And I don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Like Saturday night I'll be gone
Like Saturday night I'll be gone
Like Saturday night I'll be gone
Like Saturday night I'll be gone before you knew that I was there
-Yellowcard
Like a Saturday night I'll be gone
Like a Saturday night I'll be gone
Before you knew that I was there
So you wrote it down
I'm supposed to care
Even though it's never there
Sorry if I'm not prepared
Is it hard to see the things you substitute
For me and all my thoughts of you
It's eating me alive to leave you
Maybe it's childish and maybe it's wrong
But so is your blank stare in lieu of this song
Maybe it's childish and maybe it's wrong
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
I'm breathing in your skin tonight
Quiet is my loudest cry
Wouldn't wanna wake the eyes that make me melt inside
And if it's healthier to leave you be
May your sickness come and set me free
Kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me
I'm finding my own words, my own little stage
My own epic drama, my own scripted page
I'll send you the rough draft, I'll seal it with tears
Maybe you'll read it and I'll reappear
From the start it was shaky and the characters rash,
A nice setting for heartache where emotions come last
All I have deep inside, to overcome this desire
Are friendly intentions and fair-weather smiles
And I don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Like Saturday night I'll be gone
Like Saturday night I'll be gone
Like Saturday night I'll be gone
Like Saturday night I'll be gone before you knew that I was there
-Yellowcard
Why Can't I?
Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be
Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too
What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too
It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful
Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
Out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
-Liz Phair
I don't know why this song is stuck in my head. Weeeeird....
Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be
Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too
What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too
It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful
Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
Out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
-Liz Phair
I don't know why this song is stuck in my head. Weeeeird....
Pyre
A cookie to whoever knows the meaning/origin of that word.
It's what I feel like doing.
Last night was fun, I met/photo-opped with a new band. Social Code, a kind of Billy Talent/alexisonfire/Thursday hybrid...but from Edmonton. Much enjoyed, especially the fohawk of the lead singer.
Pictures to follow.
Maroon 5 was the total opposite of SoCo, but thoroughly enjoyed nonetheless. A very laid-back style, almost Remy Shand, although dear Remy doesn't really measure up to Maroon's stage presence. So now Maroon 5's album is on my "to-buy" list, along with SoCo's CD when it comes out in a month.
It was good to see AJ, since we really hadn't seen each other since...wow, I think it was the summer. A long time, regardless.
The Alley was actually pretty empty, considering how I've only ever seen it jammed packed on Saturday nights with the best whores Calgary has to offer, outside of the 16-year-olds at Outlaws on Thursday nights.
"Confirmarions". Ha ha, my typing skills amuse me. I'm working in two windows right now. That's the word I made up instead of actually writing "confirmations".
Anyways.
My flowers have opened up, and since they're right on top of my desk, my space smells heavenly.
I didn't even figure out until I got home last night that he had gotten me a bouquet with my favourite flowers--lillies and daisies. And pink roses. And carnations. And I think there's a crocus in there...along with a bright pink Black-Eyed Susan.
I actually know nothing about flowers. I'm talking out of my ass. I just know that they look gorgeous and I love them.
I think I'm going to pay a visit to Grandin tomorrow night and reaffirm my former position as Brass Empress. Riegal mentioned that he wanted me to come back to Grandin in a few years to instruct brass...but since school/where I'm going for it is all still up in the air [or if I even go this year...] I don't think it'd be a good idea to commit to anything.
Ug. I'm hungry.
But I have a bunch of stuff to do.
And I haven't even got the mail yet. Growl.
*checks blog*
My word, my sister updated!
entry playist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: rachael's blog
days until Pat's party: 3
A cookie to whoever knows the meaning/origin of that word.
It's what I feel like doing.
Last night was fun, I met/photo-opped with a new band. Social Code, a kind of Billy Talent/alexisonfire/Thursday hybrid...but from Edmonton. Much enjoyed, especially the fohawk of the lead singer.
Pictures to follow.
Maroon 5 was the total opposite of SoCo, but thoroughly enjoyed nonetheless. A very laid-back style, almost Remy Shand, although dear Remy doesn't really measure up to Maroon's stage presence. So now Maroon 5's album is on my "to-buy" list, along with SoCo's CD when it comes out in a month.
It was good to see AJ, since we really hadn't seen each other since...wow, I think it was the summer. A long time, regardless.
The Alley was actually pretty empty, considering how I've only ever seen it jammed packed on Saturday nights with the best whores Calgary has to offer, outside of the 16-year-olds at Outlaws on Thursday nights.
"Confirmarions". Ha ha, my typing skills amuse me. I'm working in two windows right now. That's the word I made up instead of actually writing "confirmations".
Anyways.
My flowers have opened up, and since they're right on top of my desk, my space smells heavenly.
I didn't even figure out until I got home last night that he had gotten me a bouquet with my favourite flowers--lillies and daisies. And pink roses. And carnations. And I think there's a crocus in there...along with a bright pink Black-Eyed Susan.
I actually know nothing about flowers. I'm talking out of my ass. I just know that they look gorgeous and I love them.
I think I'm going to pay a visit to Grandin tomorrow night and reaffirm my former position as Brass Empress. Riegal mentioned that he wanted me to come back to Grandin in a few years to instruct brass...but since school/where I'm going for it is all still up in the air [or if I even go this year...] I don't think it'd be a good idea to commit to anything.
Ug. I'm hungry.
But I have a bunch of stuff to do.
And I haven't even got the mail yet. Growl.
*checks blog*
My word, my sister updated!
entry playist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: rachael's blog
days until Pat's party: 3
2.09.2004
Feels Like Home
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
-Chantal Kreviazuk
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
-Chantal Kreviazuk
Liar
I am not having a bad day.
Will walked in about half an hour ago...
...with flowers and a "pre-emptive I'm Sorry" card.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
I am not having a bad day.
Will walked in about half an hour ago...
...with flowers and a "pre-emptive I'm Sorry" card.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
"Say It Like You Mean It"
Am at work.
Feeling sick to my stomach.
I think the wings had something to do with it.
Went for wing night at Joker's with Will, Maureen, and Heather. Then drove around looking for the pub Will's supposed to go to tonight. Then went home.
All in all, I have done nothing of interest in the past 24 hours. Besides eat a lot of wings.
And I'm supposed to be going to see Maroon5 tonight at the Alley with AJ. Mom says no, but we'll see about that.
And besides, it's not like I'm doing anything for the rest of the week. I'll stay home Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday.
Because Friday...dear Lord, if I don't go to that party, I just might be dumped for a drunker-than-drunk lush. So of course I have to go and make sure that doesn't happen, right?
Right.
God, my stomach hurts. I think some of it is anxiety.
Because fuck, I hate inevitability.
I hate being helpless.
But you all know this already.
entry playlist
1. -silence-
blog o' the day: alison's blog
Am at work.
Feeling sick to my stomach.
I think the wings had something to do with it.
Went for wing night at Joker's with Will, Maureen, and Heather. Then drove around looking for the pub Will's supposed to go to tonight. Then went home.
All in all, I have done nothing of interest in the past 24 hours. Besides eat a lot of wings.
And I'm supposed to be going to see Maroon5 tonight at the Alley with AJ. Mom says no, but we'll see about that.
And besides, it's not like I'm doing anything for the rest of the week. I'll stay home Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday.
Because Friday...dear Lord, if I don't go to that party, I just might be dumped for a drunker-than-drunk lush. So of course I have to go and make sure that doesn't happen, right?
Right.
God, my stomach hurts. I think some of it is anxiety.
Because fuck, I hate inevitability.
I hate being helpless.
But you all know this already.
entry playlist
1. -silence-
blog o' the day: alison's blog
2.08.2004
Konstantine
I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand all the things you've seen
But I'm slipping inbetween
You and your big dreams
It's always you
And my big dreams
And you tell me that it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
And you're restless, and I'm naked
You've gotta get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No
Could you let me go?
I didn't think so
And you don't wanna be here in the future
So you say "the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past"
And you don't wanna look much closer
Cuz you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had crashed
And it did
Because of me
And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone
And I'm sleeping in your living room
We don't have much room to live
I had these dreams that I learned to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rock star
And there was hope in me that I could take you there
But dammit you're so young
Well I don't think i care
And if I hurt you
Then I'm sorry
Please don't think that this was easy
Then you bring me home
Cuz we both know what it's like to be alone
And I'm dreaming in your living room
We don't have much room to live
And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear
And I was thinking
What I was thinking
We've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere
My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do is touch her long blonde hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking that these nights
When we were drinking no they never got us anywhere
No
This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
And I can like it
It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car
Where the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant
And if this is what it takes
Just to laugh at my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
It's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
They'll never hurt you like I do
No they'll never hurt you like I do
No, no, no no no no no no
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the pretty things she did
Hey
You know
You keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the fucked up things I did
Hey
Maybe
Baby
You could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine
Spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
And I said
Did you know I missed you? [x7]
Oh god I miss you
And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
And you'll kiss me in your living room
I know
You'll miss me in your living room
Cuz these nights I think maybe that I'll miss you in my living room
We don't have much room
I said does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live
My Konstantine...
-Something Corporate
I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand all the things you've seen
But I'm slipping inbetween
You and your big dreams
It's always you
And my big dreams
And you tell me that it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
And you're restless, and I'm naked
You've gotta get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No
Could you let me go?
I didn't think so
And you don't wanna be here in the future
So you say "the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past"
And you don't wanna look much closer
Cuz you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had crashed
And it did
Because of me
And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone
And I'm sleeping in your living room
We don't have much room to live
I had these dreams that I learned to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rock star
And there was hope in me that I could take you there
But dammit you're so young
Well I don't think i care
And if I hurt you
Then I'm sorry
Please don't think that this was easy
Then you bring me home
Cuz we both know what it's like to be alone
And I'm dreaming in your living room
We don't have much room to live
And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear
And I was thinking
What I was thinking
We've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere
My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do is touch her long blonde hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking that these nights
When we were drinking no they never got us anywhere
No
This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
And I can like it
It's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car
Where the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant
And if this is what it takes
Just to laugh at my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
It's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
They'll never hurt you like I do
No they'll never hurt you like I do
No, no, no no no no no no
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the pretty things she did
Hey
You know
You keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the fucked up things I did
Hey
Maybe
Baby
You could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine
Spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
And I said
Did you know I missed you? [x7]
Oh god I miss you
And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
And you'll kiss me in your living room
I know
You'll miss me in your living room
Cuz these nights I think maybe that I'll miss you in my living room
We don't have much room
I said does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live
My Konstantine...
-Something Corporate
All Of This
Urg.
I feel crappy.
And I don't know why.
Liquor has nothing to do with it. I had some very good rum & coke at this place we went to last night...all these people from the Loose Moose just got together at someone's house and hung out. Turns out I work in the same building as one of the guys who lives there.
Took some good pictures [I think] and got to do a lot of thinking.
Because, you know, I don't talk when I'm around new people.
Went home around 2:45. Got into bed around 3. Fell asleep around 4, because I was tossing and turning. Mom woke me up by throwing Maddie in my room at noon.
Ate breakfast and my leftover Christmas chocolate. Had a bath, then napped for an hour while watching TV.
Apparently I'm supposed to "spend some time" on my room today, i.e. cleaning. Urg. I hate cleaning.
I just want to spend one night out all night. Crawl into bed at 7 am.
I'll probably do this next Friday at the party. Barring any unforseen circumstances, like passing out around 2 am in the bathroom. I'll just drink Revs, to keep me up. Nothing like a caffinated Drunk Renegade to keep everybody else awake until 6 am!
"Konstantine" has already become one of "those" songs.
See "Killing Me", "Globes & Maps", "Still Breathing", and "Here Without You" for similar experiences.
My neck is all stiff from the way I slept last night.
And I'm getting all sombre and moody and reminiscent.
entry playlist
1. Evanescence - My Immortal
2. Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves At New Jersey
3. Armour for Sleep - Dream To Make-Believe
4. Something Corporate - Konstantine
blog o' the day: alliey's blog
Urg.
I feel crappy.
And I don't know why.
Liquor has nothing to do with it. I had some very good rum & coke at this place we went to last night...all these people from the Loose Moose just got together at someone's house and hung out. Turns out I work in the same building as one of the guys who lives there.
Took some good pictures [I think] and got to do a lot of thinking.
Because, you know, I don't talk when I'm around new people.
Went home around 2:45. Got into bed around 3. Fell asleep around 4, because I was tossing and turning. Mom woke me up by throwing Maddie in my room at noon.
Ate breakfast and my leftover Christmas chocolate. Had a bath, then napped for an hour while watching TV.
Apparently I'm supposed to "spend some time" on my room today, i.e. cleaning. Urg. I hate cleaning.
I just want to spend one night out all night. Crawl into bed at 7 am.
I'll probably do this next Friday at the party. Barring any unforseen circumstances, like passing out around 2 am in the bathroom. I'll just drink Revs, to keep me up. Nothing like a caffinated Drunk Renegade to keep everybody else awake until 6 am!
"Konstantine" has already become one of "those" songs.
See "Killing Me", "Globes & Maps", "Still Breathing", and "Here Without You" for similar experiences.
My neck is all stiff from the way I slept last night.
And I'm getting all sombre and moody and reminiscent.
entry playlist
1. Evanescence - My Immortal
2. Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves At New Jersey
3. Armour for Sleep - Dream To Make-Believe
4. Something Corporate - Konstantine
blog o' the day: alliey's blog
2.07.2004
The Sun Was Coming Up While We Were Laying Down
Hee hee. I'm a little drunk.
I've had the equivalent of 4 or 5 shots of the chocolate liquor...but I think my last drink was a little more along the size of 2 shots. I lost the measuring shotglass, so....yeah, probably more than that.
I love my stereo. Like you wouldn't believe...wowsers. Yay for "random" setting.
I think I'm just blogging for the sake of blogging...how sad is that?
Almost as sad as drinking while babysitting...now that's sad.
Thursday is Jesus. I can't believe I haven't listened to this CD in a while.
That's the problem with having so many fucking CDs...you don't really listen to all of them. Because you get attached to certain ones, so you spend all your time listening to them, and leave the other ones there in the tower.
It's like how some friendships are, acutally, now that I think about it. Like you get a new friend and they're awesome, but then you end up forgetting about the other friends you have. But it's not exactly the same, because the CDs will stay in the tower until you want to listen to them again.
The friends, on the oher hand, wisen up and move on.
Fuck, its no wonder I'm such a loser. "Let's stay home alone and get drunk! Whoooo! And let's do it alone! And let's blog about it!" Fuck, I'm so cool, I want to just fucking MARRY myself.
Good. W's coming to pick me up.
This is good, because now I'm starting to turn into Depressed Drunk Renegade.
Fuck. I'm awesome.
entry playlist
1. MxPx - Kings of Hollywood
2. Sparta - Vacant Skies
3. Thursday - War All The Time
4. Down By Law - Next To Go
5. -silence-
blog o' the day: dana's blog
Hee hee. I'm a little drunk.
I've had the equivalent of 4 or 5 shots of the chocolate liquor...but I think my last drink was a little more along the size of 2 shots. I lost the measuring shotglass, so....yeah, probably more than that.
I love my stereo. Like you wouldn't believe...wowsers. Yay for "random" setting.
I think I'm just blogging for the sake of blogging...how sad is that?
Almost as sad as drinking while babysitting...now that's sad.
Thursday is Jesus. I can't believe I haven't listened to this CD in a while.
That's the problem with having so many fucking CDs...you don't really listen to all of them. Because you get attached to certain ones, so you spend all your time listening to them, and leave the other ones there in the tower.
It's like how some friendships are, acutally, now that I think about it. Like you get a new friend and they're awesome, but then you end up forgetting about the other friends you have. But it's not exactly the same, because the CDs will stay in the tower until you want to listen to them again.
The friends, on the oher hand, wisen up and move on.
Fuck, its no wonder I'm such a loser. "Let's stay home alone and get drunk! Whoooo! And let's do it alone! And let's blog about it!" Fuck, I'm so cool, I want to just fucking MARRY myself.
Good. W's coming to pick me up.
This is good, because now I'm starting to turn into Depressed Drunk Renegade.
Fuck. I'm awesome.
entry playlist
1. MxPx - Kings of Hollywood
2. Sparta - Vacant Skies
3. Thursday - War All The Time
4. Down By Law - Next To Go
5. -silence-
blog o' the day: dana's blog
Ree-Spon-See-Bill-Eee-Tee?
Let's say it together, now...
So my parents have decided that KS2 and JH will die a terrible death if left alone between 7:30 and 10:00 tonight.
Therefore, instead of going to Loose Moose tonight to see W, I'm stuck at home with the two kids who perpetually want to use my camera to take retarded pictures of each other.
And I can't go out until at least 10:00.
So what's a Babysitting Renegade to do?
Get drunk!
Well...not really.
But I'll get myself pleasently tipsy nonetheless. I didn't have the liquor to make Paralyzers or Long Island Iced Teas, so I had to make my own drink.
I found creme de cacao in the liquor cabinet! Whee! I'm calling my drink "Killer Chocolate Milk":
2 ounces creme de cacao
6 ounces milk
Nestle Quik syrup
Combine in shaker; shake; pour into tall glass over ice.
Went to Chinook with my sister, which was surprisingly enjoyable. Spent about four hours looking at purses, which she never even ended up buying. God.
But we had a good time, which is cool...since, you know, we used to hate each other.
She thinks I'm going to start booting for her. Nahhh.....
Whoo. I drank that fast. Time for a second?
But I can't make it while the kids are on the main floor....must plot ways to get them to go upstairs...or into the basement, that'd work too.
Just talked to W. I'm super-pissed that I have to stay home tonight. Fuck. But he said he'd swing by later with CF and MW. Which would be awesome, because then I'd get to go out.
Going out is awesome.
As opposed to sitting at home and getting pleasently sloshed by myself.
Fuck. And I can't even give booze to the dog.
God dammit.
entry playlist
1. Dashboard Confessional - This Ruined Puzzle
2. Dashboard Confessional - The Sharp Hint Of New Tears
3. Thrice - Under Par
4. Dave Matthew Band - Crash (Acoustic)
blog o' the day: dana's blog
Let's say it together, now...
So my parents have decided that KS2 and JH will die a terrible death if left alone between 7:30 and 10:00 tonight.
Therefore, instead of going to Loose Moose tonight to see W, I'm stuck at home with the two kids who perpetually want to use my camera to take retarded pictures of each other.
And I can't go out until at least 10:00.
So what's a Babysitting Renegade to do?
Get drunk!
Well...not really.
But I'll get myself pleasently tipsy nonetheless. I didn't have the liquor to make Paralyzers or Long Island Iced Teas, so I had to make my own drink.
I found creme de cacao in the liquor cabinet! Whee! I'm calling my drink "Killer Chocolate Milk":
2 ounces creme de cacao
6 ounces milk
Nestle Quik syrup
Combine in shaker; shake; pour into tall glass over ice.
Went to Chinook with my sister, which was surprisingly enjoyable. Spent about four hours looking at purses, which she never even ended up buying. God.
But we had a good time, which is cool...since, you know, we used to hate each other.
She thinks I'm going to start booting for her. Nahhh.....
Whoo. I drank that fast. Time for a second?
But I can't make it while the kids are on the main floor....must plot ways to get them to go upstairs...or into the basement, that'd work too.
Just talked to W. I'm super-pissed that I have to stay home tonight. Fuck. But he said he'd swing by later with CF and MW. Which would be awesome, because then I'd get to go out.
Going out is awesome.
As opposed to sitting at home and getting pleasently sloshed by myself.
Fuck. And I can't even give booze to the dog.
God dammit.
entry playlist
1. Dashboard Confessional - This Ruined Puzzle
2. Dashboard Confessional - The Sharp Hint Of New Tears
3. Thrice - Under Par
4. Dave Matthew Band - Crash (Acoustic)
blog o' the day: dana's blog
Give & Take
Lesley's taking mechanics?!
That...is awesome. Good for you, hon.
Last night was some good quality Will time. Went to Jack Astor's for dinner, and then to his place to watch Family Guy.
I need to start bringing my camera with me wherever I go. I get these awesome shots lined up, and then...no camera to take them with.
We sort of talking about him leaving last night.
It's hard, knowing that he's leaving in a month and a half.
Like...
.......................................really hard.
But I know that if I keep thinking about it, I'm just going to get myself into a pit of depression. And if I do that, then I won't be able to enjoy this next month and a bit the way I should be.
And then what would be the point?
I always want things to have a purpose. An explanation, a reason, a certainty. I always want to have a goal in mind. A destination.
Even if that destination isn't quite what everybody else expects me to arrive at.
But...when was the last time I did what anyone wanted me to do?
I do things [and I'll do this...] for myself.
OK, well, maybe for him, too.
Just a little.
Going to Southcentre today with Blaire to shop for a birthday present for her friend. Plus, my dad's birthday is coming up, too. Faaaack.
"Should have done something but I've done it enough / By the way your hands were shaking / Rather waste my time with you / Should have said something but I've said it enough / By the way, my words were faded / Rather waste some time with you..."
entry playlist
1. Something Corporate - Konstantine
2. The Used - Blue And Yellow
blog o' the day: dana's blog
Lesley's taking mechanics?!
That...is awesome. Good for you, hon.
Last night was some good quality Will time. Went to Jack Astor's for dinner, and then to his place to watch Family Guy.
I need to start bringing my camera with me wherever I go. I get these awesome shots lined up, and then...no camera to take them with.
We sort of talking about him leaving last night.
It's hard, knowing that he's leaving in a month and a half.
Like...
.......................................really hard.
But I know that if I keep thinking about it, I'm just going to get myself into a pit of depression. And if I do that, then I won't be able to enjoy this next month and a bit the way I should be.
And then what would be the point?
I always want things to have a purpose. An explanation, a reason, a certainty. I always want to have a goal in mind. A destination.
Even if that destination isn't quite what everybody else expects me to arrive at.
But...when was the last time I did what anyone wanted me to do?
I do things [and I'll do this...] for myself.
OK, well, maybe for him, too.
Just a little.
Going to Southcentre today with Blaire to shop for a birthday present for her friend. Plus, my dad's birthday is coming up, too. Faaaack.
"Should have done something but I've done it enough / By the way your hands were shaking / Rather waste my time with you / Should have said something but I've said it enough / By the way, my words were faded / Rather waste some time with you..."
entry playlist
1. Something Corporate - Konstantine
2. The Used - Blue And Yellow
blog o' the day: dana's blog
2.06.2004
Drive On Me
Funny thing happened on the way to work today.....
Actually, I took the train with Mel, which was awesome, because we were both running late and therefore ended up on the "late train".
She's getting her ID next week, which is doubly awesome, because now we [read: Zellers crew] can go get shitfaced together! Wheeee!
Supposed to be going out with Will tonight, but we'll see how he feels after his drinking binge last night with The Chris's. Ahhh, boyfriends. How they amuse me so.
Went to the mall last night by myself. I actually had a good time.
Went to Chapters and book-browsed...by myself. Went to HMV...by myself. [I bought Hot Hot Heat - Makeup the Breakdown and Romeo & Juliet on DVD for 22$ total!] Went to Suzy Shier.....by myself and bought a really, really nice pair of pants.
By myself.
See, I used to never be able to do things on my own. It was always like "I NEED TO HAVE SOMEONE GO WITH ME!!!"
I still hate going places by myself if I'm not comfortable with it or its a new place. But, cmon, fuck...I practically lived there during my brief tenure at Laura Petites.
However...going to The Gateway tonight at SAIT to see Pilate by myself...not so much fun. I'd much rather go see it with somebody else.
Hint. Hint. *suggestive look*
Oh, cmon, its on me. Or, we can do whatever.
I'm not in a particularily picky mood.
Hanging out would be cool, too.
Why am I talking to my blog!?
I went for sushi today [by myself!], because I spoil myself. Twas good.
I'm getting kind of tired of sushi, though...so I think I may start going to East Side Mario's or Barclay's or Fionna MacCool's.
Choices, choices.
Phoom. I want to go home.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: corey's blog
Funny thing happened on the way to work today.....
Actually, I took the train with Mel, which was awesome, because we were both running late and therefore ended up on the "late train".
She's getting her ID next week, which is doubly awesome, because now we [read: Zellers crew] can go get shitfaced together! Wheeee!
Supposed to be going out with Will tonight, but we'll see how he feels after his drinking binge last night with The Chris's. Ahhh, boyfriends. How they amuse me so.
Went to the mall last night by myself. I actually had a good time.
Went to Chapters and book-browsed...by myself. Went to HMV...by myself. [I bought Hot Hot Heat - Makeup the Breakdown and Romeo & Juliet on DVD for 22$ total!] Went to Suzy Shier.....by myself and bought a really, really nice pair of pants.
By myself.
See, I used to never be able to do things on my own. It was always like "I NEED TO HAVE SOMEONE GO WITH ME!!!"
I still hate going places by myself if I'm not comfortable with it or its a new place. But, cmon, fuck...I practically lived there during my brief tenure at Laura Petites.
However...going to The Gateway tonight at SAIT to see Pilate by myself...not so much fun. I'd much rather go see it with somebody else.
Hint. Hint. *suggestive look*
Oh, cmon, its on me. Or, we can do whatever.
I'm not in a particularily picky mood.
Hanging out would be cool, too.
Why am I talking to my blog!?
I went for sushi today [by myself!], because I spoil myself. Twas good.
I'm getting kind of tired of sushi, though...so I think I may start going to East Side Mario's or Barclay's or Fionna MacCool's.
Choices, choices.
Phoom. I want to go home.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: corey's blog
Drive On Me
You're earth bound and I'm injured,
We move too fast to remember
The drive on to me.
Drive on to me,
We carved the days from the hours,
You showed me all I could have
In the drive on to me.
You were free when I was taken.
You did your best to change that in the drive on to me.
You stop and I'm in over drive
You hooked the stars with your eyes
In the drive on to me.
Accident when we needed,
I'm stronger as we near it.
We can't help to watch this whole thing crash together.
We are the bruised and the tender.
We are the crack that was mended.
From all the times we ever tried
We should've found each other
In this drive on to me.
-Elliott
You're earth bound and I'm injured,
We move too fast to remember
The drive on to me.
Drive on to me,
We carved the days from the hours,
You showed me all I could have
In the drive on to me.
You were free when I was taken.
You did your best to change that in the drive on to me.
You stop and I'm in over drive
You hooked the stars with your eyes
In the drive on to me.
Accident when we needed,
I'm stronger as we near it.
We can't help to watch this whole thing crash together.
We are the bruised and the tender.
We are the crack that was mended.
From all the times we ever tried
We should've found each other
In this drive on to me.
-Elliott
ANOTHER SUITCASE IN ANOTHER HALL
Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber; lyrics by Tim Rice
I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble, I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it--wouldn't you?
So what happens now?
(Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now?
(Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to?
(You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?
Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom; that I'm hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me--and they do
So what happens now?
(Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now?
(Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to?
(You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?
Call in three months time and I'll be fine, I know
Well, maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of this sad occasion
But that's no consolation--here and now
So what happens now?
(Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now?
(Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to?
(You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?
(Don't ask anymore...)
---------------------------------------------------
Thank you. For everything.
You have no idea how much I needed that right now.
Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber; lyrics by Tim Rice
I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble, I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it--wouldn't you?
So what happens now?
(Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now?
(Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to?
(You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?
Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom; that I'm hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me--and they do
So what happens now?
(Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now?
(Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to?
(You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?
Call in three months time and I'll be fine, I know
Well, maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of this sad occasion
But that's no consolation--here and now
So what happens now?
(Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now?
(Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to?
(You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?
(Don't ask anymore...)
---------------------------------------------------
Thank you. For everything.
You have no idea how much I needed that right now.
2.05.2004
Break Myself
I have hands that shake a lot.
I don't know if this is a result of stress or nerves.
Or some kind of genetic predisposition.
Or a vitamin deficiency.
A lot of things in life are caused by genetics or poor nutrition.
Why is it that young, cute engineers always come in after I have a boyfriend?
Not that I would trade him in. He's got his own irresistable cuteness about him.
And besides, the engineers are always boring.
Am grooving to Saves The Day, "Certain Tragedy". So perky for such depressing lyrics. And "Cars & Calories", too. Yessum.
I think I should be a petroleum engineer. Because I'm boring.
[what im basically doing right now is keeping this window open while im working and just throwing something in here whenever the mood strikes me]
I'm not happy with how my voice has sounded lately. I tried a bit last night and it just died, which is embarrasing for me, because I used to be really happy with my singing voice. So...this means more turning down the stereo and actually trying to NOT sound like ass. When I'm at home, of course.
Since we all know I never practice anything.
I went to sleep a lot faster than I would have expected last night. I'm guessing that my years of insomnia have funally caught up to me--because now, I fall asleep really fast. And I don't wake up in the middle of the night much, anymore.
This is weird. How can it be that I had so little sleep during what I still consider to be the best time of my life, and now, when I seem to be miserable most of the time, I sleep like a baby?
That, dear blogwhores....is messed.
I also don't think that sentence made any sense. Shhh.
I'm staying home tonight, for a change. Well, after I stop by Chinook and buy some new black pants for work. Stupid pants and getting a hole for no real reason. Yarg.
And I think I may buy some other things, too. I have $200 in my account. I think I can spend around 75$...here's my up-and-coming bills/expenses:
-50$ cell phone bill
-38.51$ for my Something Corporate CD...which may/may not come in this month.
-65$ for Bus pass
-Valentine's day/Andrea's birthday/Rachael's birthday
-Reading Week bar adventures
-assorted food/coffee
Goodbye, 200$. Granted, not all of that has to be paid right now. It can wait two weeks, some of it. *shrug*
I love the +15 system. I can get almost anywhere without having to go outside.
Because yes, I'm lazy. And boring.
Lazy/boring enough to be an engineer?
We'll see.
I have hands that shake a lot.
I don't know if this is a result of stress or nerves.
Or some kind of genetic predisposition.
Or a vitamin deficiency.
A lot of things in life are caused by genetics or poor nutrition.
Why is it that young, cute engineers always come in after I have a boyfriend?
Not that I would trade him in. He's got his own irresistable cuteness about him.
And besides, the engineers are always boring.
Am grooving to Saves The Day, "Certain Tragedy". So perky for such depressing lyrics. And "Cars & Calories", too. Yessum.
I think I should be a petroleum engineer. Because I'm boring.
[what im basically doing right now is keeping this window open while im working and just throwing something in here whenever the mood strikes me]
I'm not happy with how my voice has sounded lately. I tried a bit last night and it just died, which is embarrasing for me, because I used to be really happy with my singing voice. So...this means more turning down the stereo and actually trying to NOT sound like ass. When I'm at home, of course.
Since we all know I never practice anything.
I went to sleep a lot faster than I would have expected last night. I'm guessing that my years of insomnia have funally caught up to me--because now, I fall asleep really fast. And I don't wake up in the middle of the night much, anymore.
This is weird. How can it be that I had so little sleep during what I still consider to be the best time of my life, and now, when I seem to be miserable most of the time, I sleep like a baby?
That, dear blogwhores....is messed.
I also don't think that sentence made any sense. Shhh.
I'm staying home tonight, for a change. Well, after I stop by Chinook and buy some new black pants for work. Stupid pants and getting a hole for no real reason. Yarg.
And I think I may buy some other things, too. I have $200 in my account. I think I can spend around 75$...here's my up-and-coming bills/expenses:
-50$ cell phone bill
-38.51$ for my Something Corporate CD...which may/may not come in this month.
-65$ for Bus pass
-Valentine's day/Andrea's birthday/Rachael's birthday
-Reading Week bar adventures
-assorted food/coffee
Goodbye, 200$. Granted, not all of that has to be paid right now. It can wait two weeks, some of it. *shrug*
I love the +15 system. I can get almost anywhere without having to go outside.
Because yes, I'm lazy. And boring.
Lazy/boring enough to be an engineer?
We'll see.
Tie Me To The Bed Posts
I forgot to tell this story.
So we drop Megan off at her house last night, and head over to the Evergreen Boonies to drop me off.
He turns on the stereo:
"What's that word for when two people agree to disagree, or come to a decision in the middle...?"
"A compromise?"
"Yeah, yeah, that. Well, this is a comproMIX."
He actually researched his music. Burned a CD that was a mixture of songs we can both listen to. It started off with Nancy Sinatra, "Bang Bang"--which is the song that Kill Bill opens to. God, I love that song.
"But wait, there's more..."
Next track: Avril FUCKING Lavigne! God! "I'm With You"!
After that: Yellowcard - Inside Out. [I'm floored at this point]
[some song in the middle]
Eve 6 - Inside Out.
Matthew Good Band - So Long Mrs. Smith
A bunch of other ones.
And then we're on James McKevitt and he flips the track again and...Konstantine. My god.
I just sit there in a kind of shock. He grins. "I did my research."
Wow. Wow wow wow wow.
I don't know why it meant so much to me. But it did...because I know that music is something we never agree on, and he's not too fond of my pop-punk-whore tendencies. And the fact that he actually put effort into finding the songs and burning the CD...ah, I'm a loser.
I'm far too easily impressed. Or am I?
I don't know.
But it was just really sweet of him.
*beats self with stick because I sound like a LOSER*
Arrrrrrg.
Keep this to myself, next time.
I'm so sappy I put the trees to shame. OK, that was lame.
But so am I.
I forgot to tell this story.
So we drop Megan off at her house last night, and head over to the Evergreen Boonies to drop me off.
He turns on the stereo:
"What's that word for when two people agree to disagree, or come to a decision in the middle...?"
"A compromise?"
"Yeah, yeah, that. Well, this is a comproMIX."
He actually researched his music. Burned a CD that was a mixture of songs we can both listen to. It started off with Nancy Sinatra, "Bang Bang"--which is the song that Kill Bill opens to. God, I love that song.
"But wait, there's more..."
Next track: Avril FUCKING Lavigne! God! "I'm With You"!
After that: Yellowcard - Inside Out. [I'm floored at this point]
[some song in the middle]
Eve 6 - Inside Out.
Matthew Good Band - So Long Mrs. Smith
A bunch of other ones.
And then we're on James McKevitt and he flips the track again and...Konstantine. My god.
I just sit there in a kind of shock. He grins. "I did my research."
Wow. Wow wow wow wow.
I don't know why it meant so much to me. But it did...because I know that music is something we never agree on, and he's not too fond of my pop-punk-whore tendencies. And the fact that he actually put effort into finding the songs and burning the CD...ah, I'm a loser.
I'm far too easily impressed. Or am I?
I don't know.
But it was just really sweet of him.
*beats self with stick because I sound like a LOSER*
Arrrrrrg.
Keep this to myself, next time.
I'm so sappy I put the trees to shame. OK, that was lame.
But so am I.
Bittersweet
Today was the day I was supposed to leave for the Dominican Republic.
I should have been on a plane at 7 AM. Right now, I should have been sleeping with my headphones in and dreaming of the paradise awaiting me after the 8-hour flight.
But instead...
My brother will forever have his pacemaker. My parents aged ten years in the forty-eight hours that we went through. And I seem to have developed a deep-seated fear of losing the people I love.
The future scares me. I know it's filled with good times...but I'm still terrified by the prospect of disease and heart attacks and aging. I want to be forever young...I don't want to watch myself grow old.
I think it's the idea of growing old alone that scares me most of all. The ingrained philosophy I have that I will never get married, never have kids, never need anybody. This actually hinders a lot of things in my life. Plus, I have all these unrequited issues with death. Take last night, for example.
I dreamed about Lucy. I had this dream where she came back, except her foot had been amputated, and she was the same as she used to be, and I just sat there playing with her like nothing had ever changed. I woke up crying.
And I had to run to the washroom just now, because I had started crying again.
But anyways. I'm scared of growing old because I'm afraid of aging and death. How stupid is that? I may as well say, "I'm afraid of sunsets because that means time is passing."
I'm not retarded. I know that time passes and things change and that's just the way it goes...but I hate that about life.
There are some moments where you just want to stop time so you can enjoy it forever. But, you can't...so I guess this is what they mean when they say "Live for the moment".
Breathe. Live. Fuck.
Not literally, of course.
Anyways.
Yuk Yuks was fun, as expected. Will had a great set, considering me and Cori were front row. So we heckled one guy who kept talking about giving Kobe Bryant a handjob. And the headliner was still funny, even if I saw him the night before.
Cori and I drank our water and made fun of how poor we were [not anymore--today was payday!]...and then my most awesomest boyfriend brought me his free rum-and-coke. Mmmm, liquor. It gave me a massive headache, so go figure.
OK. I have to run for Chinese visas, now...entry later? We'll see.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: chelsea's blog
Today was the day I was supposed to leave for the Dominican Republic.
I should have been on a plane at 7 AM. Right now, I should have been sleeping with my headphones in and dreaming of the paradise awaiting me after the 8-hour flight.
But instead...
My brother will forever have his pacemaker. My parents aged ten years in the forty-eight hours that we went through. And I seem to have developed a deep-seated fear of losing the people I love.
The future scares me. I know it's filled with good times...but I'm still terrified by the prospect of disease and heart attacks and aging. I want to be forever young...I don't want to watch myself grow old.
I think it's the idea of growing old alone that scares me most of all. The ingrained philosophy I have that I will never get married, never have kids, never need anybody. This actually hinders a lot of things in my life. Plus, I have all these unrequited issues with death. Take last night, for example.
I dreamed about Lucy. I had this dream where she came back, except her foot had been amputated, and she was the same as she used to be, and I just sat there playing with her like nothing had ever changed. I woke up crying.
And I had to run to the washroom just now, because I had started crying again.
But anyways. I'm scared of growing old because I'm afraid of aging and death. How stupid is that? I may as well say, "I'm afraid of sunsets because that means time is passing."
I'm not retarded. I know that time passes and things change and that's just the way it goes...but I hate that about life.
There are some moments where you just want to stop time so you can enjoy it forever. But, you can't...so I guess this is what they mean when they say "Live for the moment".
Breathe. Live. Fuck.
Not literally, of course.
Anyways.
Yuk Yuks was fun, as expected. Will had a great set, considering me and Cori were front row. So we heckled one guy who kept talking about giving Kobe Bryant a handjob. And the headliner was still funny, even if I saw him the night before.
Cori and I drank our water and made fun of how poor we were [not anymore--today was payday!]...and then my most awesomest boyfriend brought me his free rum-and-coke. Mmmm, liquor. It gave me a massive headache, so go figure.
OK. I have to run for Chinese visas, now...entry later? We'll see.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: chelsea's blog
2.04.2004
Count The Stars
I do believe, my friends...
...that I have found myself in quite the little conundrum.
And I don't care. On a separate and totally unrelated note:
Apparently I'm off the hook for Valentine's Day, as far as gifts go. Which is kind of cool, cuz I can just be the Selfish Bitch we all know I really am for the day. Also kind of sucks because I enjoy spending money on other people in an attempt to hold their interest for a while.
I tend to find my relationships are very animal-like. "Oooh, shiny!" Nah, I'm kidding. I'm sure it's my sparkling personality that keeps 'em here.
Cori's picking me up in about an hour to go to Yuk Yuk's, because we're both bored...and poor. Hopefully there'll be complimentary tickets at the door, otherwise we'll just lean up against the door and listen to the show.
And we're only drinking water.
Because god, we're poor.
Payday is tomorrow! Yeeeeah!
entry playlist
1. Matthew Good Band - She's Got A New Disguise
2. Taking Back Sunday - Ghost Man On Third
blog o' the day: trevor's blog
I do believe, my friends...
...that I have found myself in quite the little conundrum.
And I don't care. On a separate and totally unrelated note:
Apparently I'm off the hook for Valentine's Day, as far as gifts go. Which is kind of cool, cuz I can just be the Selfish Bitch we all know I really am for the day. Also kind of sucks because I enjoy spending money on other people in an attempt to hold their interest for a while.
I tend to find my relationships are very animal-like. "Oooh, shiny!" Nah, I'm kidding. I'm sure it's my sparkling personality that keeps 'em here.
Cori's picking me up in about an hour to go to Yuk Yuk's, because we're both bored...and poor. Hopefully there'll be complimentary tickets at the door, otherwise we'll just lean up against the door and listen to the show.
And we're only drinking water.
Because god, we're poor.
Payday is tomorrow! Yeeeeah!
entry playlist
1. Matthew Good Band - She's Got A New Disguise
2. Taking Back Sunday - Ghost Man On Third
blog o' the day: trevor's blog
The Sun Goes Down
Sunlight
Fleeting away from me in ribbons
I love the dusk--seeing everything bathed in
Grey and gold and light and shadow
I am part of everything here, part of myself
The only sounds I can hear flit to my ears:
Water choking flowing drowning the banks
My feet slapping the ground in rhythm
Birds sing, dying out with the light
And I stop at a crest
Holding my aching sides, feeling the
Delicious burning in my legs, gazing
Into the failing sun--
Then a brillian flash of
Orange and golden dreams and passion and violence
The sunset takes my breath away
So while I'm suffocating in the beauty,
I'm standing here
And I'm missing you
-05/28/02
Sunlight
Fleeting away from me in ribbons
I love the dusk--seeing everything bathed in
Grey and gold and light and shadow
I am part of everything here, part of myself
The only sounds I can hear flit to my ears:
Water choking flowing drowning the banks
My feet slapping the ground in rhythm
Birds sing, dying out with the light
And I stop at a crest
Holding my aching sides, feeling the
Delicious burning in my legs, gazing
Into the failing sun--
Then a brillian flash of
Orange and golden dreams and passion and violence
The sunset takes my breath away
So while I'm suffocating in the beauty,
I'm standing here
And I'm missing you
-05/28/02
The Two Of Us
The air is too dry in Calgary.
I keep a squeeze bottle of hand lotion beside my desk. The Healing Garden, "Zzztherapy". "Silk pyjamas body lotion", the label continues. With chamomile and vanilla bean.
It smells like heaven. I use it every half hour because my hands dry out so fast.
I've always hated my dry hands and skin. It's part of the reason I don't like wearing skirts or shorts.
I went to Yuk Yuk's last night to watch Will comedy it up. He did a great job, considering he was the first one onstage [besides the MC, of course...I'm a retard...]. He got a guest spot in tonight's show, so he's pretty excited/nervous/psychotic right about now...
Man. And I thought I got worked up about things. Anyways.
I hope I can get down there tonight, since I'm pretty sure he'd like to have me there for moral support. Little does he know...I plan to sit in the front row and heckle him! Bwahahaha!
Nah, I'm kidding. "Heckling" is too strong a word. And it sounds too much like "hackle" which implies fur, and the wrinkling thereof...
Oh man. I need a drink. I'm rambling.
I need to start listening to something else besides Yellowcard and Story Of The Year. See, what's been happening lately...is that when I put a CD in before I take the bus, I just grab something without thinking. And then I usually don't have time to change the CD later, so I just end up listening to that CD for the entire week.
It's time to break out the old-school CDs. Like MGB [Audio of Being; loseranthems; Beautiful Midnight; Underdogs; Raygun; Last of the Ghetto Astronauts]. Or Treble Charger [Detox]. Or Trapt [self titled]. Or Matchbook Romance [West for Wishing; Stories & Alibis]. Or Less Than Jake [Firecracker]. Or AFI [the Art of Drowning; Sing the Sorrow]. Or The Ataris [End Is Forever; So Long, Astoria]. Or...god...any of my older CDs. Fuck.
Even YC's "One For The Kids" would be better than me just looping "Ocean Avenue" over and over again. And what about the Saves The Day album I just bought?! I listened to "Stay What You Are" maybe three times before I ran off to HMV and bought "In Reverie". But then I fell in lust with Story Of The Year and forgot about this other kick-ass, 23$ CD. Fuck again.
So I've almost got "nudity is not a crime" perfected. I'll just add the personal details, the MSN profile pic [I think it's Will, right now...], the Imood, and my blog-ring links, and I'll be set.
Am I missing anybody on the blog list?
Please let me know.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: trevor's blog
The air is too dry in Calgary.
I keep a squeeze bottle of hand lotion beside my desk. The Healing Garden, "Zzztherapy". "Silk pyjamas body lotion", the label continues. With chamomile and vanilla bean.
It smells like heaven. I use it every half hour because my hands dry out so fast.
I've always hated my dry hands and skin. It's part of the reason I don't like wearing skirts or shorts.
I went to Yuk Yuk's last night to watch Will comedy it up. He did a great job, considering he was the first one onstage [besides the MC, of course...I'm a retard...]. He got a guest spot in tonight's show, so he's pretty excited/nervous/psychotic right about now...
Man. And I thought I got worked up about things. Anyways.
I hope I can get down there tonight, since I'm pretty sure he'd like to have me there for moral support. Little does he know...I plan to sit in the front row and heckle him! Bwahahaha!
Nah, I'm kidding. "Heckling" is too strong a word. And it sounds too much like "hackle" which implies fur, and the wrinkling thereof...
Oh man. I need a drink. I'm rambling.
I need to start listening to something else besides Yellowcard and Story Of The Year. See, what's been happening lately...is that when I put a CD in before I take the bus, I just grab something without thinking. And then I usually don't have time to change the CD later, so I just end up listening to that CD for the entire week.
It's time to break out the old-school CDs. Like MGB [Audio of Being; loseranthems; Beautiful Midnight; Underdogs; Raygun; Last of the Ghetto Astronauts]. Or Treble Charger [Detox]. Or Trapt [self titled]. Or Matchbook Romance [West for Wishing; Stories & Alibis]. Or Less Than Jake [Firecracker]. Or AFI [the Art of Drowning; Sing the Sorrow]. Or The Ataris [End Is Forever; So Long, Astoria]. Or...god...any of my older CDs. Fuck.
Even YC's "One For The Kids" would be better than me just looping "Ocean Avenue" over and over again. And what about the Saves The Day album I just bought?! I listened to "Stay What You Are" maybe three times before I ran off to HMV and bought "In Reverie". But then I fell in lust with Story Of The Year and forgot about this other kick-ass, 23$ CD. Fuck again.
So I've almost got "nudity is not a crime" perfected. I'll just add the personal details, the MSN profile pic [I think it's Will, right now...], the Imood, and my blog-ring links, and I'll be set.
Am I missing anybody on the blog list?
Please let me know.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: trevor's blog
Inside Out
Here, a little sympathy for you to waste on me
I know you're faking it but that's okay
And I don't want to drag it out
Don't want to bring you down
I never wanted it to end this way
Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again
Here, a little jealousy
I hope you think of me
Hope you wonder where I sleep at night
Cause I feel like I'm inside out
You got me upside down
Maybe I was holding on too tight
Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again
So don't just say goodbye to me
Just turn your back away and leave
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend
The two of us we dream like one
The two of us, the two of us
The two of us take breath like one
The two of us, the two of us
I guess that this is over now
I guess it's called the falling out
But every day I'm learning how to make it through this life I'm in
Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again
So don't just say goodbye to me
Just turn your back away and leave
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend
-Yellowcard
Here, a little sympathy for you to waste on me
I know you're faking it but that's okay
And I don't want to drag it out
Don't want to bring you down
I never wanted it to end this way
Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again
Here, a little jealousy
I hope you think of me
Hope you wonder where I sleep at night
Cause I feel like I'm inside out
You got me upside down
Maybe I was holding on too tight
Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again
So don't just say goodbye to me
Just turn your back away and leave
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend
The two of us we dream like one
The two of us, the two of us
The two of us take breath like one
The two of us, the two of us
I guess that this is over now
I guess it's called the falling out
But every day I'm learning how to make it through this life I'm in
Even if I wanted to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive again
So don't just say goodbye to me
Just turn your back away and leave
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend
-Yellowcard
2.03.2004
Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
I found out when Yuk Yuks is. I found stuff to do.
And I got the beginnings of the new layout up.
Pretty, no?
Yeah. I think so.
Comments are based on "Lie Close" by Elliott. I plan to fill out the links/sidebar more sometime on Wednesday, if all goes according to plan.
Sushi was amazing. I love sushi. God bless the Japanese.
entry playlist
1. Jimmy Eat World - Crush
2. Jimmy Eat World - Ten
blog o' the day: blaire's blog
I found out when Yuk Yuks is. I found stuff to do.
And I got the beginnings of the new layout up.
Pretty, no?
Yeah. I think so.
Comments are based on "Lie Close" by Elliott. I plan to fill out the links/sidebar more sometime on Wednesday, if all goes according to plan.
Sushi was amazing. I love sushi. God bless the Japanese.
entry playlist
1. Jimmy Eat World - Crush
2. Jimmy Eat World - Ten
blog o' the day: blaire's blog
Whupah!
I miss my old, non-shitty template.
Although, I'll admit...this simplicity of this one is kind of growing on me...but it's still hideous, so...NO! NO NO NO NO! Must...make...awesome...template. Whoo. Glad we've reaffirmed that.
But maybe the next one will be pretty and simple...
...or not, since we all know what a fancy template whore I am.
Apparently I get sushi today.
Jodi is back. *HAPPY PARTY* This is AWESOME. However, I don't think she's ever going to leave her office. Since, you know, I left a shiteload of crap back there.
I don't even remember what most of it was...
Fuck, I should have blogged everything. Then I'd remember.
I got the best email last night. And yes, the picture made me laugh. What a great thing to get at 10 in the morning. Call my cell phone, not the office, because I think I'll be out for sushi. So...call that instead.
Mmmm, sushi. And Yellowcard. God, I love YC. "Inside Out" is an amazing song. So good. Drool.
Yuk Yuk's tonight, apparently. But I hope tickets arent more than 10$...because I have less than $1.30 in my bank account. What the fuck. I could have sworn there was $7.67 in there on Saturday...and I don't remember buying anything since then! Probably all back service charges. Or something.
I'm also working right now, so I go from fits of blogging to fits of inputting business cards.
Trying to stay perky. Resisting the urge to wallow in self-induced misery until sometime after August.
I'm off. Sushi!
entry playlist
1. Yellowcard - Twentythree
2. Yellowcard - View From Heaven
3. Yellowcard - Inside Out
4. Yellowcard - Believe
5. Yellowcard - One Year, Six Months
blog o' the day: blaire's blog
I miss my old, non-shitty template.
Although, I'll admit...this simplicity of this one is kind of growing on me...but it's still hideous, so...NO! NO NO NO NO! Must...make...awesome...template. Whoo. Glad we've reaffirmed that.
But maybe the next one will be pretty and simple...
...or not, since we all know what a fancy template whore I am.
Apparently I get sushi today.
Jodi is back. *HAPPY PARTY* This is AWESOME. However, I don't think she's ever going to leave her office. Since, you know, I left a shiteload of crap back there.
I don't even remember what most of it was...
Fuck, I should have blogged everything. Then I'd remember.
I got the best email last night. And yes, the picture made me laugh. What a great thing to get at 10 in the morning. Call my cell phone, not the office, because I think I'll be out for sushi. So...call that instead.
Mmmm, sushi. And Yellowcard. God, I love YC. "Inside Out" is an amazing song. So good. Drool.
Yuk Yuk's tonight, apparently. But I hope tickets arent more than 10$...because I have less than $1.30 in my bank account. What the fuck. I could have sworn there was $7.67 in there on Saturday...and I don't remember buying anything since then! Probably all back service charges. Or something.
I'm also working right now, so I go from fits of blogging to fits of inputting business cards.
Trying to stay perky. Resisting the urge to wallow in self-induced misery until sometime after August.
I'm off. Sushi!
entry playlist
1. Yellowcard - Twentythree
2. Yellowcard - View From Heaven
3. Yellowcard - Inside Out
4. Yellowcard - Believe
5. Yellowcard - One Year, Six Months
blog o' the day: blaire's blog
Dive Right In
So here I go
I'll dive right in
Break through the waves
Straight to the ocean floor
And although my hands are shaking
I lie perfectly still
Cause I'm determined to let myself sink down
And I know I'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again
I could wave my arms and swim away
But never reach the shore
But for now I will lay face first in the sand
With the wreckage from ships that lost their way
And I know I'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again
And I know I'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again
And although my hands are shaking
I lie perfectly still
Cause I'm determined to let myself sink down
And I know I'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again
-Story Of The Year
So here I go
I'll dive right in
Break through the waves
Straight to the ocean floor
And although my hands are shaking
I lie perfectly still
Cause I'm determined to let myself sink down
And I know I'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again
I could wave my arms and swim away
But never reach the shore
But for now I will lay face first in the sand
With the wreckage from ships that lost their way
And I know I'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again
And I know I'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again
And although my hands are shaking
I lie perfectly still
Cause I'm determined to let myself sink down
And I know I'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again
-Story Of The Year
2.02.2004
What Makes Me Happy?
This is a good question. One I thoroughly considered at work tonight, in between bouts of gabbing with Mel and doing...well, nothing, as usual. So because I am lacking in any kind of original thought tonight, you're all getting a vapid list of things that give me an endorphin rush, instead of my usual post-Zellers boring and/or depressing banter. That said:
Man. I'm going to bed.
Just thinking about some of those things made me excited because I know I can do some of them soon.
And thinking about others made me feel a bit better, because I remember how good they felt. So now I feel a lot better.
*smiles* I'm an emotional whore. Yes!
entry playlist
1. Jewel - Foolish Games
2. Natalie Imbruglia - Torn
3. Remy Zero - Shattered
4. Avril Lavigne - Anything But Ordinary
5. Vertical Horizon - Angel Without Wings
6. Something Corporate - Globes And Maps
7. Eve 6 - Inside Out
8. Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities
9. Green Day - Time Of Your Life
blog o' the day: pierre's blog
This is a good question. One I thoroughly considered at work tonight, in between bouts of gabbing with Mel and doing...well, nothing, as usual. So because I am lacking in any kind of original thought tonight, you're all getting a vapid list of things that give me an endorphin rush, instead of my usual post-Zellers boring and/or depressing banter. That said:
- daisies
- getting an actual email
- sloppy kisses from a fat,cuddly puppy
- getting a warm spot on the train
- chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven
- the smell of Eggs Benedict cooking in the kitchen on Christmas morning
- tickle fights with my siblings
- Maddie stretching up for a pickup
- huge stuffed animals
- having voicemail
- whipped cream
- the feeling of warm sunshine
- running into friends I haven't seen in months
- hot chocolate when there's a blizzard outside and I know I don't have to leave the house
- buying a new CD and finding awesome bonus tracks on it
- finding out that Alkaline Trio is playing at Warped Tour this year [!!!!!]
- taking a really, really good picture
- driving around in Jason's car listening to his shitty music and having my feet on the dashboard/out the window
- writing an awesome entry
- getting compliments for no reason [...even if I pretend I don't want them.]
- new layouts
- rainbows after a thunderstorm
- being in a car during a thunderstorm and listening to the hail
- camping and waking up to the smell of rain
- campfires
- getting free beer at the bar
- dancing
- making people like new music
- coaxing a smile out of someone who had a bad day
- reading the comics
- hot showers
- bubble baths and candles
- kissing
- 17th Ave
- sushi
- having comments in the comment section
- getting phone calls
- hearing a favourite song
- having a good hair day
- getting all ready to go out, and then actually getting noticed for it
- making it home in time to watch CSI
- when Much has a good run of videos
- putting up new posters
- seeing the first flowers of spring
- lying in the shade on a hot summer's day
- iced tea
- cold pizza
- being barefoot
- cuddling
- the way kittens look--all wide-eyed and stunned
- sharing a smile that nobody else understands
- inside jokes
- playing pool and sucking hardcore...both of you
- giving my sister advice
- sing-alongs in the car in summer
- the way new hoodies feel on the inside
- concerts where you can actually get within spitting distance
- finding money
- finding jewellry that I thought I'd lost
- taking a longer break at work than I'm supposed to
- spending time with him
- singing
- spoiling myself with a shopping spree
- buying new clothes
- Christmas shopping
- buying someone something unexpectedly
- the last day of my period
- sleeping in
- falling asleep to the TV
- watching movies
- video games
- cotton candy
- roller coasters
- watching the fireworks at the Stampede at the end of a long day
- taking the train after the Stampede, being so tired you can barely function
- the feeling of cold water on hot lips
- how cold my leather couch is
- warm beds on cold nights
- finding out that I made a difference in someone's life
- laughing with my friends
- late nights without a plan
- partying just because
- late-night phone conversations [I want you to call me tonight, by the way...]
- being the HTML goddess
- and much more . . . .
Man. I'm going to bed.
Just thinking about some of those things made me excited because I know I can do some of them soon.
And thinking about others made me feel a bit better, because I remember how good they felt. So now I feel a lot better.
*smiles* I'm an emotional whore. Yes!
entry playlist
1. Jewel - Foolish Games
2. Natalie Imbruglia - Torn
3. Remy Zero - Shattered
4. Avril Lavigne - Anything But Ordinary
5. Vertical Horizon - Angel Without Wings
6. Something Corporate - Globes And Maps
7. Eve 6 - Inside Out
8. Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities
9. Green Day - Time Of Your Life
blog o' the day: pierre's blog
Demons
Two months. Start to finish.
I know what I have to do about this, now. That's the good thing. It's probably a decision which will get me nowhere except right back where I was in December, which is the bad thing. I know it's a useless gesture/act/event, but I don't care...which is the sad thing.
Even if I actually go through with it, it'll do nothing but destroy. This is the lonely thing. And the fact that I'm willing to hurt everybody just to satisfy this one thing on my mind...is the selfish thing.
I'm a selfish person. I want things to work out for me. I want to be happy. I want comfort and faith and a warm bed and all those things that require sacrifices that I don't think I can make, but expect other people to make nonetheless. I want I want I want but I won't get until I understand the price of a phrase.
So. Getting back to the point I don't think I'm making.
Two months. Now what? I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time, I want to feel like I'm actually doing something worthwhile. I'm a casualty of futility...I hate doing things without a point to them.
-What's the point?
-The point is to have fun and enjoy yourself.
-But isn't it all just going to end anyways?
-Yeah, but...cmon, you're having a good time now...
-I don't see the point.
-Maybe, Renegade, for once this isn't all about you. Maybe, for once, you have to do something for someone else.
-I hate feeling like a doormat.
-Just fucking trust someone for once. Maybe you'll get lucky.
-And maybe I won't. Maybe I'm wasting your time.
-Maybe. But if you are, you're wasting it the best way you know how. I just wish you'd find a way to let this go and figure it out.
-But you know what I want to do now...
-Then do it. If that's the best way, then figure out a way to make it happen. You're smart. You have a knack for this. Scheme some way to get what you want.
-But what if I regret it?
-You haven't regretted it so far. And if it backfires, at least you'll have the comfort of knowing how quickly you forgot the first time.
-That's true. I have a bad memory. But I remember most things. I'll always remember this.
-You're a sucker, aren't you?
-Yes, I am.
I hate my multiple personalities.
entry playlist
1. Jimmy Eat World - Table for Glasses
2. Jimmy Eat World - 12.23.95
3. Jimmy Eat World - A Sunday
4. Jimmy Eat World - Lucky Denver Mint
5. Jimmy Eat World - Clarity
6. Jimmy Eat World - Your New Aesthetic
blog o' the day: pierre's blog
Two months. Start to finish.
I know what I have to do about this, now. That's the good thing. It's probably a decision which will get me nowhere except right back where I was in December, which is the bad thing. I know it's a useless gesture/act/event, but I don't care...which is the sad thing.
Even if I actually go through with it, it'll do nothing but destroy. This is the lonely thing. And the fact that I'm willing to hurt everybody just to satisfy this one thing on my mind...is the selfish thing.
I'm a selfish person. I want things to work out for me. I want to be happy. I want comfort and faith and a warm bed and all those things that require sacrifices that I don't think I can make, but expect other people to make nonetheless. I want I want I want but I won't get until I understand the price of a phrase.
So. Getting back to the point I don't think I'm making.
Two months. Now what? I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time, I want to feel like I'm actually doing something worthwhile. I'm a casualty of futility...I hate doing things without a point to them.
-What's the point?
-The point is to have fun and enjoy yourself.
-But isn't it all just going to end anyways?
-Yeah, but...cmon, you're having a good time now...
-I don't see the point.
-Maybe, Renegade, for once this isn't all about you. Maybe, for once, you have to do something for someone else.
-I hate feeling like a doormat.
-Just fucking trust someone for once. Maybe you'll get lucky.
-And maybe I won't. Maybe I'm wasting your time.
-Maybe. But if you are, you're wasting it the best way you know how. I just wish you'd find a way to let this go and figure it out.
-But you know what I want to do now...
-Then do it. If that's the best way, then figure out a way to make it happen. You're smart. You have a knack for this. Scheme some way to get what you want.
-But what if I regret it?
-You haven't regretted it so far. And if it backfires, at least you'll have the comfort of knowing how quickly you forgot the first time.
-That's true. I have a bad memory. But I remember most things. I'll always remember this.
-You're a sucker, aren't you?
-Yes, I am.
I hate my multiple personalities.
entry playlist
1. Jimmy Eat World - Table for Glasses
2. Jimmy Eat World - 12.23.95
3. Jimmy Eat World - A Sunday
4. Jimmy Eat World - Lucky Denver Mint
5. Jimmy Eat World - Clarity
6. Jimmy Eat World - Your New Aesthetic
blog o' the day: pierre's blog
*arrrrrrrrrrrrrg*
Hmmm...something's different...
I promise I'll fix this sometime on....Wednesday, it looks like. Besides, I'm sure you can all suffer some ugly blog templates for a few days. And I don't feel like spending a lot of time prettifying my blog.
Well...I do...but not here while I'm at work.
I talked to him for almost an hour last night, which was cool. And I found 10$ on my floor before I fell off the bed. Awesomeness.
According to Sitemeter, I should reach 24,000 hits by the end of February. That's a little scary.
God, my blog looks like ass.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: pierre's blog
Hmmm...something's different...
I promise I'll fix this sometime on....Wednesday, it looks like. Besides, I'm sure you can all suffer some ugly blog templates for a few days. And I don't feel like spending a lot of time prettifying my blog.
Well...I do...but not here while I'm at work.
I talked to him for almost an hour last night, which was cool. And I found 10$ on my floor before I fell off the bed. Awesomeness.
According to Sitemeter, I should reach 24,000 hits by the end of February. That's a little scary.
God, my blog looks like ass.
entry playlist
1. -none-
blog o' the day: pierre's blog
2.01.2004
Fearless
Is there anything that I need to say
That hasn't been said before
I have been polite for too long
Why should I be anymore
Better now than never, better loud than clever
Better just to play the fool
It's times like this
When you just close your eyes and kiss
Cause everything after this
Is just bullshit and being cruel
So hold me up, I'm going out
And don't wait up, I won't be coming home
If you lay me down in concrete fields
Will I dream of grass and opera
This is the sound and how it feels
To be dead
In the end there will be fire and brimstone
And no one will be there to answer the telephone
You are the only one I'll miss
You are the only answer at a time like this
She is the trick of my trade
She is the thing that can't be made
She is gold and nothing less
And she is fearless
So hold me up, we're going out
And don't wait up, we won't be coming home
You hold it in your hand
You keep it in your heart
You hide it in your head
And you use it when you have to
She is the trick of my trade
These are the things that can't be made
Stay yourself and nothing less
Stay fearless
-Matthew Good Band
Is there anything that I need to say
That hasn't been said before
I have been polite for too long
Why should I be anymore
Better now than never, better loud than clever
Better just to play the fool
It's times like this
When you just close your eyes and kiss
Cause everything after this
Is just bullshit and being cruel
So hold me up, I'm going out
And don't wait up, I won't be coming home
If you lay me down in concrete fields
Will I dream of grass and opera
This is the sound and how it feels
To be dead
In the end there will be fire and brimstone
And no one will be there to answer the telephone
You are the only one I'll miss
You are the only answer at a time like this
She is the trick of my trade
She is the thing that can't be made
She is gold and nothing less
And she is fearless
So hold me up, we're going out
And don't wait up, we won't be coming home
You hold it in your hand
You keep it in your heart
You hide it in your head
And you use it when you have to
She is the trick of my trade
These are the things that can't be made
Stay yourself and nothing less
Stay fearless
-Matthew Good Band
For Some Strange Reason...
I'm still upset.
Which doesn't make sense.
I don't think I should be, because last night was awesome and loud.
As Back Alley usually is.
But the more time I spent in silence these past 24 hours, the louder the voices in my head have become.
The longer I let this burrow under my skin, the unhappier I'm getting. Fuck. I thought I had come up with a sure-fire solution, involving $2000, a Greyhound bus, and making the most of May/June.
But the more I turn the plan over in my head, the more holes I see. Firstly: my mom will never give me the money meant for school. Secondly: I have no real indication that I could even make it on my [proverbial] own. Thirdly: I am a chicken. The idea of actually carrying out the plan is enough to make me crawl into bed and cry for a few hours, simply because I know I won't be able to do it.
And I hate that I'm so weak. I wouldn't be able to handle the shock of a totally new environment--or would I? I don't know, and I won't find out unless I actually do it. But I won't do it, because I am a chickenshit. It's a vicious cycle--I want to leave, but I'm too scared to. And the only way to fix the fear is to actually leave, but since I'm not doing it...*sigh*
Fuck.
I need screamo.
But instead I listened to Something Corporate last night, since it popped into my head while we were saying goodbye in the car.
"Another lonely night in Amsterdam
Stars were coming out in waves
I miss my Miss America from Park Hotel,
But I'm too stoned to call it a day.
And when everything you wanted
Is hard to hide behind your eyes,
Am I locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbyes..."
I worked today, too. That's about all I have to say on that, since I don't really have much to say about work anymore.
Fuck. I want to quit. But it's my only source of spendable income. And if I want to make this plan work without my mom...I'll just have to start saving my paltry paychecks in a secret bank account. Which isn't really an option, because I owe money to Mel and Microcell and probably the Mafia, not to mention my parents.
And I just remembered, I still owe Pierre like $40 from Laser Quest last year.
Fuck.
But I got my huge-ass Romeo & Juliet movie poster this weekend. Claudio picked it up for me at the Unversity on Friday. Swear to god, guys, this thing practically takes up a wall.
And I'm officially out of room on the walls, too. The ceiling is off-limits. Which sucks. Because how am I going to steal more signs if I have nowhere to put them?
I know, I know, I'm puzzled too.
I feel sick to my stomach and there's a perpetual buzzing in my ears.
And I'm still sad.
entry playlist
1. The Used - Poetic Tragedy
2. Goldfinger - January
3. Jimmy Eat World - Believe In What You Want
4. Sugarcult - Pretty Girl (The Way)
5. The Used - Noise And Kisses
6. Alkaline Trio - Jaked On Green Beers
7. Matthew Good Band - Running For Home
8. Jewel - You Were Meant For Me
9. Romeo And Juliet - Escape From Mantua
10. Jimmy Eat World - For Me This Is Heaven
11. Amanda Marshall - Beautiful Goodbye
blog o' the day: mel's blog
I'm still upset.
Which doesn't make sense.
I don't think I should be, because last night was awesome and loud.
As Back Alley usually is.
But the more time I spent in silence these past 24 hours, the louder the voices in my head have become.
The longer I let this burrow under my skin, the unhappier I'm getting. Fuck. I thought I had come up with a sure-fire solution, involving $2000, a Greyhound bus, and making the most of May/June.
But the more I turn the plan over in my head, the more holes I see. Firstly: my mom will never give me the money meant for school. Secondly: I have no real indication that I could even make it on my [proverbial] own. Thirdly: I am a chicken. The idea of actually carrying out the plan is enough to make me crawl into bed and cry for a few hours, simply because I know I won't be able to do it.
And I hate that I'm so weak. I wouldn't be able to handle the shock of a totally new environment--or would I? I don't know, and I won't find out unless I actually do it. But I won't do it, because I am a chickenshit. It's a vicious cycle--I want to leave, but I'm too scared to. And the only way to fix the fear is to actually leave, but since I'm not doing it...*sigh*
Fuck.
I need screamo.
But instead I listened to Something Corporate last night, since it popped into my head while we were saying goodbye in the car.
"Another lonely night in Amsterdam
Stars were coming out in waves
I miss my Miss America from Park Hotel,
But I'm too stoned to call it a day.
And when everything you wanted
Is hard to hide behind your eyes,
Am I locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbyes..."
I worked today, too. That's about all I have to say on that, since I don't really have much to say about work anymore.
Fuck. I want to quit. But it's my only source of spendable income. And if I want to make this plan work without my mom...I'll just have to start saving my paltry paychecks in a secret bank account. Which isn't really an option, because I owe money to Mel and Microcell and probably the Mafia, not to mention my parents.
And I just remembered, I still owe Pierre like $40 from Laser Quest last year.
Fuck.
But I got my huge-ass Romeo & Juliet movie poster this weekend. Claudio picked it up for me at the Unversity on Friday. Swear to god, guys, this thing practically takes up a wall.
And I'm officially out of room on the walls, too. The ceiling is off-limits. Which sucks. Because how am I going to steal more signs if I have nowhere to put them?
I know, I know, I'm puzzled too.
I feel sick to my stomach and there's a perpetual buzzing in my ears.
And I'm still sad.
entry playlist
1. The Used - Poetic Tragedy
2. Goldfinger - January
3. Jimmy Eat World - Believe In What You Want
4. Sugarcult - Pretty Girl (The Way)
5. The Used - Noise And Kisses
6. Alkaline Trio - Jaked On Green Beers
7. Matthew Good Band - Running For Home
8. Jewel - You Were Meant For Me
9. Romeo And Juliet - Escape From Mantua
10. Jimmy Eat World - For Me This Is Heaven
11. Amanda Marshall - Beautiful Goodbye
blog o' the day: mel's blog
